AN: I have a few reasons for writing in a script format at the moment: firstly, because I'm just trying to mix up all the narrative prose a bit and I really enjoy doing script format for this because I really liked the Salem witch trial chapter I did where it was supposed to be like the court transcript (Chapter 873). Secondly because this storyline is going to be VERY character and dialogue heavy, with literally almost all the characters present in one room at the same time, and the only way that won't give me a migraine to write is to do it like a script. And it makes it way easier to follow. But actually it'll switch back to prose for the next two chapters because they aren't pertinent to the Day's actual storyline and you'll see why, I just don't want to spoil anything. Should be a funny one coming up though, I hope.
DAY 153
Supermarket Sweep
[Esther Drummond, Sally Sparrow, Rose Tyler, Ianto Jones and Amy and Rory Williams are gathered together outside of the large 24-hour supermarket in Hollowmire, following Clara Ravenwood's advice that they ought to request Esther's help with the enormous shopping task]
ESTHER. Okay. So, I've divided this list into two different groupings for you and re-arranged everything in the order you'll go down the aisles, so if you start at opposite ends you should eventually meet in the middle and have covered every section of the store with the opportunity to pick up anything that might have been left off the lists. Your rendezvous time – adding in generous estimates for grabbing new shopping carts – should be around 9pm.
IANTO. 9pm? 9:15 when you include any additional browsing time for extra products. And lollygagging.
ESTHER. [Pauses and thinks] That's a really good point… alright, new estimate is 9:15.
SALLY. Oh my god, there's two of them. Two OCD weirdos.
RORY. I don't think you're really supposed to call people 'OCD weirdos.'
SALLY. [Ignores Rory] Liam Kent must have picked the two most boring people on the planet to bring back from the dead.
AMY. Wait until you see his stop watch.
IANTO. Nothing wrong with keeping a stop watch on you. You never know when it might come in handy.
ESTHER. Oh, see, I haven't got a stop watch.
SALLY. No, but you do plan all your meals for the entire week ahead.
ESTHER. Planning ahead is weird now? Coming from you and your doomsday stockpile of baked beans and toilet paper?
[Amy, Rory, Rose & Ianto stare at Sally like she is insane. Esther stands by smugly. Sally cannot think of anything to say to defend herself. She grabs the handle for the shopping trolley to steal it from Esther]
SALLY. Whatever, shall we just go shopping now?
AMY. Me and Rory are staring from way on the opposite end, are we?
[Rory takes their trolley]
ESTHER. Yep. Then meet at the self-checkout.
[They divide. Amy and Rory head together towards the back of the supermarket to go to the opposite end, while Esther meticulously begins she and Sally's separate shop at the same end as Rose and Ianto, at homewares]
SALLY. What do homewares do we even need? [Esther hands her the shopping list. Sally stares at it and then shows it to Rose and Ianto] Do you see this? It's colour-coded. She's crazy. Why do we need new cutlery?
ESTHER. Erm, maybe because somebody keeps losing all of it somehow?
SALLY. Maybe you should just be more careful.
[Esther glares at her]
ROSE. [Walks with the trolley while leaning on it with her arms, which sometimes makes the trolley dip in her direction] Why do you two do your shopping late on Sunday nights? And why is this place even open late on Sunday? Supermarkets usually shut at four.
ESTHER. Well, it shuts during the afternoons on weekdays.
IANTO. A supermarket that shuts during the afternoons on a weekday? Doesn't that seem a bit unusual?
SALLY. It's just because of the cult. [Ianto and Rose both stop and stare at them] What? Do you not know about the cult?
ROSE. What cult…?
SALLY. The cult who run the village, obviously.
IANTO. You live in a village run by a cult? Torchwood once investigated a village run by a cult, they were kidnapping, killing and eating people who got lost out in the valleys around Cardiff.
ESTHER. The followers don't kill and eat people, they mainly, like, bake stuff. Did Donna and the Doctor not tell you about this?
SALLY. Basically, there's this ancient cosmic interdimensional god-thing that lives in the abandoned coal mines called Oc'thubha and he broadcasts telepathic messages to everyone in Hollowmire through TV and radio signals.
ROSE. What!? And the Doctor didn't stop this!? Where is this thing? I'll show him.
ESTHER. Hey, take it easy, it's totally fine.
IANTO. It doesn't sound fine.
SALLY. They just bake.
ROSE. Oh my god. They've got you, haven't they? Brainwashed you?
ESTHER. I wish. Sally'd probably be nicer if Oc'thubha brainwashed her. Honestly, they're fine, and Oc'thubha is pretty cool, he gave me this great recipe for rock cakes. The ingredients are all on my shopping list, actually. He was ostracised by all the other interdimensional god-things for being too nice. He's super into roller disco.
ROSE. Excuse me?
SALLY. It's just a bit of an unusual place, that's all. I think half the people here actually know that Clara is a vampire and they just let her get on with her life. A meteorite literally crashed in the loading bay of this supermarket two days ago and I don't think anyone has been to do anything about it yet. What sort of cutlery?
ESTHER. Buy cheap and buy in bulk.
SALLY. Why don't we get plastic cutlery?
ESTHER. Is that a serious question? Do you literally not care about the environment at all? Do you know that eight million tons of plastic is just dumped in the sea every year?
SALLY. Tell me another one.
ESTHER. It takes up to a thousand years for plastic to biodegrade.
SALLY. How do they know that? We didn't have any plastic a thousand years ago to measure it.
ESTHER. Because of… experiments. Listen, we're not getting plastic cutlery and that's that. [Esther takes a packet of plastic forks away from Sally and drops it back on the shelf, instead picking up packs of cheap, metal cutlery and putting them in the trolley]
SALLY. Please continue, I'm sure we're all fascinated hearing your pointless facts about plastic wastage.
ESTHER. [Glares at her and then speaks very determinedly, as though to prove a point] The average American throws away eighty-four kilograms of plastic every year.
SALLY. The average Americans had better sort themselves out then, hadn't they? Shall we start with you?
ROSE. Will you two be quiet? It's worse than listening to Clara and Oswin argue.
SALLY. Sorry, Esther's just very argumentative sometimes. And she can never fight the urge to make sarcastic comments at every opportunity.
ESTHER. Don't make me shock you.
SALLY. She said, sarcastically.
ROSE. I'm still not over the whole your village is run by a cult thing.
ESTHER. We're not in the cult, some people just aren't susceptible to the TV signals. And all Oc'thubha teaches them is to be nice to people. That's why everyone is super nice around here. Except Sally.
SALLY. I'm extra super nice.
ESTHER. Not what I meant.
ROSE. Do you two even like each other? At all?
[They both pause and look at Rose]
ESTHER. Are you seriously asking that question?
ROSE. Uh… yes…?
SALLY. [Tuts and shakes her head] Rude. [They do not answer]
[An awkward silence ensues and Rose decides to spend her time perusing the shopping list]
IANTO. [Reading the list over Rose's shoulder] Why does it say 'mayonnaise' three times in a row in capital letters?
ROSE. That's just Clara. She really likes mayonnaise. It's weird and disgusting.
IANTO. And 'condoms' also in capitals.
ROSE. That could have been anyone, to be honest. They really should have put who wrote that so we know who to – oh, actually I think that was me.
IANTO. In capitals?
ESTHER. Okay, there were like a billion different varieties of those things and it made my head hurt so I just wrote it once. I don't know what any of it means, like, 'ribbed'? What is that?
SALLY. [To Esther] You're thirty-five. [To Rose and Ianto] She's thirty-five. Don't explain to her what a ribbed condom is, I don't think her precious virginity can take it.
ESTHER. Let's all just make fun of the asexual, shall we? Because that never gets old.
SALLY. Certainly not as old as you.
ESTHER. Hey!
ROSE. Wait, hold on, you're…? Seriously?
ESTHER. Please don't start talking to me about all that ickiness. I'm busy looking at the use-by dates on these vegetables.
IANTO. Better remember to get lube as well.
ROSE. Excuse me?
IANTO. What? Jack's nearly out.
ESTHER. Oh my gosh, too much information.
IANTO. [To Sally] What about you?
SALLY. What about me?
IANTO. Do you need any condoms?
SALLY. [A very long pause, before she bursts into very shrill and incredibly awkward laughter, which goes on for longer than anybody is comfortable with until it tapers off and she clears her throat and looks at the floor] I think we needed to get, um. Apples. Right?
ESTHER. Uh-huh.
ROSE. [To Ianto, changing the subject] Why did you want to come shopping, anyway?
IANTO. Oh, you know. Make myself useful. Don't want anybody to say I don't deserve a place on the TARDIS, not that I ever really thought about having one before. Funny how things turn out. Thought if I came shopping I'd feel less like an unwelcome stowaway.
ROSE. Well if we can adopt Nios and all those cats, I'm sure we can stretch to someone who actually helps.
IANTO. And I wanted to meet Esther. Since we were both brought back to life by the same lunatic. What happened to him, anyway?
SALLY. He's locked up at Undercoll, James says he's crazy and he talks to the walls.
ESTHER. Have you been talking to Elliott?
SALLY. I… just… he texts me sometimes.
IANTO. Who's this?
ESTHER. James Elliott.
ROSE. Sally's boyfriend.
SALLY. He is not my boyfriend. At all. In any way. He just texts me. Occasionally.
ROSE. But you text him back?
SALLY. [Lying] No.
IANTO. Back to Liam Kent, then…
ESTHER. Clara tried to kill him. Have you seen that scar on her arm?
IANTO. Which Clara?
ROSE. The one with the scar on her arm. Obviously.
IANTO. The huge scar?
ESTHER. Yeah. That's from me. I electrocuted her to stop her from killing him. Which is weird because I thought she heals from all injuries…
ROSE. She's just being a drama queen. It's like Oswin and her legs. [They look at her in shock] What? Like she couldn't hack into herself and get two working legs again. Like she used to do. Before she, I don't know, went mental. More mental.
IANTO. What does Clara have to do with Liam Kent?
ESTHER. He got super obsessed with all of her Echoes and tracked them down and thought it was a government conspiracy. Then when he went crazy and after he brought me back from the dead he started murdering them.
ROSE. She's very overprotective.
ESTHER. Well they were being systematically slaughtered. So she tried to kill him, then I… killed her. She was trying to force choke him, like Darth Vader.
ROSE. And now she won't let the burn heal.
IANTO. Wasn't there an easier way to subdue him?
[In the background Sally is following Esther's list and putting things in the trolley, gone quiet after mention of James Elliott]
ROSE. Probably.
ESTHER. She was pretty angry. It's not like I wanted to kill her, just like I didn't want to kill that cow, but I still got forced to.
IANTO. So, how do these electric powers work? Should I be upset I've missed out on them?
ESTHER. They do a lot of things. [Glances at Sally, still being unusually quiet] Right, Sal?
SALLY. Hmm? Were you talking to me?
ESTHER. Ianto was just asking about my electric powers.
SALLY. Do a trick, then.
ROSE. Do the superspeed thing.
ESTHER & SALLY. The what thing?
ROSE. The superspeed. Or, sorry, maybe you haven't learnt how to do that yet… it's just that we met you in the future, in 2024, and you could do all sorts of stuff. I think I was too busy trying to kill Clara to pay that much attention, though.
IANTO. Does everyone try to kill her?
ROSE. [After a pause] Yes.
IANTO. Okay…
SALLY. If you really do have superspeed you're wasted sitting at that computer all day. Not that you do anything other than play video games.
ESTHER. I told you, it's a mostly automated process. I check it every ten minutes.
SALLY. Get a real job.
[Esther stops moving]
ESTHER. What did you just say?
SALLY. I said you should get a real job.
ESTHER. That's it. [She goes to remove one of her gloves]
SALLY. Ooh, are you gonna put me over your knee? Because that's totally – OW! [Esther zaps the back of her hand] Do you know how many burns I have from you doing that!?
ESTHER. And you deserve every single one of them.
ROSE. You did deserve it.
SALLY. Why side with her?
ROSE. Everybody likes Esther.
SALLY. Do they not like me?
[Esther laughs but tries to suppress it and make it sound like a cough]
SALLY. [Nursing her hand] You shut up now.
ESTHER. [Innocently] What? You told me to do a trick. With the electric powers.
SALLY. Why don't you treat everybody to the story of how you rose from the grave like a zombie and all your fingernails and your jaw fell off.
ROSE. Eurgh.
IANTO. [To Rose, a few minutes of browsing later] I heard you were shopping for wedding dresses yesterday.
ROSE. Oh, yeah. I got one, too.
IANTO. Really? You know, I actually picked out Gwen's dress for her wedding, when she needed a new one at short notice because a Nostrovite impregnated her just before her hen party.
ROSE. God. I hope there's no weird alien stuff at this wedding…
IANTO. Apart from the groom and some of the guests?
ROSE. [Smiles] Yeah.
IANTO. When is the wedding?
ROSE. Week and a half.
ESTHER & SALLY. A week and a half!?
ROSE. Yes. It's a nightmare at such short notice though, even with a time machine. And my mum's not happy about it. The Doctor keeps saying he wants a 'proper photographer' and all this stuff, and he's so bloody fussy about food…
IANTO. I can help, if you want. I'm good at organising things.
ROSE. Oh, so I've heard from Jack. He's the chief bridesmaid.
SALLY. Can you have a boy for chief bridesmaid?
ROSE. Donna's the best man so I'll have whoever I want. It's him or Martha, and Martha keeps getting sick recently.
ESTHER. Sorry, did you say he wants a photographer? Because I happen to know a photographer desperately in need of work because she owes me quite a lot of money.
SALLY. You know another freelance photographer who borrows money from you?
ESTHER. It's you I'm talking about, jerk. Trying to get you a job here.
ROSE. Are you a photographer?
SALLY. Well, yeah, but-
ROSE. And looking for work?
SALLY. I suppose so, but-
ROSE. Available at short notice?
SALLY. Yes, but – I don't do weddings.
ESTHER. You'll do whatever's going to let me stop supplementing your rent, Sally.
SALLY. A woman has to have a code.
ROSE. The wedding's in a five star hotel, you know. Everything on the house for the guests because the Doctor… pulled some strings. I think he hacked a credit card, or something. To be honest, you weren't really on the guest list… Esther was, though.
ESTHER. C'mon, Sally. You don't wanna stay in a five star hotel? For free?
SALLY. Why was I not invited to begin with!? I totally saved the Doctor before when I returned the TARDIS to him and tricked the Weeping Angels!
ROSE. He just didn't bring it up, and we only have a finite number of rooms to give away on credit. You'd have to share Esther's room as it is.
ESTHER. It can be a twin room, right? Please? Or with a sofa?
ROSE. She hasn't even agreed to it yet.
ESTHER. Sally. Take the darn job for the free wedding trip!
SALLY. Urgh, fine. But only because I need money. I am going to get money, right?
ROSE. Oh, sure. I told you, it's a hacked credit card. And it's 9:15. And we've finished our half of the sweep.
IANTO. And the other two aren't here yet.
ESTHER. Well they did have the frozen section. You guys eat a lot of frozen food, you should really get on that or you're going to get a vitamin deficiency. I already have to sneak supplements into Sally's food.
SALLY. You do what now?
ESTHER. Nothing. Speaking of frozen food, we should really get on that. I'm sure we'll bump into the others and get a fresh ETA.
[The Spooks turn to leave, Rose and Ianto staying at the designated rendezvous point. They listen to Sally and Esther's conversation dwindle as they vanish down a different aisle]
SALLY. Seriously, what was that about supplements?
ESTHER. Well you eat, like, super badly. You fry basically all your meals and I can't actually remember the last time you drank water.
SALLY. Tea and coffee are seventy percent water.
ESTHER. That's not how it works.
SALLY. Oh, yeah, and now I'll bet you think carrot cake doesn't count as one of your five a day.
ESTHER. It doesn't! And also all that tea and coffee contains a lot of caffeine.
SALLY. I need caffeine, those stupid pills make me tired all the time.
ESTHER. They're for insomnia! That's the whole point!
[They are finally out of earshot]
IANTO. Those two are something else, aren't they?
ROSE. Almost as bad as the Twins.
IANTO. Twins?
ROSE. Clara and Oswin.
IANTO. I don't think I've met Oswin. Do you usually do introductions?
ROSE. Erm. Hard to say. I think the last person we adopted was Nios, and I can't remember… anyway, at least one of those two is sensible. Both of the Twins are idiots. Although Clara is quite fun to get drunk with… who else have you actually met?
IANTO. Oh. Well. Jack's had me stuck in his room for… most of the time I've been on the TARDIS. I'd never even seen it before – is it really infinite?
ROSE. More or less.
IANTO. I've met you, obviously. And I already knew Mickey and Martha because we used to work together. I met Jenny when she brought a dying man into my house, sewed his bullet wound up and threatened to shoot me in the head. Then again last night, the same time I met Nios and… whichever one it is she's going out with. Isn't it a bit weird to date your own stepmother?
ROSE. I think it's very weird.
IANTO. I think I met Donna. And the Doctor, your Doctor.
ROSE. Is that it?
IANTO. Amy and Rory. And then those two just now.
[Their conversation descends into an exchange of anecdotes, with Ianto telling Rose things about Jack, Mickey, Martha from when they all worked together, and Rose informing Ianto about different events on the TARDIS, including a brief overview of Jack and Jenny's relationship drama, 'marriage' and their messy breakups, because Ianto asks about it. It is an amicable way to pass the time for the next twenty minutes or so]
IANTO. Why a hotel for a wedding, then? You're already on the TARDIS and everyone's there.
ROSE. Because he hacked a credit card – are people not following that? I'd love to get married in a hotel. My last wedding was in a church, a tiny church.
IANTO. You've been married before? Aren't you a bit young for that?
ROSE. Well, you know, I'm twenty-seven, so…
IANTO. How old were you when you met the Doctor?
ROSE. Nineteen.
IANTO. And you were married? Before that?
ROSE. No, I was going out with Mickey, and then the Doctor sort of… showed up… and I possibly left Mickey in a messy way, to say the least…
IANTO. Right?
ROSE. Got stuck in a parallel universe separated from the Doctor, found my way back to the right universe and found him again, then he and Donna sort of managed to grow a clone of him out of his severed hand-
IANTO. I think I've heard this from Jack.
ROSE. And then he left me the clone in the parallel universe I was trapped in before, I married the clone, then there was the Dimension Crash and that was about five months ago.
IANTO. So when did you get a divorce?
ROSE. I… erm… oh, look, the Spooks are back.
IANTO. The what?
[Sally and Esther return, allowing Rose an escape from having to confess cheating on Tentoo with Ten, going back to Tentoo for a while, then banishing Tentoo to a random place in space and time and not once checking up on him]
ROSE. [Confused] Where are the Ponds?
SALLY. Didn't see them.
ROSE. Seriously? But didn't you go up and down every single aisle?
ESTHER. Of course we did, there's no other way to shop. Nothing more fulfilling than being painstakingly meticulous.
SALLY. Not a trace of sarcasm in her voice. Incredible.
ROSE. No, but, where are they? We haven't seen them and we've just been stood here. What if the cult has kidnapped them?
SALLY. The Followers of Oc'thubha don't kidnap people! God, you can just go talk to Oc'thubha, you know, if you go to The Mermaid and ask Alec the bartender to take you into the mines to see him.
ROSE. No thanks, that sounds like a good way to get murdered.
IANTO. You think Amy and Rory have been murdered? Don't they have superpowers?
ROSE. They have rubbish ones. We'd better go look for them.
[They begin to walk along the bottoms of all the aisles, searching]
ROSE. I knew we shouldn't have taken a vampire's advice about where to go shopping…
ESTHER. I'm pretty sure something awful happens every time you guys go shopping anywhere. Like that cow I had to murder because it unsuccessfully tried to commit suicide. Then some guy fell into a meat grinder. Literally happened on a shopping trip.
ROSE. Was I there for that?
ESTHER. No.
ROSE. Is that why you moved off the TARDIS?
ESTHER. Yep.
SALLY. Is Hollowmire much better? You did get stalked by that ghost.
ESTHER. The ghost wasn't from Hollowmire! It was from Surrey because you made me drive you all the way down there and break into somebody's, like, land or whatever, to take photos of that stupid underwater ballroom.
IANTO. I can't see them anywhere.
SALLY. The ghosts?
ROSE. Amy and Rory.
ESTHER. Probably try calling them?
IANTO. Good idea, do that.
[Rose takes out her phone and calls Amy. They all stop and wait quietly in the practically-deserted supermarket when they hear a phone ring very loudly behind them, making them all jump. They turn and see Amy and Rory standing there. Rose hangs up the phone]
ROSE. Where the bloody hell have you two been?
AMY. We just went outside.
ROSE. Why?
RORY. [After a long pause] For some fresh air.
ROSE. [Glances between them very suspiciously for a few seconds, then her eyes widen] Oh my god. Were you two-!? In a supermarket? Like, copping off?
[Another very long pause ensues. Both Ponds wear trance-like smiles]
AMY & RORY. Yes.
ROSE. Eurgh. Could have at least waited until we bought more condoms.
[They say nothing]
SALLY. [Clears her throat] Esther and I will be going to pay, then… it's been fun. Just like shopping with Clara and Jenny – those two sneak off to snog all the time, too.
ESTHER. Is that what they were doing when they said they had to go look at bread for fifteen minutes!?
SALLY. Obviously, who looks at bread for fifteen minutes? They already had bread in the trolley.
ESTHER. Ew! This is a public space!
SALLY. You can tell them how outraged you are later, come on.
ESTHER. [Still looks notably disgusted] Yeah… well, you know, feel free to come over to our house for dinner, or something. [To Ianto] You and Jack, maybe, I haven't seen him for a while.
IANTO. [Smiles] I'll mention it to him.
[The Spooks leave to pay, Rose is still staring at the Ponds, who are zoned out completely and not speaking]
ROSE. Are you two alright?
AMY & RORY. Yes.
ROSE. Must have been some really intense secret supermarket sex you were having.
AMY & RORY. Yes.
IANTO. Let's just… go pay…
AMY & RORY. Yes.
ROSE. Mmm. Definitely…