Chapter 3: The Big House

Last time on Neckbeard Wars, four scoundrels made a ruckus in public, on the Rock of Bral, and are being sentenced to maximum security prison. But let's see what the authorities genuinely think of them first.

WARNING: The next few chapters are pretty much an extremely blatant parody of the first few scenes in Guardians Of The Galaxy, but in a DND science fiction setting like Starfinder and Spelljammer, largely because I wanted to have a plot about a prison break.

Magistrate Judge Valkan, a half-elf who directed the law enforcement in Bral City, initially entered the room where new inmates were being inspected with a solemn look on his face. But he actually smiled when he saw this specific batch of convicts. They were an interesting bunch, to say the least.

The local low-ranking officer introduced the first one to Valkan:

"Desstra Kisaragi. A young woman of dark elven origin who was surgically modified and trained as a living weapon from childhood. She claims to have severed connections with the terrorist organization known as the Underhand, which she has previously worked with extensively. This leads us to believe there is some infighting within the various factions of elves across the multiverse."

"She's not even past her teenage years yet, and she's already a hardened killer, though something tells me she actually has a bit more remorse than the average drow operative."

Desstra had her own opinion on the cops to voice, though.

"Hmph. I can guess people like you never care to know the reason why so many desperate individuals turn to crime. It wasn't their first choice."

Ignoring her snide comment, Valkan gestured for the officer to move on.

"Subject 59-P3, calls itself "Zephyr." The result of illegal genetic experiments on a small marine mammal, supposedly conducted to build an army. Though whoever came up with the plan chose poor candidates for the job. I must warn you, though, it has a hefty criminal record: Two dozen accounts of successful prison breaks, 16 charges for arson, 18 charges for theft, and 14 charges for illegal mercenary activity. Also, it has a tendency to bite."

Like Desstra, Zephyr had his own snarky response to the police. He also spat on the floor.

"You refer to me as an "it," huh? Well, ironically, that's the perfect pronoun you could have picked, because there's nothing else quite like me in this plane of existence."

Valkan had clearly never seen a Warforged before, because when Charlie was chosen to be inspected, he was greatly startled.

"What in the name of...?"

"They call it Charlie, although his official serial number is CHX-72. A combat robot that has recently been following Subject 59-P3 around, serving as his personal bodyguard, hired muscle and partner in crime."

Charlie didn't say anything, oddly enough, but he did thump the enchanted glass just to fuck with Valkan, who leaped out of his chair in response.

And last, but certainly not least:

"John Henry Irons. Raised from youth by the blacksmiths and forgemasters of House Cannith, one of the great noble houses and kingdoms of Eberron. The adopted son of legendary lumberjack Paul Bunyan, who alone can bestow the Mark of Making, and its associated powers, upon others worthy enough."

"Said to have been kidnapped by demonic forces seeking his expertise in building weapons, only to break free and massacre said demonic forces, pledging an oath to never sell his items to dishonorable figures. I honestly thought he'd never end up participating in the same incident as the other three, sir."

Henry proceeded to give his captors the middle finger while they were observing him.

"Ohhhh, I'm so sorry, I didn't know how this process worked."

Intriguing as these rabble rousers were, Magistrate Valkan had heard all he needed to hear. He didn't care.

"These details matter not, in spite of how odd and peculiar they are. Take this worthless dross to the Donjon."

Three hours later...

-The Donjon-

-High Security Asteroid Prison, underside of Bral City-

Henry, Desstra, Charlie and Zephyr were being marched in a straight line through a corridor to the main prison's entrance, where convicts were given a further detail of security inspection, stripped of any belongings they had, and brought to the cafeteria, where they would eat once before spending the night in their cells.

Zephyr and Charlie weren't too fussy about being back in jail. They had both spent a lot of time being stuck there (and subsequently escaping from there) after explosive accidents and collateral damage during mercenary missions, when some poor dude's house was completely ruined by a dynamite blast.

Zephyr: Most cops in Wildspace aren't too concerned with keeping minorities in line, but the ones at the Rock of Bral? They're corrupt andcruel! Not that it matters, anyway. Tell 'em, Charlie!

Charlie: Yeah, Zephyr and I have escaped 24 prisons! 25 will be a breeze! Tin Can Henry is lucky this bitch came in and saved him, otherwise we would've nabbed the Horn and got paid!

Henry: That's John Henry Irons to YOU, asshole! I've come through thick and thin during my career, and I'm not gonna be brought down by a buckethead drone and a talking sea otter.

Zephyr: Yeah, actually, you DID get brought down by those two things. Before the cops showed up anyway, and ruined me and Charlie's payday.

Desstra: So you two were in this for the money, I knew it! If I'm a bitch, then you are both honorless thieves.

Zephyr: Real high and mighty coming from someone who works for a legitimate terrorist organization. You're even worse than me, sicko. I know who you are.

Charlie: Yeah, we know who you are!

Desstra: In case you're wondering, imbecile, I wasn't giving the Horn to the Underhand, I was betraying them. I had a plan to sell it to someone who knows how to destroy it.

The prison's courtyard and cafeteria were up ahead, but first the gang had to go through a security checkup. The four were forced to take off their clothes, and get sprayed with a strange green liquid, probably a substance for killing bacteria and viruses. The green slime made everyone's skin tingle, and in the process of being cleaned up, Charlie was ogling Desstra (since she was naked just like the male characters.) She tried her best to ignore the horny robot's staring, but swore to show Charlie and Zephyr the real value of women sooner or later.

Then the four had to put on prison jumpsuits, and while he was changing, Henry noticed something bizarre on Zephyr's body- cybernetic studs in his back and neck, which were probably the reason he could walk, talk, and operate technology like a human.

It wasn't the strangest thing the artificer had seen, though. What really upset Henry, though, was when he saw a prison guard rummaging through his confiscated belongings, pulling out his personal music cylinder (a device used to store and play songs,) and listening to the tunes without his permission.

"Hey! Give that back! That music is mine! You hear me?!"

But then the guard responded to Henry by pulling out a disposable wand and electrocuting him, which made him fall to his knees.

"Dragon Blues... I'll never hear my favorite song again... the song my dad gave me with love..."

And the guard just kept prodding him with the electric cantrip, much to the dismay of Zephyr, Charlie and Desstra, who all realized they might end up with the same painful punishment, but worse, since they clearly weren't a standard human like Henry was.

-In the prison courtyard-

The cafeteria and courtyard were the only luxuries the prisoners had in Bral City's Donjon, they couldn't even see their families, and their cells were uncomfortably cramped. Still, some inmates actually managed to eke out some entertainment in their bleak reality, as the four "heroes" were about to find out.

And they did this by... shouting insults and slurs at Desstra. Just like Zephyr said, everyone knew she was the former lackey of some genocidal maniacs. She wasn't intimidated by the threats, but then a big, burly Tiefling with purple skin and goat horns strolled up to her and got in her face.

"You're a drow, right? Well, you would understand my pain well enough, since the Underhand killed my family and framed me for someone else's crime. People like you ruined my life. The moment I get my hands on you, I'm gonna take my time, making you feel all the pain I've felt- AAAARGH!"

The Tiefling was interrupted by Charlie shoving his metal fingers inside his nose, and choking him with his other hand.

Zephyr then chose to make things clear, on who could bully Desstra, even though it was not very smart to bully someone like her in the first place... but the space otter didn't care, he was a Men's Rights Activist, he just wanted to get his filthy message across.

"This BITCH here, belongs to US! If you want to lay your hands on her, you go through us, or more accurately, WE GO THROUGH YOU!"

And that's when Desstra stopped tolerating Zephyr's abuse. She grabbed the skinny otter by his arms, and started twisting, making him scream in agony, begging for her to stop.

"NO! PLEASE DON'T BREAK MY ARMS! They're the only way I can lob explosives and cast spells!"

"Then you better learn to show women some RESPECT."

Charlie had something to say that stopped the pair's little disagreement, for now. He had stopped choking the prisoner that threatened Desstra with violence, and noticed that Henry was gone.

"Guys, we should probably find Henry. While you two were lollygagging, he slipped out of sight."

Zephyr and Desstra reluctantly agreed to this.