About the Author: Buster Manwomb has tugged deep and hard uponst the creamy spliff of God and is currently in "giggle at their own thoughts mode" while reminiscing on their childhood being raised by wolves in the snowy mountains of florida.

Chapter 2: The wreckoning and also Highlander 2 is good

"Sonic!" Rick Sanchez (specifically voiced by the not-Justin-Roiland-guy) portaled in. "I Can get you to the moon! Come with me!"

Sonic went with Rick through his portal to a jungle island somewhere with really pretty ocean water and starving goats eating whatever native animals wont kill them. In the middle of this jungle was an ancient spaceship shaped like a naked man in a T-pose with an erection that stook out at a proud ninety degree angle. One eye is cracked open, revealing an ancient command bridge with seats designed to accommodate a variety of extragalactic aliens that had died out nearly two million years ago.

"Whoa, heheh!" Sonic marveled. "That's something!"

"It's a space ship sonic!" Rick explained energetically, like a man trying to convince someone to jerk off an ancient deity because their precum holds the secrets to cold fusion. "Quick, there's not much time! Get to the cockpit and use the joystick to steer yourself to Doctor robotnik's base!"

"Can't you bring me there with your portals?" Sonic asked.

"Are you kidding? Robotnik would detect my portal as soon as it opened up on the moon!" Rick lied, not wanting to reveal that he wanted this ship off the planets so the island would stop being a pilgrimage site for L Ron Hubbard's groupies (scientologists) and the local resort would go out of business, at which Rick will be able to mock the owner, who kicked him out of its bar for puking onto the ice statues one time too many. "Go! I thought you were fast!"

"I am so fast!" Sonic rushed, struggling to cope with the panic attack that challenge inspired thanks to the inferiority complex that prevents him from firebombing Sega's offices for making games that attracted such a cringey fanbase. "Where do I get in?"

"The pee hole, Sonic!" Rick explained, guessing but letting his judgement of what would look funny drive his instructions. "You need to sound him with your whole body to get inside!"

After several meters of Sonic going an admirable impression of Andy Dufresne during the breakout scene of Shawshank Redemption, he climbed out of a toilet and found himself inside the large alien man-ship.

As soon as he reached the bridge, a hologram on an alien that looked like the ladybug from Pixar's A Bugs Life dressed like a Polish babushka brandishing a 1:69 scale model of a 747 with penetrative intent. "What species do you think I am?"

"I… have no clue." Sonic answered with the honestly of someone that hasn't bought into the narratives of any new age cults.

"Oh, thank fuck, you're not a scientologist." The alien hologram said, their brandished 747 turning flaccid and floating into their holster. "They're so fucking annoying."

"Hell, there's no risk of that with me, Heheh!" Sonic declared proudly with that air of undeserved pride that could only come from a christian use pastor who forgot to switch to decaf in the afternoon. "The only shepherd for me is the Prophet Muhammed!"

"Okay." The alien said. "What can I do for you?"

"I heard this ship can get me too the moon."

"Okay" The hologram said, fading away. "Go ham, but be warned! The engine is wank powered, and you must mastubate the drive shaft to fuel it! Lesser pilots have dies from the wankers cramp they contracted in the attempt!"

"Yeah, that makes sense." Sonic said.

Ever since Disney successfully bribed for religious exemption to skirt around monopoly laws, mankind began referring to intellectual properties as holy symbols and vice versa. This allowed Disney to quickly buy up the copyrights of christianity and islam. The Vatican and the Kaaba have since been rented out on Airbnb and Jesus now appears at comic con more often than churches. This also meant that Jesus had free time. He said he probably wouldn't, because A24 was casting for a film about his hunger strike and he was pretty sure he'd get the role, but they wound up casting Eliot Page as Jesus instead, so actual Jesus was just vibing at his apartment until the welfare check came.

To save time, Sonic the Hedgehog pulled Jesus from that scene straight to his own "Jesus! This ship is masturbation powered! I need to call in a favour so you can jerk us off to the moon! I saw what you could do in Buster Manwomb's previous diddlefic. You're the only one that can help!""

"Shit, you overprepared, amigo!" Jesus said, dabbing. "I can jerk you off to the moon without a spaceship!"

And so Jesus jerked Sonic the Hedgehog off to the moon. Jesus barely managed to slide his calculatedly quivering tongue along the bulgingly defined veins ensconced within Sonic's surging cock that sent Sonic ejaculation into the sky, Team Rocket style.

Sonic landed on his feet on the moon because he's just so freaking cool. Jesus landed of his feet, but shakily because he's still cool, but not as cool as Sonic; at least that's what the Unofficial Visual Bible for Sonic Porn specifies. The christian bible has weirdly little information about Jesus' gonads.

"I'm going to get a drink while you avenge your dude." Jesus pointed at the nearest starbucks. It had a street sign that said '9 dollar coffees are the new 5 dollar coffees. Try our new 11 dollar coffees today!'

And so Sonic walked into Dr Eggman's moon fortress, which was directly across the street from the starbucks. Dr Eggman didn't expect Sonic to masturbate to the moon so quickly, so the door was unlocked, and Eggman didn't even realize it when Sonic began grinding a rollercoaster of rails straight to his living room.

"At last!" Eggman monologued. "Hiding the Dragon Balls on the moon may have prevented the z-fighters from finding them, but that would never hope to keep ME, Doctor David Eggman, away from them!"

The balls throbbed, and expelled a luminous rope of light, which swelled and surged into a heccin boy boy.

"I AM THE ETERNAL DRAGON!" The Eternal dragonned. "What is your wish?"

"Listen here, Dragon!" Eggman Robotnicked. "I want you to kill my slutty doctor ex, who-

"HA!" Sonic kicked Eggman from behind into a volcano. Ending his consuming thirst for revenge and finally allowing him to get closure and move on with his life. "Dragon, can you bring Tails back to life?"

"Yes, but be warned." The Dragon Be Warning. "Tail's most recent quicksave was from before he entered the circumcision clinic. When he comes back to life, he will once again bear the trouser turtleneck."

Sonic stared dissociatively in to space. He couldn't bear the loss... Could he?... Would he?

"How about you just stop his corpse from rotting?"

"Sure"

And so, Sonic avenged and fucked Tails, granting his spirit passage to the holy lands.

As soon as he's done temporarily burning in hell for patronizing IDF-licensed OnlyFans pages.

THE END