Disclaimer: Everything belongs to The Marvel Universe except for my characters Sophie and Jeremy and any other SOs that become introduced – they are my own creations and are not meant to resemble anyone else's OCs in any way.

A/N: Well well, I've been getting quite a bit of hate mail about Rose lol. Please hang in there with me and just…make it to the end of this chapter…

Also, there will be a few back and forth scenes between Sophie and Bucky. It will start with a particular song and for those of you that like to listen along, I had it on repeat throughout all of those scenes. I will also apologize for the barrage of music in this chapter. It helps me really get in the right headspace when writing the more emotional scenes.

Chapter 22: The Things Between Us

(Carousel — Melanie Martinez, SNBRN Remix)

Head pounding and nausea rising, Sophie woke up the next day with a groan. She couldn't remember the last time she'd had so much to drink and sorely regretted it. Shutting her eyes tightly against the bright light streaming through her open window, she rolled to her left. Her hand hit something hard and she cracked an eye. Perched on the edge of her bed was an empty bowl with a sticky note on it that read "use me." She blinked a few times. Then her eyes slid over to her nightstand. There stood a bottle of aspirin with another note reading "eat me" and a glass of water with a sticky note that said "drink me". She couldn't help the smile that tugged at her lips. Then her gaze dropped to the notebook paper that lay all by itself. In handwriting that was achingly familiar, there were only two lines scrawled: "Call me" followed by "I'm sorry" a few lines down. Bucky had signed it at the bottom as if she wouldn't already know who it was from.

Before she could register what was happening, the grief took hold. Her bottom lip began to wobble, followed by a sob that wracked through her body. Curling into her pillow, she let the tears flow freely. Alpine jumped up onto the bed, settling herself against the top of Sophie's head, providing a modicum of comfort. But the pain and heartache bled out of her in torrents.

"I love him," she wept into her pillow. "Oh God, I love him…"

Why? Why did I wait so long? What was I so scared of? How can life be so cruel?

Alpine stood, carefully making her way down Sophie's body. She nuzzled the side of her face until Sophie rolled onto her side and scooped the cat against her chest.

"What am I going to do now, Alpine? I can't…I can't…"

Another sob shuddered through her, leaving her unable to finish the sentence. After several long minutes, Alpine pulled away from her. Tail flicking lazily, she patted Sophie's hand with her soft paw. Sophie opened her eyes and looked at the cat who began to chirp at her. Whether it was her way of trying to comfort the crying woman, or telling her she was ready for breakfast, Sophie wasn't sure. Reaching up, she scratched behind the soft ears, eliciting a loud purr. Forcing herself out of bed, she went to the bathroom and washed her face, changing into a pair of sweats — shower be damned. After feeding Alpine, who had been indeed asking for breakfast, she threw herself backwards onto her bed again. Sophie wanted to call Bucky so badly. She wanted to hear the sound of his voice. She wanted to tell him how much she appreciated what he'd done, how sweet he was, how she wasn't mad at him because she knew his outburst came from a place of concern. She wanted to tell him she loved him. But she did none of those things. Instead, she picked up her phone and dialed a completely different number, setting it on speaker.

*Hey Sophie! What's up?*

Just the sound of Nat's voice broke her all over again.

*Oh my God. Sophie. What's wrong? What happened?!*

"I—" she gasped in between sobs. "I fucked up. You were right Nat. And I was too scared and too stupid and now it's too late. It's all too late."

There was silence on the other end for a few beats before Natasha asked again softly, *What happened?*

Sophie sniffled a few times, her tears subsiding.

"He asked Rose to move in with him."

She could hear her friend's deep sigh through the phone.

*I'm so sorry Sophie. But, why did you wait so long? You must have known…deep down.*

"There wasn't anything romantic going on between us before. And then…by the time I realized I had feelings for him, it was too late."

*Oh come off it. You know it was never just sex between you and Bucky. There was always something more. You were just lying to yourselves.*

"You say it like he had feelings for me too."

*I wouldn't be surprised if he did. Who knows, maybe he still does.*

"First of all, don't do that to me. Don't get my hopes up again when they've just been crushed so badly. Second of all, maybe I didn't want to admit how I felt about him because he never acted like I was anything more than a friend."

*Didn't he though?*

"What do you mean?"

*I love Bucky like a brother. But our relationship has never been anything like yours was with him. Not even close.*

Sophie remained quiet, digesting what Nat was telling her.

*Think about all the times he was there for you when Jeremy fucked up. About how he'd fly back with you to visit your mom. How he took care of you when you were sick. My God, the guy was willing to help you raise another man's child when you had that pregnancy scare!*

"You said you would have helped too. So that doesn't count."

Natasha laughed on the other line.

*Of course I would have helped. We all would have. But you know that Bucky would have treated that kid like it was his own. Hell I wouldn't have been surprised if he'd have told you to move in with him just to make it easier on you.*

Shock reverberated through her system, her gut confirming the truth of that statement.

"Nat," she whispered. "Could I really have been that blind? Did I miss all of the signs?"

The Black Widow did not reply, but her silence was answer enough.

"What do I do?" Sophie breathed out urgently. "Tell me what to do."

There was another long pause before her friend replied gently.

*The way I see it, you have two options at this point. One: you can go to Bucky and lay it all out. Confess how you feel. Let him know that you know it's terrible timing, but you couldn't not tell him.*

Sophie took in a gasping breath.

"And the other?"

*You let him go.*

Her heart cracked wide open.

*There's no in-between anymore Sophie. If you go this route, you have to just cut him out of your life. No more calls or texts. No more hangouts. No more…anything. If you ever want to have a chance of moving on, this is it.*

"And what about work? I'm not giving up my career over something like this."

*Of course not.*

"So what do I do then? I'm Bucky's Eye!"

*As much as I love working with Michael, I know he'd have no problem going back to Bucky.*

Sophie exhaled deeply.

"I can't tell him Nat. It would crush him. Whether he had feelings for me before, or he never did at all, it would crush him knowing that I'm in love with him and he doesn't return it now. I can't make him feel guilty for not loving me back. And as much as I hate Rose, if he loves her, if he's happy with her, he deserves that. Without my interference."

Natasha was silent for so long that Sophie wondered if the line had dropped.

*Then I guess you've made your decision.*

Jaw clenching tight, Sophie sat still, unable to utter a confirmation.

*Listen, I hate to, but I have to go. I'll talk to Michael later about making the switch. Knowing him, he won't even ask why.*

"Ok, thanks Nat," she replied softly.

Having hung up the phone, she continued to sit on her bed crosslegged with her knees drawn up. Hugging her legs to her chest, Sophie laid her cheek down on her knee. Her eyes were drawn to the sheet of notebook paper.

Call me. I'm sorry. Bucky.

Her eyes glazed over. Very slowly, with her heart pounding painfully in her chest, she reached back for her phone. Scrolling to her favorites, she went to Bucky's contact info. One by one, she cut him out of her life. Phone calls: blocked. Texts: blocked. Email: blocked. She stared at the screen, trying desperately not to let the agony consume her. Phone still in hand, a text came through from Natasha just as Alpine rejoined her on the bed.

Nat: Michael called me so I went ahead and made the request. We're good to go. As of tomorrow, you are officially my Eye.

She let the phone slip out of her hand. Eyes growing watery with unshed tears, Sophie looked over at Alpine. The cat sat in front of her in all of her beautiful glory. Front paws tucked side by side, head held high, her tail swooshed. She cocked her head slightly, observing her human. And right at that moment, amongst the thick white fur, something glittered in the sun. With shaking hands, Sophie reached out slowly to Alpine's collar. And there, resting against her fingers, was the other half of her gold heart.

…

The next week was miserable for Bucky. He couldn't stop thinking about everything that had happened the other night. He thought about how he'd wanted to reach back and wipe the tears from Sophie's face so badly when he'd spied them in his rearview mirror. And then his mind would inevitably travel back to when he'd walked her up to her apartment.

(The Sun — Maroon 5)

Sophie closed the bathroom door softly behind her. Bucky made his way to her kitchen on quiet feet. He pulled out a few sticky notes from the top drawer and scribbled notes on each one, attaching them to various objection. Once he was done, he carried everything back into the bedroom. Sophie had yet to emerge, so he set everything out on her nightstand, making sure she wouldn't miss anything in the morning. Turning down her bed, he set the empty bowl down beside her pillow, then sat down on the bed to wait. Alpine leapt up and nuzzled him for attention.

"Hey girl," he whispered. "I miss you. I miss you a whole lot."

The cat purred in contentment as Bucky rubbed her back gently. His heart tugged when she bounced up and head butted him affectionately under the chin.

"I'm so sorry," he took in a shuddering breath as he continued to speak quietly to her in the darkness. "You'll never know just how sorry I am to have let you go. But this is better for you anyway."

The bathroom door opened and Sophie stepped out, still fully clothed. He watched her struggle with the zipper of her dress for a moment. Standing up, Bucky set Alpine down and closed the distance between them.

"Here, let me help you," he murmured as he reached behind her..

Her arms flew up and crossed over her chest. Bucky's heart pinched. Part of him knew he was in a relationship now and that, although he was just trying to help a friend, he shouldn't be doing this. But part of him also couldn't find it in him to care. He just wanted things to go back to how they used to be.

"No," Sophie told him as she stepped out of his reach. "Don't."

He dropped his hands back down to his sides and nodded slowly.

"Alright."

"Turn around," she asked quietly.

Nostalgia, regret, understanding. It all swirled together deep inside his chest at her soft command. He took in her unsteadiness but didn't say anything else as he spun around, hands diving into his pockets. He could hear Sophie fumbling with the zipper before a shuffling noise sounded as she moved sluggishly.

"Forget it," she mumbled, crawling into bed. "I'll sleep in the dress."

Bucky turned back towards her and frowned. He knew he shouldn't, but the guilt of snapping at her was already eating at him. The last thing that he wanted to do was leave her drunk and alone, dressed in uncomfortable street clothes.

"I can help you," he said.

Burrowing down under the blankets, she closed her eyes.

"Please leave," she whispered.

Bucky continued to stand immobile, staring at her in quiet agony. Her plea was slowly shattering his heart. He'd messed up. He felt like he was always messing up these days. Nothing was ever right between them anymore. Once more he wished he could take things back to how they used to be…before.

"Thank you for tonight, but please leave."

He remained still and silent, contemplating what he could possibly say to her. But he knew that there was nothing more to be done tonight.

Tomorrow. I'll come back over tomorrow and apologize when she's sober. Maybe we can talk for real about all this shit between us.

Making up his mind, he let out an inaudible sigh and walked out on silent feet.

Try as he might, he couldn't get ahold of Sophie now. His calls wouldn't connect, his texts wouldn't send, and every time he stopped by her place she wasn't home. He felt so guilty for losing his temper with her at the bar, and to top it off, there was a nagging feeling deep within that something was very wrong. His instincts were telling him to go into Winter Soldier mode — scout out her apartment, track her down, do whatever he needed to do to make sure she was ok and safe. But the logical side of him knew he couldn't invade her privacy like that.

He'd thought about talking to Natasha, but finally decided that he'd take a minute during their mission tonight to try to have a private conversation with Sophie through the comms instead. So there he was, sitting with Steve and Nat in the Quinjet as it smoothly flew to their destination. The Eyes hadn't yet arrived when they took off, so now, Bucky waited. He waited with baited breath for the telltale crackle of the comms coming to life. He waited to hear her voice float into his ear. And as he sat there waiting, he suddenly realized just how badly he'd missed Sophie this week.

The crackle sounded.

Bucky sat up straighter, coming out of his slouch, heart thudding.

*Hey Sarge. Michael here. You copy?*

Bucky's brows furrowed. He turned his head slightly to the right and away from his companions across the aisle from him.

"Yeah, coming through loud and clear…where's Sophie?"

There were a few beats of silence on the line and Bucky was about to repeat himself when Michael finally answered.

*She…she requested a swap. She's working with Nat now.*

Bucky's head shot over to the Black Widow who was studiously avoiding eye contact as she mumbled into her own comms.

*She didn't tell you, did she?*

"How long?" was his only reply.

Silence.

"For how long Michael?"

*The swap is permanent Bucky.*

His heart stopped. Fear, anguish, rage. It all flooded his system in a single deluge. He tore the earpiece out and jumped to his feet.

"What the fuck, Natasha?!" He growled.

Nat calmly pulled out her own ear piece as she gazed at him placidly. Steve stood up, eyes ping-ponging back and forth between his two friends.

"Is that her? Is that Sophie?!" He pointed at her earpiece.

Natasha only blinked up at him.

"Let me talk to her."

"No."

"What do you mean 'No'?!"

"Bucky, you need to calm down."

"What the hell is going on?!"

"She doesn't want to talk to you."

It felt like a gut punch. Air going out of his sails, Bucky slumped back down in his seat. Steve's brows pulled together in confusion as he continued to watch the other two closely, slowly retaking his seat next to Natasha.

"Is this all because of what happened at the bar?" He asked quietly. "I know you know. She tells you practically everything. And I realize I was a jerk, ok? I've been trying to reach her to apologize but I can't get throu—"

Eyes opening wide in realization, he felt the air leave him like an invisible hand choking at his throat.

"She…she blocked me."

Nat watched him with a pained expression. The need to throw up roiled swiftly in his stomach. He swallowed convulsively a few times, keeping the sensation at bay.

"Because of the bar?!" he whispered.

A look of pity crossed her face.

"Amongst other things," she replied.

"What? What else?"

"Bucky…you need to give her space."

"You've got to be kidding me," he barked at the Black Widow. "How can I make it right if I can't talk to her?!"

Keen eyes contemplated him for several quiet moments.

"How's it going with Rose?" She ventured.

"What? It's great."

The lie seemed to slip out easily enough despite being taken aback by the sudden change of topic.

"I heard she's moving in with you."

Steve's eyes widened, clearly not having heard the news yet.

"Yeah," Bucky breathed out. "She is."

Natasha just stared at him. Bucky let out a deep, slow, exhale. Running his hand through his hair as his head hung low, he looked up at her through his lashes.

"Nat, please. Let me talk to her. I need to talk to her."

"No. What you need is to leave her alone and give her the space she wants."

Gritting his teeth, he steeled himself against the assault of panic and pain that ravaged his insides. His body itched to do something, to spring into action. But there was nothing he could do.

…

(Wrecked — Imagine Dragons)

It had to get better. This gaping hole in her chest ever since she cut Bucky out completely. It simply had to. Sophie lay in bed, curled around Alpine, and gazed out her window. The rain fell in a steady rhythm, the morning dark and bleak. For two weeks now she walked around with a constant ache that filled every crevice of her body. A ceaseless feeling like there was something missing. Over and over she'd pick up her phone to call or text Bucky, only to remember that he was no longer a part of her life. The tears would come at random, always unbidden, and today was no exception. Her mind wandered back to the mission a week ago that Nat had with him. She could still hear the growl of his panicked voice through the comms when he realized the swap she'd made with Michael. The line had gone dead on her end after that, an indication that Natasha had removed her earpiece. When she'd asked her friend about it later, all that the Black Widow had told her was that he "wasn't too happy about it" but she'd talked to him and he wouldn't keep bothering her. It was both a relief and a misery. Every time her phone rang or beeped, her heart still leapt before her brain caught up with her. Closing her eyes, she buried her face in the cat's soft fur as her fingers slid over the gold heart, one hanging around her neck and the other around Alpine's.

…

It was another gloomy morning. Another day that he couldn't seem to drag himself out of bed. Bucky lay on his stomach, his right arm hanging over the edge of the bed as he stared unseeing at the fat raindrops that hit the glass of his large atelier window. He should get up and get dressed. He should go to the gym. He should go see Dr. Young. But he did none of those things. Bucky continued to lay motionless and stare. There was an audible sigh from the bedroom door.

"Are you planning on getting out of bed at some point today? It's already ten. You're usually up by six at the latest."

"No," he mumbled without turning to look at Rose.

"Don't you have an appointment with your therapist?"

"I cancelled it."

"Again?"

He didn't answer. Rose sighed again.

"This is like the third day in a row you've just loafed around in bed doing nothing. What the hell is going on?"

Somehow finding a smidgen of energy, he shrugged a single shoulder at her.

"Maybe I'm just not feeling good."

"Is this another migraine thing?"

"No. I just…need to rest."

There was a huff and he could practically see Rose crossing her arms over her chest.

"Come on…get dressed and join me for breakfast. Let's go out."

"I'm tired."

"How can you be tired? You've done nothing but sleep."

Silence. Another sigh from the doorway.

"Ok, fine. You continue doing whatever you're doing. I'm calling my girlfriends and going out. I'm not sure I'll be back tonight. I don't know how much more of your mood I can take right now."

Bucky didn't bother to respond.

…

With her eyes closed, Sophie let the images fill her mind. It was like watching a movie projected on the inside of her eyelids. Her brain tortured her as it replayed some of her favorite moments with Bucky over the last nearly five years that she'd known him. No matter how hard she tried to stop the deluge, she couldn't unsee his smiling face, or the way his eyes sparkled when he teased her. She couldn't forget the way his face would get serious when he comforted her, or the way his arms felt around her. She couldn't erase the memory of his lips against hers.

Just today. She told herself. I'll let myself wallow just today…and then tomorrow…tomorrow I'll start letting him go.

A shuddering breath escaped her as the tears continued to roll down her cheeks, a mirror to the rain still pouring out her window.

…

He wasn't sure how much time had passed since Rose left. At some point he'd hauled himself into the bathroom so he could relieve himself. He contemplated getting something to eat but he just wasn't hungry.

When's the last time I ate?

Mentally shrugging at himself, he curled up on his left side and kept staring out the window. His phone began to buzz on his nightstand, but he reached over and sent the caller to voicemail without looking at the ID. It buzzed again. Voicemail. And again, and again. At last, annoyed by the incessant noise, Bucky reached over to turn it off completely, but his eyes caught on the screen. A feeling of dread trickled down into his stomach. He answered the call, putting it on speakerphone before slowly setting the phone on the bed beside his pillow.

*James…?*

He forced out an exhale.

"Dr. Young."

*I've been worried. Where are you?* the therapist asked gently.

"At home," Bucky rasped out.

*Are you ill?*

The urge to lie came across before he decided it would take more energy than it was worth.

"No."

*Then why aren't you here?*

"I cancelled."

Bucky rubbed the bridge of his nose. His voice sounded so dead and hallow, even to himself.

*I know you did. You've cancelled or rescheduled your last three appointments James.*

He had no answer to this, so he remained silent.

*James…*

Bucky made some sort of noise of acknowledgement in the back of his throat but said nothing.

*What's going on?*

He sighed.

"Nothing…I just…I…"

He could feel his throat closing up and just wanted to be left alone. He wanted to give in and let the darkness swallow him. Let the nothingness take away this torturous pain that reverberated through his insides. Numbness was preferable to whatever this was. But as he closed his eyes against the wetness spilling out, an image of Sophie surfaced. Her worried face as it hovered in front of him the first time he was triggered around her. She had filled every inch of his vision, standing on tip toe to block out the overstimulating New York City street. Her small hands cupped his cheeks, concerned eyes boring into his as she talked to him low and sweet. She had rescued him that day, her voice a gentle caress over his frazzled mind. Desperate emotions pulsed through him as she brought him back and grounded him. The impulse to grab her and kiss her had been so strong it was nearly overwhelming. But he hadn't. She'd been with Jeremy at that time. So instead he let his eyes rove over her face, memorizing every freckle, the curve of her lips, the minute color variations of her irises. He wanted to slip beneath the surface now, but for Sophie, for Sophie he'd fight it.

Dr. Young remained on the other line, quietly waiting for Bucky to continue.

"I'm not ok," he whispered, voice breaking.

…

They sat together on the couch, Natasha's back against Steve's chest, but neither one was really watching whatever was on the TV. At last, she broke the silence.

"Steve?"

"Hmm?"

There was a beat of silence before, "I don't think Bucky is doing well."

She felt him sigh against her.

"I don't think he is either," he admitted quietly. "But he won't talk to me. He's shutting me out and honestly…I'm getting worried."

"Is he still talking to his therapist?"

"I'm not sure, but I have a feeling he's not."

They grew silent again.

"I don't think Sophie is ok either," Natasha finally confessed.

Steve remained quiet, waiting for her to go on.

"Their falling out is destroying them."

He rubbed a hand up and down over his face, releasing a frustrated sigh.

"I just don't get it. I don't get it! They should be together. They're perfect for one another. What the hell happened?!"

Natasha didn't say anything. Her mind whirled as she wrestled with herself, trying to decide if she should break Sophie's confidence.

"Maybe there's just too much water under the bridge now," she whispered.

"I don't believe that," Steve countered. "This can't be it for them. I refuse to accept that."

Something in his words, in the fire in his tone, the assuredness of the statement, finally allowed Natasha to make up her mind.

"I'm meeting him for lunch tomorrow. And I think I need to have a long overdue conversation with him."

"He's been so out of sorts, don't be surprised if he cancels on you."

"Oh he's already done that once. I made him swear up and down he'll actually show up this time. And if he doesn't I'll hunt him down and drag him out myself."

Steve laughed, causing her body to jostle.

"Well I hope he shows up then, for his sake."

And then after a short pause, "Let me know how it goes."

Natasha nodded against his chest.

…

(In The End — Mellen Gi Remix, Tommee Profitt)

He'd spent half an hour on the phone with the therapist the night before. They didn't touch on any details, but attempted to sort through some of the darkness and anguish that seemed to be anchoring Bucky down at the moment. And when they were done, he'd set up an actual appointment for the following morning, promising to come in this time. So when his alarm rang the next day, he somehow managed to drag himself out of bed and take a shower. Forcing some food down his throat, he made his way to Dr. Young's office, feeling like a ghost floating through the motions. But every time it got so hard that he wanted to just crawl back into bed, he thought about Sophie's face again. Her whispered words to him. The feeling of her hands on his face. And he pushed on.

"Wow," Dr. Young heaved out an exhale. "Now I see why you've been avoiding me. That's a lot of shit to unpack right there."

Bucky said nothing, just continued to vacantly stare forward.

"Well as you can imagine, I don't have any good thoughts on you giving up Alpine."

"I didn't…give her up. She was always half Sophie's."

"Yes you did James."

Bucky's eyes slid down to the floor.

"She was yours. Sophie helped care for her, but she was yours."

He slumped further down in his seat, wanting to melt away.

"The thing about depression, James, is that it's an insidious thing. And I think, with your perceived rejection from Sophie, you let it take hold and welcomed it with open arms. You allowed yourself to wallow in it. And you let it convince you that you weren't good enough for anyone…including Alpine."

Tortured blue eyes slowly lifted to meet the therapist's nearly black ones.

"It wasn't perceived," he whispered.

"I'm sorry?"

"Sophie's rejection. She's completely cut me out of her life. It wasn't perceived."

Dr. Young studied him for a moment, finger grazing over his bottom lip. Crossing one leg over the other he leaned back in his chair.

"Ok. Let's back up. Let's go allll the way back."

Bucky rested his forearms on his knees as he gazed back warily.

"The second time you ran into Sophie at the coffee shop…What would have happened if she hadn't started dating Jeremy? Would you have asked her out?"

"Yes."

There was no hesitation in the quiet reply.

"Why?"

"Because I knew even then."

"Knew what? You'd just met her."

The super soldier thought over his answer carefully.

"She was kind, caring, gentle…and so beautiful. We just…clicked. And I knew I needed her in my life in any way she'd let me have her. So when she wanted to be friends?" He shook his head and shrugged a lone shoulder. "I took whatever she'd give me."

"So let's fast forward. If this was the case, then why in the world would you agree to her harebrained request when you were both finally single?"

"Because she asked."

"No. There's more."

Bucky couldn't tear his gaze away from the therapist. His breath hitched slightly but he did not respond. So Dr. Young went on.

"Is it because she was giving you another part of herself? A part you never thought you'd be allowed to have? So grasped at the offered scrap instead of sticking your neck out."

"That's absurd," he snapped.

"Is it?"

"Yes! We had a chance to be together, but nothing happened beyond the physical."

"Why not?"

Jaw clenching so tightly his teeth hurt, Bucky gripped the edge of the couch until the wooden frame groaned.

"Why not?" The therapist repeated quietly.

"Because she never wanted me like that!" He finally exploded.

"Are you sure? Has she ever said that?"

"Well she's definitely never indicated otherwise!"

"Is that why you started dating other women?"

"No. I started dating again because I actually wanted to find someone to share this fucking life with!"

"Are you sure you weren't just trying to protect your heart?"

"You're ridiculous."

"You know, the funny thing about the things that people don't say, is that it's all so open to interpretation. Which often leads to miscommunication and misinterpretation."

Brows knitting, Bucky could feel the stress starting to make his shoulder muscles ache.

"Are you happy with Rose?"

"Yes!" The response was a knee jerk reaction. He paused for a moment. "I was. At least I thought I was."

"And now?"

"Now I'm having doubts. Especially after everything that happened when I had my last migraine…she just left me…" his voice trailed off with quiet disappointment. "Maybe she never asked the hard questions because she either didn't care or didn't want to know the answers. Or maybe I'm just expecting too much."

"Or maybe you can't help but compare. Not after you've felt what real kindness and caring is. What real love it."

Bucky's eyes glazed over, a pained expression crossing his features.

"You'd think someone who's a veteran herself would have a bit more sympathy for what you're going through though," Dr. Young mumbled.

"She never saw combat," came the whispered reply.

"What was that?"

"She never saw combat. She was in the Air Force but she was a Client Systems specialist. She worked the computer systems and provided technical support. Rose never flew a single mission."

Dr. Young mulled this over for a moment.

"Do you love her?"

"I don't know."

The answer came out fast enough, although his heart whispered a different answer.

No.

"You asked her to move in with you. That's a big step. You should know before you leap like that."

Bucky didn't answer. He knew what Dr. Young was doing. Slowly, carefully, he was leading him down the road that Bucky had been desperately trying to avoid. The road he'd been fighting tooth and nail to ignore. Because if he went there, this rift with Sophie would irrevocably tear him apart.

"Want to know what I think?"

"No."

Dr. Young ignored the smart ass comment.

"I think you're using her as a wall between you and Sophie. As a barrier to protect yourself. Because at the end of the day, you think you don't deserve her. And maybe you still think you don't really deserve to be truly happy. That's why you ended up with Rose. Someone who can latch onto your weaknesses and exploit them. Someone who seems so right but really serves as a reminder of every fault and demon of your past. Someone who is only a shadow of what you really want. You think that you can avoid your real feelings, ignore them, hide them. Maybe even change them if you have Rose. But that's not how it works. You're just going to end up alone and miserable."

His jaw ached and his eyes burned as he listened to the man in front of him.

"It's time to own up to it James. Time to be truthful with yourself."

He could hardly breathe. He knew what was coming and both craved to hear it and wanted to run from it.

"You're in love with Sophie. You always have been. And there's no shame in that."

…

Bucky sat on his bike, unable to move it, or even start it for that matter. His hands shook and his heart beat wildly in his chest. At the end of the session, they'd decided to work on his behaviors and altering his mindset before discussing medications. And now he sat there, outside of the building, with this thing blooming deep down in the dark pit of his stomach.

A single thought tumbled through his mind over and over: I love Sophie. I'm in love with her. I'm so fucking in love with her.

And that thing sparked stronger. It was a feeling he vaguely recognized. Something that had seemed so foreign to him once upon a time. Something that slowly began to simmer and ignite after months and months of working with Dr. Young long ago. Hope.

Sucking in a deep breath to steady his nerves, he leaned forward and grasped the handlebars, then kicked his back to life. As he slowly pulled into traffic, his mind was made up on what he needed to do, on the conversations he needed to have. But first…first he had lunch with Natasha. He huffed a laugh to himself as he thought about what she'd do to him if he cancelled on her again. But the chuckle jarred him as he suddenly realized just how long it had been since he'd laughed.

Weaving around the other motorists with ease, he began to piece together his next steps: Lunch with Nat. Conversation with Rose. Face Sophie. He tried not to let the stress and anxiety consume him as he walked into the restaurant. The second he spotted her waiting for him, Bucky realized how opportune this lunch was. With no way to directly contact Sophie anymore, he'd need to get Nat to help him. He greeted her with a kiss on the cheek before seating himself across from her at the small table.

"Well hey, glad you actually showed this time."

"And risk your ire? No thanks."

A self pleased smile tugged at her lips. The waiter came by after several minutes, taking their drink and food orders. They talked about nothing important as they waited on their lunch and Bucky had the distinct impression that she was assessing him for something. Halfway through their meal, he couldn't stand it any more.

"If you have something to say to me, Nat, then say it."

She blinked up at him, the corner of her mouth turning downward. Bucky sighed.

"Ok fine. I'll go first."

He set his knife and fork down and took several deep drinks of his beer.

"I need to talk to Sophie. And I know you said to leave her alone and give her space, but this is important. Where is she?"

Natasha scowled at him momentarily before finally making up her mind and responding.

"Look, she's probably going to hate me for telling you all of this. But I just can't sit by anymore and watch the two of you implode, so here it goes. You have to let Sophie go Bucky. If you don't love her…and I mean love her…not as a friend, but as something more, then you have to let her go. Because you can't have them both and it's completely unfair to her. Sophie is hopelessly in love with you."

Bucky's heart stopped. He felt light headed and he wasn't sure there was oxygen getting to his brain.

"Why didn't she tell me?" He managed to quietly push the words through his dry lips.

"She tried. When she went to talk to you, you told her you were ending things with her because you'd started dating Rose."

His eyes widened in shock as the memory of that night flashed before his eyes. She came to tell him that she loved him, and he'd…his heart squeezed in pain.

"You want to know why she's been distancing herself from you?" Natasha went on. "Let's start with the two conversations she had with Rose."

Bucky's brows knit and his eyes darkened as he sat there listening to the stories unfold. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. How could she go behind his back like that? How could Rose do that to Sophie? To him? Anger and pain simmered hot beneath the surface.

"Eventually, she realized that she'd never be able to move on if she kept up any sort of friendship with you. Not like this. Not with Rose around. It's not fair to her to be forced to watch the two of you together."

He was beside himself. Mind racing so fast he couldn't seem to grasp onto any single thought or feeling. He was a maelstrom of emotions, a volcano that was no longer sleeping. The pressure was building faster than he could contain it. He was going to explode.

"Like I said. If you don't love her back, you have to let her go," she whispered as she gently pried his fingers off his beer glass.

"You're going to break it," Nat told him softly when he looked down at their hands in confusion.

He hadn't even realized he'd still been holding it. Agonized blue eyes bore into her sympathetic ones as they silently regarded one another.

"Nat," he croaked out. "I—I…"

Pushing away from the table he began looking around wildly, trying to figure out how to get out of there as quickly as possible with his half eaten lunch and unpaid check.

"Go."

He looked up at her sharply.

"I'll take care of all of this. Just go."

With a single nod, he was up and out of his chair, striding quickly towards the door.

"She's at home right now."

Nat's voice called out to his retreating back, reaching his ears right before he stepped outside.

…

(What's Wrong — half alive)

The wind whipped against him as he sped through traffic at breakneck speed. He needed to talk to Sophie. He had to talk to her. Now. But as desperately as he wanted to head straight to her apartment and beat down her door, there was one thing he had to do first. The door to his apartment flung open with such force it bounced off the wall and rebounded. He caught it deftly, slamming it shut behind him. Rose had jumped off the couch at the sound and was standing in the middle of the living room, staring at him wide-eyed.

"What the hell? What's going on?"

"How could you?!" He growled as he rounded on her.

She retreated a step, not used to this terrifying side of Bucky.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

Seeing the spark of terror on her face mollified some of his anger. He retreated slightly, hands sliding into his pockets as he stared at her sidelong. Despite how mad he was about what she'd done and what she'd said, he also knew that he hadn't been completely fair to her either.

"How could you go behind my back like that? Say those things to Sophie?"

Back straightening, she crossed her arms over her chest as realization dawned on her.

"Because I knew she'd never let you go otherwise. And you'd always keep coming back to her."

"That's cruel," he whispered. "You knew how she felt…"

"Exactly. How am I supposed to have a relationship with you when you're constantly hanging out with someone else who's in love with you?!"

"But you went behind my back. Don't you see?! Can't you see how controlling and manipulative that is?! After everything that Hydra put me through…for you to do something like that…"

He shook his head, choking on the words, unable to continue.

"I don't know everything they put you through. You've never told me."

"Because you didn't want to know!" He roared.

Rose had the decency to look embarrassed.

"Why didn't you come to me? Why didn't you talk to me if it bothered you?!"

"Because you're in love with her too!" She screamed back.

Mouth snapping shut, Bucky stared at her.

"I thought if she was out of the picture you'd focus on what you had in front of you. You'd realize how good we are together. How much better I am for you than she is. I thought you'd love me instead."

Bucky blinked at her, feeling a twinge of guilt and remorse for how he'd inadvertently treated Rose.

"It all comes down to trust Rose. You left me on the floor when I needed you most. What's just an inconvenient headache for you was literally debilitating for me. I couldn't function. And you just left me."

"I apologized for that," she whispered harshly, eyes misting with tears of shame.

But Bucky plowed on.

"You made me give up Alpine."

Silence.

"I didn't make yo —"

"Yes you did. You knew I was struggling. You knew I was in a dark place and feeling down on myself. And you took advantage of that. You preyed on my spiraling depression so I'd feel like I needed you. So that I'd feel like I had no one left to turn to besides you."

"You're delusional."

"And then you went behind my back twice with Sophie."

She glared at him in defiance.

Sighing deeply, he ran his hand through his hair and looked down at the rug. Then, pulling his weary gaze back to hers, he said his peace.

"Look Rose, at the end the day, we never would have worked out. Even if she didn't exist. Because I realize now what's been missing this entire time. I can't completely trust you with myself. And I can't really be me around you. Not all of me. You don't want to see the dark parts, the broken parts, the pieces of me I'm still trying to heal. The ones that may never completely be fixed. I'm not the person you want me to be. And I can't keep pretending otherwise anymore."

Sniffling, she wiped at her eyes. Her tongue darted out to wet her dry lips as she searched for something to say.

"James…"

His eyes narrowed, the sound of his given name coming from her grating to his ears.

"Please, we can make this work. You can forget about Sophie. She's just holding you back. I've made mistakes, yes. But we can work through them."

"No."

His voice rang out firm and final.

"We can't. Didn't you hear what I just said?"

She stared at him, venom in her gaze now.

"And besides, you were right. I am in love with Sophie."

Her chest heaved as they stood there, facing each other down. The silent air charged between them.

"That's not fair to you either," he whispered. "We both deserve to be happy."

He could see her trying to come up with an argument as her face contorted in anger.

"Enough."

He cut her off before she even began.

"You still have time left on your lease. Go on and renew it. We're done."

"You piece of shit," she hissed at him. "One day, you'll wake up and realize how badly you messed up, letting me go. I may have ignored a lot of things, but you'll come to see it was a blessing for you. Because no one, no one, not even Sophie, can love the sorry and pathetic mess that you are longterm. Not like I could have."

Bucky glared at her, for the first time really seeing the true person that Rose was. He wanted this to be done finally. He wanted her to get her things and leave. He wanted to go see Sophie. The phone buzzing in his pocket jarred him. He pulled it out, eyes moving slowly from her face to the screen so he could read the text.

Steve: Fenhoff located. Avenger Tower STAT.

"FUCK!" Bucky roared in shock as his heart lurched into his throat.

Rose startled backwards, away from him. Pocketing the phone, he looked back over at her, eyes narrowing into a scowl.

"I have somewhere to be," he told her as he stomped into his bedroom to retrieve his go bag.

She slowly trailed after him, watching as he began throwing last minute things in and pulling his tac gear out. He didn't bother to look back at her when he spoke next.

"I expect you and your things to be gone by the time I get back."

Stepping into his bathroom, he changed in record time. When he came out, she was still standing there dumbstruck. He grabbed his bag and slung it over one shoulder. Stopping directly in front of Rose, he looked down his nose at her. Dressed in his full tac gear from head to toe, he was the perfect image of strength and power.

"You can leave the key on the kitchen counter," he snarled quietly.

Without anything further, he spun on his heel and walked away from her forever.

A/N: I hope you all are happy now! It's (almost) everything you've been waiting for! Also, please forgive any errors. I wanted to go ahead and get this out to you all so I only did a single read through.

On another completely unrelated note, my updates have been a bit slow because I've been trying to work on my story in between making my way through my massive TBR list (amongst other things slowing me down). And can I just say that I am now completely sucked into the SJM world?! I just finished ACOMAF and I'm SCREAMING! I was probably screaming for the last like 100 pages but the ending. OMG the ending! Raise your hand if you want to scream with me! LOL

Anyhoo, thank you thank you thank you to all my fantastic people who keep me going with reviews! Season Two, Alices Rabbit1, RollwiththeTide, isabetta1463, Bellatrixskr, lisette, Buckys_UK_Gal, JackWhisperer1011, Guest, acquamarina, Babygail2001, and lize

Season Two: Gaahh! Thank you so much! That really means a lot! And I hope this was a satisfying chapter for you :D

Alices Rabbit1: As always, thank you for your reviews/messages/communications!

RollwiththeTide: You ask, I deliver ;)