Repost of my fic for 2023's Secret Santa, previously posted on the FF: suitsxmasfic
Prompt No. 24 AnonymousDH206: Precanon darvey, set around 6.15/6.16 (Donna has overheard those investors talk about her + Harvey)… story opens with a firm Christmas party with everyone present, Donna and Harvey find themselves under a mistletoe and it's up to the writer whether they kiss or don't, either way, everyone around them is looking and maybe cheering them on, but Donna only sees the judging looks from some older partners in the back, so either with the kiss or without the kiss, she leaves the party and Harvey behind. Up to the writer to resolve it from there, will Harvey chase her if they kissed? Does he feel too embarrassed to follow her if they didn't? Will it be resolved the same night or will it result in tension at the office/aka the "more" question, which was deep down really about her and Harvey. Will he ask Mike/Rachel for help, or even his mom? Would love for it to include angst before it's resolved, rating up to the writer (No Paula or Thomas in the story please and thank you it's X-mas after all)
Blame the Mistletoe
Summary: Following her tearful declaration about needing more in 616, Donna and Harvey struggle with old and new insecurities. Will a kiss under the mistletoe change that?
Present day: Harvey
Harvey stopped short as he took in the scene in front of him.
Where he had expected to walk into a space which resembled Santa's workshop on its busiest day, he stepped into a space lit only by the twinkling fairy lights overhead. A moderately tall Christmas tree, adorned with gold and silver ornaments, twinkled in the center of the space.
His gaze scanned eagerly for the only person who could have pulled this off - overruling Louis' vision of fake snow, giant candy canes, and mandatory Christmas-themed costumes. He spotted her almost instantly, as he usually did - he could always pick her out of a crowd.
She was standing near the mini-bar, next to Mike and Rachel, wearing a beautiful smile and a deep green silk dress that he'd instantly recognized as the one she'd purchased during one of their many trips to Hermès - this one being soon after he'd returned from Boston, having made up with his mother.
All because of her.
Donna.
.
.
2 weeks earlier.
It had been just the three of them in the partners' kitchen.
Louis had just outlined one of his ideas to them and Harvey hadn't been able to tell if the man was serious.
An ugly Christmas sweater party.
Seriously?
"Louis, if you think I'm gonna wear a sweater with a ridiculous reindeer and a bright red nose, you have another think coming."
Harvey rolled his eyes, his attention returning to the two cups of coffee in front of him. He reached into the shelf above him for the small bottle of vanilla that he knew Donna had tucked into the corner, out of plain sight.
"Come on, Harvey," Louis huffed, before looking pleadingly at Donna. "Tell him, Donna."
Harvey shot a glance at his secretary, his eyes widening as they met hers.
"Don't even think about it," he said warningly, as he handed her one of the mugs, and plopped down on the stool next to hers.
Donna grinned as she took the cup from him, before raising it to her nose. Harvey watched her features soften as she inhaled the familiar scent of vanilla mixed with freshly ground coffee before taking a tentative sip.
"Mmm. That hits the spot," she murmured, looking approvingly at him.
"Good," Harvey smiled back, feeling a warmth blooming in his chest that he knew had nothing to do with the sip he had just taken from his own mug.
The brief moment was, however, broken by Louis' impatient voice.
"Donna, come on. Can you please tell Harvey to get on board?"
"I already said no, Louis." Harvey shook his head in annoyance. "Seriously. Think about it. Do you really think a bunch of corporate lawyers dressing up in ugly Christmas sweaters is a good idea?"
Louis ignored him.
"Donna?"
Harvey's eyes narrowed as Donna's expression morphed into one of thoughtfulness.
She wasn't seriously considering this, was she?
"Now, there's a vision," she murmured.
The image of himself in an ugly sweater with a reindeer jutting out from it - like he'd seen in some movie - flashed briefly in his mind, and he shook his head to quell the horrifying vision.
"Donna…"
"Shh. I'm picturing it," Her eyes were still closed.
"Donna!" Harvey winced at how high-pitched his voice had gone.
He stole a glance at Louis who looked victorious.
"Well?" Louis asked eagerly.
Donna's eyes shot open, a brief flash of annoyance flitting across her expression before it morphed back into a broad grin.
"Huh? It's not a bad idea, Louis."
Harvey felt his mouth drop open.
"No."
"Sorry, Harvey." Louis' voice was gleeful. "It's two against one."
Harvey shook his head, shooting a still bewildered glance at the redhead who seemed to have taken leave of her usually impeccable good sense.
God, he missed Jessica.
She'd have quashed this with a few well-chosen words and that would have been that. How was he even going to begin to fill her shoes, when he couldn't even get his co-managing partner on the same page as him over a freaking office Christmas party?
And then there was Donna.
Ever since that night, things had been different between them.
.
.
He had walked into his darkened office to find Donna waiting for him, her face tear-stained and desperate.
"I want something more. And I've never said that out loud, but I can't pretend that's not true anymore."
The words had thrown him.
He knew things between them had rounded a new corner the night Jessica had left.
But, more so, after he'd returned from Boston, he'd felt freer in a way he hadn't before. The cold vice that often gripped his heart when it came to certain long-buried feelings seemed to no longer be present.
It had been liberating as he allowed himself to indulge once again in the easy relationship he'd shared with Donna before she'd left him to work for Louis, and it felt all the more gratifying when she appeared to be enjoying it, as well. By unspoken agreement, they'd begun spending more time together, gravitating towards each other at the end of most working days. Their nights had been filled with easy conversation.
And, there had been the not-so-unintentional touches, that sometimes edged into daring territory when one or both of them had mustered up enough liquid courage - from finger brushes and arm squeezes that seemed innocent enough to his arm around her shoulder and her hand resting on his knee when they sat close together on his couch.
And then a few weeks earlier, he'd noticed a new glint in her eyes that he'd attributed to her new venture with Benjamin. 'The Donna' had intrigued him even if the way in which it had been created had felt unsettling to him. But Donna hadn't seemed to mind, so he'd held off on reading Benjamin the riot act on his intrusion of Donna's privacy.
And he'd watched with growing pride as Donna and Benjamin worked hard to perfect their innovation. And on those days when she'd felt uncertain or discouraged with their progress, he'd been there to help her with a glass of scotch and a shoulder to cry on.
And so, when Donna had come to him asking for his help in securing a few investors, he'd jumped on it - volunteering himself as the first investor and then picking up the phone to call in a few of the infinite number of favors he was owed.
Things had been looking up. Their lines were blurring, and for the first time in a long time, he was content to let them. He wasn't entirely sure what that meant in the long run, but the idea of finding out hadn't seemed as daunting. And the more time they spent together, he felt himself getting closer to the verge of something… more.
Or so he'd thought until he found himself staring into her broken, terrified eyes.
"I want more."
Those were words he'd thought he'd been prepared to hear and for a brief moment, he thought he'd felt his heart leap. But as he watched her carefully, he tried to reconcile those words with the tears in her eyes and the broken expression on her face.
And suddenly, unbidden, his mind transported him to another time like this.
The darkened office.
Donna crying.
His chest tightening.
Panic bubbling.
"I'm leaving you, Harvey."
Not again, please. Not again.
Harvey forced himself back to the present.
She was still there, her gaze averted, as she brought a hand up to swipe at her wet cheeks. Every inch of him longed to pull her close, but the growing uncertainty in his mind kept him rooted in place.
"You bailed out the second I said I wanted more."
Was this more the same one that she'd been asking for back then?
"What do you mean "more"?"
As the words escaped his lips, he felt a strong sense of déjà vu.
"Are you saying you want everything?"
She raised her head. Her eyes, still tear-filled met his and he saw them widen for a short moment before she averted them again.
Her shoulders dropped as she shook her head slightly.
"I don't know. I guess I'm going to have to figure that out."
"I don't know, Harvey, but what I do know is I don't want your pity."
And then she'd walked out, her shoulders brushing lightly against his own, while he'd stood cemented in place, unable to watch her leave yet again.
.
.
He still had no idea what her more entailed.
And it was killing him.
He dreaded each passing day. And the more Donna stayed silent, the more he began to fear the worst.
Fear the moment she'd walk into his office to tell him she'd found a better offer.
A better job.
A better boss.
A better… man.
His ever-active mind took immense pleasure in plaguing his dreams with myriad versions of that moment that he knew would become a reality one of these days.
He'd begun to dread going to sleep. On some days, he chose to work through the night until exhaustion made him collapse. On other days, he numbed himself into dreamlessness with the contents of his scotch tumbler.
Worse still, the growing closeness between him and Donna had been all but erased.
Things between them were now clinical. Perfunctory.
So much so that even Mike and Rachel had noticed. Harvey knew because there had been times when Mike had looked on the verge of asking him what was going on, but Harvey had thus far managed to divert the topic of conversation before his friend could broach the issue.
"You can't avoid talking about this forever, you know." Mike had said the last time he'd tried it.
Harvey ignored him.
In the past week, however, things had seemingly gone back to normal. Or as close to normal as they could be.
And he had Louis to thank for that.
His friend had bounded into his office at the start of the work week looking far too cheery for a Monday morning and his brain buzzing with the idea of reinstating the office Christmas party.
Harvey's immediate instinct had been to shut it down, but before he could say anything, Donna had bounced out of her chair and into his office, her face blooming with excitement at the prospect of a holiday party. It had been the first time in two weeks that he'd seen her this happy, and he'd missed it. And he couldn't refuse the pleading look she gave him when Louis pressed him for his agreement.
So here they were, in the partners' kitchen, hashing out the details of a party which now seemingly included ugly Christmas sweaters.
Which Donna had inexplicably thought was a good idea.
It was like he didn't know her anymore.
And suddenly, it was all too much.
Her confession. His dread. Her silence. His uncertainty.
He stood up, his mug clattering noisily against the countertop.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the playful expression slide off Donna's face and morph into one of concern.
"Harvey." She started, her hand reaching out towards him. "I was just…"
He shook his head, stepping back and avoiding her touch.
"I can't do this right now. I'm going home."
He ignored Donna and Louis calling after him, his steps quickening as he hurried towards the elevator.
Later that night, in the darkness of his bedroom, he sat in the regret of his actions. He'd acted like a petulant child - storming off when things weren't going his way.
She hadn't deserved that. He owed her an apology. He debated calling her when in true Donna-fashion she beat him to the punch as his screen lit up with a message from her.
D: I talked Louis out of the sweaters.
H: Good.
D: I was just teasing, you know. I was never going to let Louis go that far.
H: I know. I'm sorry I snapped at you.
D: That's OK. It's a pity though.
H: Why?
D: You could totally pull off an ugly sweater.
H: In your dreams, Paulsen.
D: My very pleasant dreams.
H: Goodnight, Donna. We'll talk tomorrow.
D: Sure thing. Goodnight.
He was about to switch the screen off when a bubble with three dots appeared next to her name again.
He watched and waited.
The bubble disappeared.
Whatever it was she was going to say, she'd decided not to.
He switched the screen off, plunging the room into darkness again. He rolled away from the nightstand, facing the empty side of his bed.
Then his phone lit up again.
D: I miss us.
He sighed.
H: I miss us, too.
༺ ༻✦༺ ༻
Present day: Donna
"Hey, it's the belle of the ball!" Mike said, looking over Donna's shoulder.
Donna whipped around eagerly at Mike's quip. Her face split into a smile as she caught sight of the man who wasn't ever far from her thoughts.
However, as she registered the apprehension on his face, a giggle escaped her. She watched as his expression soon morphed into relief and then pleasure as he took in the understated but cheerful scene.
Mission accomplished, she thought, as pride flooded her chest. She knew that a part of Harvey's reticence had been the prospect of making a positive impression on the other partners as a prospective managing partner.
Harvey had left the planning to her and Louis after that night in the kitchen, probably unwilling to chance losing his patience altogether at Louis' outlandish suggestions.
He had said as much to her when he'd come in the next day, bearing coffee and cronuts from her favorite bakery.
She'd eyed the second bag in his hand as she took the cronuts from him.
"For Louis." he'd answered her unasked question. "Marshmallows."
She raised her eyebrows and he shrugged.
"He says they remind him of Tara. Don't ask how."
The expression on his face piqued her curiosity even more, but she refrained nonetheless.
"That's nice of you, Harvey." she'd said, gently. "If you ask me, the reindeer costumes and this whole thing is just a way for him to distract himself from their breakup."
"I figured as much. Hence…" He indicated the bag in his hand.
Shaking her head at the memory, she stepped quietly next to Harvey who appeared similarly lost in thought as she had been moments ago.
"Hey," she said, snickering when she saw him jump slightly in his place.
"You know, I really hate it when you do that, right?"
"I know. That's why I keep doing it," she retorted, placing her palm on his arm and squeezing it.
"Touché." He smirked, before adding. "This whole place looks gorgeous. You pulled it off. "
"I'm Donna," she said, placing her hands on her hips and fixing him with a glare. "Did you think I wouldn't?"
"I don't know," he quipped, meeting her glare with a side glance.
"Thin ice," she pointed a finger, warningly in his direction. "Really thin ice."
"Sorry."
They stood in silence for a while, before Donna broke it with a low chuckle.
"What?"
"Look," she pointed to a space next to the Christmas tree.
And as he did, he noticed that the space was strangely devoid of people. People appeared to be deliberately rounding the area, as though it were cordoned off by an invisible barrier.
"What is going on?"
Donna rolled her eyes. "Take a good look again."
And then he noticed it hanging from one of the strands of lights above the tree.
"Mistletoe." Harvey raised his eyebrow.
"Louis' idea," Donna said, shaking her head and nudging his side. "I couldn't veto all his ideas, you know. This is his party, too."
"And that was the one you chose to keep."
"Would you rather I kept the fugly sweaters?"
"God, no," he shuddered, turning to fully face her, his gaze taking her in. "You look beau… really nice."
Donna swallowed and looked down, her hands smoothing the green fabric down.
Did he recognize the dress?
"Thanks," she raised her head and smiled. "You clean up pretty good, too."
And he truly did. Clad in a custom Tom Ford tuxedo, he was devastatingly handsome.
"Come on, pretty. Let's get you a drink," she said, slipping her hand into the crook of his arm and nodding towards the drinks bar. "And then you need to go mingle."
"Do I have to?"
She shot him a look, "You know you have to. We've talked about this. Come the new year, you are the sole managing partner, Harvey. That's a given. You need to start playing nice with the other partners if you even want a chance for this firm to continue standing."
He nodded and Donna saw his mouth tighten with anxiety.
She squeezed Harvey's arm again.
"She'd be proud of you. You know that, right?"
He didn't reply.
"Donna's right, Harvey."
They both turned to see Louis who had sidled up beside them, a glass of mulled wine clutched in his hands.
"Thank you, Louis," he said, and Donna squeezed his arm again.
.
.
True to his word to her, Harvey did as she'd asked. She watched as he worked the crowd, effortlessly sliding in and out of conversations with the partners and associates.
"Doth mine eyes deceive me? Harvey "I work alone" Specter is actually being sociable with the partners."
Donna let out a snort before shooting a quelling glance at the speaker.
Mike grinned as he stepped back, his hands raised in surrender. "Sorry."
"You should be and by the way, if he liked 'working alone', you wouldn't be standing here, Junior and you know it."
"Fair," Mike said, a note of contriteness in his voice. "I really am sorry."
"Good." She continued to watch Harvey, smirking as he stepped up to Paul Porter, his Cheshire grin firmly in place.
"This should be interesting," Mike murmured.
"You don't say."
A few minutes in, she watched as the crusty senior partner stepped back from Harvey, his mouth moving in what was evidently a barb. Harvey, to his credit, kept his smile firmly in place as he responded to the older man, but Donna could tell that his response had struck their target when the man reached up to tug at his bow tie, glaring after Harvey as he moved away.
"That looked like it went well." Mike's voice was laced with laughter
"Shut up, Mike."
There was a short pause before Mike spoke again.
"You know, I'm glad you and Harvey are back to normal again."
Donna darted a nervous glance at him.
"I don't know what you mean."
"Come on, Donna. You know Rachel tells me stuff, right?"
"Did Rachel tell you or were you listening in on our phone calls, Mike?"
He looked caught.
"The latter," he mumbled. "But that doesn't mean I didn't know that things were weird. I notice things, you know."
"What things?"
"Donna, come on. Do you know how long it's been since the two of you tag-teamed to give me shit like you've always done?"
Donna shook her head.
"Too long." Mike continued. "There had even been a few times when I deliberately said something obtuse in the hopes of getting a rise out of you two - but I got nothing."
"I didn't realize it was that obvious." Donna sighed; her gaze still locked on Harvey.
"So, are you?"
"Are we what?"
"Back to normal."
Were they back to normal?
Donna wasn't sure.
There were many things she wasn't sure of these days if she was being honest.
The past two weeks had her questioning nearly everything she'd deemed important.
Her job. Her abilities. Her innate Donna-ness.
There is no way in hell I'm getting into business with a career legal secretary.
Overhearing those investors had just been the beginning of what she now viewed as an exercise in failure. Everything had gone downhill after that, culminating in a buyout offer she hadn't been willing to take.
And it had stung knowing that people would never look at her as anything more than a legal secretary. No matter how much reassurance she had from those around her - that she was more than a legal secretary - she couldn't shake her despondency.
She needed to make herself more. She still wasn't sure what that was, but it had to be more than a legal secretary.
At least, that was what she had told herself that night when she'd told Harvey she needed more.
But then, Rachel had come over a few nights later.
And then everything changed.
.
.
A month earlier:
"Hi!"
Donna smiled as she opened the door to Rachel's cheery greeting.
"Rachel. I didn't think I'd see you on a Friday night after seven."
"Well, Mike's with Harvey working on the Stillman briefs. And I was bored, so I decided I'd come and bother you instead."
"Nice try," the older woman smirked. "That's not why you're here."
"OK, fine. I've just been worried about you. You have been… distant these past few days."
"I see Louis told you what happened," she said, stepping aside to let her friend in.
"Yep, so here I am," Rachel said, producing a bottle of wine from her bag. "I also ordered pizza."
"Gianno's?"
"Naturally," Rachel grinned as Donna took the bottle from her. "With yellow tomatoes."
"Perfect," Donna said. "Make yourself comfortable."
"Sweet," Rachel said, plopping herself on the couch, and turning to look at the redhead as she moved into the kitchen to open the bottle. "So, how are you really?"
"I'm… OK," Donna said, as she poured out the wine. "I guess I got my hopes impossibly high with 'The Donna'. I thought this could be the beginning of something special, you know. Something that was uniquely mine. I don't know… Maybe, a legal secretary is all I'm cut out to be."
"That's not true," Rachel said, shaking her head furiously. "You are so much more than that. Every single one of us owes…"
"... so much to you," Donna let out a scoff. "Do you know how many times I've heard that spiel?"
"It's not a spiel," Rachel said, a note of hurt entering her voice.
"No, no," she said quickly. "That's not what I meant, Rachel. I know what I'm fully capable of. I know what my worth is. And yet…"
Rachel stayed silent. It was clear she knew what the unspoken words were.
"I need more," Donna said. "I deserve that. I know I can do so much more."
"You do. You can," Rachel said, squeezing the redhead's arm. "Have you told Harvey that?"
"I did."
"And…?" Rachel's eyes went wide.
"He asked me what that meant."
"What did you tell him?"
"I told him I needed to figure it out."
"Why? Why not tell him what you just told me? Surely, he will understand. He owes you that much after everything you've done for him."
Donna didn't answer.
Rachel placed her glass on the table and scooched closer to her friend.
"Donna, what is going on?"
Donna raised her head, "You should have seen his face when I asked for more, Rachel."
"What do you mean?"
"He looked terrified. And that makes me terrified."
"Of what?" Rachel frowned.
"Of what this could do to him."
Rachel's expression transformed into one of realization.
"You're scared he'll have panic attacks again," Rachel shook her head, looking hesitant. "Look, I'm going to say something, and you can get mad at me if you want… but it needs to be said."
Donna smiled wryly, "You're gonna tell me I need to stop putting Harvey first all the time."
"Well, yes. Besides, he'd have Mike and Louis and even me. We'll look after him, Donna."
"I know."
"And, if your 'more' somehow still involves our firm, it might not be as difficult as before, surely? He's changed. Mike's noticed it. Even I've noticed it."
"He has. I know he has."
"So, what is the hold...," Rachel paused, looking at her intently. "Unless thatis the holdup."
"What?"
"That he's changed."
Donna shook her head, "I have no idea…"
"You know exactly what I'm talking about. You aren't just afraid that he'd find it difficult to let you go - you're also afraid that this time, it would be easier for him to let you go. Because he's changed."
"What do you mean? "
"I mean it feels like that deep down, you don't want to let him go. And the thought of him, maybe, not needing you anymore terrifies you. Am I close?"
Donna let out a noise of frustration and stood up, "How did you get so good at this?"
"I have a good teacher. So, am I close?"
Donna sighed and sat back down.
"Yes and no. It is true that I'm scared he'd react poorly. But, it's more that I feel stuck."
"What do you mean?"
"It's like you said, Rach. He's been different. With me. With us."
"Different how?"
"I can't put a finger on it. Ever since he got back from Boston, things have been changing between us. Not in a very profound way or anything, but there's a difference to the way he is when we're alone together."
"Oh, my God." Rachel's mouth had dropped slightly open.
Donna sighed before continuing.
"And you know, I kept telling myself that we are past any feelings, especially after last year when I went to work for Louis. But what if I'm not?"
"Donna, are you saying what I think you're saying? That you have feel… "
"No! Yes! Maybe. I don't know, Rachel!" she said, desperation coloring her voice.
There was a brief pause, as Rachel looked sadly at her friend.
"Can I ask you something?" she asked, looking a little apprehensive.
"Yes?"
"When you and Harvey were… on the outs, you started dating someone."
"Mitchell? What about him?"
"You never really told me why you really ended it with him."
"Sure, I did. We both wanted different things. There was no future there."
"You told me he wanted to move in with you. That tells me he wanted to at least build a future."
"What are you getting at?"
"And there was Mark. He was the one you chose Harvey over, even though he was willing to offer it all to you."
"Still not seeing your point."
Rachel shot her an incredulous look.
"Sure, you do. Donna, that's two people who were willing to go the distance. But you bailed on them. Why?"
"I told you. There was no future there."
"There definitely was a future there. You just didn't want it - because that future would have been missing something… or someone."
"Rachel."
"Tell me I'm wrong. You keep putting him even ahead of your relationships, Donna. Why?"
Donna didn't reply immediately. She took a long fortifying sip of her wine.
"I guess, it's because I can't keep myself from wondering," she said, slowly.
"Wondering what?"
"If this thing between me and Harvey is just what it always has been all these years. Just two people who are forever destined to exist around each other without either of us daring to change course. Or…"
"If there's more to it," Rachel finished.
"And that is what I'm scared of finding out. I don't know what Harvey wants. If I did, then maybe I wouldn't feel so… stuck. But if these past few weeks have felt as different to him as they have to me…"
"Then you don't want to miss your chance to find out."
"Right."
"You know what you have to do, then."
Donna took a deep shuddering breath.
"Yes."
"Because you can't keep going this way. One way or the other, you need to start putting yourself first."
"You're right. I have to find out what he wants. What I want. The question is how do I do it."
They hadn't come to any definite answers that night.
.
.
Donna had spent the next few days doing her very best to figure out what to do.
The normal thing to do would have been to just ask Harvey exactly what she wanted to know. But the last time she'd tried that, she'd ended up on a different desk while he was thrown into a spiral of panic.
She couldn't chance that anymore. And so, she continued existing in her bubble of uncertainty while Harvey seemingly gave her a wide berth.
Until Louis had proposed the office Christmas party and just like that, things between her and Harvey appeared to be on the mend again and they were back to a semblance of their usual dynamic.
Or so she'd thought until Harvey's outburst in the partners' kitchen and she was forcefully reminded that things weren't back to normal. She'd been taken aback when he had snapped at her seeming endorsement of those stupid sweaters.
Harvey always knew when she was teasing and had always given as good as he got - but this time, he hadn't. He'd flounced out, ignoring her calls - and she hadn't felt up to going after him.
She'd instead stayed back and talked Louis out of the idea - calling him out on his extreme reaction to his breakup with Tara. Louis had finally broken down in tears, and a prunie and a scotch later, she'd sent him home after extracting a promise that he left all the party planning to her.
Later that night, she'd texted Harvey and though the words they'd exchanged had been light and even teasing, she could sense a distance in their tone.
I miss us.
I miss us, too.
She couldn't shake the feeling that the longer she went without figuring this - them - out, the further she risked losing him for good.
༺ ༻✦༺ ༻
Present Day: Harvey
About an hour into the party, Harvey felt all talked out. Making nice with the partners had always been Jessica's forte - she made it look effortless, while he was already struggling.
It had taken every ounce of self-control in him to not put his fist through Paul Porter's smug face or whatshisface from Contracts.
He needed another drink and…
"Hey."
He smiled as Donna materialized next to him, holding out a glass of champagne.
"Hey."
"You looked like you needed a break."
"I do," he muttered, taking a large gulp of his drink.
"Whoa, easy there. You're not twenty, anymore."
It was his turn to glare at her.
"Old man jokes? You've been spending too much time with Mike. And I'll remind you, we're the same age, you and I."
"Please, you know I never age."
He shook his head.
"I don't know how she did it."
"Jessica?" Donna frowned. "You grow into these things. You did good today, you know."
"I'm not so sure."
"Harvey. You'll get the hang of it, I promise. I have faith in you, remember."
The words, familiar and comforting, settled over him, and he met her eyes.
"I do," he said gently. "I don't know if I'd have made it through these weeks if you didn't."
"Well, you won't have to worry about that," she replied, dropping her gaze from his.
Yet. His ever-treacherous mind supplied.
He forced the thought away, refocusing on the woman next to him. He could see a blush covering her cheeks even under the soft light.
God, she was beautiful.
And not for the first time, he felt the urge to pull her into his arms and…
"There you two are."
Harvey groaned internally as Mike stepped up next to them, Rachel in tow.
"Mike." he gritted, trying not to let his annoyance show.
"Harvey." Mike said, grinning. "You done schmoozing the partners, old man? Because it's time to get this party started. I mean look around. No one's dancing." He swayed a little in his spot.
"Easy there, Patrick Swayze. It's not that kind of party." Harvey put a hand out to stop him and indicated the peppermint martini in Mike's hand. "Just how many of those have you had?"
"He's had three," Rachel answered for him. "I think."
"Lightweight," Harvey said, shaking his head.
"Am not." Mike gasped, looking offended. "But I mean, why rent out this huge gorgeous space if you're not gonna have dancing?"
"Because I deemed it so," Donna interjected, reaching out to snatch Mike's glass. "We're cutting you off."
"Hey!" Mike protested. "You can't do that."
"I can," she sassed back. "Let's get some food into you. Rachel doesn't need to drag your deadweight home tonight. Come on, I asked one of the organizers to set up a space for the senior partners in one of the private lounges, away from this lot."
They all moved to follow Donna, and as they reached the back of the room, Mike let out a small whoop.
"Ooh!"
Both he and Donna stopped in their tracks, turning to look at him.
"What?" Donna asked.
Mike pointed over their heads, and Harvey felt his heart jump into his throat.
Mistletoe.
Hanging straight above his and Donna's heads in the doorway that led to the private lounge.
Well, shit.
He frowned, wondering why there was a second mistletoe here in the back when there was a prominent one being actively avoided in the center of the room.
"You know what that means," Mike said. "Pucker up, you two. No getting out of it."
Harvey shot a glare at Mike.
"Did you put this up here, Mike?"
"No," Mike said. "When would I have even had the chance?"
"Mike," Rachel hissed. "Don't."
She was watching Donna and Harvey realized his secretary hadn't said a word, yet.
He turned to look at Donna who was watching him with an inscrutable expression on her face. Her eyes had gone wide, but her face showed no anxiety.
There was something else, however, and he couldn't quite decipher it.
"Look, Donna, we don't have to…"
He'd barely gotten the words when her arms slipped around his neck, enveloping him completely in her embrace before her lips crashed against his.
Shock and pleasure shot through him as his palms fell to her waist, gripping tightly and he felt himself respond automatically to the pressure of her lips. He felt her tongue swipe briefly against his top lip, and he let her deepen the kiss.
He was kissing Donna Paulsen. God, he had wanted to kiss her for so long.
The feelings, so long buried, pushed their way to the surface electrifying his skin and sparking a new hope in his heart.
Maybe this was her more. Them. Together. Like this.
He felt a soft groan rumble in his chest when he felt her fingers slip up to the back of his head, her nails scraping gently against the short hairs there. She was gently easing them out of the kiss, and Harvey felt her fingers move to the side of his face, her thumb stroking gently against his cheek before she pulled away.
Harvey kept his eyes closed, unwilling to break the moment just yet. He felt a gentle pressure, as her thumb swiped the skin just under his eyes - an unspoken request to open them.
So, he did and found himself staring into a dark swirling pool of greens and browns. And just like that he knew - or rather he realized what he'd always known.
He loved her. He'd always loved her. She was his more.
"Donna…" his voice came out in a soft, trembling whisper.
Her hand dropped to the lapel of his coat - she still hadn't broken their gaze.
Please say something.
He saw her open her mouth, and close it again. Harvey looked into her eyes again and felt his heart hammer in his chest…
…before it dropped straight into his stomach as she stepped back.
No.
Her eyes were suddenly filled with tears.
"I'm so sorry," she said. "I shouldn't have done that. This was a mistake."
And before he could say a word, she had turned on her heel and ran.
Every instinct in him was screaming at him to stop her, yet, his feet couldn't move. Hurt and pain - deep, soul-crushing pain - kept them weighed down. He dimly registered Rachel turning to go after her friend, but in the confused haze of his mind, all he could hear on repeat were her parting words.
I'm so sorry, Harvey. This was a mistake.
A mistake.
He felt the spark of hope that had previously glowed deep and bright, ready to burst into a glorious fire, dim and fizzle out.
"Harvey," a gentle voice broke through the haze. "Are you alright?"
Harvey met the worried gaze of his best friend.
As he was about to answer Mike, he became aware of the small audience around him. He took in the looks of shock and even pity on the faces of the few associates and partners who had witnessed this spectacle.
He raised his hand to pinch the bridge of his nose, as shame trickled into the flood of heartbreak and anger flowing through his veins.
"I can't be here," he said, again looking at Mike. "I just can't."
"Harvey… wait. Do you want to talk about this?"
"Not now, Mike." To his horror, he felt a few tears slip out. "I have to go."
And he took off, keeping his eyes firmly on his feet. He could hear Mike following him, calling after him, but he ignored him - intent on getting the hell out of there.
As he reached the front of the venue, he bumped into Rachel.
He made to go past her, but she caught his arm, briefly. He shook it off.
"Harvey, wait! " she said, running after him. "Please."
He stopped and she met him just outside the doors, Mike behind her.
"I know it looks really bad right now. But please don't hate her for this," she said.
Harvey laughed humorlessly.
"That's the problem, Rachel. I couldn't even if I tried."
༺ ༻✦༺ ༻
Present Day: Donna
Donna stood at the curb, her hand held out, desperately hoping she would flag a cab down before anyone - he - caught up with her.
She looked behind her, scanning the doors of the building anxiously.
Would he follow her? Did she hope he would follow her?
She wasn't sure.
"Donna!"
The redhead sighed - partly in relief and partly in annoyance - as her best friend caught up with her just as a cab pulled up next to them.
"Not now, Rachel."
"Donna…"
"Please," she said, as she opened the cab door. "I don't have any explanations to give yet."
"No, that's not what I want," Rachel said. "I just want to know if you're alright. Do you want me to come with you?"
Donna smiled gratefully.
"No, that's fine, Rachel," she said. "I'll be fine. I just need to be by myself."
"OK," Rachel stepped back, as Donna climbed into the cab. "Call me if you need anything, OK?"
Once she was ensconced in the safety of the cab, Donna leaned her head against the seat, before bringing her fingers to her lips. She could still taste him on them - a heady combination of scotch, peppermint, and something that was uniquely Harvey.
She had taken a gamble. Adding the mistletoe in the back of the room had been a touch of genius arising from an offhand quip from Rachel.
.
.
One week earlier:
"You still haven't told him?"
"I'm working towards it, Rachel. It's not that easy."
"Donna, it's never going to be easy. But it's been close to a month."
"I know. But I now have this Christmas party to plan."
"As a distraction," Rachel smirked, nudging her friend's arm.
"Rachel." Donna huffed, a note of reproach in her voice.
"Sorry."
"Although, between Louis' exuberance and Harvey's grumpiness," she rolled her eyes, "Making a life-altering decision might be a lot easier."
Rachel laughed as she leaned over her friend's shoulder.
"You're planning the decorations," she looked down at Donna's checklist. "Wait, mistletoe. Really?"
"Louis." Donna shrugged. "I already had to veto his Winter Wonderland idea. Besides, I'm sure people will give it a wide berth because it won't be missable. I'll make sure of that."
Rachel giggled.
"I might not be averse to getting Mike under it."
"Please, it's more like he wouldn't be averse to it."
"True," Rachel conceded and then winked. "And maybe you won't be opposed to catching Harvey under it, either."
"What?" Donna frowned. "Rach…"
"I was kidding," her friend said, giggling and patting her arm. "Or was I?"
Donna glared.
"Kidding, it is."
.
.
Rachel had been kidding.
For some reason, though, the idea had stuck with her.
She had tried and failed multiple times to broach a conversation with Harvey largely due to her faltering confidence. The other factor was the fact that Harvey didn't like to be cornered into a conversation, as she knew all too well. That wasn't to say the man couldn't use his words - but it had always been of his own volition.
But, where he could not voluntarily put his feelings into words, he sure could speak volumes with his actions. And that was the key.
It had to be.
God, it was risky.
But it was, she decided, her only recourse.
One kiss that could tell her everything and possibly, leave her with nothing.
And if things went sideways, she could always blame the mistletoe. And the drinks.
However, kissing Harvey under the mistletoe in the center of the party - in plain view of all their colleagues - was out of the question. It was bad enough that their relationship was the source of speculation and rumors.
So, she'd added a second sprig putting it in a place where no one would notice it unless they were actively seeking it. They would still be seen by some of the party-goers, but it was still a better call than having all eyes on them.
Now, all she'd needed to do was lead Harvey there, which she'd managed with little effort - knowing that he'd be eager to get away from the crowd.
It didn't take long for Mike to spot it - she pointedly ignored the sharp look Rachel had thrown her. She waited until Harvey was looking at her, bewilderment written all over his face.
And then she lunged.
Her lips, deliberate and demanding, met his, pliant and yielding. Time ceased to have meaning as she pulled him in, meeting a hesitant resistance at first before his fingers fell to her waist and his lips parted slightly and…
… then she knew.
This was everything she'd wanted. She wanted a new future and she wanted to step into it with him.
She felt Harvey let out a small groan when her tongue briefly met his. She let her fingers fall to the nape of his neck and…
Did he want the same? What if this kiss was just an instinctive reaction on his part?
And just like that, her ever-present paranoia when it came to Harvey decided to make its grand entrance.
She needed to look at him.
As she gently parted from him, she noticed his eyes were still closed, a slight furrow in his brow.
Open your eyes, Harvey.
The deep chocolate brown pools gazed back at her and she swallowed at the emotion she knew she had seen there before.
He was afraid. Of what?
"Donna…," his voice was shaky to her ears.
He wasn't ready.
And she wasn't ready to hear him say that she'd made a mistake. She needed to let him know she was sorry before he could tell her they were done.
Feeling her eyes prick with tears, she stepped back.
"I'm so sorry, Harvey. I shouldn't have done that. This was a mistake."
༺ ༻✦༺ ༻
Present Day: Harvey
Contrary to his original intent of drinking himself to sleep, he'd instead found himself out on his balcony nursing a single finger of scotch. The cold New York winter air bit into his skin as he gazed unseeingly at the lights of the city.
The sting of Donna's parting words still pulsed under his skin.
But more than that the pain of his realization that he'd completely misinterpreted everything that had transpired between them since Jessica's departure tore at him - admonishing him and mocking him for even daring to hope.
I don't get involved with men I work with.
Her rule - it always came down to it, one that only ever seemed to apply only to him. Because there had been Stephen Huntley who she had broken her rule for, even if he had turned out to be a murderer.
But then, she'd asked him for more - challenging him to define his feelings for her - and he'd bailed like the scared coward that he was.
So how could he have been so presumptuous to imagine that she'd want anything to do with him after that?
He was the only one to blame. He had his answer to the question he'd asked her that night.
What do you mean "more"?
Her more didn't involve him and it definitely didn't involve her staying at his desk or possibly, even the firm.
And yet, it had been her that had kissed him.
He'd been willing to overlook the damn parasitic sprig but Donna clearly hadn't. He couldn't even dismiss it as a mere reaction to tradition - she didn't have to do it, only to end up calling it a mistake.
So, what was that all about? The woman was a damn walking conundrum
He sighed, draining the last of his scotch and as he headed back to his living room, his phone buzzed.
Seeing the caller, he smiled for the first time that night.
"Hey, mom,"
"Harvey!" His mother sounded excited. "I was just calling to confirm if your plans to come down here for Christmas are still on. You said you'd let us know."
"They are," Harvey smiled.
"Good," his mother replied, her voice catching with emotion. "It'll also make your brother happy. And the kids."
"I hope so," he said quietly. "I can't wait."
There was a pause over the line before his mother replied.
"Is everything alright? Did I catch you at a bad time?"
"What makes you ask?"
"Harvey, we may not have talked in a while, but that doesn't mean I still can't tell when my son's feeling down."
He stayed quiet.
"Do you want to tell me about it?" Lily asked a tentative note in her voice.
"Maybe," he said, collapsing into one of his chairs. "Do you remember when I told you that someone special had convinced me to…"
"I remember. I owe her so much."
"Yes," he said. "So do I - her name is…"
"Donna," his mother finished.
"How did you…?"
"Harvey, your father always told me what was going on with you. And after he was gone, your brother did. And no one figured more in their stories than this beautiful redhead who is possibly the love…"
"Mom," he interrupted. "It isn't like that."
"But you want it to be."
"I… yes."
"So, what's stopping you? Tell me what happened."
His mother listened as he recounted the events of the past month.
"So, she doesn't feel that way about me. Or at least I don't think she does," he concluded, miserably.
"I wouldn't say that," his mother said, slowly. "From everything I've heard about Donna and from what you've told me, she seems like someone who wouldn't do anything without a good reason. If she kissed you, that was a deliberate choice and probably nothing to do with the mistletoe. You just have to find out why."
"How?" he asked. "She said it was a mistake, Mom."
"I can't tell you why she would say that, honey. But, as a woman, I can tell you that it won't be as simple as her not feeling the same way. There has to be a reason why she asked you for more, and then continued to stay at your desk for almost a month after that."
"What do you mean?"
"You told me she's kept you waiting for so long without an answer - but it just might be that she's waiting, as well."
"For what?"
"For answers from you."
"Mom, she hasn't asked me anything. What answer could I give her?"
"Maybe, she's afraid to ask them. That's what you need to find out."
"I'm not sure how."
"This may sound a bit rich coming from me, Harvey," his mother let out a low chuckle. "But talk to her. Talk to Donna."
There was a pause and then his mother continued.
"You'll figure it out, Harvey. You always do."
"Thanks, mom."
After they hung up, Harvey sat back in his chair for a short while, his mind whirling. Then he looked down at his phone again.
He had one more phone call to make before the night ended.
.
.
"Wow, you look like shit."
Harvey looked up from the document he was perusing to glare at the intruder.
"Uh, thanks?" he dropped his gaze back to the paper.
"And you're here early."
"So?" he asked, not looking up.
"Soooo?" Mike repeated slowly, before plopping himself down in a chair. "You're never here this early. Especially, never before Donna."
He indicated the empty cubicle behind him.
Harvey sighed. "She called in sick this morning."
It didn't take a genius to figure out why and it had taken everything in him to stop himself from calling her back to hash it all out.
"Oh," Mike said. "I guess you expected that."
"Yep. Anyway, I had some things I needed to take care of," the older lawyer shrugged, before folding and sliding the document he'd been reading into an envelope.
"What's that?"
"Nothing you need to worry about," Harvey pursed his lips. "What are you doing here, Mike?"
"Well, I just wanted to see how you were after… everything."
Harvey smiled and leaned back in his chair.
"I'm OK, Mike. I'm still confused about some things. But I'm OK."
"You sure?"
"Yes."
"So, are we gonna talk about it?"
"OK, fine. For starters, I'd love to know who put the damn mistletoe there in the first place."
"I already told you it wasn't me. And it wasn't Rachel," he said, rolling his eyes. " Come on, Harvey. It's so obvious. Who do you think put it there?"
"What?"
"Harvey. There was exactly one person who was in charge of the decorations. Do you really think anyone could get past Donna with a second mistletoe?"
Harvey held up his hand, confusion writ large on his face.
"This makes no sense, Mike. Donna put the mistletoe there? Why?"
"Why? It's mistletoe."
"You're not suggesting she planned that kiss."
"Oh, I am," Mike said, smirking.
"Dammit, Mike. This isn't funny," Harvey said, feeling wrong-footed. "But why?"
"Because she wanted to find out."
Both men turned to look at Rachel, who was standing in the doorway, a nervous expression on her face.
Harvey exchanged a glance at Mike who kept his face blank.
Narrowing his eyes, he fixed them both with a glare.
"Find out what? What are you two not telling me?"
"For the record, I had no clue about what transpired last night," Mike said, looking scared.
"Neither did I," Rachel said, quickly.
"But you just said… Rachel," Harvey let out an exhausted sigh. "What's going on?"
"Look," She moved closer and settled into the chair next to Mike. "Donna will probably kill me for telling you anything, but after what you said last night…"
That's the problem, Rachel. I couldn't (hate her) even if I tried.
Harvey stayed silent.
"Did you mean what you said?" Rachel asked, again.
"You know I did, Rachel," Harvey said, swallowing hard and sitting back down.
"Good," Rachel nodded. "That's what I thought, too."
"Rachel, please. What's going on?"
"Look," she said, leaning forward. "I couldn't tell you why Donna did what she did last night. It's confusing to me, too."
"Right. Then tell me what you can tell me. Because, Rachel… This is killing me."
After about ten minutes of listening, Harvey leaned back. His head was whirling.
"Those bastards," he said, referring to the investors. "I'd love to see how smug they'll be when I inform them that Pearson Specter Litt will no longer represent them."
Rachel sighed, "I don't think Donna would want that. But, they're not entirely wrong either. She is still just a legal secretary."
"I know," He tapped the envelope on his desk. "I do know that, believe me."
Rachel's eyes widened, "Oh, my God. Is that…? When did you do that?"
Harvey smiled sadly. "Last night. I mean, look, I'm not that blind, Rachel. Even without everything you've told me, it's clear what she wants.I spoke to Louis last night and he agreed."
"And you'll be OK with that?" Rachel asked, gently.
"Yes, or at least, I will be."
"And you know, whatever Donna decides, Harvey," Mike added, quietly. "You'll have us."
"I know," Harvey nodded.
"And the um… other thing?" Rachel asked, quietly.
"Well, I think she already has her answer, there, don't you think? Considering she called it a mistake?"
Mike and Rachel exchanged glances.
"Talk to her, Harvey," Rachel said, standing up. "You both owe each other that."
It was the second time in a few hours that he'd gotten the same advice.
Talk to her.
༺ ༻✦༺ ༻
Present Day: Donna
Donna had woken up the next morning with a pit in her stomach and a dull headache. She hadn't slept all that well - thoughts of facing Harvey and meeting his potential anger and hurt kept her up.
She wasn't ready to face him today. She needed time to sit with her regret and her pain.
And so, when her usual alarm rang, she stayed put in bed, reaching for her phone to text Harvey.
D: I won't be in today, Harvey. I'm feeling a little under the weather.
A few seconds later, her phone chimed.
H: OK.
She felt her throat pinch with hurt, as tears welled up in her eyes.
Before all of this, she had called in sick exactly twice - and both times he had called her back. It was always under the guise of needing something, but she'd heard the concern in his voice.
And so, a short perfunctory "OK" had stung, even as another part of her recognized that she should have expected that.
She threw her phone back on the side table and slipped back down under the covers, and let out a sob.
.
.
A few hours of fitful sleep later, Donna found herself on the couch with a bowl of cereal and coffee, and her phone.
There were a number of missed calls from Louis and a message from Rachel.
R: Donna, talk to Harvey. Please.
Donna felt a surge of annoyance at her friend.
Why was it always on her to take the first step…
She stopped the thought in its tracks, knowing it wasn't strictly true. During both their major fallouts, it had been him that had sought her out and put their friendship back on track.
Look, I need you.
Need?
Need.
—
I don't just want to be on decent terms. I want to get back to being friends.
—
Could they go back to being friends? After last night?
She sat heavily back against the couch, wincing as the cereal sloshed in her bowl, some of it dripping onto her pajama shirt.
As she got up to head to the kitchen, she heard it.
Five familiar knocks that sent her heartbeat skyrocketing as she recognized them.
She felt a pang as she opened the door to Harvey's drawn and tired face, knowing she was responsible for that.
"Harvey."
"Donna," he returned, his eyes briefly scanning her figure and raising his eyebrows at the stain on her shirt.
"Rogue cereal," she said, swiping at it.
He let out a short laugh and Donna felt a brief sense of relief course through her as raised her head to his face. His smile didn't quite reach his eyes, but the corners of his mouth had crinkled slightly.
She grinned briefly, "So, um, what are you doing here?"
"I came here to give you this."
She eyed the long white envelope in his hand and took it from him.
"What's this?"
"It's an option. But before you open that, can I come in?" He sounded uncertain.
"Of course," she said, stepping aside.
She waited, curiosity and fear bubbling inside her, while he took off his winter coat and scarf, before following him to her living room.
The tension was palpable as he turned to face her, letting out a deep sigh.
"I don't fully know what I'm doing here, Donna," he said. "But, given this past month… and everything you haven't been telling me… I can't keep going like this."
"I told you I needed to figure it out," she said, feeling defensive at the frustration in his tone.
"It's been a month," he repeated, running a hand through his hair. "A whole month in which we've gone from being distant to being close again… and now back to you avoiding me again. So how long are we gonna go before you finally tell me that you don't want to be my secretary anymore?"
Donna let out a shocked gasp and stepped towards him.
"Harvey…"
"I'm not a fool, Donna."
She shook her head furiously, "No, I… I don't think that."
"Then why? Why didn't you just tell me?"
She stared at him, as defensiveness turned into anger.
"Why? Because I was scared. Not for me, but for you. I could have told you. But then I caught sight of your face. God, you looked terrified. And I remembered what happened the last time I left your desk, Harvey. I couldn't do that to you. Not again."
"Donna…"
"I did it because it's what I always do. Lord help me, because I just don't know how to not keep putting you first. And I wish I did."
She collapsed on the couch behind them and buried her face in her hands.
She heard him take a deep breath and a few moments later, she felt the couch dip with his weight.
"Donna," he said, gently. "Please look at me."
She did, and he took the envelope that she'd dropped next to her.
"Open it," he said.
As she scanned the contents, she looked at him, confusion and hurt blooming on her face.
"This is a resignation letter."
"It is," he said, watching her carefully.
"You're firing me?"
"No! I could never fire you," he said, sadly. "But I also don't want to hold you back anymore."
Donna stared wordlessly - surprise and shock had robbed her of any ability to say anything coherent.
"You were right. You've put me first for years and it's high time I recognized that. You deserve everything and then some. So, that's what this is. It's an option. If you want to resign, you can. If you want to stay, then we can figure out a position for you. Either way, it's all up to you, Donna. Whatever you decide, you'll have my backing. I promise."
"I see," she said, not meeting his eyes.
This was what she'd wanted, right?
So why did it feel like her insides had shriveled up?
You're also afraid that this time, it would be easier for him to let you go.
"I guess I have some more thinking to do," she said, after a beat. "And you? You'll be alright?"
"Yes, I will be," his voice sounded small in her ears. "But, like I said, this isn't about me, anymore."
She turned to look at him, and he looked away, but not before she caught the utter heartbreak on his face.
"Harvey."
He stood up.
"I have to go."
She gasped, the familiarity of this situation knocking the wind out of her.
Those words. Those three same fucking words.
The same damn couch.
Him.
Her.
"No."
"Excuse me?"
Donna startled as she realized she had said the last thought out loud.
She stood up as well.
"No," she repeated. "You're not going anywhere."
He shook his head, as his expression turned frantic. "I can't stay."
"Yes, you can," she said, stepping closer to him.
"I can't," he reiterated, stepping back from her.
"Why not?" she gripped his arm.
"Because, if I stay, I'll say something that you don't want to hear."
"Harvey," she said, her voice breaking. "I always want to hear what you have to say."
"No, you don't," he said.
"Why do you think that?"
He didn't reply.
"Harvey," she said, tugging on his arm. "Please."
He faced her finally, and Donna felt her heart crack in two at the brokenness in his eyes.
"Because, I don't want to hear you tell me it's a mistake, again."
Oh, shit. He'd got this all wrong.
She'd got this all wrong.
"Why did you do that, Donna? The mistletoe."
"Who told…"
"Mike did," he said. "But, for some reason, I never put that together. Because I never thought you'd… do that."
"Harvey, I'm sorry."
"Why kiss me like that only to tell me it was a mistake?"
"Harvey…"
"It would have been kinder to just tell me that you didn't feel that way about me. It wasn't like I didn't already know that I didn't figure anywhere in your 'more'."
"That's not…"
"And why would I?" He continued, clearly having not heard her. "When I ran like a craven bastard the last time we were here. But I don't deserve to have my feelings toyed with just so you could what…? Tell me it will never be like that with us?"
She swallowed hard, regret pooling in her stomach at the sheer pain in his voice.
Had she really got this all wrong?
She closed the distance between them, getting as much into his personal space as she could, while keeping a hand on his arm.
She wasn't going to let him push her away again.
"Harvey, look at me. Please," she added when he didn't and he slowly did as she asked. "Good. Now I want you to listen carefully, alright?"
"Donna…"
She squeezed his arm, and he swallowed, closing his mouth again.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I made you think that kissing you was a mistake. Because it never was. It could never be a mistake."
"So why…?"
"I said it was a mistake because I feared that I'd ruined any semblance of a friendship between us once I saw the look in your eyes."
"What look?"
"The same way you looked when I told you I wanted more. You looked terrified. Of this. Of the very thought of us being more."
"I looked terrified because I was terrified, Donna. Terrified that I was losing you. That I'd misread everything that was happening between us, especially in the recent months. That you regretted last night's kiss when all I wanted was for it to never stop."
And there it was. She really had got this all wrong.
She was Donna. She knew how to read people. So how had she been so wrong about one person she thought she knew better than most?
She let out a sigh, "You really are an idiot, you know that. But then so am I."
"Donna… you're not an idiot."
"Oh, but I am," she said. "Because I've possibly failed at the one thing I'm supposed to be good at. Reading you."
His brow furrowed, "What are you saying?"
Time to stop talking in riddles, Paulsen. Time to be direct
"I'm saying… No. I'm asking actually. Did you feel anything when I kissed you last night?"
She still needed to be sure.
"What do you think, Donna?" he said. "How could I not?"
"Why?" she asked, willing him to give her a different answer this time.
The correct answer.
The one she really wanted to hear.
Harvey looked at her, and Donna knew that he was struck by the same sense that had hit her before. She watched as his expression cleared, and when he met her gaze this time, she felt her knees weaken at the intensity in his eyes.
"You know why," he said, a slow smile growing across his face.
She tilted her head, letting him know she wasn't amused.
It was his turn to tilt his head, as he dropped his hand over hers on his arm. "You know I love you, Donna."
"Love me…"
"In all the ways," he said, before she could finish. "In every way."
Donna let out a tearful gasp, as his fingers gently removed hers off his arms, before they encircled her waist.
Her arms landed on his shoulder, and he waited.
And she was done keeping him waiting.
"I love you, too, Harvey," she said. "In all the ways."
And then, his lips were on hers - soft and gentle at first - drawing her closer and deeper into the kiss, until she felt his knees bend and her feet leave the ground as he lifted her to him.
They were lost in each other, allowing their lips and hands to express everything they'd ever felt - love, longing and desire. They broke their kiss briefly to rid themselves of her long woolen sweater and his suit jacket, allowing them to pool around their feet.
Donna gasped, as Harvey's hands slid down to her shorts, the tip of his fingers grazing the exposed skin of her thighs.
She broke the kiss, again, the need for air making her exhale hard and then buried her face in his neck while his lips met the curve of hers, nipping gently at the skin there before placing a soothing kiss to the spot.
They stood like that in a close embrace, Donna's head resting on his shoulder, while his rested against her forehead, gently rocking from side to side.
"I really thought it was just me, you know," Harvey's gentle tone broke the silence and she looked up at him.
"What?"
He smiled down at her, and pressed a kiss to her forehead. Breaking their embrace, he took her hand and led her to the couch, before pulling her down and into his embrace again before answering.
"Ever since Jessica left - heck, even before that - I thought things were changing between us. And then when I came back from Boston, and I saw you there, waiting for me, telling me you were proud of me… it just…"
"Yes?" she brushed her hand against his chest.
"It just felt like coming home," his voice was now a whisper against her forehead.
Donna felt her throat catch with emotion again.
The man really did know how to use his words when it came down to it.
"It was the same for me, too, Harvey," she assured him. "I thought our lines were clear-cut, but then we laughed, we drank, and we flirted. And it felt so right. Like it was what we were meant to be doing."
She felt him nod in agreement.
"So what changed?"
Donna sighed and sat up.
"'The Donna'" she said. "When it failed, it set something off in me, that I couldn't ignore anymore. Everyone had something going on for them, while I didn't. Mike and Rachel were engaged. Louis kept falling in and out of relationships. You were rebuilding your relationship with your mother."
"Oh, Donna," he sighed and settled her back against his chest, his fingers slipping into her hair. "You know you're the one who made all those things possible, right?"
"Not all of them," she said, tugging on the knot of his tie to loosen it. "But that's beside the point. The point is everyone was finding definition to their lives, while mine was still undefined. I needed more. More than just laughing, drinking and flirting with the man I had fallen in love with. And I wanted to be more than just a legal secretary."
"You could have just told me," Harvey said, reaching out a hand to stroke her cheek. "Because I wanted more, too."
"I didn't know that, though," she reminded him. "Harvey, all I had to go by was what happened the last time the possibility of more was brought up."
"I'm so sorry," Harvey said, shaking his head. "But, Donna, we're not the same people we were back then."
"I know," she smiled, reaching up to kiss him again, sliding her leg across his thighs and gasping against his lips when his fingers met the bare skin of thigh.
Harvey let out a groan as the kiss deepened, and he tugged her to straddle him - and then it was her turn to groan when both his hands slid down, his fingers slipping just under the hem of her shorts to cup her buttocks briefly.
She bit his lower lip in retaliation, tugging at it briefly before sitting back on his thighs.
"So," she asked, a teasing note entering her voice. "How much did Rachel blab to you?"
Harvey poked her side. "Nothing that I didn't already know, to be honest. At least about your job. As for this," he indicated between the two of them. "She told me just enough to let me know that I needed to talk to you. Nothing more than that. When I came to you, I still had no idea what you wanted."
"Because of last night," she said, shaking her head.
"Although," he added, softly. "I think I'd have ended up here, regardless of Rachel. Because thanks to you, I have someone else in my corner, again. And"
Donna felt her eyes prick, "Your mom."
"My mom," he confirmed. "She called me last night."
"You don't know how happy I am that she's back in your life again, Harvey."
"Me, too," he said, swiping at the tears that had slipped onto her cheeks. "I love you so much."
Donna let out a tearful laugh, "I love you, too."
There was no further conversation after that as their lips met again in a kiss. And before long, they left a trail of clothes behind them, as they finally came together in white hot collision of love and long-suppressed passion.
.
.
Donna turned to look out at the slowly darkening sky outside her window, sighing contentedly when she felt Harvey stir under her.
They had fallen asleep - having made love a few times before - with her body fully on top of him, and him still inside her.
She raised her head to look at him when his hand brushed lightly down her spine.
"Hi," he smiled, his other hand coming to tuck a stray strand of hair out of her eyes.
"Mmmm," she hummed, stretching slightly against him, and he chuckled as he dropped his hand to her side, his thumb brushing the side of her breast.
They lay in silence for a few minutes, finding no need for words to fill it. The knowledge that they were here together was more than enough.
After a while Donna broke it, "So, you're heading back to Boston for Christmas?"
She felt his chest move, as he let out a happy sigh, "Yes. What about you?"
"Staying put, I'm afraid," she said, running her palm across his chest. "My parents are flying down to Florida to be with my sister and her husband. Her fifth, by my count."
"Were you not invited?"
"I was. I declined."
A pause.
"Then come with me. To Boston."
Donna lifted herself off him, "Harvey that's OK. I don't wanna intrude."
He laughed, before rolling them over, his hips slotting between her legs again, and causing her to gasp when he brushed against her.
He bent down to kiss her. "You won't be intruding. I promise. As it turns out, I'm not the only Specter who's a Donna fan."
Donna felt her breath catch. "Really?"
"Honestly, I think Marcus will be more excited to see you than me. And I'd love for my mom to meet the special someone who helped me make things right."
Donna looked at him, taking in the sincere expression on his handsome features.
"OK," she said and giggled when his signature Cheshire grin split his features, before pulling him down to meet her lips.