Regenderation: Part Six

Clara

She was woken up by someone licking her face. She had been married to a weird alien for ten years, and never in her life had she been woken up by someone licking her face. It was becoming a trend, Waking Clara Up in Weird Ways, after Adam Mitchell making her nose and lips turn blue that morning, and not a trend she was enjoying. She spluttered and coughed and rolled around to try and shake whatever was doing it, and whatever it was whined and moved.

"Rise and shine, sleepyhead," said the Doctor's new American accent. When Clara opened her eyes she could see that there was a fire wherever there were, and that – thank god – it had not been the Doctor who had woken her up by licking her mouth. There was a dog in the room, a mongrel, which had only three legs and a very glassy look in one of its eyes. After Clara had shrugged it off it had gone to lay down by the fire. "You won't believe it, Coo. We've been abducted by the porn goblins." To Clara it looked like they were even deeper in the bowels of the library, and she tried to sit up but struggled. This was when she realised she was handcuffed to a bookshelf, a very heavy one stacked with maybe a hundred old tomes, right at the leg of it so that she couldn't rightly sit up.

"Why did you let that dog lick me? I don't like dogs," Clara grumbled.

"He was only doing it for a moment, and I'm not the jealous type." Clara knew that was a lie for sure, Thirteen was definitely the jealous type. She remembered ten years ago hearing the way Thirteen talked about Jane Austen. "Don't phase out of the handcuffs."

"You like me tied up now, do you?"

"We're both tied up, actually," said the Doctor behind her, "You've got handcuffs stolen from the dead soldier, I've got some gross old rope."

"We were crouched on the floor, then we looked up and saw a face, and what happened after that?" Clara asked, noting the irony of it now being she who had to ask her amnesiac wife to refresh her memory.

"It knocked us out, whatever it is," Thirteen explained, "Woke up here. But I think we've heard this story from the wrong side, because if it was really a monstrous, ravenous creature, we'd both be dead. Well, I'd be dead, you would pass through its entire digestive tract in little pieces until eventually re-growing all your limbs from scattered droppings."

"Oh, what a bright future."

"Plus, the dog. The dog would be dead. And the other dog. And the three cats. And the chinchilla. This is like the episode of South Park with the Woodland Critters – next thing you know they'll be trying to turn one of us into the unbaptised host of the antichrist and we'll have to train a mountain lion cub to carry out an abortion."

"What excellent retention – since when have you ever watched South Park?" Clara questioned her, struggling to try and sit up. Her intangibility wasn't working; typical superpowers. Always got taken out for a while if she got knocked out suddenly.

"Background knowledge. Gets absorbed into the old cranium and brought out whenever I need to switch personalities. So what is this personality?" she mused.

"Don't worry, you're still a geek, just a bit cuter..." she muttered.

"You think I'm cuter than I was before?"

"Can you carry on telling me what's going on? And why the cast of a bootleg version of Bambi is staring at us?" It was creepy. Across the room on the other side of the fire were the exact animals Thirteen had described, all in rough shape and all watching them. Clara desperately wanted to wash her face free of dog slobber.

"Oh, well, I think Kate is pretty damn wrong about the whole situation. Because these all look a lot like missing pets, and I can't help but notice they're not dead," said the Doctor.

"But that one has one leg," Clara said, looking at the dog that had woken her up, "What if it cut the dog's leg off and ate it and left it alive? Like, to keep the meat fresh? I've heard about cannibals doing that to people." There was a long pause from the Doctor.

"Well that's morbid. You humans really do have a penchant for cruelty."

"Excuse me?" Clara asked through a grunt as she finally managed to sit up with her arms still bound tightly behind her.

"These poor animals are all wounded, I've been talking to them," Thirteen said knowingly, meeting Clara's eyes and smiling a little now that they could actually see each other. She was looking dishevelled, but still quite beautiful.

"Of course you have…" Clara sighed and looked away for a moment.

"Do you know Animal Hoarders?"

"Yes, I make you watch it all the time."

"Those people think they're helping, right? But they're doing more harm than good. That's what's going on here."

"Okay, for the purposes of this exercise, can we pretend that I'm a thirty-five-year-old human woman who doesn't follow all the vague 'revelations' you're imparting, and you can be a twelve-hundred-year-old alien who knows exactly what's going on and suddenly gains the ability to very concisely explain everything without being enigmatic."

"But being enigmatic is half the fun."

"And all the fun is us getting out of here sooner so that we can go and get sushi for lunch and I can wash my face."

"Oh, get over it, a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's because of the germ-busting bacteria they have in there," the Doctor said, "And this is what I mean about the cruelty – cruelty to animals. You know, you're a pretty unempathetic species on the whole."

"You mean 'non-empathetic.' 'Unempathetic' isn't a word. And why am I getting insulted like this? I'm not cruel to animals. I'm nice enough to you, aren't I? And you're a different species."

"I'm a better species, though," she smirked. Clara glared at her, and when she saw this her boastful smile disappeared, "Sorry. That was a joke."

"I'm not in the mood for jokes, you've not even been back for twenty-four hours and already we've been kidnapped and tied up by a flesh-eating monster."

"So it's business as usual."

"How would you know what 'usual' is?" Clara questioned her.

"Oh. Well. I think I remember. I think that being knocked unconscious really helped the regeneration energy come to the fore and get all its fixing done, though I'm still a little rough around the edges. And I have a headache," explained the Doctor. "So. Um. Yeah. Memories, and stuff." Clara looked at her for a long while, though the Doctor was watching the animals. Eventually she caught Clara's eye and went slightly pink when she realised Clara had been staring at her. "What?"

"Why did you jump into the sea?" Clara asked seriously.

"Oh." Thirteen didn't speak, she looked at the grimy floor next to her. Clara didn't ask twice, but she didn't say anything else, either. Just waited. "To impress you. It's not like I thought I was gonna die-"

"You idiot."

"Yep..."

"Why would you think you need to do stupid stunts to impress me? I'm your wife."

"Well, yeah, I can't have my wife stop thinking I'm cool."

"I've never thought you were cool." The Doctor looked at her flatly.

"Thanks, Clara." They sat in silence for a few minutes.

"What's going on, then? Why are we tied up in a basement? You're not into bondage now you've regenerated, are you? Because personally I'm not particularly comfortable with that. And when I say 'particularly' I mean 'not at all.'"

"It's a fairy."

"…What?"

"A fairy."

"For a minute there I thought you said 'fairy.'"

"Yes. A fairy."

"As in a cute little woodland spirit?"

"Not exactly. Okay, so, Earth kind of has these two realms, there's the Visible – where we are – and the Invisible."

"Like a parallel world?"

"No, no – like, uh, y'know my buddy? Oc'thubha?"

"The big alien god-thing from another dimension that lives in the mines underneath Hollowmire and brainwashes everyone into being nice and baking shortbread?"

"Exactly. That's not parallel universe, it's a separate facet, a place older than the known universe, a place independent of the known universe."

"So this thing is, like, another god like Oc'thubha?"

"Oh, no, I only said like that. But there are creatures that live in the Invisible that are more powerful than anything on this side of the veil; they can control the elements and choose what shape to take and they're often sort of malevolent."

"Fantastic."

"But I don't think this one is. It's this old story that Jack used to tell when every few hundred years the fairies would come out and they would choose a human child to take to the Invisible with them and turn into another creature like themselves. They don't really mess with this plane of reality much unless there's something in it for them, but it wouldn't surprise me if these things serve as the basis of all kinds of folklore. Even mythologies like Greek and Norse. Anyway, they'd protect the child at all costs and then take it with them, and if anyone tried to hurt the child or stop them there'd be hell to pay."

"And why don't you think this one is evil too?"

"Because it's protecting these animals. Admittedly, a basement is not the best place for them to be living at all – you can tell that just by the smell, and they look malnourished – but its heart is in the right place. If it has a heart. And it hasn't killed us, see, just brought us here. Whereas the UNIT soldier who doesn't understand what it is and tried to shoot at it got slaughtered. But we're weapon-less and not so quick to judge. It was probably following us and listening to us talk for ages before coming out. I think these animals have all been abused and the fairy is protecting them. Or, a similar creature, from the Invisible, probably not quite the same thing."

"…Hey, Kate hasn't come down looking for me!" Clara exclaimed, "Can you believe that? How long have we been down here?"

"An hour-ish."

"An hour-ish!" she repeated shrilly, "What if I was, like, dying? She just makes me go do her dirty work and then leaves me to die. Didn't her father raise her better than that?"

"Hey, Kate's father was a good man and a cherished friend of mine," said the Doctor, "I would have invited him to one of our weddings if he wasn't dead."

"You could just go grab him from a random point in time before he-"

"No, I'm not doing that, there's no good time in his life. I looked into it. Anyway, look at me, I'm female. The 1960s were a very different time, and what's the likelihood of a military man from back then being A-Okay with a gay wedding?"

"Jack's a military man and I daresay he's very okay with a gay wedding. Also, this sort of implies that you're planning a fourth wedding for us."

"Well, I… don't want to be presumptuous," she stammered, "But, erm, y'know I might… it might be good. I'd like it. You know, maybe. If you want."

"Are you proposing?"

"Uh… no. No, forget I said this."

"Oh…" Clara was disheartened.

"Not like that – I'll propose. Again. But in a good way. Not right now." Clara smiled a little, but the Doctor was looking into the fire. Clara was trying her best not to look at the fire, because the things being burned as fuel were books. And most of them were probably to do with porn or some other adults-only content, and she was really quite the fan of pornography. She had amassed an impressive collection of vintage Playboys during her time on the TARDIS*, though the Doctor really didn't need to know anything about all that…

"Do you actually have a plan? Because we've just been sat here talking for ages. Can't we just leave and tell Kate not to send any more soldiers investigating? Since it isn't actually killing any of the pets."

"Yes, I have a plan, and it doesn't involve us leaving."

"Wonderful. I love sitting here waiting for dirty dog saliva to harden on my face."

"Well you're no stranger to having gross bodily fluids on your face now, are you?" she retorted.

"Erm! Excuse me!? That's low."

"You were very low when-"

"Shut up now!"

"…Be nice to the animals. Cruelty to the animals is what got them stolen from their owners in the first place, Coo."

"I'm not being cruel, and to be honest if it came and stole these animals away from me I don't really think I would care."

"I'm serious, Clara, it's probably been listening to our entire conversation trying to work out if we're friend or foe. That or it's gone topside to stalk Kate, but it can't have been doing that for very long because she's not exactly the most interesting person," the Doctor explained, "Be nice or it might rip your throat out."

"Maybe I want my throat ripped out so I wouldn't have to talk to you anymore."

"Rip your own damn throat out."

"BE QUIET!"

Clara screamed. There was a ghastly and grotesque creature standing in the room between them and the fire. Everything about it looked dead, and it reeked like death as well, looming there with lanky arms which hung so close to the floor long, grey fingernails scraped the concrete as it breathed. It had the droopy wings of an insect on its back and a face like a gargoyle's; Clara thought it was horrifying to look at. And it had told them to shut up before making its presence known. So the Doctor was right about it listening in the whole time. They did exactly as they were told and sat quietly, Clara staring at the creature. Eventually the Doctor smiled at it.

"Hi," she said, "It's nice to meet you. I'm the Doctor."

"Why would you teach a mountain lion cub how to perform abortions?" it asked. It didn't move its mouth when it talked, the horrid voice emanating from around them, like it was part telepathic.

"Wow, you're in trouble," Clara said. The Doctor glared at her.

"Because, it… it's complicated," said the Doctor, "It's from a cartoon."

"A cartoon promoting animal cruelty?"

"No, I mean, I don't think the mountain lion cubs really suffered… well, the mother mountain lion did get murdered, but… and then the porcupine gives birth to the antichrist and… so the mountain lion, right, is the only creature that can kill the antichrist, and then he gets tricked into killing the mountain lion before he realises they're trying to, like, bring the antichrist into the world, so… they have to teach the cubs to perform abortions to defeat, you know, the antichrist," the Doctor explained awkwardly. There was a very long pause where it watched her. "It's just a cartoon."

"A cartoon which doesn't do anything to teach people the importance of respecting their fellow species on this planet."

"You were really on the nose when you drew that comparison to Oc'thubha," Clara said to the Doctor.

"Look, it's a comedy, I don't think anybody takes it too seriously-"

"So you think being cruel to animals is funny?"

"No! No, I don't! It's just – you know, it was just a tasteless joke, she didn't even think it was funny," the Doctor nodded at Clara.

"'Be nice, Clara,' 'Don't say anything mean about the animals, Clara,' 'Let's talk about killing lions and performing abortions, Clara,'" Clara copied the Doctor's accent and mocked her.

"Shut up, you're not helping," the Doctor hissed, "I would never be mean to any animals, okay!? Not like locking them up in a basement with a fire that could burn out of control at any moment, considering this entire room is full of books. Clara, tell him I would never be mean to an animal."

"But you just told me I'm not helping and to shut up."

"Oh my god, this is life and death!"

"Fine! My wife is very sorry for any misunderstanding and I can vouch that as long as I've known her she's never been mean to an animal." The creature stared between them, its face an unchanging expression. Maybe it was a gargoyle. But Clara wasn't thinking about that, she was thinking about the fact she had just referred to the Doctor for the first time as 'my wife,' and about how she had often dreamed about one day being able to call another woman her wife, and what a privilege that was.

"Please don't kill me," the Doctor begged. Then the three-legged dog that had licked Clara's face barked, and the creature turned to look at it, then back at them.

"You're lucky. Cuddles says he trusts you."

Clara laughed, "Cuddles? A name for a dog? That's stupid."

"I named him Cuddles."

"Stupidly fitting and catchy," Clara said quickly, "Is obviously what I was going to say. I think it's a great name for a dog."

"Oh yeah, the best name," the Doctor added, both of them nodding, "And, uh, speaking of names, what's your name?"

"Rainbows," it said in its deep, gravelly voice. It sounded like it had been smoking for longer than Clara.

"Your name is Rainbows?" Clara asked.

"Because I control all the rainbows."

"So you're like, a Leprechaun?" The Doctor kicked her for saying that.

"You two are not very nice to each other, to say you are married."

"Some things never change," Clara sighed, "We've always been like this."

"I really don't think you should be keeping these animals down here, Rainbows," said the Doctor, changing the subject. If this had happened to Clara ten years earlier, she would have thought somebody had spiked her drink with LSD. But now she just really wanted to go have something to eat and get out of the stinky, poop-filled library cellar. And away from Rainbows, the most demonic Leprechaun in the known universe.

"I rescued them."

"I've no doubt you did, but seriously, this is a library, they've got whole archives of TV shows upstairs for you to watch. You've gotta see Animal Hoarders, we were just talking about it. And these people, they have good intentions, but they end up doing more harm than good. Do you think Cuddles likes being down here? Huh? Or do you think he'd rather be running around in a park playing Frisbee? Because you can't play Frisbee down here. There are too many shelves. The thing is, I've got a daughter, she's nearly two-hundred-and-nineteen, and she's a Chief Inspector with the police. She'd love to help out with putting an end to any animal cruelty in London and with rehoming some of these critters you've saved. She might even have a special place in her home for one of her own!"

"Let me get this straight. You went out to go to the library and you got cornered by Kate Stewart who sent you down into the basement to find a man-eating monster which turned out to be a fairy-creature from the dawn of time called Rainbows who rescued a bunch of abused animals and then killed a soldier and kidnapped you and then you somehow managed to get it to relinquish all the animals after streaming an episode of Animal Hoarders on Clara's phone, and now you want me to adopt a three-legged, half-blind dog called Cuddles?"

"We also got sushi," Clara added. Jenny stared at them with her hands on her hips, the three of them in the alleyway behind The Lost Cosmonaut. "Look, we pawned the rest of the animals off on Kate, but Rainbows is going to get in contact with you whenever he finds anymore abuse. It's just Cuddles left. He likes you."

"He's trying to pee on me. Don't you pee on me," Jenny told the dog sharply. It whined and sat down at her feet.

"You're always saying you want a dog," the Doctor pointed out to her.

"Yes, I would like a dog, but I would also like to keep being married to my wife, and she doesn't like dogs, does she Clara?" Jenny said to Clara.

"Cuddles is great, though. Seriously, I got to first base with Cuddles earlier."

"You cannot say you got to first base in the context of a dog," said the Doctor, "That's disgusting."

"It licked my face, I think that's pretty disgusting," Clara muttered, her façade dropping. "Alright, fine, you just tell whatshername upstairs that if you don't adopt this dog and give it a good home a very angry monster from before time is going to come and gut both of you. Also," Clara stepped forwards and beckoned for Jenny to come closer, "I think he's quite old and sick already, so, you know…"

"And you're the woman I have to convince to let me keep a dog."

"She does have a pet cat which attacks you on sight," said the Doctor, "Speaking of which, where is Batfink?"

"I have no idea. Not nearby. We'd know if it was nearby," Jenny said seriously.

"You're having the dog," the Doctor said firmly.

"Well obviously I'm having the dog, I can't say no to a poor, three-legged animal in need. You know, maybe Dr Cohen wants a dog. I could ask her?"

"A dog to do what with? Mummify and put on display?" Clara remarked.

"…Alright, fine, maybe I won't ask Dr Cohen, but… I knew it would be like this. With you two."

"What do you mean, us two?" Clara questioned.

"Yeah, what she said," the Doctor added.

"Well I talked to you in the future, you know, and it just seems like you two get into even more trouble than you did when you were still my dad." Jenny sighed. "Fine. But if it ever has to go to the vet then you two are paying for it, even if that means making Adam Mitchell pay for it which I'm sure is exactly what you'll do anyway."

"You've saved our lives!" the Doctor beamed and threw her arms around her daughter in a hug which was, despite Jenny's mood, reciprocated tightly.

"Yeah, well, I don't think you should stay for dinner anymore. You've barely been here for half a day and you've already bumped into a savage fairy monster from another realm, and even worse, Kate Stewart. And if you don't clear off soon you're going to be dealing with a very angry vampire."

"No, Jenny! Don't be like that, I just regenerated!"

"I know, and you've caused plenty of chaos already bringing me a dog. If you stick around for any longer I'm going to end up turning The Lost Cosmonaut into an orphanage for disadvantaged youth, or something."

"Oh, come on," said Clara, "We don't get in that much trouble." Jenny gave her a look. "We don't!"

"Okay, okay," the Doctor relented, "If you're sure you want us to go."

"It's really for the best. We'll have dinner sometime this week. On the TARDIS. Where you can't get into as much bother. But seriously, go before Ravenwood comes downstairs. She'll kill you both."

The Doctor sighed, "We didn't even get to go to the jeweller…"

*chapter 1063