It was 3AM, Jimmy got in the station. He had his jacket on and a mug in his hand. He came right to the counter and he sat the mug down. I was about to ask him something when he opened his mouth. "I thought about the conversation we had the other day," He said, taking a sip from his mug. "And I have decided that I don't like that you're giving up on life so easily." He said. I wanted to say something, I wanted to tell him to shut his mouth, but I didn't want to. How does that work? I want it, yet I don't? "I asked a doctor friend of mine, maybe he can take a look at you," He smiled.
"Thanks Jim, but I would rather die quietly." I told him as I started packing up.
"Luna, you can't just give up, you're not even 30 yet, there is still time," Jimmy nagged. "Please,"
"I appreciate you caring for me Jim, but please, I don't want to burden another soul. Besides, I have nothing to live for," I said.
"How about your sister? How about Emily? How about that deputy boy? Aren't they something?" He asked me, his voice distressed. I could feel my body shudder. I don't want to leave them, I know. But I have to. I have to one day. It is better to be forgotten. "If you love them, you won't give up-"
"No, I am not giving up, I'm just... I'm just sick of it."
"That's the definition of giving up," He chuckled.
"I suppose," I gave a slight laugh.
"So, does that mean that you'd meet the doctor, all expenses on me, I'm the one telling you to do this, I'm the one paying,"
"Depends... thanks Jim," I smiled. Feeling wanted is a dangerous feeling. Addictive, manipulative, it lowers your guard down so low that you could feel your body twitch in different places from the shock. But I suppose this feeling has been chipping away my facade since last week. I truly am weak. "Oh, umm... I want to ask for a leave next week," I wish I didn't have so many regrets in my life. Fuck. I wish I was a better daughter.
"Oh, next week? How long?"
"2 weeks? Is that alright?" I asked him.
"You've been working with me long enough without a single holiday, go, don't worry, money's still going in your wallet," He smiled.
"Thanks Jim,"
"Where are you going exactly, I'm gonna need to put it in the log," He asked.
"Michigan, home," I said, with a small smile. One smile that I haven't gave others the sight to for years. It feels good to try.
"Wake up, it's your turn driving," Lincoln shook Lori up. Lori opened her eyes, looked at Lincoln and took a sip from her flask. "FUCKER DON'T DRINK!"
"Oh no, I drank some alcohol, looks like I can't drive now," Lori sarcastically said before she went back to sleep.
"Bitch, I'll make you pay for this," Lincoln grumbled as he threw a crumpled burger wrap out the window and shifted the gear from parked to drive.
"Don't blame the player,"
I walked back home, I opened my door, and I went to the couch. I took out a spliff from the cigarette container and I lit it up. I sat it on my lips and I smoked it. I laid my head down on my pillow and I threw my shoes off my feet. I smoked it all, and when it was but another hair away from burning my lips, I threw it in the ashtray. That was alright, nothing special. Years of drugs made me resistant to most of them. If I were to live long, I'd outlive the drugs I take. I sighed. I was about to shut my eyes when Lily came in the living room from the bedroom I gave her.
"Luna, you're back from work," She said with a hint of excitement in her voice.
"Hey sis, why the fuck are you not asleep?" I asked her, slightly annoyed.
"I can't sleep,"
"Well try won't you? I have work in twelve hours, what ever you have to say, please let me sleep first,"
"It's alright, what I'm planning needs a bit more time to cook anyways," Lily said before going back to her room. "Sweet dreams Luna,"
I shut my eyes, I could hear my heart beating clearly. I could feel my mind starting to slow down. Then there I was, in the limbo between slumber and hell. It felt great. Just as I was about to enter the comfy gates of sleep, my eyes jolt up. I saw the lights. It's purple and turquoise. Where the fuck am I? I'm not on my couch. Then the noise hit me like a truck. The screams, the guitar riffs, the drums, the pyrotechnics. In front of me was a sea of people, ridden with glow sticks and stinks of beer and kush. I looked down, I have my purple guitar in my hand. What the fuck? You were destroyed, no. I looked behind me and I saw the person behind the drums. Sully, he's bashing his head hard to the sound of the drums. Beside him with the bass, Mazzy. No what the fuck am I doing here?
"Lunes, you alright?" I heard that angel-like voice behind me. I turned my head around and I saw her. Sam. What the fuck is she doing here? I dropped my guitar on the stage floor, and flinched backwards away from her. "Luna, are you good?" Her face became flustered, she's worried. No. This can't be. What the fuck am I doing here? I looked down on the floor and covered my head with my arms, I don't want to see her face. I could hear the crowd grow quieter. I could see Sam's feet moving closer to me. "Luna, babe are you alright?"
I slowly retreated back, I could see Sam's feet inching closer to me, I could hear her calling me, I could hear Sully and Mazzy do the same. I could hear everything. Why am I here? I left this life a long time ago. I must be dreaming. I'm dreaming. This is a nightmare. This is a fucking nightmare. An elaborate as fuck nightmare. BUMP. I felt my back hitting the wall. Shit. Fuck.
"Luna, are you alright?" I could feel Sam's hand on my back. I could feel her pulling me into a hug. No, I don't want this. I tried to push her off with my hands but she was already around me. Tightening her arms around my body. "Luna, do you need to take a break?" She pulled my face up, I saw her eyes, filled with worry. What the fuck is going on? She pulled me off stage and she pulled me to a door. We went through it and I saw the break room. Sully opened the door. I don't want to be here. What the fuck is going on? Sam sat me on the couch and she sat next to me, her hands clenching onto mine. "Luna, you can tell me anything, you know that right?"
What is going on? "Luna, are you okay?" She asked again. She placed her arm around my shoulders. "Luna, please tell me,"
"Where am I? Why am I here?" I stuttered. Why am I here? What the fuck is going on?
"Can you guys go call the medic dude real quick?" Sam looked at Mazzy and Sully. "Get Chunk here too if you can," Chunk's still alive?
"Chunk's alive?" I blurted out. Fuck.
"What are you saying babe? Of course he's alive," Sam said with a smile on her face.
"No, no, no, he died 3 years ago in that Dublin fire," I said, panicking. Am I dead? Am I reliving a past memory or something. This can't be.
"What do you mean? What Dublin fire? We haven't even gone there yet," Sam said.
"What? No, no, no, no. This can't be fucking happening." I got up. I went to my jacket and I searched for it. My cigarette case. It's not there. Where the fuck is it?
"Luna, what are you looking for?" Sam asked.
"My cigarette case, where the fuck are they? WHERE ARE THEY?!" I panicked. I don't know what to do. Why am I here? What the fuck am I doing here?
"Luna, what are you talking about? Are you alright?" Sam hugged me tight. What? No. No. I need to go home. I want to go home. Where's Lily? Where's Jim? Where's Emily? Where's Crown? I want my family. What the fuck am I doing here? WHY AM I HERE?
I pushed Sam off of me and I ran to the door. "LUNA WAIT!" Sam yelled as I ran out the door. It was dark.
I could feel the air. Why does it smell like desert air? I could hear the wind rustling sand. I could feel the floor turn from carpet to tarmac. Where am I now? Then I heard that voice behind me. One that I neglected for so long. One that I ignored. I turned my head around and I saw that balding Brit wannabe. "DAD!" I ran to him and jumped into his arms. I wrapped my arms tight around him. Fuck. I'm sorry dad. "Dad, I'm sorry I didn't come back," I cried into his shirt.
"Oh Luna, you don't need to cry. It's already too late." Dad said as he wiped my tears away.
"What?"
"Don't you see, you're in hell. With me, and all the bottom feeders of the human race. All of the Epsteins, the Hitlers, the imperials. Everyone is down here." He hugged me tight. "And now you're too."
"What? Dad? What are you talking about?"
He pushed me to the ground, it's hot now. Fuck it's hot. He looked at me, and he smiled. "You're dead Luna, your cancer won. The same way mine did." I could feel the ground starting to shake. The dark sky turned red, and it cracked like glass. Fire rained down. What the fuck? Am I dead? God, help me please! Dad crouched down and looked me in the eyes. The skin on his face started boil. He reached his hand out and grabbed my face by the chin. "Look closely Lunes," His skin started to slide off. His eyes popped out, blood gushed out of his orifices, but he's still smiling. "Do you regret it now?" What the fuck is even going on.
"I- I'm sorry dad," I stuttered. His skin all melted off. His hair on fire.
Lily opened the house door and got inside. She just came back from throwing away the broken TV. She went to the living room and sat on the ground with a mug of water in her hand. Just as she was about to take a sip. Gee meowed. She turned her head around, and she saw the kitten heading towards her. "Hey kitty," The kitten ignored her and tries to climb onto the couch. "You want to sleep with Luna?" She asked the kitten. The kitten meowed. She grabbed the little cat up and placed it on Luna's stomach. Gee lied down. "Cute." Lily said. Just as Lily took her first sip of water, she heard Luna rustling behind her.
"I-I'm sorry..." Luna cried in her sleep.
"What the hell are you dreaming about?" Lily asked the sleeping woman.
"Dad..." Luna moaned again in her slumber. Lily coughed.
"What?" Lily blurted. She sat the mug down on the coffee table, and she stood up. She saw squirming in her sleep. Gee jumped off her chest.
"I wasn't-t a good daughter..." Luna said in her sleep again. She looked more distressed. Lily kneeled down beside her and started shaking her up.
"Luna, wake up." Lily said.
"I'm sorry dad," I cried as I looked at dad's flayed face. He was smiling. His lips are gone, his hair is gone. Yet his teeth were still smiling.
"I know you are. Now wake up," Dad slapped me hard. So hard my eyes went dark. "Don't be a fool,"
"LUNA WAKE UP!" Lily's voice rang through my ears, my eyes opened. I saw Lily, holding Gee in her arms. Lily's eyes were wide open, her fists were clenched. "Luna, what's wrong with you?"
"L-Lily?" I stuttered. I'm back. I hugged her tight. Fuck it. I don't want to repeat what I did. I don't want to be who I was. I don't want to live in regret anymore. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry I abandoned all of you. I'm sorry." I just hope that I'm not too late.