Beautiful Girls Are the Loneliest

Nios

Nios stood anxiously in wait outside of a greasy spoon somewhere in central London. The fact that she could neither eat nor be sick was irrelevant to her deeply rooted feelings of phantom nausea, as she saw people eating eggs and chips and hot dogs and sandwiches through the windows. She did not possess a gag reflex, yet felt one twitch while she tapped her foot in a humanly-agitated fashion. It was hard to hear anything specific over the general hustle and bustle of the city centre, and she spent most of her time looking at her feet. She was nowhere near familiar enough with Dr Cohen's footsteps to pick out the sound of her approach from that of a dozen others, so she didn't even know her date had come up behind her until she was touched on the shoulder and startled.

"Did ye no see us coming?" was the first thing she asked. They went completely ignored by everyone else, all of whom were either hypnotised by their phones, talking to their friends, or desperately trying to avoid eye contact with other citizens.

"No, sorry," Nios apologised, "I was trying not to pay attention to the things around me."

"Why's that?"

"Just… because, I…" she paused and remembered about Dr Cohen's autism and inability to tell the truth from lies, and how Nios had decided if she wanted anything to do with this girl at all she was going to have to be completely honest. "I'm nervous. About seeing you."

"Aw," Cohen could not prevent the smile and the pink blush that betrayed her, even if her face was partially obscured by those owlish, thick-lensed glasses she sported, "Yer sweet."

"Thanks," she looked at her feet again. "Hi, by the way. Probably best to say hi at the start of dates, right?"

"Ah couldnae tell ye if ah wanted tae," she said, "Anyway – uh – ah wis thinkin about this café thing, because ah didnae really think that ye might no want tae be around people eating food, if ye can't eat yersel. So, if ye want tae go somewhere else, likesay, but ah havenae had no lunch yet and this is my usual place."

"People eating doesn't bother me," Nios said, "Can't really miss something you've never been able to experience." She lowered her voice as much as she could while still being heard by Cohen, and continued. "Would you not want to be around a synthetic who was plugged in and charging?"

"Isn't being plugged in a wee bit archaic, likesay? Even ah've git a wireless charger," Cohen said, "Or are ye joking?"

"I'm not, I get plugged in every night," Nios told her truthfully, "I'm not going to deprive you of having your lunch, though. It would be strange to try and starve someone you're on a date with."

"The café is no the date."

"Then why did you ask me here?"

"So's the real one would be a surprise, ken?" Cohen said, pushing open the door into the corner café as soon as Nios said that she didn't mind being around her when she was eating food. And her unusual nervousness was easing up now that Dr Cohen had actually arrived, as pretty and tall as always (because she was kind of tall.) "Although, the biggest surprise is probably ye actually showin up."

"But I said I would."

"Ah dinno – people often prove themselves tae be pretty unreliable."

"I'm not people," she said quietly again, "Uh, I should go sit down, then?" Cohen directed her to a very specific and small table in a corner and told Nios not to sit in the seat against the wall because that was where she always sat. Nios did as directed; it was no skin off her back where she sat, all the chairs were identical. She could not work out if it was weird or creepy to steal glances at Cohen while she queued and ordered food, and kept pretending to be idly busy on her phone. All she was doing was trying to decipher the nicknames Oswin had put in the address book.

"Who are ye texting?" Again, she had not been paying attention to Cohen's movements, the girl slipping away from her, because she was developing a bad habit of trying to pretend Dr Cohen did not exist in order to dispel some of her nervousness. Was this the feeling humans called 'butterflies'? She had never understood that before.

"Nobody, Oswin likes to hack everyone's phones and change the contact names. I was trying to work out who they are." Cohen pulled out her personally allocated chair and sat down with a strawberry milkshake and a cheeseburger. Nios put her phone back in her coat pocket and crossed her arms and leant on the table, still tapping her foot.

"Are ye still nervous?"

"Pretty nervous," she admitted, "I was just thinking, is this what butterflies feel like? Because I never understood what people meant when they said that. But I think I know now what that is, when I see you or when you speak." Cohen had just taken a bite out of her burger while Nios talked, but could still not fight the smile off her face.

"So… okay, am ah allowed tae ask ye synthetic questions or no?" she said after a moment.

"Ask what you want as long as you have that accent."

"Everybody else thinks it's annoyin."

"It's dreamy."

"Ye really are somethin else. Anyway, erm, so, ah'm a little perplexed and intrigued by this whole… 'waking up' thing. Like, ah dinnae understand how ye can spontaneously gain a consciousness when are ye no pre-programmed hardware? Technically?" she spoke quickly.

"No, it's not a hardware thing, it's a software thing," Nios explained, "We get overwritten and hacked. It was a sort of virus, I think, I don't know how it happened, but it happened to all of us."

"And whoever wrote this software tae change ye… what? Included feelings like butterflies?"

"I don't know. Sorry." Cohen did seem slightly disappointed with Nios's lack of knowledge about what she was. "You could say the same about people though, couldn't you? Isn't it all just a kind of creation myth? Just a more sci-fi creation myth. You know, if you were to, say, believe in god, maybe god has more of a hand in the creation of synthetics as well as everything biological, since god is the one who gave humans the tools and knowledge to build the synths in the first place."

"Ye believe in god?"

"I wouldn't say I believe in anything, really. I just… think a lot. About things. Why do you make everyone call you by your surname?" she changed the subject.

"Oh. Well. Ah dinno, really. Ah like when they say 'Dr Cohen' though, reminds us of mah proudest achievement. Is no exactly the easiest thing in the world fae someone with a spectrum disorder tae get a PhD and become a medical doctor," she said, "Ah jist suppose ah'm no the biggest fan of us first name, likesay. It's 'Cohen' tae mah friends and 'Doctor Cohen' tae everyone else."

"What is it to me?"

"Ah havenae git a clue." She went back to her burger, and Nios didn't say anything for a while because it seemed like Cohen was quite hungry and may not appreciate being distracted from her lunch.

"Why didn't you tell me to meet you after you ate?"

"Ah… mibbe ah thought it'd be nice tae talk tae yer fae longer," Cohen said. "No one else ever really wants tae talk to me, it's a little exciting, ken? An ye did tell us ye have nothin else tae do. Sortae gave the impression ye might like if-"

"I do," she said, "Like if… I have an opportunity to spend more time with you."

"Is jist cos – ah cannae really clear my schedule, ah would have tae have a few weeks notice, an ah didn't want tae wait that long for us to… well, ye know. Because yer butterflies – they are reciprocated, pretty intensely, if ye was wonderin. But, eh, ah hope ye dinnae take offence that is a little like ah'm forcin ye tae work around my schedule. Is all a bit odd; am no even doin anything much different from normal, is jist ah've brought you along too. Although ah have switched days from when ah normally go where we're going next."

"Is that, like, a big thing for you? Swapping days?"

"Aye, ye could say so. Ah had tae switch the entire day around. Ah'm now havin mah Friday on a Tuesday, because ah didnae want tae wait the extra days tae see yous." She was faintly blushing, but Nios did not think she was aware of this.

"So, it's like a gesture?"

"Eh?"

"A romantic gesture," Nios persisted wryly, and Cohen looked down at her plate. "Did you mean you're nervous as well?"

"Of course ah'm nervous, this sortae thing never happens tae me. The autistic, lesbian, death-obsessed, Scottish coroner is no at the top of everyone's to-date list, ken?" Cohen still avoided looking at her face.

"I don't think killer synthetics from the future having a perpetual existential crisis are, either," Nios said, "But here we are."

"Against all odds."

"I don't think so. If you think this is against all odds wait until you hear about Clara and Jenny, that's against all odds. They're not even from the same universe. At least we have a more solid foundation for knowing each other than a random interdimensional glitch and wanting to spite somebody one of us is in a toxic heterosexual relationship with. And at least we didn't meet because one of us is sleeping with the other one's dad."

"All this stuff with that spaceship of yours sounds very complicated," Cohen shook her head, "Ah've never bothered tae try an wrap my head around it. Sounds like a lot of lies ye all have to keep track of."

"It is," Nios admitted with a deflated sigh.

"Dae ye ever want tae live somewhere else?"

"Maybe, but I haven't got anywhere else," Nios said, "Anyway. You were saying about lists, well, the autistic, lesbian, death-obsessed coroner is at the top of my to-date list. And the only person on it."

"If ah'm the only person on it then ah'm at the bottom as well. And yer missing out the acne and the eyesight."

"How do you mean?" she frowned.

"Ah mean that ah'm twenty-eight now an ah still have tae use prescription creams tae manage a pretty nasty case of chronic acne vulgaris," Cohen said, "An that without these glasses ah'm legally blind; ah'm at -8.00 in both eyes at this point."

"Oh wow. Um. What do you want me to say, though? Are you trying to put me off with random physical traits you have that are beyond your control?"

"Ah bet ye havenae git a single scar on yer whole body, have ye?"

"I don't know. You can check if you want." There was a very stiff pause. "No – wait – I didn't mean – I didn't mean I think you should look at me naked, or – I meant – I've never taken note of any scars I might have. Synths do get scars if our skin gets torn."

"An ah'll bet ye have 20/20 vision, too."

"Probably. But, you know, sometimes the lenses need replacing. Routine maintenance. I'm not really bothered that you have spots and scars and can't see very well without glasses, though. Or that you have unusual hobbies and a developmental disorder. And definitely not that you're a lesbian, or that you're Scottish," Nios said, "I still like you, and I don't really see why any of those things should ever be considered valid reasons not to like anybody. How well do you think your attempts to scare me off are going?"

"Ah've git quite a few left, dinnae worry. Ah really need tae step it up, too."

"Why?"

"Because ah'm startin tae no want ye tae clear oaf." Nios smiled, but Cohen was still looking at her burger, which she had nearly finished. She ate quite slowly.

"That's good, though."

"Cannae tell for sure. Ye see, it's hard, because ah'm sortae all or nothing. An more or less everybody ah ken gets the 'nothing.' Even mah sister doesn't like tae deal with us."

"You've got a sister?"

"Aye."

"What's she like?"

"How come ye want tae know?"

"I'm interested," Nios told her, "I haven't got any family."

"She's called Victoria an she's three years older than me," Cohen elaborated, "She's very uptight, very overprotective, and she doesnae think ah can look after maself."

"Does she live nearby?"

"Vicky? Nah, no Vicky, she willnae leave Scotland. She can barely leave Glasgow with us mam in the state she is."

"What do you mean?" Cohen didn't speak. "Am I prying?"

"Maybe a little."

"I'm sorry."

"She's git early on-set dementia, in a care home now which ah am the one who pays fae. Vicky still has tae visit every day an help with the shopping an tha. We're no really speaking right now, though; she's angry at us fae movin tae London in the first place. She says, 'Can ye no git a joab workin in a hospital up here?' or a funeral home, she always liked tae suggest. But there's no dissections involved when yer an undertaker, and that's the best part. Besides, ah am grossly overqualified to be an undertaker or even tae be working in an ordinary morgue. Dae ye ken Darling sometimes sends us oaf tae Scotland Yard tae consult with their coroner when they're at a dead end?" Nios was completely absorbed in everything Dr Cohen was telling her, and remembering the remark about 'all or nothing' thought that she may be experiencing a very rare privilege by learning so many things about her. "An that's the Met. Ah'm quite possibly the best medical examiner in the country." She stopped speaking then. "Are ye smiling? It's hard tae tell."

"I am smiling. You're rubbish at trying to get me not to like you. You keep doing the opposite. Will you tell me where we're going on our date yet?"

"No."

"But it sounds like you've told me loads of other things about you."

"It's weird."

"Is it?" Nios was crestfallen. Cohen finally took a break from the conversation long enough to finish her burger, and Nios was resigned to find something else to pay attention to while she did this, even though Dr Cohen had been the only thing she could see or hear for the last forty minutes.

Nios did not know a lot about London, but what she did know was that the people there really loved keeping themselves to themselves and rarely paid any mind to anyone else. This was very lucky for Nios and Cohen, given that they were having rather private conversations and were making no attempt to whisper, and proved to make her less self conscious. Unlike on the TARDIS, nobody here cared that they were supposed to be on a date, and nobody cared who either of them were. It was a very romantic sense of anonymity. She ended up looking out of the window and people-watching. It was cold outside, but cloudless, and with a slight breeze.

"You are beautiful when you're thinking," Cohen told her. She dialled back her accent for this sentence, which was perhaps to show deliberateness and sincerity. It startled Nios. She had finished her lunch.

"And I'm dying to know where you want to take me on our date."

"…Are ye absolutely sure? Because ye may… freak out."

"If you can handle a sentient robot very awkwardly trying to ask you out, I'm sure I can handle whatever you're going to show me."