Suicide mention, proceed with caution as this chapter may be triggering for individuals. Tsubaki's Theme: "Mirrorball" by Elbow. Chapter Themes: Winter Song - The Head and the Heart, Voldemort - With Confidence, For the Best - Gregory and the Hawk

Graduation is supposed to be a wonderful thing. No more high school drama. You are officially recognized as an adult. College is coming up, and you have a newfound sense of freedom. But it isn't all rainbows and butterflies. Because it isn't just a time for fun. It is a time for planning. It is a time to have everything figured out in your life. Because if your plans aren't foolproof, who's to say everything won't fall apart?

A sliver of sunlight falls on the alarm clock across the room, illuminating the glowing, red numbers. Tsubaki has been staring at the numbers slowly changing for some time now. She misses the days she could sleep in, or at least get woken up by the obnoxious alarm and not her own messed up internal clock. Stress and weird sleeping schedules go hand in hand, right?

With a deep breath, she slips out of bed and into the outfit she's been contemplating for the last half hour. Her alarm clock finally chimes, and she quickly shuts it off. Her hands reach for a pamphlet laying on the dresser next to the clock, "Juilliard" printed neatly across the front. Flipping through the pages, she can't help but imagine running into the students featured in the photos when she goes to school there next fall.

At least, hopefully when she goes. Tsubaki has been extremely proactive with the application process thus far, now just anxiously awaiting the arrival of her invitation to audition in New York. She considers making it a weekend affair with her parents, both her audition and two days of exploring the city that never sleeps. Her eyes wander over to a photo of herself and a tall man with long dark hair pulled back atop his head, his arm wrapped around her shoulder and a smile on his face. She wishes he could go with them…

Placing the pamphlet back on her dresser, Tsubaki turns to make her bed up before making her way downstairs to the welcoming smell of breakfast.

Her father sits at the kitchen table, already sipping coffee, while her mother flits around the kitchen, putting together breakfast as she always has. She moves a bit slower today, but still smiles at Tsubaki as she enters the room. "Good morning! What's the plan for today?"

Tsubaki manages a smile too and grabs a seat at the table next to her father. "Test today in Government, but I think I'm ready for it." Her eyes linger on the fourth placemat on the table for far too long. Old habits die hard for her mother it seems.

"Think we'll hear back today?" her father asks before another sip of coffee. "We could use some good news."

The closest her parents will probably come to acknowledging what day it is. But Tsubaki keeps a brave face and smiles with more vigor this time. "I'm sure it'll be any day now!"

…

Tsubaki opens the door of the counseling office with a knock. "Good morning," she greets before placing her backpack down on the floor next to the chair opposite Marie.

"Good morning! How are we doing so far today?" Marie asks with her usual cheerful grin, coffee in hand.

The girl twiddles her thumbs in her lap. "Anxious, I guess? Just waiting for letters from Julliard and Harvard."

"And the parents are…?"

Tsubaki sighs. "Looking forward to that Harvard letter, just as they always have been."

Marie hums in thought and sets her coffee down. "You know that that's not what I'm really asking about, right? Today being what it is?"

Sinking into her chair a bit further, Tsubaki refuses to make eye contact with the counselor. "It'll be okay."

"It's the anniversary though, I just thought we could -"

"It will be okay," Tsubaki interrupts forcefully. She doesn't want to think about it. She doesn't want to dwell. She wants to believe that everything really will be okay, that they can move on and the hurt will go away, but…

"Tsubaki, you've gotta talk about it at some point. This is a lot to work through, and it won't get better if you don't do something about it."

"I'm handling it. I'm stronger than people give me credit for."

Marie sighs and leans back in her chair. "Asking for help is not an act of weakness. It's a sign of strength."

Tsubaki's lips purse for a moment, but she nods and grabs her bag from the floor. Without another word, she rises from her seat and leaves Marie's office. The first bell is about to ring, signaling to all the students of Death City High School the start of the school day, and Tsubaki blinks back tears. How can someone feel so alone when surrounded by a sea of people?

Headed towards Government but not fully aware of her surroundings, she slams into another student and nearly drops her bag slung over her shoulder. She'd recognize that bright blue hair anywhere. "Blake, I'm so sorry!" she calls, offering a hand to him as he sits on the ground from their impact. "I wasn't watching where I was going!"

Blake takes her hand and allows her to help him up. "No prob, Tsu, can't hurt me or my pride!" he laughs.

Tsubaki stares at him for a moment. The last time they were this close he was a good bit shorter than her. Now, he's tall enough to meet her eye to eye. So much time has gone by, so much time wasted…

"Yo, Earth to Tsu, your brain get knocked around?"

She blinks and focuses in on his hand waving in her face. "I'm… I'm okay," she stutters, feigning a smile. Her hand jerks to her earlobe, and she hopes he notices. Their friendship isn't totally gone and over with, is it?

Blake crosses his arms, looks her over, then shrugs. "Looks like you're in good shape. Just keep your head out of the clouds, the next guy you bump into might not be as forgiving as me." With that, he moves past her and zig-zags through the last of the crowd headed for class.

The late bell rings, but Tsubaki doesn't seem to care. Her hand falls from her earlobe and her heart sinks. No. It's not too late yet. She just has to be patient and wait.

…

She picks at the food on her tray and watches absentmindedly as a pea rolls around the divot in the plastic. Waiting sucks. Her heart aching sucks. The constant urge to cry sucks. But all she can do is sit with all the suckiness and wait. Her lunch tray set on the ground in front of her, Tsubaki sits in Blake's smoke spot with her knees folded up to her chest.

"The old signal, huh?" Blake's voice rings out as he rounds the corner of the school building. There he finds Tsubaki, waiting for his arrival. "Haven't used that in a while. What's up?" He crouches down in front of her.

She can't find it in her to look him in the eye. Her teeth catch her bottom lip, and she tries to focus on that and her breathing before finally whispering, "I need help…"

"Now you need help?" Surely he doesn't meant for the question to sound sarcastic, but the pang in her heart hurts just the same at it.

"What do you mean 'Now you need help'?" she asks.

"I meant what I said. Now you need my help?" He stands back up and takes a step back from her. "I was there for the longest time, waiting for you to let me help you, but instead you just kept distancing yourself from me."

"That's not true!" Tears begin to form in the corner of her eyes, and this time she doesn't have the strength to force them back. "I needed you, and you left me! You started doing drugs and drinking, things you know I don't tolerate, all in an effort to leave me behind!" She tilts her head up to look at him, tears now streaming down her face. "Where were you? I needed you... My brother killed himself, and I needed you!"

The two of them don't move, the silence so incredibly loud. She's finally said it, the words she's meant to tell him for some time now, and it should feel good to get it out and to talk about Blake's abandonment, to talk about Masamune's suicide, to talk about her loneliness, but her heart breaks. And the silence hurts her the longer it goes on.

"You made it pretty clear that you didn't need me, Tsubaki," he replies. "You still don't need me. Figure it out yourself..." He looks away from her, standing there for a long moment like he has more to say or take back, but he says nothing and finally walks away from her.

Her words to Marie echo in her head. "I'm stronger than people give me credit for." Then why does she feel so weak and foolish and alone as she crosses her arms over her knees and does everything in her power not to sob into them.

…

Walking through the front door of her home should be a relief, but Tsubaki tenses and walks cautiously through the house, hoping she won't interrupt either of her parents finally mourning. Once in the living room, she instead finds the two of them all smiles, sitting down to wait for her while her father holds an unopened letter in his hand. "Hopefully some good news!" he says, passing it to her.

Tsubaki takes it carefully and reads the return address. "It's from Julliard," she breathes. Her heart pounds as she begins to open the envelope. This is it. Her dream school, her dream life, it's all coming together after so much heartache. "Dear Ms. Nakatsukasa. We regret to inform you that you have not been selected for additional auditions for our dance program…"

Her heart drops.

Hands shaking, eyes watering for the thousandth time today, she tries her best to keep her breathing as normal as possible. Her mother stands up from her place on the couch and wraps an arm around her, the other hand gently taking the letter from Tsubaki's hands.

"Oh, Tsubaki, I'm so sorry," her mother comforts, gently squeezing her shoulder.

Tsubaki pushes away from her mother and runs down the hallway to her room. Closing and locking the door behind her, she throws herself onto her bed and clutches a pillow close to her chest and sobs loudly. She'd kept it together all day, and now nothing could hold back her crying. She loses everything, her chance at her dream life, her friendship with Blake, her brother. Dainty, delicate, good mannered, good grades, it's all she's ever been allowed to be, but she hurts and she cries. It isn't enough. It will never be enough. She will never be enough.

She rolls over to look at the photo of herself and her brother, smiling and enjoying life. She misses him. They may not have always gotten along, and maybe she wasn't the best little sister, but she loved him and cared for him. And no one can answer the question burned into her heart: why? Why had he chosen to leave them?

As her sobs slowly subside, she starts to hear sounds coming from the other side of the house. Yelling. Her parents yelling. She lets go of the pillow to sit up in her bed, wiping tears from her face. She can't make out their words, just knows that they are arguing about something.

The yelling stops as abruptly as it had begun. It isn't long before footsteps approach and a knock sounds from her door. "Tsubaki?" her mother's muffled voice calls out. "Can I come in?"

Tsubaki slowly climbs out of the bed and goes to unlock and open the door. Her mother stands there, one arm behind her back and eyebrows furrowed. "What is it?" Tsubaki asks.

"I couldn't… I couldn't bear to see you like that," her mother replies, carefully pushing past Tsubaki to enter the room properly. "Your father, he… he wants what's best for you, but this isn't right." She pulls an envelope from behind her back, the top torn open. It is addressed to Tsubaki.

Tsubaki's hands shake again as she reaches for the envelope. Same return address. She unfolds the letter inside and reads aloud, "Dear Ms. Nakatsukasa, we would like to invite you for further auditions for our dance program…" Her gaze flicks up to her mother. "Is this real? I don't understand."

"When the letter arrived, your father decided it would be best to…," her mother attempts to answer, avoiding eye contact with her. "Well I helped him type up a rejection letter. Harvard really is the best option, but we knew you wouldn't go if Julliard accepted you, so-"

"So you not only read my mail but wrote up a fake rejection? All so I go to the school you want me to go to?"

"Tsubaki, I'm so sorry, I really thought we were doing the right thing, but after your reaction, I just…" Her mother clasps her hands in front of her. "I know you'll make it through your auditions. You have been such an amazing dancer since you were little, and I want you to be successful, but I need you to think it through. Medicine is a field always in high demand, you have always been an excellent student, I know for a fact that you will succeed. It's a life with more opportunities than dancing will ever give you."

Tsubaki stares at the floor, gripping the invitation letter tightly in her hands. "It all makes sense now," she finally cuts the silence. "I've been asking myself what would possibly make someone like Masamune kill himself. And now I know." She looks her mother in the eyes and continues, "You pushed him to do it. You've always pushed us to be the perfect children, the perfect family, the perfect life, and he knew he could never live up to your standards. And now you're trying again with me, pushing me to live the life you want me to live without ever stopping to think that it's mine to live out how I want! Maybe being a dancer is a mistake, maybe you're right, but it's my life to live, and I will make and learn from my mistakes in my own way! And I will live the life I want instead of throwing it away attempting to play your silly games!" Tsubaki points to her bedroom door. "Get out!"

"But Tsubaki, you don't-"

"I said out!"

Her mother purses her lips and slowly walks out without another word.

Tsubaki closes the door behind her and locks it again. She reads over the words of the letter once again, and the rage within her starts to settle. Crawling into bed, she takes a deep breath and sighs. "I did it," she says, looking over to the photo of herself and Masamune again. "I really did it."

It isn't long before she drifts off to sleep, letter still clutched in her hand.

…

A light tink sounds from the window. Then another. Then a third, heavier thunk that finally pulls Tsubaki from her slumber. Sleepily, she stumbles to her window to spot Blake pulling rocks from the front garden bed. She opens the window and hisses, "Blake, what are you doing?"

"I'm throwing rocks at your window, duh," he says in a loud whisper.

"I'm on the ground floor, you could just knock."

"I guess I was going with the old cliche," he replies. He drops the rocks and approaches her window. "I wanted to talk to you. Let me in, would ya?"

Tsubaki tilts her head. "Do you know what time it is? My parents will be furious if I let you in this late."

"They won't know if I come through the window."

She opens her mouth to protest, but stops as she recalls her return home. So what if they're mad at her? She's mad at them, and a little teenage rebellion never hurt anyone. She offers Blake her hand and helps him crawl through her bedroom window and into the room.

"So, uh," Blake starts. "I was kind of a bastard earlier, huh?"

Tsubaki doesn't answer.

"Yeah, well, I guess… I guess I came to apologize. I know you've been hurting real bad for the last year, and I could have been a better friend." He looks her in the eyes. "I'm sorry."

She sighs and goes to sit on the bed. "I'm sorry, too. I didn't mean to distance myself from you, I just… I kept being told to be strong, and I thought that meant doing it on my own and isolating myself." Her voice catches in her throat as she continues, "I really needed you, and I took you not reaching out when I distanced myself as you not wanting to be my friend anymore."

He sits down next to her on the bed. "I thought maybe you didn't need me around anymore."

Tears slowly roll down her cheeks, and Tsubaki reaches for Blake's hand to hold it. He doesn't resist. "I missed you so much," she chokes out. Suddenly she's pulled into his chest, hand she was once holding now patting her head.

"There there, I know I'm like a god or something, but no need for tears," he teases.

She laughs, and god does it feel good to laugh genuinely again. She doesn't remember the last time she did that. Leaning into the embrace, she sighs and lets the tears flow freely. She really had missed him all this time.

"What do you need, Tsu?" Blake asks.

She pulls away from him long enough to look him in the eyes and say, "Keep holding me?"

He nods but pulls away to scoot across the bed. Patting the open space beside him, he holds an arm out to invite her to cuddle.

Tsubaki can't help but remember her parents most likely being furious at this arrangement, but pushes it aside. Nothing will happen. It's Blake. She trusts him more than anyone, and she missed him, and she -

Does she love him? More than friends do? As she lays down next to him, his arm slung over her to hold her close, she can't imagine anyone else here but him. Is that because they've been such close friends for so long prior to their split? They spent so much time together since middle school, surely that would be why her heart flutters as he spoons her.

Maybe she's in denial. But for now, here, this is enough. Her crying stops and sleep takes them both, and the future can wait. For now there is only the two of them.

…

Tsubaki wakes from the best sleep she's had in a year to find Blake sprawled out on his side of her bed. His stomach is exposed by his pulled up shirt, and she has the decency to blush at the sight of his abs. She pulls the covers up over him, and slowly rises out of bed and out of her room towards the bathroom.

On her way back, she encounters her father leaving her parents' bedroom. "Tsubaki, um… about yesterday…"

"Blake stayed the night," Tsubaki replies, looking down at the bathroom door handle. "Just thought you'd want to know."

"You had a boy sleep over?" her father fumes.

She looks to him. "Do you have something to say?"

He stares at her, fumbling for words.

"That's what I thought," she says, and pushes past him back to her room.

There, Blake stretches from his spot on the bed. "Cool if I get ready for school here? No one's gonna care if I wear the same shirt twice, right?"

She laughs. "I'm sure they wouldn't dream of telling a god like you if they did."

"Yeah, that's right!" he laughs back with her.

Things may never be the same as they were. The invitation is only that, an invitation, not an acceptance yet, but the future seems brighter. Especially when he stands by her side.