"I'm at a club! You'll never guess who I ran into. Paula!"
Ross stared at the wall before him. "And Paula...is..."
"My old coworker, from the restaurant back home!"
"She's here? What's she doing here?"
"She won the lottery and she moved here. I'll be home around nine; we're going dancing!"
"Well, have - fun," Ross said, into the dial tone. He hung up and stared out of the huge window at the amazing view. Suddenly it seemed bigger than usual, and he realized he was missing New York. With its cozy coffee shop, and the fast access to all his loved ones.
Rachel walked into the living room, toweling her hair dry. "Still alone?"
"Yeah, Joey's passed out in our bed with a bag of Doritos."
Rachel nodded. "Phoebe's still mad at me. I think the only way she'll forgive me is if I return that watch."
Ross put a protective hand on his wrist. "But I like my watch."
"Well, I like my friend. Is a watch more important to you than Phoebe? Because if it is, we've got a serious problem."
Ross pouted, but slowly took off the watch. "Fine." He dropped it into her waiting hand.
"Thank you." She stood. "And we should probably return the gilded belt buckles."
"Oh, come on, she doesn't know about those!"
"Get them, Ross!" Rachel stated with finality.
He stood and dejectedly made his way down the hall. She yelled after him, "And I want to see all seven of them!"
He went into their bedroom, where the only sign of Joey was a limp hand hanging above the floor, on which was spilled the bag of chips. Snoring came from under the blanket. Shaking his head, Ross went into the closet and began rummaging for flashes of gold.
Behind him, the blanket suddenly rose into a sitting position; and as he yelled Ross spun to face him. "No, Mary Angela, get out! Get out of my room!"
Ross tried to sound masculine. "It's my room, Joe!"
"Ross?" Joey pushed the blanket away. "Where am I?"
Ross squeezed the buckle, hoping it wasn't Alzheimer's. He wasn't that old. "Y-you're in Paris. You all are."
"Oh, right, right. Boy! I hate when that happens!" He began to stand.
"It's happened before?"
"Every time I sleep in an unfamiliar room. Tribbianis, we weren't made for thinkin'. We're meant to eat and watch football." He threw the blanket off him and Ross turned at the sight of his boxers.
"Pants, Joe, put some pants on."
"Right!"
Ross carried the buckles out of the room and handed them to Rachel. "Here."
Rachel examined them. "This is seven," she said furiously.
"You asked for seven!"
"The Magistralis you're wearing, give it to me. Cost me almost nine grand; if that doesn't put me back on Phoebe's good side, nothin' will."
Ross begrudgingly took off his belt and his pants immediately sagged. He pulled them up and didn't let go of the waist.
Draping the belts across her arm, Rachel picked up her glass. " 'Kay, I'm off. And please, get Emma to the piercing place; I want that thing gone before she kisses somebody." She raised the glass to her mouth, and as she was taking a sip her eyes flashed over Ross' shoulder and she almost spit out her drink.
Ross turned - to see Joey walking towards them in fluorescent pink silk pajama bottoms.
"Man, these things can breathe!" Joey exclaimed. "It feels like winter down there!"
"Joey!" Rachel exclaimed in disgust. "First Phoebe's undergarments, now my lingerie?"
"Your room is dark!" Joey defended.
"And let's just be glad he's not wearing the gossamer shirt," Ross cut in.
Joey smiled, checking her out. "You, uh, you sleep in a gossamer shirt?"
Rachel scowled at him. "I'm married to your best friend."
"And I'm right here," Ross added. There was a knock at the door. "Hey, uh, Joe, seeing as how you spilled Doritoes and are currently wearing my wife's clothing...how about you get that for us?"
"Sure, buddy!" Joey headed to the door.
Rachel looked at Ross. "There's chips on our carpet?"
"Not just chips. The powder stuff, too."
Rachel groaned, throwing the buckles into his arms as she hurried to the bedroom.
On the front deck, Chandler looked at Phoebe. " 'Kay, now remember what I said. She's not trying to be a brat, she's probably not even aware of it, so just don't - " The door opened.
Joey's face immediately matched the pants. Seeing the embarrassment on his face, Chandler looked down and promptly made a weird noise at the sight of the hot pink lingerie.
"Oh, Joey," Phoebe said sadly. "That's not your color."
Chandler raised his brows at her. "That's the problem you see here?"
"Yeah. He's a total winter!"
"I'm a what?" Joey asked.
"Like, okay. If you're trying to be like a woman, you should accessorize. For example, blue or white clothing, and a nice layer of that Ichiban lipstick."
"Yeah," Chandler added, "And you had a man purse at one point, too, right?"
Joey stepped back, closing the door on them. It was quickly reopened by Rachel. "Don't mind him," she said, and then called over her shoulder, "He's just experimenting, trying to see what expresses who he is!"
"Shut up!" came his voice from the other room.
Rachel's smile dimmed when she saw the look on Phoebe's face.
"Did you just buy all that?" Phoebe asked, pointing to the expensive buckles.
"No."
"There's a price tag on the most expensive one!" Phoebe cried.
"Because he never wore it!" Rachel interrupted. "I'm returning everything."
Phoebe looked contemplatively at her. "For real?"
Chandler inched closer. " 'Scuse me, I just...gotta pee."
Rachel stepped into the hall closet beside her to let him pass. "You want to come with me and watch me do it?"
"Yes," the answer came without hesitation.
Rachel motioned her to stand back so she could let herself out. "And because of Joey," Rachel said, as she locked the door, "I'm giving the whole refund to charity...Though it's more for you than anyone else."
Phoebe began to smile. "Thanks, Rachel!"
"You're welcome, Pheebs...Now let's get this over and done before the nightmare ends."
-0-0-0-0-
Phoebe didn't open up until Rachel had parked. She unbuckled and looked at her friend. "Rachel?"
"Yeah?" Rachel looked at her.
Phoebe took a deep breath. "Mike cheated on me. He got another woman pregnant. So last night I slept with Joey."
"Oh my God!" Rachel gripped her friend's hand. "So - how was he?"
"Rachel! Are you not hearing me? My marriage is over!" Phoebe looked more closely at her friend, who was now avoiding her eyes. "You already knew, didn't you?"
Rachel didn't deny it.
Phoebe pulled her hand free. Her voice was an icicle. "Did Ross know?"
Rachel looked back at her. "We, uh, we all did."
"You have got to be kidding me!"
Again, Rachel said nothing.
Phoebe kicked her car door open and slammed it shut once she had gotten out. She headed for the bus stop, leaving Rachel to sit in the car alone, with more belt buckles than she had friends.