The scene opens with a shot of Imp City that slowly zooms in on the I.M.P building. The sound of the busy streets can be heard in the background. The scene transitions to a closed door labeled "IMP Headquarters", with a crude sign made from a sheet of notebook paper that reads, "Meeting in progress" with a smiley face drawn next to it. The light flickers as the camera zooms in on the door. Inside, Blitzo is walking in front of a whiteboard on the wall as he lectures his employees.
Blitzo: Alright. Now, I know business has been... a bit slow lately, yes. It's no one's fault, okay? I'm not naming any names here... *looks at Moxxie* … Moxxie.
Moxxie gives him a "WTF" look in response, and it cuts to a shot from behind Blitzo that shows Moxxie, Millie, and Lincoln on his right, and Loona, who is boredly looking at her phone, on his left.
Blitzo: Now, does anyone have... any bright ideas on how we can get business drummin' up again?
Millie: *eyes sparkling* What about a car wash?
Lincoln: I don't think anyone cares about cars being clean in Hell, Mom.
Blitzo: Listen to your son, Millie. *thinks for a second* Wh- Ooh! What about a billboard?
He waves his hands with an enthusiastic flair as sparkles fly out.
Moxxie: *rolls eyes* We can't afford a billboard, sir.
Blitzo: *wraps his arm over Moxxie's shoulder* Helpful, Moxxie. Really glad you're in the room right now. *pushes Moxxie away* Have you guys forgotten what service we provide?
Blitzo turns on a TV that shows the I.M.P. crew brutally murdering people from the overworld as they are paid to do. Blitzo whacks a man in the face with a mallet, Moxxie is blown away firing a shotgun through the mouth of a man tied to a chair, Loona swings a man back and forth in her mouth, Lincoln drives his claws through a man's chest and rips out his heart, and Millie decapitates someone with a harpoon and laughs. Then, it zooms out to everyone watching the TV, with Loona, Millie, and Blitzo eating popcorn. Lincoln helps Moxxie up.
Blitzo: Ahh, those were the good times.
Moxxie: I don't need any reminding, sir. Considering you blew most of our salaries on an obnoxious TV ad last week.
Lincoln: Not to mention you then additionally paid to have it run for a full three hours on a channel that nobody watches.
Blitzo: Uh, hey. Excuse me? What's "obnoxious" about a super-fun jingle, alright? It's a fun distraction when an advertisement's spittin' bullshit!
Millie: People love musicals, sir.
Blitzo: Exactly, Millie! And we're basically doin' a musical. *does jazz hands* Are you gonna crush my musical theater dreams like my dad did?
Moxxie: Sir-
Blitzo: 'Cause, right now? All I see is just my dad's asshole talking to me! Crushing my dreams of being who I truly am inside.
Millie: Are you tryin' to crush his dreams, Moxxie?
Moxxie: I- *looks at her* What?
Millie: *flirtatiously* I thought I knew you.
She playfully sticks her tongue out at him as Moxxie blushes and rolls his eyes affectionately.
Blitzo: I can't believe you, Moxxie!
He tearfully holds up an employee of the month plaque with Moxxie's picture on it.
Blitzo: After I made you employee of the month!
Moxxie: *defeated* Okay, sir! I'm sorry; a commercial jingle is not comparable to musical theater. Nobody actually likes the jingles!
Millie: I liked it.
Moxxie: Do not- *points at Millie* Do not agree with him in front of me!
The scene cuts to the I.M.P. commercial.
Blitzo: Hi, there! I'm Blitzo! The "o" is silent, and I'm the founder of I.M.P.!
He gestures to the logo as it appears on screen, then disappears.
Two pictures of Blitzo in different scenarios show while he speaks. The first shows him wearing two top hats through his horns, a monocle, and twiddling a fake mustache, while standing outside of a burning building with a sign that reads "Orphanage for Elderly Blind Newborn Dogs" appears.
Blitzo: Are you a piece of shit that got yourself sent to Hell?
The photo changes to show Blitzo wearing an angel costume at a coffeehouse happily throwing an empty coffee cup in a trash can, instead of the recycling bin right next to it.
Blitzo: Or are you an innocent soul who got FUCKED over by someone else?!
The commercial cuts to a demon guy wearing an Ohio sports jersey, giving a testimonial, while Blitzo holds a cardboard sign in frame that reads "Some guy who hired us!"
Demon Guy: After lovingly killing my wife for *in demonic voice* fucking a deliveryman, *normal voice* you can imagine my surprise when I wound up here, after the state of Ohio killed me! I really wish I could stick it to that *in demonic voice* yappy jogger *normal voice* who saw me hiding the body!
Blitzo is speaking to the camera and holding a grimoire, while Moxxie, Millie, and Lincoln are arranging lit candles on the floor in a pentagram.
Blitzo: Well, luckily for you, thanks to our company's special access to the living world, *his eyes narrow as he does a magical gesture with his left hand and a flaming portal appears on the floor, while Moxxie, Millie, and Lincoln are blown out of shot, and he walks up to the portal* we can help you take care of your unfinished business by taking out anyone who screwed you over when you were alive! *falls backwards into the portal*
The scene transitions to a person with their arms crossed and a thought bubble appears depicting another person being crossed out as the commercial jingle plays in the background.
Singer: When you want somebody gone,
A dead body falls near the person as they notice and look up.
Singer: and you don't want to wait too long
Moxxie, Blitzo, Lincoln, and Millie are shown in a circle logo. Blitzo and Lincoln hold their arms out as Moxxie holds up his rifle and Millie holds up her spear. A letter "I" appears to the left of them, while a letter "P" appears on the right of them. The four together form a letter "M", thus spelling the initials I.M.P.
Singer: Call the Immediate Murder Professionals!
Blitzo, Moxxie, Millie and Lincolnare inside of their building and Moxxie throws a grenade out the window. The quartet covers where their ears would be as an explosion goes off. A severed arm goes flying.
Singer: Hand grenade or cyanide,
Blitzo is shown hanging someone with a rope as Millie finishes writing a suicide note.
Singer: We'll make it look like suicide
Blitzo is shown electrocuting someone, Millie is shown hitting someone on the head with a mace, and Moxxie is shown stabbing someone that Lincoln is holding in a Full Nelson.
Singer: The Immediate Murder Professionals!
The I.M.P. logo spins around quickly as the scene transitions to Blitzo creating a portal to the living world in a wall, then jumping through it. He is followed by Millie, Lincoln and then Moxxie, who trips over the grimoire and falls into the portal.
Singer: We do our job so well,
The quartet come up through the other end of the portal and adjust themselves.
Singer: Because, we come straight out from Hell!
The I.M.P. quartet suddenly look shocked as it appears they have accidentally teleported to a church in the middle of a service. A female preacher and the congregation look back at the demons in confusion and/or fear. One bearded man, however, has his head laid back as he sleeps with earbuds in.
Millie is shown struggling to remove a knife from a naked couple who are in 69 position, while Moxxie tries to look away, and Blitzo examines a pair of panties, much to Lincoln's disgust.
Singer: We'll kill your husband or your wife
Blitzo stabs someone tied to a chair repeatedly in the head while sporting a goofy expression.
Singer: We'll even let you keep the knife
A quick sequence then shows the quartet assassinating their targets in numerous horrific ways, such as with a medieval torture chamber, riding a shark, burning someone alive, suffocating someone with a pillow, playing on a grand piano after it crushed someone, and using an electric chair. In the final scene, the quartet are hiding in a bush in a park and Moxxie is about to shoot a blonde woman looking at her phone from behind.]
Singer: We're the Immediaaaaate... Murderrrrrr... Profession-
Moxxie accidentally shoots a boy passing by, eating an ice cream cone.
Eddie: AUUUGH!
The boy collapses as Moxxie looks on in shock. Blitzo and Millie turn their eyes to Moxxie in surprise as Lincoln grimaces.
Cuts to a hospital operating room. The boy is wheeled in on a hospital bed by a doctor, a pink-haired nurse, and a blue-haired nurse.
Pink-haired Nurse: in masculine voice Doctor, he's not responding!
Blue-haired Nurse: Cool water, stat!
The pink-haired nurse whacks the boy in the face with a bucket of water, doing nothing but leaving a large welt on his face.
Blue-haired Nurse: It didn't do anything!
The boy's tongue flops down from his mouth.
Doctor: Dammit! I'm not losing another one.
Everyone has their defibrillator paddles over the boy.
Doctor: CLEAR!
They all zap the boy and he wakes up with a gasp.
Doctor: … Holy shit, it actually worked!
Blitzo, Millie, Moxxie, and Lincoln are waiting outside the boy's hospital room. Blitzo is reading a magazine, while Millie and Lincoln comfort Moxxie, who looks devastated. The doctor comes out of the room with a clipboard.
Doctor: He appears to be in stable condition, but he'll need surgery. *looks up from clipboard* Now, what insurance provider do you freaks have?
Blitzo: … The fuck is insurance?
A shot of the outside of the hospital is shown, as a window breaks and the boy's hospital bed flies out. The boy is unconscious in the bed, while Millie, Moxxie, Blitzo and Lincoln are holding on for dear life as they plummet screaming to the ground. The bed is stopped by a rope that has become tangled around Blitzo's foot. Blitzo slams his face into the bed, the rope snaps, and they all continue to fall.
A still shot of the I.M.P. logo is shown.
Singer: Kids die for freeeeeee!
The scene cuts back to the boardroom. Lincoln, Millie, and Moxxie are sitting across from Loona, who has her feet up and is watching a video on her phone of Moxxie getting hurt.
Lincoln: Y'know, that wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for Loona. You were supposed to give us info on the right target, and you fucked it up.
Loona: *not looking up* Oh, sit on a dick, Lincoln.
Lincoln: I would, but I don't swing that way. *smirks* Plus, you've already got more than half of Hell's dicks up your backside. *Loona growls at him*
Blitzo: Hey, now. We don't blame our screw-ups on Loona, okay?!
Blitzo hugs and nuzzles Loona, who snarls at him in response.
Blitzo: She didn't do anything wrooooong~
Lincoln: … Are you drunk or high?! She's AWFUL!
The scene cuts to a flashback of Loona at her desk, reading a magazine called "Hellhound Monthly". Her desk phone rings with the sound of a cute puppy barking as the ringtone. Loona answers.
Loona: *not looking up* Hello, I.M.P.
Millie: *on phone, panicked* Loona, I got stabbed! Call Mox-
Loona suddenly hangs up, disinterested in the conversation. The phone rings again, much to her annoyance.
Loona: Ugh. Will you- *a small portal appears over the phone and Lincoln's hand shoots out, grabbing her throat and making her let out a choking gag*
Loona's head then gets slammed onto the desk, and Lincoln's hand then retreats back into the portal as the phone falls from her hand.
Lincoln: *on the phone, his angry voice makes it shudder* CALL MY DAD, YOU LAZYASS!
Loona: *holding her head, annoyed* ALRIGHT, FINE! FUCKING DICKHEAD!
Lincoln: *on the phone* USELESS BITCH!
Next, she is in Blitzo's office as he presents her with a gift.
Blitzo: Happy Adoption Anniversary, Loonie! *Loona looks at him* I got you a little somethin'.
Loona: Is it a cure for syphilis?
Blitzo: I... Oh...
Loona: THEN, I DON'T WANT IT!
Loona snatches the present and angrily slams it on the floor. A large swarm of spiders suddenly emerge from the present box and swarm Loona up to her neck.
Loona: UGHHH!
Blitzo: *suddenly hiding outside of the office window* I'm sorry! It was spiders!
Loona: *annoyed, deadpan* Goddammit.
Loona is then shown at her desk, watching an online video of Charlie Morningstar performing "Inside of Every Demon is a Rainbow". Moxxie approaches her with a flyer for "Chub B Gone".
Moxxie: Um, e- excuse me. Did you just fax me an ad for weight loss?
Loona: No.
Moxxie: Wha- Why- Why would anyone send me this?
Loona: C'mon... *looks up at Moxxie* You know w- *a dagger zips by her face and shuts her up*
The dagger nails through a dead potted plant before digging deep into the wall.
Lincoln: *growling off-screen* You better hope YOUR fat ass isn't good for target practice, Loona!
The next scene shows Loona rummaging through the break room fridge.
Loona: Whoever left the fucking... avocado salad in the fridge, I'm taking it, because I have the worst hangover right now!
Loona turns around to face Millie with a red box in hand as she shuts the fridge door with her foot. She rips off the lid and drinks the salad.
Millie: Why would you drink on a work night?
Loona: *stops drinking* I'm hungover from this morning, dumbass!
Moxxie enters the room and notices Loona with his box.
Moxxie: Isn't that my lunch?
Loona: *drops the box on the floor* Y'know what?! I can't take this assault right now! I need to blow off some-
She kicks the box at Moxxie, knocking him out of the room and surprising Millie.
Loona: -fucking steam!
Loona runs out of the break room and out into the street.
Loona: AAAAAAAAAAH!
Loona runs up to a succubus lady passing by on the other side of the street, pushing her baby in a stroller. Loona kicks the stroller high into the air and storms off, while the demon lady stands there in disbelief. A second later, Lincoln lands nearby holding the demon baby and the busted stroller.
Lincoln: *hands the demon lady her baby* I am so sorry about her. She's just a bitch.
The scene transitions to Loona at her desk, telling Blitzo about a caller.
Loona: Bliiiitzo! That clingy, rich asshole is on the phone! Says it's urgent and wants to talk to you! Sounds a little DTF-y.
Cut to Blitzo, Moxxie, and Lincoln standing by a water cooler.
Blitzo: *throws his cup of water on the floor* Oh, GOD, it was one time! *crosses arms* If I hadn't slept with that privileged asshole, none of us would have access to the living world.
Moxxie and Lincoln: *stare in stunned silence* ...You what?
The scene cuts to a flashback of Stolas sleeping naked in bed. He is hooting like an owl and there are feathers everywhere. Blitzo, who is partially nude, walks away quietly with the grimoire in hand.
Blitzo: *to himself* Got the booook, got the booook! Got this fuckin' heavy book!
Blitzo reaches Stolas' balcony and lays the grimoire on the ledge. Grunting, he attempts to step up on the ledge using the grimoire. Instead, the combined weight sends both him and the grimoire falling forward off of the balcony.
Blitzo: Oh- Oh, SHIT!
Blitzo lands on the cake that Stolas' wife and her friends are having, splattering pieces of it all over them.
Blitzo: Oof! *to Stella* Sorry, I fucked your husband.
The scene cuts back to Loona at her desk.
Loona: BLIIIITZO!
Blitzo: I HEARD YOU ALREA-!
The scene cuts to Blitzo in his office, talking with Stolas, and playing with a bobblehead of Moxxie.
Blitzo: Sooooo, what can I do you for this time, Stolas?
Stolas is shown talking on his phone from a fancy mansion.
Stolas: There's a political candidate causing trouble up on Earth for a few of my associates. He's trying to convince people global warming exists!
Blitzo: Doesn't it?
Stolas: Well... yes. But, more people die if nothing is done about it. And it gets lonely here~
Blitzo: Okay, well. Yeah, that makes sense.
Stolas: *through the phone* You know what happens when I'm lonely, Blitzy?
Blitzo pulls his phone away and talks to himself.
Blitzo: *under his breath* God-fuckin'-dammit.
Stolas: When I'm lonely, I become hungry. And when I become hungry, I want to choke on that red (BEEP) of yours... (BEEP) your (BEEP) and lick all of your (BEEP), before taking out your (BEEP), and (BEEP) with more teeth until you're screaming (BEEEEEEEP) like a FUCKING baby-!
Blitzo, who's visibly disturbed, hangs up. He snaps his cellphone in half, smashes it with his desk phone, tosses said desk phone away, pulls out a blender, puts the cellphone pieces in it, and blends them. Blitzo turns and hands the blender to Loona, who was standing nearby.
Blitzo: Eat this!
Loona drinks the blended cellphone mixture.
Blitzo: And then y'know that bridge over the freeway?
Loona: Yeah?
Blitzo: Shit off it!
The flashback ends, and Blitzo is standing by Loona.
Blitzo: Look, the point is, Loona is a valued member of our family, and we don't get rid of family.
Loona looks up from her phone and briefly smiles, touched by Blitzo's words.
Moxxie: We aren't a family, sir! You are the boss! We are the employees! You treat her like she's some troubled teenager! She's more like a meth-addicted homeless woman you let man the phones!
As Moxxie rants, Loona continues looking at her phone, slowly flipping Moxxie off.
Blitzo: That is offensive! Without homeless people, *walks over to window and raises blinds* I wouldn't have HALF the joy and laughter I do in this life!
Blitzo puts his face up against the window, cracking the glass, and sees a homeless demon, looking sad and holding up a sign that reads "Monee helps. Satan bless." A succubus is on her cellphone and turns away from the hobo. Blitzo smugly waves at him, before lowering the window blinds.
Lincoln: Y'know, speaking of *air quotes* "family"... can you stop fucking spying on my parents and I when we're at home?!
Millie: Come on, kiddo! It's not that big a deal!
Lincoln: *record scratch* Hold up...
Moxxie: Excuse me...
Lincoln and Moxxie: *look at Millie in baffled shock and anger* ... WHAT?!
The scene cuts to a flashback of Moxxie and Millie preparing dinner in their kitchen.
Moxxie: Honey, can you get me the butter?
Millie: Sure, sweetie.
Millie opens the fridge door and finds Blitzo inside as he hands her the gross, viscous butter.
Blitzo: Spoiler alert: the butter's spoiled!
Millie giggles.
Moxxie: *throws the diced carrots into the soup* What's funny, honey?
Blitzo: Really impressive wordplay.
Moxxie: WHAT THE-?! WHY ARE YOU IN OUR FRIDGE?!
Later that evening, Lincoln is sound asleep in his bed. He begins tossing and turning as the sound of a cat purring can be heard. Lincoln opens his eyes and sees Blitzo standing on him, looking him right in the eyes.
Blitzo: Whatcha dreamin' about?
Cut to outside the house.
Lincoln: *inside* GET THE FUCK OUT!
Blitzo is thrown out of one of the windows, causing him to land in a dumpster across the street.
In the next scene, Moxxie is singing the end of "Oh, Millie", as Millie joins in on some parts.
Moxxie: Of all the imps in Hell, it's for her that I fell
Moxxie/Millie: *harmonizing* It's for her that I fell/It's for him that I fell
Moxxie: Oh, Millie~
They close their eyes to kiss, but Moxxie notices Blitzo outside the window holding a camcorder.
Moxxie: Are you fucking filming us right now?!
The flashback ends as we cut back to the board room.
Moxxie: Just... stop... doing that!
Blitzo: *shrugs* I don't see what the issue is! There somethin' you don't want me seein'?
Moxxie: *eye twitches in anger* No!
Blitzo: *as Loona snickers* You a baby-wiener-haver?
Lincoln: Blitzo, the way you act is SO *stands up* FUCKING INAPPROPRIATE!
Millie: *lays her hand on Lincoln's shoulder* Calm down, Lincoln! You're gonna go berserk again!
Lincoln: *roars* I AM CALM!
Millie hugs him and pets his head as he growls at Blitzo.
Millie: Shh-shh-shh. There, there...
Blitzo: Look, I don't judge the boring couple stuff *motions his hands to imply sexual activity* your parents do outside work hours. So, don't... judge me!
Lincoln: "JUDGE YOU"?! HOW CAN I NOT JUDGE YOU, YOU ANNOYING FUCK?!
Millie: Linc, he's our boss!
Blitzo: No-no-no, it's fine Mills, your son is just... how do I say this without being offensive? *he smiles smugly* … Retarded.
Lincoln's eyes turn pure orange as his hair takes on a wild-like effect.
Moxxie: Does immaturely insulting me and my son make you feel better about your sad, single life?
Blitzo: *leans towards Moxxie* It actually does.
Loona: The only reason you have a kid who cares about you *looks away from her phone to glare at Moxxie* is because you're easy to manage!
Millie slams her hands against the table, looking at Loona with anger.
Millie: No, he's not, you *deeper tone* BITCH! *flips Loona off*
Lincoln: *slams his paws onto the table so hard, it cracks as he snarls at Loona* YOU WANNA SAY THAT AGAIN, YOU LAZYASS FUCK?!
Blitzo: *as the Hellhounds growl at each other* Do NOT talk to my receptionist that way! She's sensitive!
Loona: *snaps at Lincoln and Millie* Yes, I am!
Lincoln: OH, BOO-FUCKING-HOO!
Eddie: *offscreen* You guys are all fucking assholes.
Blitzo, Moxxie, Millie, Lincoln, and Loona's eyes all widened in surprise. They look at Eddie, the boy Moxxie accidentally shot earlier. Eddie is lying on a table with three wires from a heart monitor attached to his stomach.
Blitzo: Oh, shut up, kid! You're lucky to witness this!
Moxxie: *pinches bridge of his nose* Ugh, this company is such a mess!
Blitzo: Alright, let's get back to talking about my outfit.
Loona: Nobody was talking about that!
Blitzo: Which is why I'm tryin' to get that ball rolling. So, how does it look? It's good, right?
Eddie: *points at Blitzo* It's been a literal hell *detaches the tubes of the heart monitor* having to pretend to be paralyzed so you fuckshits wouldn't kill me! But, now I want that. I want death!
He once again points at Blitzo.
Eddie: You are a selfish, greedy clown. And I'm a kid! We're supposed to like clowns! Even the creepy ones!
Moxxie: Hey, now! That's not very-
Eddie interrupts Moxxie, intimidating him.
Eddie: If I wanted to hear from a spineless jackass, I'd rip out your spine and ask you some shit.
Millie slams her hand on the table, the other gesturing at Moxxie.
Millie: That's my husband you're talkin' to!
Eddie: *laughs* That's your husband?!
Moxxie and Millie snarl at Eddie.
Eddie: I figured you for a slut. But, I didn't know you needed dick that bad! *points at Loona and Lincoln* And you two!
Loona: What? *looks up from her phone*
Lincoln: What about us, you little shit?
Eddie: Nothing. crosses arms I don't talk to dogs. I'm a cat person.
The Hellhounds give a wide-eyed glare. Loona whines at Eddie with anger, and goes back to looking at her phone, while Lincoln snarls at Eddie with anger.
Blitzo: Wow. Ah, y'know, kid, you kind of are a piece of shit.
Everyone, in unison: *softly* Yeah. He's kind of a piece of shit.
Loona's eyes widen as she receives a text message.
Loona: Oh, fuck! Guys, I just got a text from our client! Guess he was the right target after all.
Blitzo: Who?
Loona: points at Eddie Him.
Eddie: *in disbelief* Me?
Loona: *smugly, without looking up* Yup.
Blitzo: They wanted us to kill an actual child?
Loona: That's what they're sayin'.
Blitzo: ...Well, Christ on a stick. I guess there is a God. Linc, kill this little piss stain.
Lincoln: Pfft, say less.
He pulls out a knife and throws it at Eddie, hitting him in the chest and killing him instantly.
Eddie: OWWWW!
Blood covers the screen, then reveals Blitzo and Moxxie kicking Eddie's corpse, Millie stabbing him, Lincoln biting him, and Loona recording everything on her phone.
Blitzo: *voiceover* Y'know, folks? With this company, I really wanted to prove that we're capable of doing the same things anyone else can. Like killing people!
Blitzo and Moxxie are shown wearing full hazard gear, dismembering Eddie's body with a hacksaw and chainsaw respectively. Blood splats on the screen again, then shows the group by a dumpster putting Eddie's body parts in a garbage bag.
Blitzo: *voiceover* So, from us here at the Immediate Murder Professionals group, we promise to settle your unfinished business or your money... is gone and you're never getting it back, and you can write us a bad review but we'll play dumb to it, because it's Hell and no one fuckin' cares.
As Blitzo does the voiceover, he hugs Moxxie, Millie, Lincoln and Loona, the latter's phone flying out of her hands.
Blitzo: Y'know, even though this kid was a target... he's still a child. And it's important that *wraps his tail lovingly around the group* we handle this going forward respectfully.
The group all smile as the scene cuts to a newscast, showing Eddie's mother tearfully holding up a bad drawing of her son. A male news reporter holds a microphone up to her, looking disinterested. The headline on screen says, "Mom sucks at drawing own kid", while the ticker bar constantly reads "There is a missing boy! Yet another missing kid!"
Eddie's mother: *sobbing* Please! If anyone has seen my little Eddie, please contact us at-
Eddie's bloody body bag suddenly falls into her arms.
Eddie's mother: *terrified* OHHH!
Eddie's mother and the news reporter look up in shock as the camera follows their gaze. Blitzo, Moxxie, Millie, and Lincoln are shown looking down on them through a portal.
Blitzo: *smiles and waves* You're welcome!
Lincoln: *shouts* Your kid was a piece of shit!
The quartet disappears in the portal as it closes.
As the credits roll, a rough animatic of Moxxie singing "Oh, Millie" in full to Millie is shown.