She should've expected it, she really should. But she didn't. Expected somehow Remy's, but no. He sent them to one of the most expensive and best-rated restaurants in the city to celebrate their baby and her birthday, called ahead so they would have everything they could ask for while he was paying. He is inviting her to a romantic dinner while being an ocean away.

It feels so wrong, it weighs on her.

But of course, Lanie swoons over every detail, drooling over the food and going for the whole high society vibe, taking all she can get, ordering a variety of the most pricey dishes, drinking a bottle of the most expensive wine - alone for obvious reasons -, and living her best life in Rick's credit card while Kate only picks at her food.

"Oh, please tell me that he treated you like that when you were in Europe," Lanie moans over another bite of her food. "Oh, I envy you so much, girl."

"No, he didn't." They were too busy to try and move past what happened than to go eat out romantically in a luxurious restaurant, not that in that village would've been one. It doesn't feel right now either, especially since she's here without him.

Her eyes fall on the beautiful bracelet he gifted her, the charms that symbolize them. It must've cost a fortune, custom-made, probably a rushed order, gold, and diamonds. She would've loved a simple Pandora charm bracelet with brass charms and rhinestones just as much. She doesn't want to be pampered, doesn't need this whole luxury stuff.

It feels wrong, but she can't put a finger on why exactly.

There's still this wall between them, not to mention a whole ocean and six hours time difference. They still didn't talk, and that's good because his wounds were still too fresh and deep - it probably would've ended in a disaster. But it still leaves them at odds, so it feels wrong that he's spending so much money on her, sending her ginger teas and food everyday, having private chef dishes delivered to her doorstep, expensive gifts and a Michelin starred restaurant for her birthday, and upgrades on her prenatal care to lessen her worries.

Even though she loves how thoughtful he is, how taken care she feels. It's sweet, but it feels more like a replacement at the same time. Is that what's bugging her? That he's giving her all of this while it was still so strange between them? As if he were sorry that he couldn't give her what she needed the most right now? Or does he think that this is what she wants? What she expects him to? But she told him, that she only wants him … and then they fought again and she said nasty things, so maybe he didn't really get that part or didn't believe her. Would she believe him if things were different?

Meredith expected him to pay for plastic surgery, blaming him for how the pregnancy changed her body, probably taking him for his money and fame the whole time. What he told her about his relationship with Meredith makes her sick and ache for him. And she knows that he's still paying for her, remembers her visit to the precinct and their bags labeled with all the designer brands, and her casually giving him back is Amex, thanking him for paying for it and their lunch at Le Cirque, not missing the downcast twitch of his lips.

"Maybe I should take him if it doesn't work out between you. A girl could get used to this." Lanie slightly slurrs – can she already be tipsy from her Cabernet Sauvignon? – startling her from her thoughts, shocking her with her words.

"Lanie," she hisses, but her friend only shrugs.

"Come on, that's nice. Maybe you could whine about how uptight your back is from the pregnancy, and he'll gift us a luxurious spa weekend," she sighs dreamy, and Kate looks at her like she doesn't know her best friend. She can't be serious, can she? No, she's probably joking, she must be, right?

Rolling her eyes, glaring at her, feigning amusement, she scolds her friend softly. "Lanie, he's more than a credit card."

"Yeah, he's pretty handsome, too. That body, mh. And I heard that he's a good lover as well. Still waiting on these details, by the way." Lanie giggles, definitely tipsy, winking at her, but Kate can merely stare at her friend, shock running cold through her veins. Is she being serious? What is she supposed to answer to something like that? Does Lanie really want to have something with him? No, right? She wouldnt. She's her best friend. But it makes her angry how she talks about him. How she reduces the man she loves to an object. It almost makes her sick.

"He is more than his body and his money, Lanie. What's wrong with you, today?" Kate snaps and crumbles her napkin, tosses it on the table. She can't deal with this right now. Not today. Not when she just saw her baby for the first time and she wished nothing more than for him to really be there, not through a phone, an ocean and several time zones away, not a wall between them. And now Lanie's being so inappropriate, like she sometimes can be.

"I know. Kate, I'm sorry. I was joking." She does look sorry, but Kate can't take it anymore, all of this just too much right now, only adding to the difficult situation between them, to everything that's weighing down on her. She gets up and gathers her things, before looking at her friend again, still bewildered.

"Were you? Because it didn't feel like it." With a heavy sigh she rubs the heel of her hand over her forehead, over her burning eyes. "I'm exhausted, Lanie, it's been a long and strenuous day. I just want to go to bed. Enjoy the rest of your meal, will you?" She hugs her friend hasty, eager to get away before Lanie can coax her into staying, unconsciously lifting her phone on her way out to call him, her thumb hovering over the button. His face looking up at her. Oh, how much she misses him. She never would've thought that her feelings could escalate so quickly. Never felt like this for a man before. Not Royce, not even Will and she thought she loved him before he just went up and away, leaving her for a damn job.

Her gazes flicks up to the clock in the corner on her screen. Damn. It's already nine, that means two, no, three in the morning in Berlin. Sighing, her hand flitters to her forehead, thinking. He looked so tired when they were talking earlier. She should let him sleep.

But she has to get this out, is going to explode otherwise, tossing and turning the whole night and then he'll be angry with her because she didn't take care of herself and their baby. Her throat clocks, unexpected tears burning in her eyes. Their baby. They saw their baby today. Heard her heartbeat. Her hand kisses her stomach, right where the little one is growing, still no sign visible, and it feels even stranger after today. It's suddenly so real.

"Hey, did you have a nice evening?" His voice is in her ear before she registered that she pressed the call button, guilt, and something else, something deeper she refuses to put a name on right now, running hot through her veins at his hoarse voice. It's 3 AM in Berlin, damn it, Kate. What are you thinking?

"Castle, I don't need all of this," the words just bubble out of her, ramble through her body until they fly out of her mouth without thinking, without even answering him, too upset by Lanie's behavior. "I don't need fancy dinners in five-star restaurants, I don't need pricey jewelry, I don't need you to keep my fridge stocked with organic foods and chef's dishes, or deliveries of ginger tea and pastry just to make sure that I eat something. Just for the baby." She adds, without really wanting to, her insecurities getting the better of her.

She's pacing the sidewalk, waiting for him to answer, to say something, but he stays silent, probably shocked by her sudden outburst. Damn. She can't take the silence right now, is too wound up, so she does the dumbest thing and rambles on.

"I never asked for any of it. I don't need any of it. I don't want you doing this. I don't want your money, Castle" she almost growls at the end, almost snaps at him, worked herself up, the anger at Lanie returning with full force, the frustration and helplessness at their situation making her lash out at him.

"I ... Uh. I'm sorry, Kate. I didn't mean to-" He stumbles, hurries through the words, clears his throat several times, making her feel guilty. Damn, she woke him at 3AM to tell him that she only wants him and instead she's saying all the wrong things. She's not good at this, she's not good at relationships, at putting into words what's really on her mind.

"No!" she exclaims, stopping in her tracks, earning shocked and interested gazes from passer-bys. Shit, maybe she should've send a text, she could've thought about the right words instead of exploding on him. She sighs, takes a deep breath and continues softer, "No, Castle. That's not what I'm trying to say. I'm sorry. Lanie said something that set me off. She's relishing this whole luxury treatment, suggested I should whine a bit, and you'll gift us a spa weekend." She's not telling him that she also wanted to sleep with him – for his money and body. He'd probably gloat with it. Lanie is an extremely hot and intelligent woman, they'd probably work amazingly. Argh, now she can't stop seeing him and Lanie in his bed. What's wrong with her?

"I'd be happy to," he says, too eagerly as if this would be the solution to all their problems, but thankfully breaking her out of her too vivid imagination.

"No, Castle. I don't want you to spend money on me. Ah, why I'm so bad at this? Please, don't get me wrong. I love all that you are doing for me, I really do. The ginger teas and your food save my days, settle my stomach, and the upgrade at my OBGYN settle my worries. So, thank you for it. Really. But I don't need them, Castle. I don't want you for your money, or your fame, or your body-"

"You don't?" His voice is teasing, but she can hear the hint of insecurity hidden behind his playfulness and it makes her heart sink.

"I don't. I want you – even if you were a poor nobody with twenty pounds more," she says in a small voice, saddend by the doubts in his voice. She then clears her throat, and finally finds the words to say, what she really wanted to say.

"Castle, I love you for who you are, not what you are. Don't you know that? I love how much you care for the people you love, that you stay with me until the wee hours at the precinct to find justice. I love how you see the story and stick to it even when all the evidence makes sense. You annoy me until the story does as well and saved innocent people from jail. You challenge me, keep me on my toes. I've gotten used, no, fallen in love with you pulling my pigtails. I have a hard job and having you around makes it … a little more fun, Castle." She smiles in the phone, allowing her heart to beat like crazy at the thought and all the memories from their past year flooding her mind.

"I love how big your heart is and how forgiving you are, even if I don't deserve it. And I never thought that this was something I would say, but I love how you take care of me and our baby already even though you're an ocean away and need time to heal. I love how devoted you are to your family, Alexis, of course, but even your mother, no matter how much you're complaining. Seeing you with Alexis, Rick, this is what I want for our daughter as well," her voice breaks, she's crying now, damn hormones. "I don't want your money, I want you. Only you."

"Kate," he whispers softly, making her heart leap at the way, the tendernes with which he says her name. He's silent after it for a long time, so long that she checks her phone to see if the connection still stands, probably coasting another fortune because she didn't call over internet like he suggested to keep the costs low. Cursing herself, she runs her shaking hands through her short locks, ruining Lanie's work but she couldn't care less. Say something, Castle. Please, say something.

"Thank you, Kate," he finally manages to say with a husky voice as if he's been fighting with his emotions or even crying. Or maybe he's only overly tired, she's not sure. But thank you? Gosh, she was hoping for so much more, hoping like a stupid little girl that her little emotional, honest speech will fix his broken heart like it so often happens in these stupid chic-lit books she sometimes reads to come down after a really exhausting day.

But of course, this is real life. She knows that he needs time, that it's been an emotional day, it's good that they don't rush anything. As if magically drawn to it, her hand finds her belly, softly storking over the flat pane. No, they shouldn't rush into anything when she wants to have a real, solid, loving family for their little girl.

She chuckles softly. "You really convinced me that it's a girl, Castle." Listening to his own laughter in delight.

(***)

It's been six week since she last saw him, her heart beating so heavily in her chest, she's sure it breaks her ribs any second and jumps out. Six weeks. It feels like an eternity.

The airport is buzzing around her, people hurrying in all directions, eager to get home or to their families to spend the holidays with them. It's so busy it makes her dizzy, her anxiety creeping up. She should've been behind her desk right now. Should sit on her desk, probably staring at his chair like she did the past weeks since she came back from Ireland. She usually works on the holidays, keeping watch. That's her tradition.

But he invited her to spend Christmas with his family in northern Italy, somewhere north from Venice, where he has signings and interviews the next few days before the holidays. Alexis' hand is suddenly on hers, startling her as her fingers weaving in between hers. The girl smiles softly at her. Martha and her picked her up on their layover in London, flying in together to Venice, since there haven't been any nonstop flights available from New York to Venice on their dates anyway.

"Everything will be alright, you'll see," she says, before looking over Kate's shoulder to her grandma. "Right, Grams?"

"She's right, Kiddo. Everything will be perfectly fine." Martha's hand covers her cheek, and Kate allows herself to relish in the motherly touch, taking a deep breath, trying to calm her down. She's spent a lot of time with the Castle women lately, Martha inviting her over for dinner on a regular basis since she returned. Being put on desk duty after she told her captain allowed her most evenings to leave at decent hours, even though it still feels like a punishment. She loves to be out on the street, actively catching killers, but they have rules, a pregnant Detective is not allowed in the field, so desk duty it is. The boys have been eyeing her suspicously, trying to pry the reason out of her, but she only said that she had a medical condition, not ready to tell them yet. Not yet. Not before she reached the second trimester. Still scared that something could go wrong, even though the frequent visits at her OBGYN to monitor her closely - given her family history and her high-stress job, and of course, Castle's additional tests, show that everything is perfectly fine. More than that. Their little babygirl looks like a little gummybear, moving a lot, probably as antsy as Castle himself.

The thought makes her smile. She wonders how he'll react when he sees her. If he notices it instantly. She's starting to show. Not much. Only a firm little bump, no one would even suspect anything remotly to a pregnancy yet.

"Dad just texted," Alexis informs her with a sigh, "he can't make it. They are keeping him at the studio, the interview running longer and Paula forces him to stay. He'll meet us at the hotel, but he send a car instead." She feels relieved. She shouldn't be, really, but she is. The bonding with his family was amazing, she loves how much Alexis confides in her, loves how much Martha takes care of her, so naturally, as if she's always been a part of their family. Their casual dinners the highlights in her weeks and she's so grateful for it.

But even though she and Castle texted a lot, and talked or even tried to video chatted on a regular basis, if his schedules allows that is, she still has no idea where they stand now. And she doesn't want to greet him awkwardly under the scrutiny of his family, maybe slip something. Martha knows, but she's not sure if Castle already told Alexis in the week she's already spent with him. If she knows something she's keeping it perfectly hidden.

She slightly sways in her heels, almost twisting her ankle, she's beyond exhausted. Hasn't slept at all on the flight to London or during their eight-hour layover or the two-hour flight to venice. She's on her feet for over twentyfour hours now, pregnancy still making her bone-weary, she desperatly needs to lay down in her hotelroom, get some sleep.

Alexis' arm wraps around her waist, steadying her and she shoots her a grateful smile. "Shouldn't have worn these heels on a long journey like this, my feet hurt like hell," she whispers to the girl, really regretting her choice. But she feels confident wearing them, making her feel badass and she felt she could've needed a bit badass energy while facing the unknown with Castle.

Only that he stood them up and now she's just tired, but they finally got their luggage and can step out of the airport and get into the car Castle sent them. She's fast asleep the moment the driver accelerates. Faintly registering silent murmur, a deep, familiar rumble and the feeling of being weightless, before she's being pulled deeper in her dream of Castle dancing with her, hauling her up in his arms, swaying her around, placing soft kisses on her lips, her cheeks.

(***)

She wakes to the sound of soft clacking, as if someone would be typing on their laptop right next to her. She frowns. Strange. Who would type in her apartment? Softly sighing, she nuzzles her face deeper into the incredible comfortable cushion smelling like him. Like Castle. Did she sleep at the loft again? But his smell is long gone from the cushions there, replaced with her own.

A soft, deep chuckle makes her shoot up, jerk fully awake and look around. She's not at the loft. And she's certainly not in her apartment. The luxurious setting, the soft tones and high quality of the interiour definitely not hers. It's dark behind the windows, but she can catch a glimmer of grey.

"Good morning, sleeping beatuy," his voice, low, husky as if he has either spoken too much recently or not at all in hours, sending shivers down her spine. She takes a deep breath before she turns to him. Propped up with some cushions in his back, he's laying beside her in the gigantic bed, clad in a soft t-shirt and sweats, his laptop on his lap, a warm smile on his lips, mischief glittering in his eyes as he watches her waking up, her heart soaring at his sight. He's here. He's really here. Six weeks has been way too long. Oh, how good he looks, how handsome he is. She can't help but stare at him, sees how much it amuses him, oh, gosh, it amuses him, how much has she missed this smirk. "Liking what you see, detective?"

"More than you'll ever now," she whispers, stunning him, his mouth slightly agape. "Wait, how am I here?"

Castle chuckles at that, presses some keys on his laptop before closing the lid and placing it on his nightstand, before getting up, causing her heart to sink in disappointment. "You fell asleep in the car. We've been trying to wake you, but you were fast asleep, so I carried you up here, put you in bed." Just then she realises that she's wearing nothing but her underwear and the top she's been wearing under her dressshirt. Seering shame lights her cheeks and she has to think of her dream, the kisses burning on her skin.

"Did you kiss me?" The words running away from her before she can stop them, probably deeping the red on her cheeks. Castle arches an eyebrow, looking slightly offended.

"Despite what you might think of me, I don't take advantage of unconscious women and situations like that." Oh. Okay. She hangs her head, fiddling with the premium linen of their bedding, she could slap herself for being so stupid. Of course he didn't kiss her.

"I might've kissed you on your forehead though. And maybe your cheek." His voice is startling her, suddenly so close to her, she didn't even notice that he was rounding the bed and lowering himself on the bed now. "But I wanted to wait with this until you're awake." Before she can say anything his hands cup her face, his fingers weave in her hair, sending little jolts of electricity through her whole body, then he pulls her in for a slow and sweet kiss, carressing her lips with his mouth, sending liquid fire through her veins. Her arms wrap around his shoulder, launching herself at him, the finger skimming the bare skin on her abdomen making her moan. But then, he suddenly freezes, letting go of her, bringing distance like a cold breeze between them, and she has to fight to keep her disappointment hidden. It's too early. Of course, it's too early.

"Kate–", his voice breaks on her t, startling her from her thoughts and she lifts her head to meet her eyes, but he's not looking at her, he's looking at her belly. His fingers skimming over the little bump she's grown just in the past few days. It suddenly was there when she woke up, just plopped out. Warmth floods her, finally catching up to whats really going on here.

"Meet your babygirl, Rick," she whispers, covering his hand with hers, pressing it firmly against sweet little proof that their baby is growing in her belly, even though it's still so little, the diameter is barely bigger than her fist, but it's there. Her eyes starting to burn, as he lifts his head again and their gazes lock, his eyes as watery as hers and they both let a tear escape as he lets out a shuddering breath, then his mouth comes down hot on hers, making up for the time they spent apart.

I originally wanted to write something different, but after the phone call they had, I wanted to give them something to hold onto. What do you think? Love your thoughts

xo

K