Chapter 12:
2019 (Season 14)
Tag to: Lebanon

In the shock of his Dad's appearance and then disappearance it had taken Dean a few days to notice. Mary chose to stay around the bunker over the last week trying for the first time to piece together the relationship that had been between John and her boys.

Sam sat patiently as she asked questions. He answered in a way that put the blame on himself for John's missteps. So unlike the angry sullen teen and twenty something he had been who blamed Dad for everything. Dean, so unlike his twenty something self as well was quick to jump in when he thought Sam was taking to much of the blame upon himself. Over the years Sam had grown to understand Dean and John's positions, and Dean was finally in a place where he realized agreeing with Sam on some aspects of how they were raised was not a betrayal to his Dad.

At this time though, Dean was barely focused on the conversation at hand. He was focused instead on another bead of sweat that made its way across Sam's brow. It was an especially hot day in the bunker. In fact, it had been an unusually hot week. And Sam was yet again wearing a flannel over his t-shirt.

For years Sam had hid under long sleeves. First he hid the fresh cuts from Dean, then later it continued to hide scars from his Dad. Once the two of them had gotten back on the road together, Sam rarely covered the scars in Dean's presence, and when he did it typically meant that he had fallen back into old habits.

So now Dean noticed the obsessive way Sam kept pulling his sleeves down to over his hands and how Sam had kept his arms covered for going on 7 straight days. Dean's thoughts drifted back towards the conversation between his mother and brother.

"I'm just having a hard time seeing my two little boys all alone in backroad motels rooms. John tried to explain it to me but I can't wrap my head around it." Mary said.

"Well Mom…revenge is a powerful thing. I've been there. It really wasn't so bad, I always had Dean to watch my back." Sam answered.

"I tried… wish I could say I always succeeded in keeping you safe." Dean piped in.

There was so much to that statement. Sam losing the love of his life, Sam being kidnapped, Sam falling into the cage, Sam hallucinating. But at that moment all he could think of was a sixteen year old boy warning Dean not to freak out when he saw the scars.

"You did Dean. I'm still here." Sam answered.

"You boys did more then I ever could've imagined. Now I am going to head off to bed. This week has exhausted me."

"Good night Mom." Dean whispered.

For about five more minutes the Winchester brothers sat in silence sipping at their beers before Sam suddenly cleared his throat.

"You okay Dean? You've been deep inside your own head today." Sam asked.

"Sorry. I know that is typically more your think Geek boy." Dean answered.

Sam laughed and leaned across the table and Dean's eyes watched as Sam's sleeves
lifted just a little bit.

"C'mon Dean, what's going on?"

Dean sighed and looked up at Sam.

"You uhh… getting sick or something? Fever?" Dean asked lamely.

Sam frowned.

"No of course not why would you think that?"

Dean shrugged and pointed down at Sam's arm.

"You've just been wearing a lot of long sleeves in the middle of a heat wave."

Realization crossed Sam's face and he looked sheepishly around the room.

"Can we uh… not do this here?" Sam whispered.

Sam stood and motioned at Dean to follow him and they made their way down to their makeshift living room. Sam closed the door behind him and locked the door which made Dean roll his eyes.

"Who do you think is going to walk in here?" Dean huffed.

"The one person in this world I do not want to see these." Sam said.

Dean waited as Sam undid his shirt. He took a deep breath and took a few seconds to open his eyes expecting carnage before him. When he opened his eyes, he saw… nothing. There was no blood or stitches. Not what he thought he was going to see. Dean frowned as he looked up at Sam's face.

"Sammy…There is nothing there. You didn't do anything." Dean said.

"No I didn't…haven't even thought about it." Sam whispered.

Sam sighed and sat down on the couch with his head in his hand.

Dean was at a loss for words. He sat down beside his brother, and looked at Sam's mop of hair.

"Sammy you gotta help me here I don't understand. If you didn't do anything then why are you upset?"

"I know you barely notice them anymore. That you have gotten used to them. I know you even find some comfort in seeing them because you can check up on me without having to ask… I barely notice them either. But everyone else does and I just can't explain it to her."

Dean suddenly understood.

"You are worried about Mom asking about yours scars? Lots of hunters have scars Sammy."

"Not like these and you know it."

Dean took a moment to look down at the scars. For the first time he stopped looking at them in a clinical sense and tried to look at them as an outsider. Sam was right, these scars were white and raised and in an obvious pattern that reminded him of a railroad track. Most people could figure out they were self inflicted.

"Hey Sammy? How long has it been since you did this?" Dean asked.

Sam shrugged.

"Dunno, guess since last time I went down to the pit… when I got back from my last visit with Lucifer…3 years?"

"Right. So you do not get to be ashamed of these anymore. I think 1 year is the statute of limitations on that."

"Statute of Limitations huh?" Sam smirked.

"I picked up on some of that college boy lawyer speak. Took me over a decade to have to use it."

Sam laughed softly and stared at the scars in a way that made Dean very uncomfortable.

"Do you miss it Sammy?" Dean inquired.

"Sometimes. I miss having something that made me feel better. Mostly when I look at them I just see the times I let you down." Sam explained.

"Funny, because for a long time when I saw them it made me think of all the times I let you
down." Dean responded.

"You letting me down didn't cause me to do this." Sam said.

They were past the point of having to lie to each other. They knew they had each disappointed the other. Just as they knew they had forgiven each other.

"Do you know what I think when I see them now?" Dean asked.

"Nothing good."

"Actually I see growth. There was a time our bond was so fractured you did this because you didn't think you could come to me. Now, when you feel like hell you tell me. When I see those scars I think of how everything has changed for the better."

Sam stared at Dean in awe.

"Well…thanks. I uhhh… I will try to be less self conscience."

"Okay. Well this has been enough of a chick flick moment for me I think." Dean stood and stretched.

"Yeah I'm going to bed. Maybe even sleep in a little."

"Yeah right Mr. Sunshine. See you at 6."

Sam laughed and disappeared down the corridor. Dean waited until he heard Sam's door close and then made his way to Mary's room. He knocked on the door and waited as
Mary opened it.

"Did you need something Dean?"

Mary opened the door and let Dean inside the small room.

"Yeah just want to have a little talk with you about Sam."

"Is he okay?"

"He is fine. That's the point. You are going to start to see some things and I want to prepare you so you don't set him back."

"Okay…you can tell me anything."

Dean took a deep breath and went way back to the beginning of the story.

"It's a long story that starts when Sam was fifteen, vulnerable, and in pain, and it ends with the strong amazing guy in front of you that saved the world."

Mary sat down and stared up at Dean.

"Tell me everything."