"Hello?"
"Mike? It's Phoebe."
The other end was quiet for a moment. "Oh. Listen, Chandler didn't - "
"Forget about Chandler, for now, 'kay? I want to know who you knocked up."
"Uh, what?"
"I want to know who's carrying my husband's baby. Is that too much to ask, or something?"
"No, no, it's...Okay. Um, you know your friend Rachel?"
Phoebe went still, her hand beginning to shake. "Yes," she finally said, her voice a weapon.
"Well, okay, it's kind of...her sister."
Phoebe couldn't help but feel relieved. "Oh? Which one?"
"Amy."
"I see."
The pair were quiet awhile, nothing to hear but the rain. Finally Mike spoke, "Do you think you could ever forgive - "
"No," Phoebe said abruptly. "No, we're done. Finito."
"Oh. Man. Okay."
"Just...don't tell Rachel for awhile. In fact, I can tell her."
"Why would you?"
"Hey, you cheated on me with my best friend's little sister. How about a favor, no questions asked?"
"Yeah, sure, okay."
Phoebe hung up and began to plot her revenge.
Chandler's muffled voice from the other side of the door interrupted her thoughts. "Oh, great."
Phoebe stood and hurried to the door as Chandler's boot kicked the bottom of the door. She pulled it open to find him standing there holding two hot drinks. "What's this for?"
"The furnace doesn't work." He handed her a cup of hot chocolate with mini-marshmallows. They both closed their hands around their cups and retreated to a bed, each thankful there were two in their suite. "You look sad, Pheebs; what's wrong?"
"Well, I just found out who Mike cheated on me with."
"Yeah? Who's that?"
"Amy. Rachel's little sister."
Chandler looked up at her in shock. "Wow."
"I know. He...he wants me to tell her."
"Okay."
"You know, face-to-face. From another girl."
Chandler was nodding.
"Maybe she and I could even kick his ass. We'll see."
"And it has nothing to do with how long you and Rachel have known each other?"
"Nooo, it's because he's a million miles away and she and I are in the same country."
Chandler eyed her, making her nervous. Finally he said, "You offered, didn't you?"
"How did you know?"
"Because Mike has no way of knowing you guys are fighting. If he had asked you, it'd be because, in his eyes, you and Rachel are still friends."
"Well, we're not."
"So you're really going to cut Rachel out of your life because she gave you some flowers?"
"It's not just about the flowers."
"Then enlighten me," Chandler said succinctly.
"Rachel said she makes seven grand in a month. You know how much that is per year?"
"Two million."
"'Kay, and yet, Ben and Emma needed scholarships. All because Ross wanted his belt buckles and his precious watch."
Chandler looked down at his tea, until he realized she had leaned forward. He looked back up.
"I didn't even go to college," she told him.
"I never knew that."
"Well, I was homeless. Without an address or any experience in anything, I couldn't find work. And without work, I couldn't afford schooling."
Chandler finally dumped the tea bag into his cup and began to stir.
"And you know what I saw at Rachel's house? An indoor pool," Phoebe railed on. "I stole clothing on Christmas so I'd be decent and she has a heated pool floater."
Chandler took the plastic spoon from his cup. "Sorry your life sucked so much."
"No, it's okay."
Chandler smiled. "That's what I like about you. You always find the bright side."
"Bright side? No, screw that, I'm going to humiliate the CRAP out of her!"
"How?"
"You'll see. You'll all see."
Chandler nodded slowly.
-0-0-0-0-
"I forgot how delicate she is." Rachel forcibly took off her coat. "Can't do anything without offending her." She threw her coat into the closet and Ross picked it up off the floor.
"I'm just glad she didn't notice the fur on your boots," Ross answered.
Rachel looked down. "But why would she? She was too busy accusing me of murder."
"Well...Actually, Rach, it does shorten the lifespan..." His voice trailed off when she looked at him. "Which is not the point," he said hastily. He put the bouquet on the ledge running along the wall so he could hang her coat, and she watched him.
Finally she asked, "Am I pampering myself?"
"Are you kidding? We both are. And I love it."
"I love it, too. Sue me! You only live once!" She plopped onto a bar stool. "Why should I downgrade for her sake? I'm enjoying myself."
"Me too. I mean, I was happier when I had my Magistralis."
"I love Phoebe...But how can I choose between a friend, and our lives?" She watched him walk in front of her, into the kitchen. "And you know what? It's not fair of her to ask that of me. Besides, how can one person make a difference? It's not like people are going to stop picking flowers, or buying stuff."
"Yeah, just look around."
Rachel looked at the fancy decorations that prettied up the kitchen. "When you have money, you buy things. It can't be helped. That's what money is for. Maybe if Phoebe had some growing up, she'd know it."
"Want an egg?"
"No. But I was born into a rich family; I don't know what it's like to be a bum! Thank God."
"What about a grilled cheese?"
"I don't want food, Ross!"
"Okay. You don't need to yell."
"I don't need to; I want to."
"Alright, well, I'm going to take a walk and think about this whole moving thing."
"Fine." Rachel stood. "I'll go yell at the gardener."
"No, sweetie, please, he's been tending your plants all day!"
She turned to face him. "Really! Here I thought he was the plumber!" she said sarcastically.
Emma walked into the kitchen, startling both parents. Her hair was now black, and she had another lip ring and a new hole in each ear.
Rachel walked over to her daughter. "Show me your tongue," she finally said.
Emma complied, revealing a second piercing.
"You defied your father?" Rachel asked quietly.
"He paid for it."
As Rachel tried to comprehend it, Emma walked past her toward the balcony. Rachel turned to look at Ross. The balcony door closed and the room was totally silent.
"She said please," he finally said.
"Oh, well, that changes everything. Hey, here's an idea; let's pay for her concert ticket, too!"
"What's all the yelling for?" Monica asked, coming into the room.
"Ross bought Emma some new piercings!"
Monica didn't look too sympathetic. "She happy with 'em?"
"Yeah," Ross said.
"Then who cares?"
"You're not helping!" Rachel said.
"I didn't fly all the way from the New York airport to help; I came to see my friends and have a good time." She began walking to the archway leading into the living room. "Well, the first one happened. But if I'd known Phoebe would be petty, you would be uptight, and Chandler would be at a hotel with another woman, I would have stayed home."
"You're not going there now, are you?" Ross asked.
"I'm going to the hotel. It's got a bar."
"We have a bar," Ross said.
"It's also got a pool."
"We have a pool. And heated lounges," Rachel told her.
"It has the rest of our friends," Monica said, to which Ross and Rachel had nothing to say. Monica strode from the kitchen.