A/N: just like a few chapters ago, the formatting looks better on AO3 than it does here ;)
Ch. 23 – Death Is Merciful
It only takes a single mistake and it costs dearly.
Blood pools all around him, gushing through fingers that hopelessly try to stop it from pouring out of the fatal wound in his neck. It's too deep to heal and too late to stop death from taking him. He's on the ground and alone in the woods, except for the monster standing above him with a blade of cryo coated in his blood.
It's not speaking, simply standing there and watching him slowly die. The look in its Abyssal eyes makes it seem like it's frustrated, but why would that be? The monster is the one that won the fight.
He was just trying to get home for Diluc's birthday.
It kneels beside his body and leans over him. "Be grateful, Alberich, for death is merciful."
His hands fall away from his neck as the last of his strength finally leaves him. The gift he'd gotten lays nearby, the top of its little red box open and the owl pin in the blood-stained grass.
A single tear falls from his eye. He doesn't want to die.
A grim thought crosses his mind. At least now he doesn't have to choose between Mondstadt or Khaenri'ah.
Sorry… 'Luc…
The last thing he sees are those cold eyes staring down at him.
-x-
Kaeya is roughly pulled back into reality. His hands remain clasped in front of him while his body is still stuck in the same position he's been in this entire time. The orb seems to be shining brighter and even clearer although everything else seems blurry. He doesn't try to get into a more comfortable position nor does he fight against the control the Sinner has over him. He's long since given up.
He just wants it to end.
How many times has he experienced death now?
Ten times?
Twenty?
He's lost count.
Now that he thinks about it, it isn't that death is awful. Death itself is actually quite peaceful. He could consider himself to be an expert at this point. No, it's believing the hallucination he's in is real and inevitably encountering the herald.
It's dying.
It's the pain, slowly suffering, knowing that he won't survive whatever happened to him, and finally, it's acceptance—only to be ripped away and thrown into another awful hallucination that makes him feel so hopeless and distraught.
Then it repeats.
He can't take it anymore.
I can't take it.
He doesn't know if those are his own thoughts.
"Be grateful, Alberich, for death is merciful," the herald says.
Its voice echoes those same words.
"Be grateful, Alberich, for death is merciful."
Over.
"Be grateful, Alberich, for death—"
And over.
"Be grateful—"
And over.
Its cold yet sympathetic tone is starting to make him go insane—if he hasn't yet already. How can he be grateful for something he's not experienced yet? Maybe the herald was trying to give what little comfort it could, knowing what would happen in a different life, one where he somehow remembers only the previous one.
Kaeya watches the orb flare to life. He feels empty and numb.
Death is merciful.
Death would allow him to finally rest.
Someone pets his head, gently caressing him as he begins to fall again. "This is a necessity, little one," the Sinner's voice tells him. "You chose this."
He's so tired.
No more, he tries to beg them.
The hands fall from his body. "You are close. You need not suffer for much longer."
Disparity swallows him. No, please, I'm sorry—!
He begins to fade again. All he can feel is despair as his surroundings darken and he falls into a memory that he isn't sure is his or not.
-x-
Kaeya pinches the bridge of his nose as a migraine starts to form. Strange dreams kept him up late these past few days. He can't remember what they were about, but he knows that if he goes back to sleep now, Master Varka will not be pleased to see him sleeping at his desk. Again.
Honestly, it's his fault for making all of the knights work so much overtime.
He stands up and grabs the stack of completed paperwork he'd been working on. Life as a quartermaster isn't bad, although sometimes he'd prefer to go out and join Diluc and Jean on various missions and expeditions throughout the countryside than be stuck inside his stuffy office. He at least wishes he could have an office that has windows, but because of the sensitivity and nature of his position, no information is allowed out.
Another thing about it is that it's too close to Eroch's office. The inspector always gives him the creeps. He shivers involuntarily the more he thinks about the man.
He huffs in bitterness. Why is he allowed to have a window? He probably has more sensitive information in there than he does in his filing cabinets. He walks around his desk and looks up as something appears between him and the door. It looks… familiar.
Wake up.
He puts a hand against his head. Wake up? He is awake, is he not?
He looks up at the ceiling as a gate of stars shoots open and blocks his path to the door. He takes a step back as a large monster walks through the portal. His heart pounds in his chest. He doesn't have a sword in the office, weapons are banned inside headquarters—
"Alberich," it says.
He drops the paperwork. Is this herald working for his father? He tries to calm himself down. After all these years, is it finally time to reunite with the man who'd abandoned him? With what little he can remember of his mother tongue, he asks, "Did my father send you?"
It tilts its head. "No," it replies in the same language.
"Then what business do you have with me?" An easy smile finds its way onto his face. "I must say, this is a rather unfortunate time for you to have dropped by. As you can see, I'm quite busy—"
"You are Kaeya Alberich, descendant of Chlothar Alberich, the founder of the Abyss Order."
His eye goes wide in shock at that. He'd suspected it, but hearing the monster say that out loud… is rather surprising.
What's even more alarming is the blade that embeds itself into his stomach in a flash of light.
It's cold.
It feels like someone punched him hard in the gut, and he grunts in pain as it pulls the cryo out. He can't make a stronger noise out, even if though it hurts.
It hurts!
Why does it feel like this has already happened?
He grabs the edge of his desk in an attempt to break his fall. He puts his other arm against the stab wound.
When he looks up, he sees that the monster looks displeased.
He barely manages to avoid its next attack by ducking, although he is too slow to avoid the kick it sends. He screams in pain as it hits his fresh wound and sends him crashing to the floor, getting blood all over his freshly completed paperwork. Master Varka won't be happy about that.
Someone shouts from the other side of his office door and pounds against it. More voices shout from the hall. The door should be unlocked, so why aren't the guards simply walking inside?
A thick sheet of ice seals it shut.
For the first time in years, fear pumps its way through his veins. There's no way out. He's trapped in here with this monster.
The tall monster leans down and lifts him up by the neck, squeezing so hard he hears something crack. He kicks out at the monster when his feet can't touch the ground, his blood-covered hands clawing at the hand that strangles him.
The monster doesn't do anything else. It keeps its death hold on him, watching as his strength is slowly sapped and his kicking starts to stop as his arms drop.
He's pulled close as darkness begins to take him away.
"Be grateful, Alberich, for death is merciful."
A final squeeze and he falls.
-x-
Violet swirls in front of him. He can't look away from it.
No more…
A hand gently pets his head. He is grateful for the Sinner's comfort. "You are still fighting, little one," they tell him.
He wants to shake his head. I promise I won't fight.
He feels like he can see them smiling at him. As if they are a tangible being, they lean close to his ear and whisper, "You break your promises. You said so yourself. Alas, I cannot trust you. Not yet."
No, I swear—
"Let go. Then all of this will end."
Please—
He falls.
-x-
He's clawing at the large hand holding him underwater. Those icy blue eyes never leave him, unwavering as the herald drowns him in the river.
Is this real?
No, he tells himself. This is fake—this isn't real.
His lungs burn and scream for air.
This is not real!
He can't breathe.
What is real?
It hurts.
-x-
"Be grateful, Alberich, for death is merciful."
-x-
Diluc is here. He's shaking him by his shoulders, shouting his name. Disbelief washes over him. What is Diluc doing here? Doesn't he know how dangerous this place is? He can feel him being torn away from him. He wants to get up and help him, he knows that arm that had snatched his brother away all too well.
He knows that the herald will not spare his brother's life. He's going to die.
He can still feel it strangling him. Stab him. Tear him open. Hear its words—
"Be grateful—"
And yet he remains where he is, still kneeling in front of a statue and slowly losing his mind. He can't even take his eyes off the orb. Every minuscule part of him is trapped, from moving his toes to moving a little muscle in his neck. He's never been so still before.
Please, not Diluc, he begs. Spare him! He has nothing to do with this!
The Sinner doesn't respond.
He hears a deep voice yelling from somewhere else. His sluggish mind tries to piece together who the other person is. He knows he's heard them before but he doesn't know where from. Blond hair and a mask pops into his mind but as quickly as it comes, it is torn away.
It feels like something is stabbing into his brain when he tries to remember who the voice belongs to. Trying to remember hurts, so he quickly gives up.
I won't fight! I promise!
Another lie.
The Sinner knows it.
He falls.
-x-
A blond woman is sobbing above him and the red-haired man on his other side is shouting words he can't comprehend. He's pressing against his chest, like he's trying to stop something from coming out.
The cloth he's holding is already turning red.
The woman looks heartbroken, apologizing over and over again. The man hasn't given up trying to stop the bleeding.
Who… are they?
He feels like he should know them. He wants to tell him that he'll be fine. He isn't hurting anymore. He feels lighter than he has in a long time.
Nothing responds to his commands, but that's all right. At least he can breathe. He feels weak, and whatever pain he felt from his lower half isn't there.
His sight darkens and the last thing he hears is an all-too-familiar voice.
-x-
He is tired.
His body is numb. All he can see is burning violet, flaring around him and coating everything in the same color.
He falls again. He expects it this time.
-x-
A blond woman is sobbing above him and the red-haired man on his other side is shouting words he can't comprehend. He's pressing against his chest, like he's trying to stop something from coming out.
The cloth he's holding is already turning red.
The woman looks heartbroken, apologizing over and over again. The man hasn't given up trying to stop the bleeding.
Who… are they?
He feels like he should know them. He wants to tell him that he'll be fine. He isn't hurting anymore. He feels lighter than he has in a long time.
Nothing responds to his commands, but that's all right. At least he can breathe. He feels weak, and whatever pain he felt from his lower half isn't there.
His sight darkens and the last thing he hears is an all-too-familiar voice.
-x-
"Be grateful, Alberich—"
His last name isn't Alberich, is it? He thought it starts with an 'R.'
"—for death is merciful."
-x-
He slumps against an invisible wall, head hanging low and arms beside him with his palms facing the sky. He can't find it in himself to make any kind of movement, even when the fog rolls over his legs as someone else approaches him.
It's quiet in this strange place.
He wants it to end.
He feels numb.
Empty.
"Be grateful, Alberich, for death is merciful."
Over and over and over and over—
He wants to scream, cry, and laugh all at the same time.
His body remains as still as an empty husk.
The being kneels beside him and places a hand on his cheek. "Our fates are bound to each other," they say. "Your fate is mine, and mine is yours."
Fate is a funny thing. He doesn't laugh.
"You want it to end, do you not?"
He finds it in himself to slowly nod.
The being is satisfied. "Close your eyes. I will give you endless joy. No more suffering."
"No… more…" he echoes softly.
Their other hand makes its way on his other cheek and they lean forward so their foreheads touch. "All that your heart desires."
He closes his eyes.
"You deserve your rest."
He falls a final time.
-x-
A boy is shaking his shoulders, his eyes wide with panic and an open wound bleeds from his temple. He should tell the boy to apply pressure to it before he starts to suffer from blood loss. The boy's eyes dart around as his mouth moves, yelling something he can't understand.
He drops his arms into his lap.
No…
They do.
They move their body with invisible strings and the other boy takes their hands and helps them stand up. Like a newborn baby, they stumble with each step as blood flow returns to their legs.
The redhead wraps his arms around their body and pulls them into a tight embrace. "Kaeya!" he yells. "You're okay now! I got you! Let's go!"
He takes their hand, but they don't move from their spot.
The boy looks back at them, fear clear in his expression. "Kaeya, come on!" he shouts.
A monster howls in rage nearby. A man shouts in pain soon after.
It's cold.
"Kaeya!"
They lift their eyes to meet his gaze. "Who… are you?" they ask.
The boy stills. "It's me! It's Diluc! I'm your big brother!" The grip on their hand tightens as they look up at him. He pales as he stares at something that must be on their face and shakes his head in disbelief. "What did it do to you?" he whispers.
They don't respond.
Tears fill his eyes as he tries to tug their hand again to get them to walk. "Please, Kaeya, we have to go! I—I'll fix this! I promise! I'm sorry I didn't protect you like I promised, but we need to leave! I'll get your vision and we can go home! Father and everyone else are so worried—"
The boy lets out a choked noise and his face twists in shock and pain. He looks down at his chest.
The tip of a cryo blade is piercing through the middle of his chest, stabbing him from behind.
They know what that feels like.
The boy barely makes a sound as the monster pulls the blade from his back and shoves him aside as if he weighs nothing. Their gaze follows him as he hits the ground and lands on his stomach.
Something in them screams.
"Truly, a tragedy," they say as blood pools around the boy's prone body. "Know that I shall shed a tear for you, young Diluc."
The boy slowly moves his eyes to them, his face twisted in pain as he weakly gasps for air. Tears are falling from his red eyes. "K-Kae…ya…" he chokes out.
The herald immediately drops to its knees in front of them. It puts a shaking arm over its chest and bows its head low. It's dying, they notice. It will not last another minute in this world. "My lord," it says.
They put a hand on its helm. "You have done well. Your duty has been fulfilled." They smile at it. "My most faithful follower. You may rest now. Sleep, and dream of endless fortune."
The herald's eyes close and it lets out a sigh of relief. In a matter of seconds, it crumbles into ash that dissipates in thin air soon after.
They don't look at the boy on the ground as they descend the stairs. The light in his eyes has already faded, his gaze blank as he stares off into nothing.
The shivering man frozen in place is what has gained their attention. His uncovered eye is closed as blood falls from somewhere near his hairline and down his face. He struggles against the ice, although it is useless. His kneeling body remains trapped in hard, unyielding cryo.
They raise an arm to place a hand against his cheek gently. He flinches from the touch. His skin is as cold as the ice encasing him. Had it not been for his curse, he surely would have died by now. "I am sorry to finally meet you this way, Dainsleif," they say. "Had I known this would be our first encounter, I would not have allowed you to become involved in any way."
"This is what you wanted, then?" he demands through chattering teeth. He sounds defeated, and yet, he does not give up. "To murder an innocent child and possess another?"
"It is unfortunate that freedom comes at a great cost." They pull their hand away to look at the dead boy and watch as his blood falls down the steps in a slow river that is sure to stain the stone for years to come. "You may watch as I fulfill my promise. I shall release you and your people from your curse, and I shall grieve for all that will be lost, including you." Their expression softens and they look back at him. "You have suffered for far too long, Dainsleif. I shall release you."
Dainsleif glares at them. "Your false promises give me no hope." He looks to be on the verge of passing out, his lips as blue as the emblem on his chest.
"They are not false promises." They smile as a single tear rolls down their cheek.
It burns.
"For the child who lost his life, just as I promised." They raise their arm, palm facing Dainsleif. "And now to release you from your curse."
He tenses as black and violet energy swirls in their palm. It builds with a bit of wind, almost sucking as much of it as possible until they hesitated. The energy flickers and their eyes widen.
Dainsleif looks confused when nothing happens, but realization quickly takes over when the energy disappears. "Fight him, Kaeya!" he shouts. "Don't stop fighting—!"
"Quiet," they snap at him. It's the harshest their voice has been, a tone they do not enjoy using.
The cryo stretches up his neck to cover his mouth and chin, locking his head in place. Dainsleif winces, but he is helpless to do anything else except watch them turn away.
They lift their eyes to the chained statue. Its glowing is long gone and looks just like any other Statue of the Seven: gray and lifeless. The boy's body looks the same. "I won't go back," they say through gritted teeth. "This is my vessel. This body is mine."
Dainsleif watches them, and then flicks his eyes at the caged vision. The gem glows bright and true. To him, it is a clear sign that Kaeya is still in there. That this being has not fully taken over his body.
It would be easier to simply kill him and take the Sinner down alongside. But if he has been fully possessed, he doubts that would be a permanent fix. Although he knows that Kaeya isn't really a child, all he would see and feel like he would accomplish is that he murdered a second child. It's not something he wants to add to his already heavy conscious.
He closes his eyes to concentrate. Warmth pours into his own palm as his own power builds. If he can't free himself, he can at least free the vision. It will most likely help Kaeya—if he's still in there.
They don't hear it until after the ice falls to the floor and shatters. Their eyes shoot toward the vision as it clatters to the ground and then make their way back to the man. The cryo has already spread to cover his hand again, fully trapping him once again. They smile and approach it. "This vision… a blessing from the divine," they say. They crouch down and pick it up. "Fascinating, really."
Dainsleif watches them, dismayed. Nothing seems to have happened. They can touch the vision as if it's their own. Maybe that's why the cryo has yet to release him.
They look at him again. "You must agree that the divine are to be punished for their wrongdoings. They destroyed your nation, murdered your people, and cursed the survivors." They smile again. "I will spare you, if you so desire. Join us, and you may reunite with the one you lost. She would very much like to see you."
Without the ability to speak, his eyes do the talking. He knows exactly who they're talking about. Lumine.
"With enough time, you two may yet reconcile. At the present time, she is elsewhere as she is needed in other places. We may join her together." They raise their free hand to him. "What say you, Bough Keeper?"
The cryo falls just from his mouth to allow him to speak. "L-Lumine is… l-lost. She n-needs to find h-herself again," he stutters softly. He tries not to stammer, but the cold is getting to be too much. "B-but I w-will not help h-her if it means she chooses t-the Abyss ag-again."
They lower their arm. "That is a shame. It would have put my mind at ease knowing you would be there to protect her."
"I did, o-once. Until she m-met Chlothar. Until she met you." He narrows his eyes at them. "Your w-words and f-false promises mean n-nothing to me." It's getting more difficult to speak the longer he's trapped in this cryo prison. He doesn't know how long he'll be able to keep this up.
They sigh. "Very well." They look at the vision. "Let the gods deal swift judgment upon you, Dainsleif. Just like the child and all those before him, I shall shed a tear for you at the end of time. Goodbye."
The vision glows and Dainsleif winces as he's blinded by the sudden light.
-x-
Kaeya reaches out, his mouth opening in a silent scream. No… no—no, no! Not Diluc!
Diluc isn't like him. He doesn't lie. He doesn't spy.
He doesn't get second chances.
His brother's body is still in his mind's eye, too still, too quiet. Diluc isn't supposed to be that still or quiet. He's loud, he's playful, and he always worries about others more than himself.
He can't be dead.
Kaeya quietly sobs and shakes his head. It doesn't take a blind man to know that he's gone. What's worse is that it's his fault. Diluc is gone, dead because of his own failure.
He isn't strong, not like him. He couldn't fight back as Dainsleif called for. He just watched as cryo kept the injured, undying man trapped in a domain so far from home behind eyes that are no longer his in a body that he no longer operates.
Death is merciful.
He screams and wants to curl over and hold his head. The herald's voice still repeats in his head, even though it is dead.
"Death is a mercy I shall not grant."
The Sinner meant it. He would rather die than be here, trapped in his own body. He can't find it in himself to fight anymore.
"You chose this," the Sinner tells him.
No, I didn't, he weakly answers. I just—I just wanted to be free.
"As do I."
He drops his hands. There's no point in fighting anymore.
He couldn't protect his brother, so how can he fight against this seemingly omnipresent being? He doesn't have that kind of power.
"Now, sleep. Forget about the Ragnvindr child."
Memories of a redheaded boy are rapidly stolen. He feels disparity as they go one by one.
"We are one in the same. You are me, and I am you."
That… doesn't sound right. He feels a headache coming on.
"Rest for your journey is now over. You are free."
I… I am?
He's free.
He can finally rest—
"Do not give in to his lies," a new voice interrupts.
He has heard those words before. He has repeated them himself sometimes. Kaeya lifts his weary eyes to look around. The strange domain remains the same. The invisible walls are too sturdy, the fog at his feet too thick. The starry sky, floor, and walls have not moved. He's alone.
He's heard that high-pitched voice before. He's heard it more than once. It makes him feel safe, as if a heavy burden is lifted whenever he speaks to them.
He covers his face as the domain swirls and changes, rapidly turning into a jungle he can recognize. Without thinking about it, he turns to face the cliff, expecting to see the owner of the voice.
The hilichurl turns to face him.
"Hello, Kaeya."