Hammers And Dragons: Intermission Chapter

Adventurer's Guild Advertising: Featuring Anansi The Spider God, The Multiverse's Greatest Trickster

Happy 50th Anniversary, DND! Long live tabletop roleplaying!

There are many, many gods in the multiverse of Dungeons and Dragons, with an obscenely large variety of personalities, divine titles, supernatural abilities and positions of power. One thing remains consistent, however- the deities are always competing for influence, no matter if they stand for good or evil.

One of the most unhinged and chaotic divine beings that assumed a major role in the war between the Imperium of Man and the united realms of Planescape was none other than the spider trickster, Anansi, from West African folklore.

As opposed to other gods, who either stood with the multiverse resistance, or sided with the invaders from Warhammer 40k in hopes of being rewarded, Anansi just wanted to munch on insect popcorn while watching the galaxy burn (like Horus Lupercal,) and influencing events to cause even more chaos and degeneracy.

To do this, the big fucking spider tasked his alien arachnid emissaries, the Neogi, with spreading propaganda across the multiverse, advertisements for recruitment in the Adventurer's Guild, which claimed that people who joined the fight against the Imperium would receive prizes beyond their wildest dreams- anything from fame, glory and wealth, to things like wishes coming true or even ascension to godhood.

Anansi's propaganda campaign worked wonders for the Adventurer's Guild- the amount of people enlisting skyrocketed with the help of the spider god. But it had a sinister side effect, too... people were becoming soldiers, adventurers and law enforcement agents for the sake of obtaining glory and fame, not for the cause of defending their loved ones and neighbors from an imperialist invasion.

Many recruits even believed that immortality was the reward for being the combatant who took the most life from others, and so they became bloodthirsty, massacring countless unarmed and defenseless victims in between campaigns. These rampaging pillagers even slaughtered each other, to make sure that their kill count remained unsurpassed.

All this random carnage and bloodshed greatly pleased the diabolical arachnid deity, who immediately got to work making other forms of propaganda.

With that all said, here's Anansi's own words, which were broadcasted on communication platforms across Sigil, the City of Doors:

Think of this as the DND-themed version of the Mobile Infantry advertisement from Starship Troopers.

WARNING: Contains extremely vulgar language. Reader discretion is advised.

Also, I have no idea how to write a fictional propaganda piece, this is just my very first attempt. I apologize if this doesn't sound authentic. Above all else, I wanted it to be over-the-top.

Program Start!

HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED HOW TO MAKE THE MOST OF YOUR LIMITED LIFETIME???

Wonder no longer, because the Adventurer's Guild is recruiting, now!

Sign up and volunteer, for a chance to go out into the stars, and see the multiverse! Plus, you'll get a guaranteed chance to fight for what you believe in, and be awarded with all kinds of amazing prizes! Wealth, fame, recognition, respect... even immortality, if you are one of the chosen few! You will earn your place in society, and your life will have value! More value than the weak, retarded inbreds who believe in nonviolent protest, that is!

Who are you, to turn down this outstanding offer? You're a fucking faggot, that's who! The neckbeard who dodged the draft got thrown in a reeducation camp, and I fucked his mother like a porno star!

Sign up now, and do your part! Be the better person! After all, apathy is worse than death, because even a rotting corpse feeds worms and insects! It's not too late to be a BIG SHOT!

-Program End-

So there you have it, an obscenely profane advertisement for a military organization that recruits fighters from all across the DND multiverse, made not with the intention of motivating people to protect, serve, and seek justice, but to convince people to fight to the death for glory, wealth and fame.

Hope you liked it. I'm planning to return to the Neckbeard Wars this year, since 2024 is Dungeons and Dragons' 50th anniversary.

Stay tuned for more!