What's a snake's favorite dance? The mamba!
.
...I'll shut up now...
Demetra lived kind of far. And very out of the way. If you didn't already know about this place, it would be hard to find. There wasn't much in terms of neighbors, or even really any sort of neighborhood to speak of. It was kind of isolated, like it was a place of business first and a residence second. The actual abode seemed just an afterthought, as Black Hat had to drive around to park in front.
Flug wondered why exactly Demetra worked at a cafe nearly an hour away when she didn't seem to have her own mode of transportation. He also wondered why they needed to leave by 8 in the morning, the only answer Black Hat had to give being "What does it even matter, it's not as if you need beauty sleep!"
Flug's lack of a need of sleep was not the point, Hat-Man, not the point.
Demetra's house wasn't anything spectacular. It was an average sized two story abode painted a truly horrid shade of yellow to the side of a slightly smaller building which looked a bit better maintained. Judging by the sign, it was the actual reptile ranch thing. There was also a large van out front, decked out to look as if it had scales and sporting what Flug assumed to be their shop's logo on the side. Along with a pretty decent decal of a snake. Wonder who did that.
The door swung open and Demetra herself ran out soon after the two of them approached the porch. What, was she just waiting by the windows to see when they showed up?
"Oh good, you guys are here!" She exclaimed. "She's only going to be basking for a few more hours so c'mon, let's go see her right now!"
She pulled them both along to the main shop of their little reptile farm/pet shop thing they had going on. She dragged them past the various cages of snakes, lizards, other things Flug didn't know the precise name of (is there any difference between a salamander and a newt?) to a room in the back partially hidden by a thick curtain. Demetra pulled it back a bit and led them into a dark room, whose only illumination seemed to be the heat lamp positioned above the cage.
"Well, here she is!" Demetra announced proudly.
It was a huge glass thing, nearly spanning the whole wall. Although the room itself was on the small side, so maybe it wasn't that big a cage after all. It seemed bigger than most of the other cages they'd passed. This snake apparently needed its own little enclosure separate from the rest of the reptiles on display and on sale.
It looked very humid in there. Dry, sparsly leaved branches extended like a tree from the large amount of dirt and bark packed into the bottom of the cage. They took up most of the top right corner, directly under the heat, along with a few of the large rocks that were scattered and piled up in seemingly random piles. There was a large stone bowl front and center, it's water bowl, Flug guessed. Which was about the only thing that broke the image of actually being the wilderness. Expect for one thing that just left Flug confused.
The box. There was some odd plastic box off in the corner, which stuck out like a McDonalds in the middle of the savannah. It was so jarring that Flug felt almost physically confused by it. It really took him out of what was otherwise a pretty decent illusion of a scene straight from nature.
And there it was, lounging (do snakes lounge?) along the branches and soaking up the heat. It's light grey color not quite blending in, it's fleshy white underside giving a clear view of it's position. It was, to be frank, a big ass snake. Lengthwise, at least. Flug estimated it to be about 1.5 meters, but he could be slightly off with the way it had strewn itself about. It didn't seem to have much girth, although Flug didn't know much about snakes so he supposed he had no idea if it looked particularly thin or not. What did this thing even eat?
The three of them just silently took it in for a few moments, admiring the sheen of the light on it's scales. It was a little creepy, how it seemed to be watching them as they watched it. Out of the corner of it's eye like their walking in was a bit of an inconvenience, but it was too cool to acknowledge them further. Flug saw it's small round eye looking back, as if it actually was looking back. Observing them like, Who disturbs my basking? Or, I bet I can eat the scrawny one.
That was surprising, too. It had round pupils. Flug though snakes had slit pupils, like cats. But these were circular and pitch black, only a small ring of reflected light differentiated iris from pupil.
Wait...do snakes even have irises?
"She's grey." Black Hat said, breaking the silence. Flug and Demetra just kind of stared at him.
"Uh, yeah, Captain Obvious, she is." Demetra said with a roll of her eyes.
"You said she was black."
"Black, grey, close enough." She said with a shrug. "When they grow up, they're usually dark grey, dark brown, sometimes green. Her underside will stay light like this. I think she's gonna stay grey though. She'll get darker as she grows up, maybe get to almost black, but that doesn't happen all too often."
"I thought she was a black mamba."
Demetra snickered a bit. "That's not why they call them that, silly."
"Why do they call them that then, if not for their color?"
"Well, not their scale color," Demetra said. Then she smiled. Flug didn't like that smile. God she looked like she was gonna do something insane. "Actually, I think I can show you." She turned her head to Flug. "Can you keep watch?"
"Can I do what now?"
"Keep a lookout in case my dad or one of my brothers comes in."
"Wh-What am I supposed to do then?"
"I don't know, scream?" Her eyes flitted to the cage and the snake inside. "Wait, no, better not. She's a flighty one. Might spook her. Then we'll all be in trouble."
"Wait, wait wait wait," Flug held up his hands, like that would stop the lunacy unfolding before him. "You're not, you're not going to take that thing out of its cage are you!?"
"Keep your voice down!" She said in a low voice. Her head whipped back to the cage, Flug and Black Hat's eyes followed. The snake had picked itself up, it's raised head facing them directly. Almost accusingly. Oh shit things just got real. "She's a shy girl as is. And for your information, I have been handling snakes since I was a little kid. I know what I'm doing."
"Then shouldn't you know that everything about this is a terrible idea?"
"I thought you said this was one of the deadliest snakes worldwide." Black Hat spoke up.
"Uh huh! One of the fastest too!"
"Oh? How fast?"
"Top speed for the grown ones is about 20 kilometers per hour!"
"Oh Jesus!" Flug exclaimed, still in a hushed voice.
"And you are going to pick her up?"
"That's the plan!"
"With your bare hands?"
"I'm not gonna die just from touching her." She said with a flip of her massive hair.
"Ok hold on." Black Hat pulled out his phone. "Ugh, the lighting in here is just terrible." And proceeded to tap away at the screen for a few seconds. "Alright that's as good as it's getting. Flug, keep watch."
Flug just stared at him. And yelled in a whisper. So as not to scare the snake that was almost as long as he was tall and faster than an olympic athlete! "You're going to record this?!"
"Hey, if I'd have known she was going to take her out I'd have brought my actual camera. The quality on this is gonna be shit in comparison. I'll show you later, go keep watch now."
Flug shook his head. "Fine, fine. I'll keep watch. But when one of you is bitten by a black fucking mamba and dies, don't come crying to me."
"How much venom does it take to kill a person?" Black Hat asked.
"Two drops is enough to do it." She said cheerily. "We scare her though, and she's gonna be giving us waaay more than that. So keep your voices down, no sudden moves, and don't get too too close just in case."
Oh don't worry, Flug would be staying two car lengths away from this thing at all times. He turned his attention to the outside world, just peeking out from behind the curtain. It seemed to him that the less obvious he was about this, the better chance nothing horrible would happen. Well, nothing more horrible than was already happening. Just further confirmation that his life was slowly spiraling into madness the more he ventured past his apartment door.
Why couldn't they just calmly crowd around the chameleons? Those were perfectly safe, no danger of dying from one of those bites, right? And they were tiny. Could fit in one hand. And had neat bulging eyes. Eyes that could move independently and look at two things at once. Man, that would be so cool to be able to do.
He heard something and assumed Demetra had just opened the cage. He heard her go "Shh, shh, it's okay Lil' Jack, it's okay. I'm not gonna hurt you. You remember me, don't you? Nice and warm, just relax, there you go."
"Lil' Jack?"
"Heh, yeah, that's what I decided to call her." Demetra's voice was soft. "My dad doesn't like it when I do that, cuz we're not supposed to be keeping them, but, whatever. Never stopped me before, ain't stopping me now. And it just fits her so well, you know?"
"She not very little." Black Hat said bluntly. Although Flug had to agree with him. How could anyone call something this huge "Lil' Jack"?
He heard Demetra chuckle. "She ain't even a year old yet. She'll probably be about twice this big when she's all grown up. Maybe more."
Oh goddamn this wasn't even it's final form!? It was going to grow to 3 meters in length?! At least!? Jesus!
"How long will she live?" Black Hat asked.
"11 years, maybe?" Flug could hear her voice hitch as she (he assumed) actually brought the thing out. He wondered how much a snake this big had to weigh. "That's how long they live out in the wild. Some of 'em live into their 20s in captivity, but we dunno for sure how she's gonna develop. Or how the person who takes her home is gonna treat her. Hey, hey hey hey," Flug heard a raspy sort of hiss. Oh shit it was going wrong immediately. She spoke to it in a soft voice, "No no no, just relax Lil' Jack. Just relax. It's all good. These are my friends. Shh, shh, I know, new people are scary, but it's cool. I'll introduce you. I think you'll really like these guys." The hissing died down, so Flug assumed Demetra had been able to calm the thing. He didn't know it was possible to talk down a snake. Maybe it was like with dogs, maybe it was more the tone that mattered, not the actual words.
"Where did you get her?"
"Dad didn't say. And with something as special as her, guess it's better not to tell. All I know is he got her from a different guy than we usually get the imports from. Kinda shady."
"Ever figure out what she's crossed with?"
"No, but I think if I can match her bands with something, it'll give me a pretty good idea."
"Bands?"
"Yeah, I told you she's got a lil' red on her, right?" Yeah. Flug vaguely remembered her saying something about that back when they were driving to Aurelio's. "They're back here, kinda hard to see but she's got these red bands on her."
Flug tried to rack his brain and figure out what she was talking about. When he thought of red bands on a snake the first thing to come to mind was something like a coral snake, something bright red and very noticable. But he hadn't seen anything like that on this snake when he saw it. It seemed to all be a silvery-light gray color. Aside from the white of its underside.
"I don't think my phone is getting them." Black Hat said.
"But you see 'em, yeah?"
"Barely."
"Good. I'm hoping they'll get darker along with the rest of her. Bet she'll be even more of a beauty when she's all grown up."
"So, why do they call them black mambas?"
"I'll show you," Demetra said. "It's their mouths."
Flug couldn't see what was going on but he heard Demetra shh-ing the snake a bit more and Black Hat go "Ooooooh, ok. I see."
"Pretty neat, huh?"
"Yeah that's cool."
"So, it's mouth is black?" Flug asked, turning a bit.
"Yeah yeah, check it out."
Flug let the curtain drop and he turned fully to see Demetra with all 1.5 meters of the snake in her arms, one hand gripping the head tightly and exposing the inky interior of its mouth. While Black Hat stood there with his phone like a Japanese tourist.
Flug resisted the urge to lean in closer to its mouth for a better look. He had to admit though, it actually was pretty cool. It's mouth was like the aftermath of an oil spill, a deep murky black that bubbled suspiciously at the back of it's throat. In the dim lighting it almost looked like a black hole, sucking in all illumination and leaving itself pitch. It also looked really weird with it's mouth held open like that. If looked at from the side it almost looked like it was smiling. A very unnatural smile. Unhinged. Like this thing could probably do with its lower jaw. Could all snakes do that, or just some?
Flug couldn't see it's tongue, maybe it was the same jet color, but he did see some odd tubish thing going down its maw. Barely distinguishable, just a hint of black-on-black shadows.
"What is that?" Flug said, pointing to it from a (hopefully) safe distance. "Is that it's throat?" He knew it probably wasn't the throat, it seemed far too narrow, but he didn't really know what else it would be.
"Nope, that's her windpipe." Demetra said cockily.
"Is it supposed to be like that?"
"Yeah, it's like that so she can breath while she's chowing down."
Huh. That...actually made a lot of sense. Snakes didn't chew their food, Flug knew that much. They extended their mouths and slowly moved prey down their throats into their stomachs, where it was digested in its entirety. If the trachea was farther down in their throat like a human's, that would be a pretty huge choking hazard. Having the windpipe separate from the esophagus like that allowed air to flow even during the feeding process, where the entire mouth would be stuffed up.
How practical.
"Where are her fangs?" Black Hat asked. "I don't see them."
Flug squinted his eyes. Yeah, he couldn't see fangs either. Just black gums and little lumps around where he figured the fangs should be. Were they just really tiny? Like...baby teeth? He didn't actually have any real clue as to how big snake fangs actually were.
"Oh, they're flat right now." Demetra said. "She'll move them down when she needs to eat."
"She can do that?" Black Hat and Flug asked in near perfect unison.
"Yep. They're a lil' longer than usual, I think, but very flexible." Demetra nodded as if that explained everything. She moved her hand down so that she wasn't holding the reptiles mouth forcibly open anymore, but rather held it by the neck. The thing turned its head around a bit, as much as it could while still held steady, maybe sizing the two newcomers up again now that it was closer. How was this things' eyesight? Did it hunt by sight, or smell? Flug could now make out a thin black line flicking against the milky white of its underside. That was how snakes smell, right? Through their tongues? Was it sniffing them? Trying to see which of them might be tastier? Well, it certainly wouldn't be Flug. He'd probably taste like sweat and day old microwaveable food.
Flug doubted it had the capacity for such higher thinking, but he found himself imaging what must be going on it it's head. Who are these weirdos? Why am I not soaking up the sun? Put me down you cretin. I'm hungry.
What did this thing eat again?
"Can I hold her?" Black Hat asked when all had been silent for too long.
Flug just stared at him like, What the fuck did this man just say?
"Uh, well," Demetra stammered. "She, ah, she can be a lil' defensive, I think she's only letting me hold her like this cuz I sneak in here to hang with her pretty often and I've picked her up once or twice before." Oh Lord was that really all!? She'd only done this once, maybe twice before!? "So, she knows me, ya know? I dunno if she's gonna let you so much as touch her."
"Can I try?" He asked again. Like they were talking about a particularly nervous puppy or kitten and not ONE OF THE MOST VENOMOUS SNAKES ON THE PLANET!
"Well-" Demetra started before Flug cut her off.
"No. No, no, no no no no no no no no no no no no no, no no. NO." He faced Black Hat and pointed at him seriously. "No."
"Oh come on, just hold my phone." He pushed the cell phone into Flug's hands. "Make sure you get my good side."
"No." He pushed the phone back. "This thing could literally kill you."
"Yes, and she's beautiful."
"What?" Flug's face scrunched up trying to comprehend the mania that had clearly befallen his two compatriots.
"We're looking at the same thing, right?" He asked, placing the phone back into his pocket. "I don't see what exactly I need to clarify here. She's beautiful and I want to hold her."
"Ok, so," Demetra chimed in. "How's about I keep holding her, and you just touch her? See if she'll let you do that first."
"Works for me." Black Hat shrugged. "Flug?"
He considered it. And studied Demetra's grip on it's head. It...seemed secure. It moved about, swaying like it was trying to move, but not as if it was really struggling. Not like it was actively trying to break free from her grasp. It's head was held high, making Flug feel like it was trying to intimidate them, but it didn't seem particularly interested in striking out. She did say she had been handling these animals for years, and despite her rowdy nature she did seem to know what she was doing. Hell, this was probably the quietest and calmest he'd ever seen her. This certainly wasn't safe, all notions of safety were thrown out the window the second she took this thing out of its cage, but he supposed this was (marginally) better than just handing it off like a lethal game of hot potato.
Flug shook his head. "Do what you want. Buy the damn thing," He mumbled, going back over to the curtain where things made a bit more sense. "Get yourself killed."
Almost immediately he heard the same raspy hiss from before, a clear sign that things were going marvelously. And Flug faintly wondered what would happen if Black Hat actually were to die. Would the contract just be voided immediately when one of them died? Would Flug get his soul back? Would he just remain soulless for the rest of his life, in service to a deceased master? Would Black Hat instruct him on running the evil empire through a ouija board or something? Would he need someone to formally annul the contract? And he mentally asked himself again; who would he need to talk to about this, a lawyer or a priest?
Maybe he could ask Dr. Morte himself when he met him at his birthday party in a few months. He'd probably have some answers for him, right?
"Stop that!" Demetra snapped, shaking Flug out of his thoughts. "You gotta be gentle with her. Like I did; gentle, soft, easy. You can't lunge out and expect her to just go for it. That ain't how she is. If you're too eager all it's gonna do is scare her off. Just like I told you for him." She added in a not-at-all-subtle whisper.
Flug turned back around. "You know I heard that, right?"
"You know your boyfriend refuses to listen to sound advice, right?" Oh God. She said it. Flug could feel his cheeks bloom rose red and hoped it wasn't all that noticeable in the dim lighting. She called him his-
"Can everyone just shut up?" Black Hat said in a very agitated voice. "And get back to the matter at hand?"
"'Kay, since you need everything spelled out for ya, here it is: Cool your jets! You come on way too strong!" The snake hissed again, as if to agree with her.
"Tell me about it," Flug said under his breath. Apparently loud enough that he was still heard, if Demetra's restrained giggling was anything to go by.
"I fucking told you so," She choked out.
"Ok, first of all, I didn't hear you complaining at dinner." Oh come on he didn't have to bring that up. "Second, it is not my fault that she refuses to cooperate."
"Oh yes it is."
"What? How?"
"I been telling you how! You're scaring her off! Keep it up and she's gonna bite ya."
It was then that Flug remembered he was supposed to be on guard duty. He peeked out from behind the curtain and was almost immediately greeted by a large man almost a full head taller than him and, as the kids would say, swole as fuck. He had short brown hair about the same shade as dark chocolate sticking out in odd places like he just rolled out of bed and threw on a muscle shirt real quick. He had a wide jawline with a bit of stubble, maybe he hadn't shaved this morning. He just kind of stared at Flug with a surprised look on his face, like Who the hell is this and why is he here?
"O-Oh my-" Flug stumbled back, knocking into Black Hat, who hopefully miraculously stopped himself from crashing face-first into a deadly serpent.
"Yes," Demetra said, apparently unaware of anything going on beyond the area right in front of her. "Like that. Be gentle. Much better."
"Uh, Demetra?" Flug whispered. "What do your brothers look like?"
"Tall, dark hair, kind of douchey, why?"
"...Hello, my name is Rocinante," He gave a small wave. "I'm a friend of your sisters."
He felt Black Hat turn a bit. "Hey."
"Well shit." Demetra said. "Flug, you are a terrible lookout."
"Demetra, put the fucking snake back." The guy said. He didn't even seem all that mad, he just seemed like he was tired of having to tell her not to pick up venomous snakes. His face was kind of blank. Like he hadn't fully woken up and was currently only at half-capacity to deal with the situation.
"It's fine, really, we were just-"
"Put. It. Back." He said a bit more seriously. Though his face barely changed.
"Ivan, if you would just-
"Put. The. FUCKING. SNAKE. BACK!" He shouted. Making Flug flinch and bolt as if the words were directed at him.
"Don't do that!" She hissed, fighting to keep Lil' Jack under control. It seemed the snake got startled and was now going crazy. That was Flug's best interpretation of things, at least. If Demetra wasn't holding it it'd probably be in the process of biting all four of them to death. "I'm putting her back, I'm putting her back!"
"Please tell me no one got bit." The guy said, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.
"I had everything under control." She dumped the snake back into its cage, where it rapidly retreated into that strange little plastic box. Huh. Guess it really was a shy girl after all.
Demetra's brother, Ivan, barked out laughter. "Yeah no, I don't think so. Everybody out." The three of them filed out, Flug in the lead. "And stop going in there, I'm not telling you again."
"That's what you said last time." She said with a mad smile.
"And if I need to say it again it really will be the last time you little fuck up." Ivan said with hollow eyes above his own tight lipped grin. "Now get out."
He called after them as they awkwardly exited the place. "And wash your damn hands!"
Demetra huffed. "I don't need to wash my hands. Hardly do, and I ain't never caught a thing." Flug wasn't sure he was comfortable with Demetra handling his food and drink anymore.
Demetra led them back around to the front of her house, "C'mon in, I'll show you Locojos."
Flug shot Black Hat a really confused look as they followed her lead. "I think it was a lizard." He shrugged.
"A horned lizard." She specified.
"Ah, right. Like your hood."
"Awww, you remembered." She shot a flirty grin back at him. "He doesn't look like this though. Too bad. It'd be wicked."
As they entered, Demetra started telling them a bit about horned lizards, which Flug mostly tuned out as he took the place in. From the yellowing white interior paint to the wooden furniture with its many nicks and duct taped table legs, it was kind of a mess. He could hear some more male voices coming from somewhere off to his right, where the kitchen might be. How many brothers did she have again? Maybe one of those voices belonged to her father?
The banister and stairs, which Demetra walked up two at a time, were covered in scratches and marker graffiti and carvings. Like, literal carvings. Like someone in this family got a knife and just went to town on the stairs. Highlights included things like Demetra eZtuvo aquí (carved), porque ella fue suspendida de nuevo (purple marker), pinche metiche (red marker), ¡Rey de la casa! (carved), and callate alex (blue pen).
Demetra's room was at the far end of the hall and had a big messy sign that said ¡ENTRE Y MUERE! in rainbow glitter on black construction paper. Along with a few crude crayon doodles of skulls, crossbones, and puking emojis. As well as a fair amount of stickers and printed out band logos taped to the door.
Demetra herself kicked the door open, not entirely sure why, and spun around with a "TA-DA! Welcome to my home inside another home cuz everywhere else in this house sucks and is full of morons! C'mon in, make yourselves at home, sorry about the mess. Friends don't come over too often."
Apparently not, if the multitude of chip bags and soda bottles littering the carpeted floor was any indication. Flug assumed that there were tons of stains on the carpet, but he honestly couldn't tell from just how messy it was in here. There was an empty metal trash can in the corner, that looked like Demetra had forgotten she had. Or she had terrible aim, because the space around the trash can was full. In another corner was a guitar, which seemed to be held together entirely with duct tape. Along with an old amplifier, which Flug doubted still worked. Her room looked like the stage of a garage band had been through a tornado, that for some reason dumped a girls bedroom on top of it. Her bed was full sized, with a mountain of pillows at one end and a tangled mess of red and black blankets at the other. It might've had a canopy at one point, but now it just had four large metal posts holding up nothing and threatening to stab the ceiling. There was a lump near the bed, which was possibly a bean bag chair, but otherwise no where else to sit. Flug almost couldn't tell if the walls were the same peeling off-white color as the rest of the house; they were hidden behind posters of bands and people he'd never heard of, cork boards of various sizes with pinned up photographs of Demetra with people Flug assumed to be her other friends, a large mirror with a corner piece of glass broken off, a large closet with sliding doors that were decorated in stickers and sloppy crayon doodles, and a small glass cage on top of a scratched up wood dresser. Like the snake, it had special heat bulbs.
Unlike the snake, this one looked to be more arid and dry. It had a bit of cacti and a small desert bush, but was otherwise bare save for the water dish and the animal itself.
Oh, wait, no it wasn't. There were also a ton of ants in there. Which were being slowly picked off by a small thing covered in horns and spikes that kind of looked like a partially deflated balloon. With the spiky head of Jabba the Hutt.
"Is that him?"
"Yep! That's my lil' Locojos!" Demetra said in her usual upbeat tone. Flug took the opportunity to inspect the thing closer. It was in its cage and as far as he knew it wouldn't kill him in two seconds. It was on the small side, it would probably fit rather nicely in his hand. It's body was wide and flat, like it had gotten stepped on or run over and became a pancake. It's little head darted back and forth while it ate, it's eyes small and beady, tracking their prey with an odd sense of determination for something that looked like a toad with horns.
Apparently Demetra had been talking. "-and when they get threatened, they puff up to make predators go 'Man, I can't fit that in my mouth. It's like the land version of a pufferfish.' And I mean, it kind of is. He's just this spiky ball thing with legs and a tail, pretty much a land-pufferfish. Minus the toxic part. That's pufferfish, right?" That was probably a pretty accurate description of it's natural defenses, but it was phrased rather stupidly.
"Although the blood is supposed to taste bad. 'Nother way to scare off predators, they shoot out their blood. Like, first it's 'Whoa what the fuck, how'd you do that I haven't even bitten you yet!' then it's 'Ew, if that's what you taste like nevermind.' Which, I mean, so long as it works. It would sure freak me out if something I was trying to eat did that. Imagine if people could do that."
Flug whipped his head around. "Uh, what?"
"Oh, you didn't know?" She said with a smug grin. "Horned lizards can shoot out their blood."
"Whaaaat?"
"Where? From their mouths or something?" Black Hat asked, approaching the cage and tapping on the glass.
"Nope!" She announced, pulling her eyelids down dramatically. "From their eyes!"
"Neat."
"Whoa!" How did that work? Did they have special veins and arteries near their eyes which had evolved in order to be able to expel their blood when threatened? Were the blood vessels in their eyes themselves just extremely sensitive and prone to burst when startled?
"He he! Yeah it is! He can shoot it out pretty far too! A whole meter away!"
"Impressive," Flug admitted. That had sparked his interest. It surely did scare off predators, and if it did indeed taste foul it probably served as a deterrent for both the individual lizard and the species as a whole.
Cool.
"So, he just eats ants?"
"Ants, grasshoppers, even spiders. Little bugs like that." She said. "But enough about him, put your feet up! Grab a snack! I think I still got some Takis somewhere..." She trailed off as she hunted around the floor. "You guys like Monster?" She tossed a crumpled can off in the general direction of the trash can. She missed.
Not seeing anywhere else that was even remotely sanitary, Flug opted to sit on the edge of Demetra's bed. Where he found a bunch of crumbs. God he hoped they were crumbs. Black Hat remained posted by the cage, leaning over to peer at Demetra. Who was still sifting through empty bags and crinkled cellophane looking for something edible.
"So, Lil' Jack." Black Hat piped up. "What exactly does she eat?"
"Birds." Demetra said, not looking up. "Mice. Rats. Small things like those. That's all we have to give her, really. But she'll eat pretty much anything if you give her the chance, ya know? Even other snakes."
Flug shuddered. Snake cannibalism. Was it still considered cannibalism if it was a different type of snake? It was deadly to its own kind as well as him. Although he would admit Demetra had been right about one thing; it was a thing of beauty. It was mesmerizing, and scary, and it got his paranoia juices flowing. Just his type.
"And that's the kind of stuff she'd eat if she were in the wild?"
"Uhhhh, in the wild she'd be eating birds, yeah. Small chickens and stuff. And bats. Rodents. Just, you know, small animals."
"Ah, ok. Where is that, anyway? Her natural habitat or whatever?"
"South and East Africa." Demetra replied quickly. "Not like Locojos here. He's a local." The thing stuck it's tongue out. "Black mambas can live in a couple of places; woods, savannas, trees, grass. Lil' Jack seems to like it hot and humid best, with tons of places to hide in."
"And about how often does she eat? Once a day or so?"
"Pssh, nah. Snakes don't eat every day. And since they're cold-blooded, they don't need to eat a whole lot either. Black mambas gotta eat pretty often for snakes, though. I give her a bird or a rat or something about every three days, she gets it when she wants it."
"Where do you get them?"
"I find 'em!" She declared, pulling a half-empty tube of Pringles out from under the bean bag. She began munching immediately. "Want any? They aren't that stale."
"Pass."
"No thanks, I'm good. Um," Flug fiddled with the blankets a bit. "When you said you 'find them', like, where? Please tell me you don't find them in your room."
"No, I don't find them in my room!" Demetra said with the most offended expression Flug had ever seen from someone sitting on torn plastic bags and eating stale chips. "Well, except for that one time."
Oh Lord.
Things continued in this manner for some time. Maybe a few hours, Flug wasn't really paying attention. Demetra pulled out a small little green laptop that almost looked like a toy, Black Hat sat down next to Flug behind her while she got comfortable on the lumpy bean bag, and the three of them watched miscellaneous YouTube videos while keeping the conversation going through a myriad of topics. Science, nature, how January lasted four years yet October lasted a week, random things as they went from video to video.
They were only really interrupted once, by a man who looked kind of like Demetra's brother Ivan; he had the same square jaw and dark messy hair, but it was longer and tied back in a short ponytail. He also seemed slimmer, not as buff but about as tall. His long sleeve T-Shirt was splotched and messy, though Flug couldn't tell if that was just the design or if the guy had spilled something on himself. He leaned in against the doorframe, arms crossed and a sly smile on his face.
"Damn girl, two guys at once? You've moving up in the world."
"Oh hi Mark." She replied, the sarcasm heavy in her overly-sweet and innocent voice. "You jealous that you don't have any friends of your own to invite over?"
"Nah, this place is shit. Wouldn't invite anyone here if Dad paid me."
"You're missing out."
"I can live without getting tipped by my dad, thank you very much."
Flug whispered to Black Hat. "Are they just gonna act like we're not here, or...?"
"Oh, yeah." Demetra piped up, not turning around or even looking up from the screen. "Mark, Black Hat and Flug. Black Hat and Flug, Mark."
"My name is Rocinante." He mumbled under his breath.
"You sure know how to pick 'em, Demi."
"So, did you want something, or did you just show up to be annoying?"
"I pretty much just showed up to be annoying." He shrugged.
"Ok cool, just checking."
Mark laughed freely as he strolled off. "Well, just leave the door open. Remember what happened last time."
"What happened last time?"
"My friends were politely asked to leave, and it was awkward for everyone."
"Your brothers are kind of assholes." Black Hat said.
"Yeah, but they're different kinds of assholes. Makes it a bit more interesting. Mark's not too bad, he's like the catty sister I always wanted."
They resumed their aimless binging. They somehow kept finding themselves watching How-To videos from this one guy that were just...insane. They started out normal, but always devolved into the madman throwing eggs and jugs of milks and even setting things on fire. One, titled "How to get rid of bed bugs" ended with some random naked guy, screaming and holding a french bulldog! They just made no sense! And where did that cow come from?!
So naturally, they couldn't stop watching them. They just carried on with whatever they were talking about while the "tutorial" played. One of them occasionally daring to ask, "What the fuck are we watching?"
Black Hat however, seemed to always try and direct the flow of things back to snakes. More specifically, the black mamba. What exactly it needed in terms of temperature, diet, growth; how often it would shed, how the cage was cleaned, Demetra mentioned that the current terrarium was going to need an upgrade soon, which only seemed to spark Black Hat's curiosity further. It was kind of amazing how she had an answer for virtually every one of his questions. Although it was equally concerning just how many questions Black Hat had and why they all seemed to relate to the care, feeding, and just general upkeep of the animal. Flug had a sneaking suspicion that he had some ulterior motive for asking all these questions, beyond innocent interest.
And when they had wasted half the day away, having finally ending up in the Top 15 Deaths Caught on Camera part of YouTube, he was proven right.
"Well, that settles it, I'm buying her."
Translations:
Demetra eZtuvo aquí = Demetra wuz here (Spanish)
porque ella fue suspendida de nuevo = because she was suspended again (Spanish)
pinche metiche = [to my understanding this comes out to meaning something along the lines of nosy fuck. If I'm wrong, please correct me. I will never get better if you don't]
¡Rey de la casa! = King of the house! (Spanish)
callate alex = shut up alex (Spanish)
¡ENTRE Y MUERE! = ENTER AND DIE! (Spanish)