CHAPTER 23

TW: Heavily implied thoughts and intentions of self harm (no actual self harm goes on though), mentions of self harm weapon but again no actual self harm takes place. Please proceed at your own expense.

Trigger warning: self harm mentions/implied thoughts

The next morning wasn't a pleasant one. By the time Beth got to the dorms, Avery was long asleep. It was late morning, almost noon when both girls got up. Beth groaned and held her head. She knew she overdid it. Her memory was hazy but she knew one thing was for sure, she and Avery had gotten into a fight. She managed to bring her head up, shielding her eyes from the light that was streaming in through the windows. Avery was already up and reading in her bed.

"Hey…" Beth's voice was raspy from sleep. Clearing her throat she started again, "can we talk about the…thing that happened?"

"You mean the fight at the semi formal?" Beth winced at the tone.

Avery was in no mood to put on her usual shy and reserved attitude. She knew she needed to be upfront about how she was feeling and not push things down like in the past. Another perk of therapy, learning how to stand up for myself.

"Okay, I get why you're upset-"

"Upset? No, I'm far past upset. I've entered the realm of pissed off."

"Fair enough. I know it's a poor excuse but I had one too many drinks that impaired my judgment and when I saw you and him dancing, I got jealous. He's like the second man I've ever been with… physically. So I sided with him over you. Even though I've known you longer."

"And all I'm saying is that he's a bad influence. Look how quick it took for you to be manipulated by him. How quick he turned you against me. You've changed into a person I barely recognize. You're constantly out at frat parties and nightclubs with him! I come home to an empty room most of the time! You're skipping some of your classes to spend time with him. I miss you! I miss my sister!"

"Are you asking me to choose? Because I don't think I can choose. And excuse me for finally having fun in my goddamn life! I'm finally living! I'm not gonna be a stuck up person who judges everyone from her high tower, looking down on the rest of us. Don't think I haven't noticed the way you flaunt your academic success. I'm sorry I'm not on the same level as you are. You're just someone who hides behind books and her internship at the museum! Seriously, you spend all your free time there. Are you jealous of me that I have a life and all you have are dusty old artifacts to look forward to? That you're practically destined to spend the rest of your life alone like a spinster? You're jealous that I have someone who I deeply care about and you have nothing and no-one!" Her headache didn't prevent her from spilling her thoughts.

"Wow. You know I was almost ready to forgive you. But you just killed that chance. Maybe my life may not be as fun and freeing as yours but it's my life! And I finally found a place where I belong! I thought you were proud of me, but clearly you pity me because my life isn't as grandiose as yours. Well at least I don't show up to class hungover. At least I haven't puked in my laundry hamper because I went out on a wild night bender with my boyfriend. At least I'm gonna go places with this internship. Maybe I am jealous of you for being able to be so carefree and not give a damn about the one person who continuously showed up for you. Like holding your hair back as you puked up a rainbow of jello shots, or making trips to the pharmacy to buy you more Advil for your hangover headaches. Or even making homemade meals out of our dorm's crappy, little kitchen to help get your blood sugar back up! I'm sorry I can't be the person you clearly want me to be. I'm sorry I can't be a shallow, self absorbed copy of you!" She quickly packed her backpack with some clothes and other essentials before slamming the door to their room. She made a quick pitstop to the bathrooms to change her clothes.

Beth was too stunned to even speak. Her best friend, her roomie, had all but thrown the kitchen sink at her with her harsh words. She grabbed one of her pillows and screamed into it before collapsing into a fit of crying rage. How could things have gone from bad to worse so quickly?

Meanwhile Avery was desperately trying to hold it all together, she didn't want to be anywhere near campus. She wanted to go to the museum and lock herself into the archives room. Larry would understand hopefully. Tears pricked the corner of her eyes but she furiously blinked them away. Not even caring about the people she bumped into on their way out, Avery stomped up the stairs into the museum and proceeded to march herself down to the archives room. She made a makeshift sign that said do not disturb, and carefully shut the door. The museum isn't who she was angry with, so there was no need for her to slam the door. She collapsed onto the floor and finally allowed herself to release her tears, her pain, her frustrations. It got to the point where she was hyperventilating because she was crying so hard. Her heart hurt and felt broken beyond repair.

(TW: Here is where it starts to mention/imply self harm)

Old vices started to look better and better as a way to ease her pain. She traced the scars on her wrists and wondered if she should add a few more. She hadn't self harmed herself in years but the pain was fresh and poignant. She became deeply tempted to resort to those old ways. Her eyes became glossy and glazed over and she started a search for a weapon.

Just one little cut, that's all I need. Afterall it was my fault that we got into an argument. It was my words that hurt Beth. Did I mean everything I said? Why can't I do anything right? This just proves that what she said about me is true. All I do is hide behind this museum, I mean look at where I ran to with my tail between my legs! I'm locked in the archives room, surrounded by all the dusty artifacts. She was right about me. I tried to remain calm but ended up blowing up at her. It's all my fault. I'm the worst person ever. She must hate me now. I hate myself. Just one little cut to ease the pain. One little cut to punish myself for overreacting. This is all my fault.

She couldn't find anything in the archive room worthwhile so she darted out of the room to the security office. Thankfully the door was already unlocked. Making sure that no one had seen her she started her search and came upon a box cutter. Her hands curled around the tool as she readied herself to make a cut. But her hand was trembling and her vision was clouded by tears. As if coming to her senses, she looked down at her hands and disgusted by her impulsive thoughts, she threw it away from herself. The sound of the metal tool clattering to the floor seemed to further bring her to her senses. She backed up and sat upon the old leather couch, her breathing uneven. She was scared to have gone as far as to find a weapon to harm herself with, at the museum no less!

She shakily wrapped her arms around herself and brought her knees to her chest. In this fetal position she managed to feel both secure yet trapped. She felt the adrenaline leaving her system, draining her of her energy. She laid down on the couch while still maintaining her fetal position and closed her eyes. She needed a nap and there was no way she was going back to the dorms at least for a little while. Since the semester was over and finals were done, she didn't technically have to go back. Of course she had to collect her stuff before the dorms closed but still she had nowhere to go. The museum was the best place for her right now.

Maybe I can live here over the break. I can't go with Beth to her house. I don't want to go home to see my aunt. I have no one I can turn to.

She did the only thing she could think of and closed her eyes. She needed some rest. And so she slept for most of the day. Her dreams were not pleasant either. They were just retellings of the big fight. Not even in sleep could she find peace.

(self harm is a tricky habit to beat. It's sneaky. Please seek help if you can. It helps to have someone to talk to. I apologize if this has triggered anyone, but I have also struggled with self harm in the past.)