"It felt longer to come back," Monica said thoughtfully.
"Yeah, I could go for a coffee," Chandler answered, and moved toward the counter. Rachel accompanied him.
"Hey, Chandler. Hey, Rachel!" the perky young waitress said.
"Hello." Rachel stared at her. "Do I know you?"
"No, but it's nice to finally meet you. I'm Leslie."
Rachel didn't answer.
"Leslie Buffay," she clarified.
The confusion cleared from Rachel's eyes. "Oh my God. Hi."
"Hi," Leslie laughed. "What'll you have?"
"Actually, nothing; I just wanted to ask if you know where Gunther is."
At her words, Ross' head snapped up.
"Who's Gunther?"
"He used to work here. He's about my height, white hair, nice eyes?" Rachel asked.
"No, I never saw him."
"Um, I'd like my usual," Chandler cut in, and Leslie quickly got to work. With her busy, he turned to Rachel. "Gunther quit a few years back. Said he didn't want to work in a coffee shop his whole life. Mentioned something about deep sea-diving."
Rachel's brows rose and Leslie handed Chandler his coffee. Together they sat in their usual places. "Oh, God, I'm finally home," Ross was saying.
Phoebe was gazing quietly at the waitress. She knew she wasn't actually the mother, but the memory of giving birth told her something different. She had watched the triplets - her triplets - grow into adults, wishing that they had called her Mom. But they were more her nieces and nephew than her children...No matter what her heart said. Unwilling to engage in the conversation, Phoebe allowed her thoughts to focus on the vivacious young lady who should have been hers to raise.
"Well, my first home," Ross quickly told Rachel. "I really belong with you."
Rachel was nonresponsive. She had two fingers on her chin and was staring at the arm of the sofa.
Finally Phoebe moved. "Can you watch my crap?" she elegantly asked. She kicked her bag closer to Monica as she stood and headed toward the washroom. She was checking her watch when she rounded the corner, so she didn't notice the couple until she heard a moan. Looking up, she stopped short at the sight of Mike Hannigan kissing...not Amy.
"Mike!" Phoebe yelled, effectively breaking them apart. "What the hell are you doing?"
Ursula shook her head. "No, relax, okay? This is Mike's twin brother."
"Mike doesn't have a twin brother!" Phoebe told her.
"Please. I think know Mark when I see him."
Phoebe mirrored her sister with a shake of her head. "Alright, both of you come with me." She turned and walked in a huff back to where her friends sat. "Rachel!" she barked, scaring her. Rachel turned, freezing when she saw Mike and Ursula begrudgingly following Phoebe.
"What's going on?" Ross demanded.
"Uh, you're all seeing double," Ursula said dismissively. "I'm not here."
Phoebe whirled to face her sister. "You're an idiot and a coward!"
Ursula looked at Mike. "Well? Are you going to let her talk to me that way?"
Mike gritted his teeth. "I...don't have a twin brother."
Ursula raised her brows, then walked decisively away from him. "Sorry," she told Phoebe, and headed for the exit.
Phoebe surprised everyone by grabbing her bag and following Ursula. "Don't worry about it, Urse. He's a pig! Let me buy you a beer."
Ursula opened the door, and together they left Central Perk.
Joey stood, walking toward Mike with a smile on his face. "So you, uh, you scored, huh? Got both of 'em?"
"Uh, well - I - "
"I dated Ursula once."
"You-you did?"
"Yeah. Before I dated Phoebe," Joey continued. "See, I didn't want to hurt her. Because she matters to me." He shrugged, still smiling that goofy smile. "I don't know, it's just...not hard to respect a friend. Not hard for me; but you're not me." He looked at the customers. "Ladies, this man just cheated on my good friend with her sister. Before that, my other friend's sister."
There came the sound of the customers murmuring in disapproval.
"His name's Mike Hannigan," Joey continued. "Look at his face. And warn your friends."
Mike turned to gape at Joey just in time to see him aim his fist.
-0-0-0-0-
"You could've let me know you were coming back early," Ursula said.
"I'm glad I didn't. I never would've found out about Mike. And you wouldn't have either," she added. "He'd still be deceiving you."
Ursula considered.
"He's gotten Rachel's sister pregnant," Phoebe went on.
"Amy. I know," Ursula nodded.
"You knew? And you still kissed him?"
"Well, Amy got an abortion, so he dumped her. He looked so sad, I thought I'd lift his spirits."
"What about my spirits? Didn't you even consider me?"
"Yeah. But he said you only went on that trip without him because you were fighting so much. I thought maybe he'd be available."
"He will be. Urse, I can't stay here if you want to be with him. If you didn't look like me I might learn to deal with it. I just...I need you to not, you know, be intimate with him around me."
Ursula pursed her lips. "No, he lied to me. It's over."
"Good," Phoebe said, and quickly explained her gruff answer. "'Cuz, well, I want to be closer to you."
Ursula looked at her and smiled. "We are." They walked into the bar and up to the counter.
"Ladies," the man said with a nod. "What can I get you?"
"What, you won't check our IDs?" Phoebe asked incredulously.
"Must be our air of maturity," Ursula told her.
"Nah, it's your gray hair."
Their expressions went flat and they both touched their hair. "Shut up and get me a beer," they both said at once.
He snorted humorously and did their bidding. Exchanging their money for the drinks, they clinked their cans together. An hour later two more cans had been added to each of their bills, and the other five friends walked in to find them singing Smelly Cat onstage. They could hardly stand - and they could definitely not sing. Customers looked very displeased with their performance, which for some reason Ursula was leading. Phoebe yowled along as the backup singer.
Joey grimaced, sucking air through his teeth. "At least Phoebe's good on the inside."
"Yeah," Monica said succinctly. "Please tell me she's drunk-singing."
"Actually, it sounds the same," Chandler answered sadly.
"I thought it sounded better," Rachel confided.
Phoebe stopped singing mid-verse. "Guys!" she yelled deafeningly into the microphone. Her burp was amplified. "Oh, 'scuse me. Oh." She walked delicately down the stairs. "You know, I brought my phone, but I left my charger in Paris."
Joey steadied her.
"And I just realized," she went on, "Rachel and Ross sold their place here. They need a place tonight. Wait, here, here, you want my free room and board pass?" She held out a dollar bill with a shaky hand.
"I don't think it applies outside of Paris," Rachel told her.
"Yeah, we can throw those away if our vacation's over. I can do that," Monica said quickly, and Phoebe gave her the money.
"Where's my other voice?" Ursula yelled. "She here?"
Ross walked up onstage to help her down the stairs, and she looked quizzically at him, then back at the crowd. "Boy, she got ugly," she quipped drunkenly.
"Come on, let's get you home. You've had...more than enough beer." Much to the building's relief, Ross guided her offstage. "Here, let's - " He paused when the sisters stared at each other.
"Wow," Ursula whispered. "Isn't that me?"
Chandler rolled his eyes as Ursula began poking at Phoebe.
"I'll drive Ursula home in her car; Rachel, you can pick me up, okay?" Ross asked.
"Nuh, wait, wait, wait," Phoebe slurred. "Rachel should take her. She won't kiss a girl."
"Okay, fine."
"And you can stay with me, okay? Drop me off at home and stay, both of you," Phoebe went on, as the seven of them moved toward the exit. "You need a place to go."
Her words served as a brutal reminder that the Gellar-Greens had sold their home in New York. Their only home was now in Paris. Feeling a little overwhelmed, Ross steered Phoebe through the door and into the night.
-0-0-0-0-
Phoebe's apartment was warm, familiar, and cozy. And, Phoebe noticed, spotless. She crossed her arms and surveyed the apartment, realizing Mike had probably kept the bed warm in her absence, too.
Rachel bumped in noisily with her luggage, jarring her from her morose thoughts. "Thanks for letting us crash here, Pheebs."
"You're welcome. Oh, it'll be great," Phoebe said half-heartedly. "We haven't had a sleepover at my place in...ever."
Rachel tilted her head, looking knowingly at her friend. "Honey, I get it; you're mad. It's okay."
"It's not okay. He cheated on me and wrecked our marriage."
"You have the upper hand! Be glad of it. You can play this thing out."
"What do you mean?" Phoebe asked.
"His first two choices were our sisters. And I know my sister; she's very suspicious of her boyfriends." She patted Phoebe's shoulder when her face crumpled. "And I bet you anything, she set up a whole bunch of cameras in their room to see what exactly he's been up to."
Phoebe looked attentively at her.
"Amy's only a phone call away; you can find out just how many women have..." Rachel's voice trailed off as Phoebe put her head in her hands. "Oh, God, I am insensitive, aren't I?"
"Yeah, but I already knew that." Phoebe sighed, straightening up. "Just do me a favor."
Rachel nodded, expecting Phoebe to say "Watch what you say" or "No Mike talk".
Phoebe pushed some hair behind her ears. "Put 'er on speaker," she said.
Rachel nodded and got out her phone. She accessed her contact list, activated the speaker and pressed Call.
Amy's voice came on much less perky than she remembered. "Rachel?"
"Hi, Amy! It, uh, I-I'm back in New York!"
"Right now? Why wouldn't you call me?"
Rachel's brows went up as her fury ignited. "Wow, look who's getting all bent out of shape for lack of communication after having an abortion and not telling me."
Amy was quiet for so long Rachel thought she had hung up and not heard a thing. Finally she asked, "You know?"
"Yeah, and so do I, you...you...man-stealing little - "
"Phoebe!" Rachel cried out.
"Sorry, sorry..." Phoebe leaned closer to the phone. "Rachel," she added hotly.
"Amy - we saw Mike kissing a third girl at Central Perk," Rachel said with finality.
"Riiight," Amy said. Phoebe opened her mouth to defend Rachel, but Amy wasn't finished. "Just a third."
Phoebe looked at Rachel in shock.