A/N: Thank you for every kudos, review or any sort of acknowledgement

RAFAEL

Rollins is pretty much the last person I want to see when I walk into the squad-room but there she is, eyeing me suspiciously, before I can even say a word.

I give her a soft "hi" as Liv walks out of her office.

As I had decided last night, I haven't told Liv about our witness, she knew we were gone searching for more evidence, but as has been the truth of most of our individual interactions with Cassidy since his disclosure, we carefully guard his privacy, even from each other and she asked no more questions. Not for the first time I am incredibly grateful for the trust and privacy woven into our relationship. I know she is always there to listen, to bounce ideas off or to vent to, but she never pushes for information, content that I will tell her when I can, or when I am ready.

"Rafael, what's going on?"

"Leo Berry this is Lieutenant Benson."

Rollins is watching carefully and Liv's confusion is unmistakable, as she looks to me, then politely to the man I've just introduced.

"Hi Mr. Berry, nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you"

"Gary Dolan coached Leo in 1985."

Now that the words are out, I worry about how harsh they sound. Too direct. Too blunt. Everything unsaid, but still all too clear in the short announcement.

Liv's eyes widen and her mouth drops open, it's barely noticeable, but to someone who knows her well it's very clear she has just been completely blindsided and is struggling. Her eyes swipe from me, to the man I've just brought in, and it's Amanda who steps in, smoothly taking over, with a gentle but supportive hand on Liv's back.

"Okay….uhmm, I'm Detective Rollins why don't you come have a seat?"

She leads Leo away, entrusting a uniformed officer to settle him somewhere they can talk before she turns back to us.

"Eh how?" Liv is just barely finding words, still almost speechless as she questions me.

"I made a lot of phonecalls. And with Leo's testimony about Dolan's prior bad acts….at least we'll have a shot now."

I walk away quickly not wanting to give her, or the relentless detective beside her, a chance to question the witness' very convenient arrival.

I know that they need to question him and get his statement as quickly as possible.

I want to say that my quick exit is to ensure that if Cassidy and I were to suffer any repercussions for our unauthorised, and procedurally questionable actions, that the witness and his statement would be protected by the blameless ignorance of the officers interviewing him. There is undoubtedly some truth in it, but honestly, other than wandering out of our jurisdiction to speak to a witness, we have done nothing wrong.

Had we pursued a perpetrator beyond our jurisdiction, had we made an unauthorised arrest, things may be different …..

Truly, I just can't stand here and explain. I don't want to reveal Cassidy's secret to Rollins. And I can't stand before Liv and explain how a man so devastated himself, showed such incredible insight, self control and still managed such excellent police work in identifying and interviewing other men, other victims, who were once friends. He confronted them with a horrible truth as gently and carefully as possible.

It is not an exaggeration, to say I could not attempt to explain the circumstances of last night and this morning to the woman I love, whilst also maintaining the professional decorum my role requires. When I speak to Liv about the past hours I need to be Rafael, not ADA Barba. My emotions are too raw, my control too weak….

"He made a lot of phone calls?"

"That's what he said…"

"I called the regional youth league office myself and they told that the team rosters weren't computerised back then and that the paper files were long gone"

I can hear the conversation between Liv and Amanda as I leave and am unsurprised when Liv chooses to go and bring in Dolan herself. A fact I am only aware of because I sit in my car, struggling to pull myself together, for long enough to witness her leaving the precinct on what can only be their next step. I know she is most likely battling her own heightened emotions, and she surely recognises my speedy exit as my attempt at hiding something. Rollins is best placed to take Leo's statements as she is the least involved. I can't pretend, even to myself, that she doesn't know….she clearly does, but I cannot be the one to confirm any of her suppositions. I can only hope that she uses some of her professionalism, and compassion when she finally choses to confront one of us, and I silently pray that it is not the man in question.

On the drive back this morning he was a shell of his usual self. I found myself even setting up opportunities for him to needle and irritate me, complaining loudly about the bad convenience store coffee, the limited, dreary breakfast, the grammatical, and spelling errors in national newspapers... anything to pull him out of the uncharacteristic slump that left him far too amenable.

His pale face, red rimmed eyes, and the deepening black smudges signalling yet another bad night's sleep, are all testament to the incredibly high cost of our victory.

The previous night, our private conversation had immediately been dropped, regrettably probably never to be concluded, the second Brian saw the other man enter the bar. Once more I find myself bemoaning my lack of eloquence and wishing that we had a much longer uninterrupted period when we seemed to finally be open to voicing some of our hidden truths.

We led the calm, surprisingly candid man, to a more private booth and I couldn't help internally questioning this decision. Why were we skulking off to the shadows, choosing the most secluded table to have a conversation that had been started standing, unselfconsciously, and unashamedly, by both men in the middle of the bar? For whose benefit were we hiding away, checking we were not overheard?

We laid out the basics of the case to Leo. I reluctantly attempted to explain that as the statute of limitations on Dolan's assaults on him had long since passed, he would merely be a prior bad acts witness and that his testimony would help bolster our otherwise circumstantial case. The man seemed undeterred, telling us he was grateful for the opportunity to right a very old wrong.

The air fizzled with tension, as the business of our conversation petered away. Cassidy got increasingly quiet as the two men began to carefully dance around each other, neither one willing to go further than the mutual, slightly unspecific apologies, and the startlingly open acknowledgment that Dolan had in fact 'molested' Leo that signalled his arrival.

I'm sure the lack of any real intimacy in our relationship, was all too obvious to the third man as his eyes intently swung between me and Cassidy. He was patently unwilling to broach the obvious subject in my presence, despite my evident awareness of both men's 'experience'.

After Brian's admission in the office, his subtle but unequivocal acknowledgment of his own experience wasn't mentioned again. They touched on sports headlines, idly speculating about players and score-lines, sipping at beers while purposefully glancing at nearby tv screens, and cursorily picking at polite chit-chat, but both men seemed to need something more than the passing, reciprocated declarations.

As soon as it felt reasonable, I excused myself to the restroom, hoping that my calculated move to the bar, my absence, may be enough to reintroduce the necessary conversation between the two men. I put my credit card down on the tab, happy to foot the bill for some liquid courage but also cautious of the powder-keg whose fuse had already been lit.

I debated leaving them completely, but figured Cassidy's hot-headed history of rash behaviour combined with Leo's rap sheet, meant giving them a discrete space was much wiser than leaving two very hurt men, with alcohol, alone in a bar.

As a lawyer, I couldn't help wondering how accurate was Leo's word choice, while I sipped my scotch and hoped my choice of seat allowed me to make it over to the table quick enough should trouble start. The image in the slightly curved mirror was clear but I worried about someone blocking my line of sight, or a small early sign of trouble being missed in its incomplete framing of the table I had left. It seemed like a reasonable concession to the men's privacy, though, they didn't need me sitting watching over them like errant children.

I watched Cassidy cover his mouth, seeming to stop mid sentence, and pondered what word he would choose to encapsulate his experiences were he to try and admit it as simply as Leo had done. Between his SVU experience, and his work in the DA's office I'm sure the man is more than aware of the legal definitions that may describe his ordeal, but could he choose a word, or even words, that he felt encapsulated everything? Even if he could find an appropriate choice, could he bring himself to use it? I'm aware my knowledge of his trauma is deliberately vague, would I be surprised at the name he would put on Dolan's actions?

I didn't feel any satisfaction in the acknowledgment that I don't believe the man could find a term that would surprise me.

I'm not sure how much 'real talking' they did…. I think that maybe Cassidy spoke a little about his own abuse. There was one point where he seemed to curl in on himself, and struggle to make eye contact, which I have noticed tends to accompany his efforts to tackle that particular subject. The other man seemed to say something that had Brian shaking his head softly but emphatically. It looked to me, as a careful observer, that perhaps Leo had indeed 'done more work' as the cop had suggested on our drive. Whilst his distress was clear and unmistakable, the wretched panic and anguished internal battle that were telegraphed in Brian's body language, were hugely lacking in Leo's. Almost as if he had found some sort of acceptance of his pain, while Brian was still too wrapped up in denial.

All too soon, they seemed to have reached some agreement, and they were ready to call it a night. Both men studiously avoiding eye contact as they emptied glasses and pulled on coats. Leo met my eye, and gave me a tight nod, leaving as unapologetically as he had arrived. I wasn't sure if the other man perhaps needed a moment to collect himself, so I closed off my tab and fiddled with my phone until he shuffled silently over. His hands shoved deep into his pockets, his head down, he deliberately trailed a step behind me all the way back to the hotel and slipped quietly into the elevator.

My relationship with Cassidy has always involved a lot of silence. Especially this last year. But the almost soundless drive from Providence felt very different. It wasn't uncomfortable, that regular baseline irritation was entirely absent, but there was none of the ease we had found on the drive up either. It felt like the man beside me just wasn't there…like I was riding alone, except for that soul sucking misery and pain that filled every inch of the car.

He took none of the opportunities offered, to speak about Leo, or Rob, or himself. He wasn't obnoxious, or rude, he just shrugged or shook his head.

He looked every inch a beaten man, and that terrified me more than any temper tantrum or smart ass comment ever could.

As we finally pulled into the parking garage I refused to let him out of the car without extracting a promise he wouldn't go after Dolan or do anything else stupid. He agreed, easily and wordlessly, with a tight nod of the head as if it hadn't even occurred to him, and just smiled tightly when I reminded him that both Liv and I wanted to help and would be very glad to talk at any time.

Before he closed the door I took a desperate risk, "Brian, it hasn't been fun….fuck, it was more than rough….a lot more! But it has been an honour. Thank you."

He said nothing but I swear there were tears shimmering in his eyes as he just tipped his head at me and he was gone.

I'm exhausted, emotionally drained in a way that physically impacts my body. I feel guilty for the mess I've brought to Rob and Ted's door, and then just walked away when they couldn't help my case. I know there is more to it than that….but I cannot shake my memory of the devastation that filled that house after our visit. I allow myself to consider the 'problems' that Ted gently alluded to. I wonder what kind of problems he meant? Was it a physical problem….a sexual one?

There was a time, not so long ago, before Liv, that I would have been quite squeamish about sex. This feels strange to admit…I mean I was no prude. I had been happily sexually active for my entire adult life. I had plenty of fun in the bedroom, and plenty of other rooms and places, with numerous partners over the years. I wasn't a particularly vanilla lover or a particularly kinky one… but sex was always something private. Something not to really be spoken of, outside the couple or even much outside the bedroom. Sex was sex, and pretty separate to everything else.

Maybe because of Liv's experiences at the hands of Lewis and as I later found out, Harris, or because of our work in SVU, I became much more open. Sex is still private of course, but we speak about sexual things easily, we have almost had to speak to other people as we have worked through our sexual relationship. I don't mean I'm sitting down discussing our favourite positions with Fin or Rollins, but I know I can speak to them about problems, even when they are sexual in nature. I have spoken to Fin about the effects of working in SVU on a sexual relationship. We have discussed inopportune erections, and my deeply held worry that my body's natural behaviour would be triggering or pressuring for the woman I love.

I have also spoken to the men in the support group I still attend, as does Fin. Despite it predominantly being aimed at the husbands, boyfriends and partners of sexual assault victims, I was initially surprised at how many of our discussions involve sex.

Where once, I was quiet and uncomfortable, now I am open and at ease. I love to be able to share little snippets of advice that once helped me, or to just support another man by confirming it is frustrating to have an erection, to be aroused and have to stop for what feels like the millionth time. That it's not wrong to need to relieve sexual tension with masturbation. It isn't wrong to see our partners as sexual beings, even when they can't see themselves as such.

We openly discuss ways to start to integrate sex and intimacy into a relationship after assault. Once I would have been squirming silently in the corner, perhaps even tip-toeing out the door…but if I was still like that I wouldn't have the wonderful partner, family and sex life I have now.

Sex is no longer just sex, I see it as much more a part of the person, the relationship and life. Sex doesn't need to be kept so carefully separate. So I don't find it uncomfortable to consider some of the variety of sexual difficulties that Ted could have alluded to; perhaps difficulty in achieving or maintaining erection; difficulty with penetration from either position, I can imagine that penetrating a partner could be as fraught with difficulties as being the partner being penetrated. Any sexual practice reminiscent of his abuse could be triggering for Rob, and Ted would not have understood….

I know that it was very important for me post-Lewis, to understand where Liv's likely triggers lay…I was lucky that she understood this was as much for me as for her benefit. I couldn't stomach reminding her….especially inadvertently…and I needed to immediately understand her flinching or freezing or pulling away. I knew she would probably be unable to explain in the moment, and it was incredibly helpful to have clear, thought out instructions from her, of how to deal with these inevitable moments. These instances have become increasingly unusual, as time has passed, but on the rare occasion that we find our intimacy disturbed by bad memories, I don't feel the same panic, and uselessness I once felt. This allows me to be calm and support her, and even myself, in a much better way. I don't beat myself up, or hate the part of my body which inextricably likens me to her attackers…I can be sad for her, and for us, but I know that soon she will be wrapped in my arms, and that she is safe.

I cannot imagine wandering into these types of situations completely unaware, and my heart goes out to Ted. Despite his ignorance he clearly did a lot right, judging from the strength of the relationship we witnessed under the most challenging situation.

Once again I find myself marvelling at how hard it must have been for Cassidy, when he was no doubt fighting his own demons, and trying to take care of a very combative Liv. How could he not have been triggered by the horrific images Lewis' rap sheet put in his head? When all we were praying for was that Liv would be returned to us alive, none of us were blind to the destructiveness of the likely cost of her life, after so much time with a man such as that…but it was infinitely preferable to the alternative. He had to have been struggling with his own ghosts as Liv tried to insist she was fine, even as a fork dropping in a restaurant sent her into spirals of panic she tried to hide in anger. Oh how he must have felt to wake to Liv in full blown panic, in his own bed…and yet from what Liv has said, he was unfailingly kind and understanding, no signs of the impatient hot head in his gentle care for her.

I find myself dreading work…

This is not something I usually feel, but between the emotional cost of the road trip with Cassidy, my worry for the man, the experiences and memories this disclosure and subsequent events have brought to light for me personally, and the usual high cost of the cases I take to court daily, I find I just can't do it.

I quickly check my calendar…there is only one thing I can't really postpone. I try to psych myself up for that one task, a simple evidentiary hearing a first year law student could handle on a 10 minute briefing….but I just cannot.

"District Attorney McCoy's Office?"

Fuck I cannot remember his assistant's name…I really need to get better with the small personal touches.

"Hi, it's Rafael Barba, is he available?"

As I'm put on hold, I hope this is the right thing to do…

"Barba? What can I do for you?"

"Jack, I'm sorry to just ring like this but I need a few days, immediately if at all possible?"

When he answers it's a lot softer than his usual business gruff..

"Family ok?"

"Oh sorry yes. Everyone is fine…" I debate saying no more, making him ask or just telling him it's personal but find I need to tell him. "I have a case, a guy who used to be a coach, worked in a magic shop, his victim Micah committed suicide…"

"I'm aware of the case…not much evidence…."

"We may have just found a prior bad acts witness from the 80's, a kid he coached…" I want to be upfront, not make the man drag it out of me, but I can't find the words.

"How did we find a witness from the 80s so quickly?"

Jack can always be relied upon to get to the crux of an issue quickly, and his emphasis on 'we' only proves further, that nothing gets passed him….

"One of our investigators…was uniquely placed…to track down a couple of potential victims. One of whom is just giving a statement to SVU right now. I find myself unable….
Jack, I just can't do it now, I need a few days."

"Rafael, take all the time you need.
I'm very glad you reached out. The cost of our job to us is not to be underestimated, especially the cases you deal with. I want you to go home, relax and see how you feel in a day or two, if you need any help reach out, and I'm going to send you all the details for our shrink, he's good, and that's from personal experience.
I'm assuming that I should also be putting one of our investigators on leave for a slight workplace injury?"

I had no idea how to even frame the request for time off for Cassidy, but of course the man is there before me, I'm not surprised he hasn't forgotten…

"That would be a good idea, he seemed to be in a pretty bad way last I saw of him, but he did a great job."

"Pity he hurt himself…I'll make contact and tell him, he did a great job and I don't expect to see him until he's not in so much pain."

There's a moment of silence before the man sighs and almost whispers…

"This is his guy?"

"Yeah Jack, this is….yeah."

"Well we need to try and get him. Let me know what you need when you are back, but for now just go home, you are no good to me like this, so take the time you need, and the help….."

"I will, it's just…I guess it's bringing up morefor me…"

"Rafael, there is no need to explain."

He sighs deeply,

"I cannot imagine how you and Liv function at the very best of times…
You know Rafael, I fully expected to lose you after her case. I didn't see how you could keep going after that… but you got better, you were a better lawyer and you seemed to grow and thrive when you two got together. How is she?"

"I don't know Jack…it's been hard, and you know she used to be with Cassidy. She's taking it hard."

"Go home Raf, do what you need to, speak to the doc, and take the time. You're doing the right thing.
I'll get onto Cassidy now…remind him that doc is there too."

"Thanks Jack. I think I'm gonna go pick Noah up…he'll be delighted to have some playtime."