Chapter Fourteen

'Have you seen Luke?' Brooke sips her tea. Eyes averting.

Peyton watches her. '...Not for a few days' She admits. 'But you already knew that' Adds because it's a rarity that she doesn't talk to the brunette on the phone every day if she doesn't see her in person.

'Right. You still haven't really talked about what happened though'

'I told you it all blew up' Peyton rubs the back of her neck. Feels the uncomfortable knots in her back as her finger tips press against the tender spot. Knots of tension and anxiety. Knots caused by the daily wracked sobs she keeps finding herself overcome by.

'Yeah, I know. You still don't wanna talk about it properly?' Brooke pushes. To a bystander she might appear intrusive but that's the last thing she'd ever want to be. Her prying comes from knowing the girl before her on a level that most do not. Knows that she's had a history of dealing with her feelings on her own or worse, dismissing them until they all become too much. Brooke isn't keen on waiting until they become too much. Knows it's better to pry. Knows it's better to force her into confronting her feelings even if they are painfully overwhelming. That and she can't bear the guilt sitting on her chest. Guilt for being the one that Lucas Scott has confided in.

The blonde exhales. '...He, he's been having these...like episodes' Peyton's eyes narrow as she watches Brooke's stare shift back to her tea yet again.

'Episodes' Brooke echoes.

Peyton too knows her best friend on a level that most do not. Sees things that perhaps most would not. '...He told you' She concludes after a beat. Brooke startles with her accusation, her gaze jerking back up, remorse filling her eyes. 'Your poker face has always been shit B. You've seen him then?' Peyton assumes.

'No I' Brooke begins to shake her head but then quickly changes tracks. 'Yes' Admits.

'Why're you being so weird?' Peyton wonders then. 'You're allowed to see him B'

'I know' She nods a little too vigorously. 'I know I am. I'm not being weird'

'No? You've barely looked at me since you got here and you're being all jittery'

'I'm not, I just...' Brooke sighs out her frustration. 'I wanted to tell you' Her voice is small. Eyes filled with regret. 'I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you' Repeats.

'...He told you before' Peyton realises she wasn't the first to learn of said episodes then. 'You knew'

Brooke grimaces as the hurt she'd been so eager to avoid causing swims in the green eyes staring at her 'I should've said something!' She blurts. 'He asked me not to P and I just, I didn't want to break that trust after he'd literally just confided in me-'

'How long?' Peyton cuts in more harshly than intended.

'I, I was coaxing him to talk to you. I promise I was, I didn't know what to do-'

'How long B?'

'Only a couple of weeks. Not long at all. He told me he's seeing a counsellor so I, I just, I should've told you' She concedes. 'I'm sorry-'

'It's ok' Peyton interjects her best friend's rambled reasoning.

'It's not ok. I know it's not ok. It's been eating me up. I'm so sorry I just didn't-'

'Brooke' Peyton cuts her off yet again. 'It is ok. I promise it's ok'

'You're not mad?'

'Of course not. Why would I be mad at you? I could never be mad at you. He needs to talk to someone cause he sure as hell doesn't want to talk to me right now. I'm glad he's speaking to you at least'

'But it, it's not about not wanting to talk to you. I really don't think it's that. It's only cause he loves you so much that he didn't tell you-'

'I'm a big girl. You don't need to feed me bullshit-'

'I'm not! I think he's just so worried that he'd hurt you. Worried that him not having a grasp on reality all of the time could put you and the girls in danger. He might be shit at vocalising that right now but god everything he's doing, how he's been with you, he's not pushing you away because he doesn't love you. It's because he loves you P'

Peyton bites on the inside of her cheek. Nods once. Her stare shifting to the window because her nose is stinging and there's a lump in the back of her throat and she really doesn't want to start crying right now because she's not sure she'll be able to stop.

'Is, is that what you meant, when you said it all blew up? Did he have an episode here the other day?'

Peyton swallows. 'Mmm...I wish I'd known he was coming over, I'd have made sure Julian wasn't here. Whatever he was coming over to talk to me about went out the window. It, it felt like he was being vulnerable and open with me for all of five seconds and then he took 100 steps back'

'I'm so sorry honey. Please try not to take it to heart. I know he just wants to protect you'

'He'd never physically hurt me. This is hurting me' Peyton wraps her arms tighter around herself.

'I know' Brooke hums, attentively placing a supportive hand on Peyton's back.

'...Do you remember me mentioning a guy called Cormack?'

'That dickhead in Luke's unit?'

'Yeah he, did Luke talk to you about him too?'

'No' Brooke shakes her head. 'No' Repeats in response to the blonde's suspicious gaze.

'He, he was with him'

'Like held captive too?'

'Yeah I, at least in part. I don't know for how long'

'What, what happened to him?'

'I don't even know. Everything he told me was so disjointed but it seems like he'd been implying to Luke that he'd' She turns her nose up in disgust. 'been with me'

'Been with you' Brooke echos, brow furrowing 'Like, like an affair?'

Peyton scrapes her hand through her hair. 'He, it was like he was here one moment and the next he lost it with Julian but he, I know he wasn't seeing Julian. I think he was seeing Cormack and he, he kept saying he knew what he'd done to me' Peyton relays. 'After he, he came back to reality he asked me if Cormack ever touched me' She shakes her head. 'I don't know if he believed me. I've never, ever felt like he's doubted my word before but he, he's just so...' She sighs. 'I can't believe he had to deal with someone that was meant to be his comrade, torturing him with mind games on top of what he was already going through'

'Christ' Brooke exhales.

'I just, he was so...' She swallows. '...he was so frenzied and...I might not have been with Cormack but he did come home to find that I've been with Julian' She mumbles, bottom lip wobbling.

'Not the same' Brooke is quick to shut down. 'It's not the same'

'Isn't it?'

'No P. You know it's not. Luke would've known you'd never have been having an affair so if anything had ever happened with Cormack it would have been non-consensual. Of course any possibility of that would've tortured him. You being with Julian, that's not an affair. You thought he was dead' Brooke repeats the facts she knows her best friend is already versed in. Regardless she seemingly needs to be reassured of said facts.

'Hales wouldn't agree' Peyton mutters.

'She was so out of line that day. She was grieving. We all do it in different ways. She's said sorry a million times since'

'I know...I'm sure she wants to yell told you so at me right now though...I just want him to speak to me B' Whispers. 'If I'd had someone feeding me all this crap day in day out I, I mean I'm sure you'd naturally start to buy into it and I, how couldn't you start to feel things toward the implicated regardless of whether it were true or not?'

'He'd only ever feel love towards you P. He wouldn't have ever bought into you having an affair'

'Maybe not then but maybe cause of Julian he is buying into the possibility of everything he was told. Maybe he thinks everything Cormack said was true'

'P I promise you that's so not true. Julian and this baby aren't why he's keeping his distance right now. He's keeping his distance because he doesn't want to find himself hallucinating in your presence. He doesn't want to put you or the girls in danger' She reiterates again. 'Please tell me you know that'

'...I, I, god I hate that I'm making this all about me-'

'You're not-'

'Aren't I? I, I just feel so guilty and I, I can't make it stop...I just want to, he needs me right now. I know he needs me and yet I'm the last person he wants and I just, I, I want so badly to help him but how can I help him when he won't speak to me? And, and one minute I'm mad at him and then I, how can I possibly blame him for wanting nothing to do with me right now?'

'It'll get easier. Him talking to this counsellor, it's a huge step in the right direction'

Peyton pushes her tongue to the roof of her mouth. Nods. 'Can...can you keep trying to talk to him?' Brooke opens and closes her mouth. 'I, I want it to be me but if he can talk to you then...'

'I don't want to be in the middle of you both-'

'I won't ask you to tell me anything he confides in you. I promise. You won't be in the middle of us. He needs people he trusts around him, I don't want him to ever feel alone'

'It's not like he's suddenly talking to me, it was one time and like 20 minutes. He's going to be talking to you in no time'

'I know' Peyton nods despite the uncertainty swimming in her eyes. 'But until then...'

Brooke hesitates. Feels in the middle completely despite her best friend's declarations. '...I'll do whatever you want me to. Always. But you can always ask me to stop. I don't want you to ever, ever feel like I'm, like...' She sighs. 'I just, I know how difficult this all is on you P. I don't want you feeling like there could ever be anything other than friendship between-'

'Of course I don't, won't. I'm not worried about that. I could never be concerned about that'

'I know you're not but I just, I know how vulnerable you're feeling with everything right now. I don't want to give you any other reason to feel pushed away. I'd never, never-'

'B you don't need to say that. We're not in some weird high school love triangle. Or are you trying to tell me something?' She tries her hand at jesting.

'God no. It was never a triangle P. It was always you two. I was just too dumb to see at-'

'You know I hate it when you make out that whole stupid situation was your fault. I was the bitch that went behind your back'

Brooke smirks then. 'Why're we talking about ancient history P?'

'You started it'

'Did I? It's so weird to me now that that ever happened' She wrinkles her nose up. 'He's like a brother' Shudders. 'It weirds me out and makes me feel slightly sick' A weary smile touches Peyton's lips. 'Honey?' Brooke rubs the blondes back. Doesn't miss the pensive look on her friend's face. 'What is it'

'Nothing. I just feel like looking at me right now makes him feel sick'

'It's not true P, that could never be true. Never'

•••

This is the end. He's sure of it. They lied. They say your life flashes before your eyes. He's not seeing any such visions. No clarity or peace for that matter. Just fury. Because he can see them. It's like he's hovering above them, looking down on them in their backyard. Sawyer laughing. Harper's toothless grin, her chubby hands reaching at her mother. Her mother. His wife. Peyton. He can see them but they're all cruelly out of reach. His lips press into the dirt as the smallest of smiles curls his lips despite his anguish. How could he not. It's his family after all.

'Get up'

He disregards the voice. Wants to remain looking down at the vision of his family. Keeps his eyes clenched shut.

'Get up'

But that voice is familiar and his intrigue gets the better of him.

He opens one eye. She's there. Here. He blinks. Expects her to disappear. She doesn't.

'Get up'

His mouth is like sandpaper. 'Peyton' Her name is a gruff husk. Barely audible as it tries to break free from his cracked lips.

She's all in white. He wonders if it's happened. He's dead. This is heaven. There's an unworldly glow surrounding her svelte form. Her skin is almost sparkling.

'You need to get up now' She's nearer. Crouches down. 'Baby you need to get up. You need to come home to me. You promised Lucas Scott. Get up'

'Can't' Just breathing hurts. This can't be heaven. Can't be because god does everything hurt.

'Yes you can. Don't leave me. Fight for me. Get up'

His fingers flex, nails dig into the sandy soil as he attempts to lift his hand. Attempts to touch her. Blinks. And just like that she's gone.

'No. Come back' He doesn't care that she wasn't real. Wants the ethereal vision of her back. Would quite happily slip away with her.

But it wasn't her. She's not here. She's far away and he promised her he'd come back. The only way he gets her is by getting up. Is by fighting to live.

•••

Peyton shifts a sleeping Harper on her hip as she attempts to pick up a second bag with her free hand, struggling with the task at hand.

Nathan lightly places his hand on Julian's arm to stop him getting up to assist her. 'Let him' He exhales. 'Please' Adds after a beat. He doesn't want to get in the middle but how can he not when it involves those he holds dear to his heart. When it involves his family.

Julian hesitates, eyes flittering to the man in question. Sees what Nathan does. Sees Lucas fixated on mother and daughter. Sees indecision have him rocking on the balls of his feet.

'If you give him the chance he'll step up to the plate man' Nathan's eyes remain on his brother. 'I know you're in love with her and the kids and she's pregnant with your baby and I, I like you' His stare shifts to Julian then. 'Really I do and I appreciate everything you've done for them, for all of us, and if I thought her feelings had changed I'd, I'd accept that but she's my sister-in-law. I know her. And he's my brother. This was his family first. Will always be his' He hadn't intended to give this speech. Isn't quite sure what's compelled him to do so now; knows come later he'll feel as though he's overstepped the mark but he can't keep his mouth shut. Has done well to do so until now. He can't keep his mouth shut when Lucas seems to be struggling to communicate as he normally would. Will always stand up for him when he can't for himself. It's his daughter's 5th Birthday and instead of enjoying the tea party with family and friends he's been consumed in watching his brother and sister-in-law doing the ridiculous dance they've been doing all afternoon. Quite frankly he wants to lock them in a room together. He's also baffled by the attendance of the man beside him. He'd been invited sure, invited before. Invited when his brother had been dead. 'I know he's not exactly proven to you that he's capable of being the man she deserves but he is Julian. He's getting the help he needs. He's been through hell. He's due a chance'

Julian is silent for a moment. Digests Nathan's words. '...he's made it clear he doesn't want to be with her. He told me I should be with her' he eventually murmurs.

Nathan swallows. Somehow isn't shocked by this revelation. Julian's last mumble however is disconcerting at best. He's come to know the man before him on a level that has him confident that his words are out of character. That being said he's trying his best to overlook them because lord knows they've all found themselves in an unfathomable situation. It's enough to make the most level headed lose their moral compass. 'And she doesn't get a say in that?' He wonders quietly but he can't disguise his incredulous tone.

'She's confused-'

'Come on man. Don't do that. Don't decide how she feels for her. You're not that guy. I know this is hard but you're in denial if you think for a second she can be worn down' He shakes his head.

'That's not what I meant. I just, I know she can't just turn off what we have. It doesn't work like that'

'No it doesn't and I know she cares about you but what you had, that's not real. I'm not trying to hurt you right now but you've not even met her man' Nathan emphasises.

'What?' Julian frowns.

'I don't think you've really got to see the real Peyton over the time you've spent together if there's a single part of you that really thinks she'll give up on him' Nathan frankly declares. 'You've seen her in the folds of grief-'

'I still know her-'

'A version of her, sure. The day he was announced dead a part of her died though. And that part of her was reawakened the day he came back. She's a firecracker Julian' He turns to properly face Julian then. 'She can be loud but she only lets a select few see that part of her. Her imagination is off the charts. When something really tickles her, god that cackle is deafening. I know the person I'm describing is not anything like the one you've come to know'

'I don't see her as some meek and vulnerable thing Nate' He juts his chin out indignantly.

'I know, I know you don't but she has been that largely. And angry, a whole lot of angry...Nothing Luke has said since he's come home has been that of his normal sound mind. Can you blame him for struggling? I guarantee when he's back on stable ground he'll not be keeping his distance for a second more because god those two have been in love since they were kids. I'm not trying to be harsh here man but if you think you have a shot at winning her over you're mistaken. You don't have a chance. She's his. He's hers. Despite everything he's dealing with I know his need to keep her at arms length is about him thinking he's undeserving of her and he's also convinced himself it's not safe for her to be around him-'

'Not safe is an understatement' Julian utters. 'You weren't there the other week-'

'I, I know' Nathan cuts in. 'I wasn't there. But doesn't it speak volumes to you? He needs her right now. He desperately needs her but he's forcing himself to stay away to protect her even though she's always been the one he relies on to help him through anything...I, I get that you, you have a kid coming into this world but I, if you want to be apart of that child's life I, I think you should consider just stepping away before she cuts you off completely'

•••

'Do you want some help?'

Peyton glances up at him, is both relieved and hurt by his question. Relieved because she really does need another pair of hands right now. Needs him. Hurt because him asking such a question feels foreign. There was a time when he would've wordlessly assisted her because he's always been her partner when it comes to their children. Doesn't need to ask. Only they've not been partners in this in a long time.

'Thank you' She dismisses her anguish over his question and instead concentrates on the fact that him asking is surely nothing but some form of headway, however slight. It sure beats him standing as far away as possible from her. She eagerly transfers a sleeping Harper to him.

The little girl grumbles as she leaves the safety of her mother's arms but soon settles her head on her father's shoulder. He relishes in it. In the way her little hand drapes lazily over his shoulder. In the way her legs curl around him. He's not fooled that this is an embrace, knows she's asleep, knows it can't be misconstrued as affection but he savours it nonetheless. His relationship with his youngest daughter can't even be described as fractured. She'd once known his smell, had been settled by his presence, had been lulled to sleep by his voice, but those memories are his, not hers. He's sure she still sees him as a mere stranger that has come back to disrupt her life. Is sure she craves the other man she's been calling daddy. Not him.

'Shall I call Sawyer?' He wonders as she successfully slings the bag she'd been struggling with prior to his assistance over her shoulder.

'I'll grab her after Harper's in the car. She'll only wake her up if we drag her away now' She leads the way down the side of the house, ignores the sets of eyes she knows are no doubt following them. Has felt them all piercing into her all afternoon. Has tried her hardest to focus on the children, on her niece, on the celebration at hand but god it was hard. 'God she get's messy huh?' She comments on their snoozing child. Now that Harper is in Lucas's arms she can better see the three year old's grubby face.

'It's in her genes' Lucas murmurs.

'Who's genes are you proposing she's inherited that from exactly?' Peyton cocks her head to the side, eyes narrowed but amusement curling her lips.

He keeps his stare on the uneven path before them. Had once felt like there was no safer place for his children to be than in his arms because god he'd do anything and everything to protect them. Only suddenly his arms don't feel like such a sanctuary. Anxiety is addling. Makes him doubt every step. 'You have chocolate round your mouth' He states. Has to focus on her before his limbs give way. Her presence, her voice is necessary in keeping him grounded.

Her smile falters then. Fingers darting to her mouth and circling her lips. 'Since when?'

'Since the last half hour' He glances at her. Sees something reminiscent of embarrassment flit across her features. It reminds him of a time before children and marriage. It reminds him of the early days of their relationship. A fleeting window of time when they were getting to know one another, both self conscious and eager to impress.

'Is it gone?' They've reached the car now.

He smirks. 'Nope' She pouts. The hand that's been resting on Harper's back reaches out; he rubs his thumb over the corner of her mouth with little thought. 'There' He catches her stare. Her eyes wide. He knows that look. His gaze flits back to their daughter abruptly. Can't get lured into those green orbs.

She blinks. Opens the car door. He ever so carefully transfers the child into her seat. Hesitates with the belts. He's not use to this car seat. Doesn't want to wake the little girl with his floundering. He sidesteps out the way and allows Peyton to snap her belts into place with ease.

'Thank you' She murmurs as she quietly shuts the door. He shakes his head. Unsaid words hang in the air between them. 'I'm sorry' She blurts.

'Sorry?'

'I didn't know he was coming, I don't know why he's here. I didn't, we didn't come together, we're not here together' Emphasises.

His head swivels side to side. To say he'd not wondered such would be a lie but he dismisses her apology nonetheless; Julian's presence is welcome. Well so he keeps telling himself and his family.

'She's tired huh?' He attempts to change the subject.

'She's started skipping her nap but on busy days it seems to catch up with her'

'Right, that wasn't fun with Sawyer' He recalls. They'd been an efficient team in getting their eldest daughter through that transition.

'No' She agrees. It hadn't been. 'Harper is a whole different can of worms. She could win an Oscar with some of her tantrums'

A knot forms in his chest '...I'm sorry' Squints at her. Doesn't know what to say, what he can say or do to make it better. Wants to be there. Wants to help. Wants to make things easier on her. Wants to soothe their daughter during said Oscar winning temper tantrums. Wants to parent her. Wants to parent her with the woman before him. 'Is Julian helping?' He hopes at least some of the burden of parenting is being distributed between her and said man.

Her eyes are wide. 'Of course not, he's not been to the house once. Nothing is going on Luke' She emphasises. She'll say it again and again. As many times as necessary.

'You can't do everything by yourself'

'Well I have to don't I?' She incredulously answers. She's not alone. Not by any means. Her family are all stood by her. Helping hands anytime she needs. She'd not wanted to need them but she'd learnt in his absence how to ask to for help. Only he's not absent now and suddenly any help she's offered doesn't seem adequate. How could it be?

'Why did you make him move out? You didn't have to do that'

'Yes. I did' She feels that frustration and anger coiling round her. Reminds herself to breathe so she doesn't combust but it's hard. Hard to fathom his logic. Especially when she's always understood this person so effortlessly. Understood his thought process. Understood because she knows him like no other. Years together, of growing a life together, ultimately becoming one in their decision making process. 'How have you been?' She blurts. Needs to change the subject because this line of enquiry is doing nothing to aid her tortured heart.

'Good' He nods. 'Well' Shrugs. 'Good and bad days'

She bites the inside of her cheek. '...Your Mum said you've been getting some pain in your side'

'I'm good. Talking to Mum about me are you?'

'I don't have a choice when I'm not allowed to see you do I?'

'You're seeing me right now' He counters.

'And you're happy about that are you?' She pries.

'Of course I am' She presses her lips together as she ponders his swift answer, doubt swimming in her eyes. 'You're looking so well'

She swallows. Looks down at her belly. It's become harder to disguise in the last week, protruding against the fabric of her loosely fitted shirt. Swallows again. Her emotions are giving her whiplash. Yo-yoing between anger and despair and guilt. '...I'm sorry'

'Sorry' He echoes, brow arching in question.

She shakes her head. 'I wasn't going to come-'

'Why wouldn't you come to your niece's 5th Birthday?'

'I don't want you having to see me like this anymore than you do-'

'Peyton-' He tries to cut in.

'No. Don't tell me it's ok' Her hands flap before her. 'It's, it's bad enough you knowing let alone you seeing it happening in front of you' Her words waver as emotion gets the better of her.

He rises up to his full height. 'You know I think you look beautiful like this-'

'When you're the one that's done it to me!' She breathes out, her words catching in the back of her throat.

He draws her into an embrace then. Closes his eyes as he pushes the image she's just painted from his mind. 'I've told you I don't hold this against you' Her arms link around him as she dissolves into him. Desperately craves this. Him. Comforting her. 'You're so tired and overwhelmed right now' He hums into her ear. She's silent. Knows speaking will end this embrace. Isn't ready for it to end. 'I'm sure the 3rd trimester will get easier like it did with the other two-'

'Can, can we maybe just have dinner or something? Just you and me?' She looks up at him hopefully. Watches him falter. '...sorry' Shakes her head as she starts to backtrack. 'I just-'

'It's not, I'd just never forgive myself if I hurt you' He interjects because he sees the hurt swimming in her eyes. Sees her making conclusions; the wrong conclusions.

Her head shakes more fiercely now. 'But you'd never hurt me!'

'You saw what I-'

'That was about protecting me! You'd never hurt me. Even if you don't believe that it doesn't matter because I know you'd never hurt me-'

'You don't know that' He disputes. 'I still keep seeing things that aren't real ok? I'd never intentionally hurt you but you don't know that I'm not capable of accidentally doing so. I shouldn't even be out here with you alone right now' He takes a little step back.

'Don't do that' She shadows him. 'I'm giving my consent! I don't care-'

'I care-'

'I want to be there for you right now-'

'You are-'

'I'm literally being kept at arms length Luke' She wavers her hands to demonstrate the gap he's just put between them. 'And I know it, this must be horrendous for you cause fuck it's horrendous for me. I know it's ten times worse for you and I, I've been giving you space but when, when, is this what it's going to be like from now on? Us at family gatherings standing on opposite sides of a bloody garden?'

'I've already hurt you so much-'

'This' Her hands flap at the despising space between them. 'This is hurting me, this is hurting me more than anything!'

'I, it's for the best right now. You have to think about this baby. You've already been through so much bloody stress with this pregnancy. And I, the girls, I don't want them ever seeing me like I was at your house the other week'

'My house' she looks up to the sky in an attempt to stop her eyes from overflowing. Hates how that sounds. Wants it to be theirs. Ours. We. Purses her lips together yet again and shakes her head.

'I can only be around them and you supervised right now. You know that's the right thing'

Her eyes jerk back to him then. 'Supervised around your wife' Disbelief laces her words. 'You won't even see me supervised! I'd take supervised. You can't even pick up the fucking phone' She spouts. Is quick to regret letting her anger spark. 'I'm sorry' Follows.

'You don't need to be sorry. You're angry. You're allowed to be angry at me'

'I'm not angry at you. I'm, I'm frustrated' She corrects. 'And angry' She concedes. 'Not at you, at me! I just, I want to help you, I want us to just...be us and I, god I know I can't expect, that I've, I know I've, I get that you're having to come to terms with' her hands indicate to her belly. Frowns as she struggles to string a sentence together. 'But it, it's like you don't even, like you don't want to even...don't you think we could come back from this? That you could work towards forgiving me?'

'There's nothing to forgive. I'm just trying to focus on day to day right now. The future is...it's, I, I'm not in the mindset to think about the future right now'

Her nostrils flare. Her mind is racing. On the one hand she understands the future being daunting given the trauma he's been through but she's also mad. Mad because she's spent months navigating a future she'd not signed up for. A future that didn't include him. Forcing one foot in front of the other for her children's sake even though giving up on the world seemed like her only possibility. Like the best choice for everyone. There'd been days when she'd convinced herself their girls would be better off without her. She'd fought with every fibre in her being to not give into the darkness that encompassed her. Doesn't want to be shrouded in darkness once more. They've got a do over and whilst the prospect of still not having a future with him when he's within reach is like a knife to her heart, her anxiety also has her concerned that he means something else entirely. 'Are you, you're talking to your counsellor about how you're feeling right? I know you don't want to talk to me but you'll talk to them won't you? If you have thoughts about, you'll contact them before you...' She swallows.

'Peyton I'm not going to kill myself'

She takes a shuddering breath. She'd said something along the same lines to Brooke some months ago. She'd not meant it. In that moment couldn't mean it. Had said what the brunette needed to hear. Is scared he's telling her what she needs to hear. She knows what it feels like, being lured away from the living. To get caught up in the compelling arguments she'd play out in her mind. In the paranoia. In the belief that she was no good, incapable, that she simply couldn't be here without him. That she couldn't be the mother her children needed. That they'd be better off with more suitable family members. Her children had been the night light in the dark though. A flickering light that grew bigger over the months. Bought her back from the tight rope she'd been teetering on. Found the strength to carry on. Saw what she'd been incapable of seeing for days; saw how much her babies needed her. Was blindsided by how she could've ever considered leaving them. Yet more guilt that sat heavily on her shoulders to this day '...Luke I...' She hesitates. Won't tell him how she knows how it feels to not want to be here. Not right now. Her face contorts and she shakes her head despairingly. Wonders what Brooke could've said to change how she'd felt back then. Isn't sure that any words could've changed a single thing. 'I can't-'

'I promise' He cuts in.

'I'm sorry' She's back to frowning. She's irritated with herself. Wants to be strong. Wants to be that for him. Wants to convince him that he can lean on her. Need her. Wants to be everything she's not been in the last few minutes. Wants this to be entirely about him. Not her.

'You don't need to keep saying that'

'I keep making everything about me'

'No you're not'

'I'm just hormonal'

'Don't do that. Your feelings are valid. Don't blame them on hormones'

'Every time you see me I'm a mess!' A small smile curls his lips then. 'It's not funny'

'Kinda. You're not. I think if anyone is going to win that label I'm the number one contender no? Dead guy walking and all that'

Despite her distress a wane smile touches her lips. 'Mm. Comedian now are you?'

'There was a time I could make you cackle like a witch' He reminisces.

'You still could, we can be that again Luke.' She nods her head manically. He thinks she looks likes one of those dashboard bobbleheads. He doesn't know who she's trying to convince more. Him or herself. 'I promise we'll be that again'