AN: I feel like my storylines have been a complete mess lately, and that's because this one and the two before it have been very spur-of-the-moment and really haven't been planned in the greatest amount of detail, because I've decided to do them kind of on a whim. But after this one they are planned, and I really think you guys are gonna like the one after this, because it's another AU and Jenny is the main character.

Office Space

[The TARDIS console room, completely empty. Ordinary sounds of the engine and the machinery whirring, until Nios returns through the main doors smiling to herself. She does not initially think about it being unusual that the TARDIS has not been moved for the few hours she has been away.

Trying to hide her good mood she proceeds into Nerve Centre and finds that empty as well. She pauses upon entering and looks around, seeing minimal signs of life. It does not look like anybody has eaten lunch in there, though it is the afternoon]

NIOS. Helix?

HELIX. Yes, Nios?

NIOS. …Has Elle come back?

HELIX. Negative.

NIOS. Where is everybody?

HELIX. They are in the linen cupboard.

NIOS. [Confused] They're where?

HELIX. In the linen cupboard.

NIOS. …Where is the linen cupboard?

HELIX. The first door on the right after you pass through the Bedroom Circle.

NIOS. And everyone is in there?

HELIX. Affirmative, Nios.

NIOS. …They're not dead, are they?

HELIX. Negative.

NIOS. [To herself] Okay, that's good…

[She leaves Nerve Centre and enters the Bedroom Circle, which is also completely silent, and follows Helix's directions towards the linen cupboard she has never noticed before. When she sees it she is unsure of what to do, and goes to try the door. The door is locked, so she knocks on it instead. It takes a moment for her to hear movement, and then somebody talks using a voice modulator]

UNKNOWN. Who's there?

NIOS. Me, obviously. Who's there?

UNKNOWN. [Copying her sarcastically] Me, obviously.

NIOS. Uh…

UNKNOWN. What's the password?

NIOS. The-? How should I know?

UNKNOWN. Just this once, I'll tell you. The password is 'I'm-a-lesbian.'

NIOS. You're a lesbian.

UNKNOWN. No, I'M-a-lesbian.

NIOS. Oswin, let me in the stupid room, I know it's you.

[Silence, then the door opens. No one is there. A phone is sitting on top of a pile of towels. Nios walks into the cupboard and pushes her way through towels and bedsheets and dressing gowns until she emerges on a new room.

The room resembles an ordinary office with rows of desks and cubicles, and is inhabited by fifteen people: everyone who lives on the TARDIS with the addition of Clara Ravenwood and the missing faces of Amy and Rory Williams. Nios stares at them all]

NIOS. What, exactly, is going on?

OSWIN. We're having an orgy. [Mass objections] What!? Well, me and the two Claras are having an orgy, I don't know about anybody else.

NIOS. But what's actually going on?

MICKEY. There's something wrong with Amy and Rory.

ROSE. I'll say.

NIOS. You're all hiding in here… from Amy and Rory?

JACK. It's complicated.

IANTO. There was an incident when we were shopping.

NIOS. …Excuse me?

DONNA. They're possessed.

CLARA. But possessed in a sexy way.

ELEVEN. [Frowns at her] What?

CLARA. Not sexy. Um. Sexual. A sexual way.

ELEVEN. I don't think it's very funny.

JACK. I don't think anybody thinks it's funny.

OSWIN. I think it's quite funny.

ROSE. You're mental though.

OSWIN. Ouch, Rose. Have you never heard of political correctness? [Rose rolls her eyes]

NIOS. But what are you talking about?

CLARA. They totally tried to sleep with me.

MARTHA. They tried to sleep with everybody.

CLARA. And everybody includes me, so.

NIOS. What do you mean they 'tried to sleep with everybody'?

IANTO. Exactly that.

CLARA. But I was first. That's important.

NIOS. So you did sleep with them!

CLARA. [Aghast] No! I wouldn't do that in a million years! Unless I was single. If I was single I totally would.

RAVENWOOD. [To herself] Okay, you be quiet. [Looks at Nios to explain] What happened is I recommended that they should bring Esther along shopping and go to the supermarket in Hollowmire because Esther's so organised she's great to go shopping with. So they went-

ROSE. Me and Ianto and those two.

RAVENWOOD. -and when they came back they were possessed.

JACK. It's an alien we've seen before at Torchwood, this gaseous entity that uses a human body as a host, and-

OSWIN. Fucks people. To death.

IANTO. Feeds on human orgasmic energy. Junkies. That was Gwen's first day.

NIOS. …Are you serious?

ROSE. Why else would we all be hiding in here?

NIOS. And what, exactly, is 'here'? What's this room? Why is there an office hidden in a linen cupboard I didn't even know existed? [Awkward silence. Nobody really wants to answer]

ADAM. It's the old H&T office.

NIOS. The what.

JACK. Harkness & Tyler. Rose and I have a company.

ROSE. It's not a company.

CLARA. It was a clique. We used to have cliques. A clique obsessed with me.

ROSE. In what way were we possibly obsessed with you?

MARTHA. The entire thing was sort of dedicated to getting into Clara's business.

ROSE. Oh, and you'll know all about Clara's 'business', won't you?

MICKEY. What?

MARTHA. Ignore her. And it was. You sat in here and spied on her.

JACK. [Laughs at the memory] Yeah, we kind of did do that. Things were weird back then.

NIOS. You sat in here spying on Clara?

ELEVEN. They were trying to 'fix' our relationship.

ROSE. And we did fix it.

ELEVEN. It wasn't broken!

JACK. [To Nios] They were fighting because she was all pent-up since they hadn't done the dirty with each other yet. At all.

OSWIN. God, maybe you should have left it that way. Do any of you know what it's like being psychically connected to someone who spends eighteen hours of every day with a penis inside her?

CLARA. You! Shut up! It is nowhere near that much! You're in trouble now.

OSWIN. Oh no, what are you gonna do? [Clara puts her hands on her hips and looks sternly at Oswin. Oswin realises she has crossed a line] …Sorry.

CLARA. That's what I thought.

NIOS. I'm still hung up on you sitting in here and spying on her. Both of them. That's so creepy! You can't just spy on people and their relationships.

DONNA. What do you care? It's not like you've got a relationship for anyone to spy on.

[Oswin raises her eyebrows at Nios, who goes quiet]

CLARA. Then this is also where we hid out during the prank war. The First Prank War.

NIOS. 'First' Prank War? Implying there's more than one?

OSWIN. We've had two so far. The first one ended when it got taken too far and Clara and I got stuck in our coma for two weeks. In this very room.

RIVER. It was two hours.

CLARA. No, Song. It was two weeks.

DONNA. [Thoughtfully] I bet they'd be less incest-y if they'd never been caught in that EMP…

TWINS. We're not incest-y!

NIOS. Stop talking about incest, please.

TEN. I agree, let's stop talking about incest.

NIOS. Look – just – how, exactly, did Amy and Rory get possessed?

JACK. Well, when faced that rogue sex cloud in Cardiff it came out of an asteroid Gwen broke it was using as a spaceship-

ROSE. -And they just vanished outside somewhere while we were all shopping-

RAVENWOOD. -And it just so happens that earlier this week a very large asteroid crashed in the carpark of the supermarket. And nobody went to do anything about it.

JENNY. And I still don't understand why you didn't mention it to me...

RAVENWOOD. Because weird stuff happens so often it just didn't seem important, I told you.

JACK. Well, anyway. There must have been two of those things in this new space rock, because hearing them talk to each other it sounds like they're a couple, come across the stars to look for drugs together.

ADAM. It's like a Tarantino film.

NIOS. But… hold on. You said they're after humans.

IANTO. That's right, humans.

NIOS. So why are the two holograms, four Time Lords and the vampire in here? Couldn't you just leave?

TEN. No, they went for me as well.

JENNY. And me. They're more agile than I thought they were, it took a lot to get away from them.

CLARA. But they still came for me first.

JENNY. Yeah, well, that's…

CLARA. What? [Jenny stays silent] What, Jenny? What were you going to say?

JENNY. You heard yourself. [Quickly addresses Ravenwood] Not you yourself, her actual self. She said if she was single she would sleep with them in a heartbeat.

CLARA. Meaning?

RAVENWOOD. Yeah, meaning?

RIVER. Meaning you're easy. They went for the easiest first.

[Scattered laughter throughout the room]

NIOS. I don't get it. Can't you just not have sex with them? How hard can that be?

JACK. The entity makes the hosts emit pheromones that makes other humans aroused.

IANTO. Got Gwen alone in a cell and by god-

[Jack wolf-whistles]

JACK. We recorded that and watched it on a rainy day.

IANTO. It only works on the opposite sex. The orgasm thing. Gwen was fine, just a bit violated.

OSWIN. To be honest, there are definitely worse ways to die than cumming to death.

JACK. We're just lucky that Jenny managed to warn Clara.

CLARA. What do you mean 'warn' me!?

OSWIN. You totally would have boned Rory.

CLARA. I would not! [To her husband] I wouldn't! I don't even think he's that hot.

JACK. Hey! He's totally cute.

RIVER. [Loudly] These are my parents. [Silence in the room] I'd rather not make so many jokes about it. [Long pause] How did you stop it the last time?

IANTO. Gwen tricked it. It was killing the girl, Carys, and Gwen offered herself up as a new host body and trapped it in a containment sphere. Couldn't survive for more than a few seconds in our atmosphere.

NINE. The issue is that we don't know where they are on the ship to try the trick again, and it would be hard to catch both of them at the same time. It's risky waiting for them to be so weak they need to change host.

NIOS. [Muttering] I've barely been gone for three hours…

ROSE. Yeah, where did you go?

MICKEY. I thought you're not allowed out unless you're supervised?

TEN. Mmm, that's a good point.

JENNY. [Jenny is at the back of the room and catches Nios's eye before she speaks] She was just visiting the synth colony. I dropped her off. My responsibility, I trusted her. Has anybody got a problem with that?

TEN. What synth colony?

ELEVEN. Blimey, keep up, won't you?

TEN. What?

JENNY. It's nobody else's business.

[Nobody argues with Jenny. Slyly, Jenny winks at Nios]

MARTHA. Whatever's going on we need to find a solution quickly. That or somebody needs to get some more milk from the kitchen so we can make more tea.

RIVER. And we have to stop my parents from dying.

OSWIN. Well I've got a brilliant idea which only slightly makes me damp between the legs.

ADAM. Oswin…

OSWIN. What? I said 'only slightly.'

ROSE. Oh, god forbid what this plan is…

OSWIN. I think we should lure them out by using Jack and Rose as bait and then kill them.

RIVER. [Furious] You repeat yourself and better hope I misheard you.

OSWIN. It's simple. Stop their hearts for a few minutes, the things will be forced to leave and they'll die. Then resuscitate.

IANTO. That might work.

ROSE. What!? What about the part where they're using me and your fiancé as bait!? Why me!?

OSWIN. You two are the most enticing. It's basically like offering them immortality and the power to control the universe in one very attractive platter.

ADAM. Babe, I don't really think using people as live bait is very nice.

OSWIN. Then what's your bright idea?

ADAM. I don't know… there must be a way to sort of, suck out the cloud-thing.

OSWIN. [Pretending to be oblivious] You mean like, you want to give Rory a blowjob?

[River is growing increasingly angry]

OSWIN. Or are you suggesting we invent a magic vacuum cleaner? Like Luigi's Mansion but for aliens?

JACK. I agree with her. That's a stupid idea.

ADAM. What about a chemical agent, then? One that'll purge them of anything extra-terrestrial.

IANTO. Interesting…

MARTHA. Sounds like Reset.

JACK. So all we have to do is find some alien larvae and implant them with it.

MARTHA. Oswin has got Owen's old singularity scalpel in her lab…

ELEVEN. Sorry, what are we talking about now?

JACK. Nothing. I'm not sure it's a viable solution.

NIOS. Why don't we just wait for them to die and then bring them back to life?

OSWIN. That's what I-

NIOS. No, your way involved actively killing them.

RAVENWOOD. How was it you brought me back from the dead?

OSWIN. Clary's nanogenes. She loaned them out specially for you, along with a few hundred gallons of fresh blood.

CLARA. Well don't make things awkward.

RAVENWOOD. I could always bite them.

RIVER. Excuse me!?

RAVENWOOD. Adam said introducing another chemical agent might purge the sex cloud.

RIVER. Are you trying to create your own brood? A swarm?

RAVENWOOD. I'm just making a suggestion!

JACK. It might work. As a last resort.

RIVER. I'm sorry, but you're not turning my parents into vampires!

RAVENWOOD. What, exactly, have you got against vampires?

JENNY. Yeah, what have you… [Jenny is interrupted by her phone ringing. She takes it out of her pocket but does not recognise the number]

RIVER. Apart from the drinking-human-blood and not-going-out-in-the-sun?

[Jenny answers her phone]

JENNY. Hello?

RAVENWOOD. Yes, apart from… [She can hear who is speaking to Jenny]

JENNY. [Down the phone] What do you mean you've been shot!?

[Everybody begins paying attention. Jenny walks with the phone towards the back of the room, Ravenwood watching her carefully]

JENNY. How did you get this number?

OSWIN. Who's she talking to?

JENNY. That doesn't sound like something I would do… Well if you're in the hospital then I don't see what the issue is.

[Ravenwood hears something which alarms her and looks at Jenny]

JENNY. What do you mean 'deal'?

RAVENWOOD. What did she say!?

JENNY. No! I'm not going to buy any heroin for you!

[Shock throughout the room, everyone is now listening]

JENNY. I don't care that you have the money already! Knowing you it'll be counterfeit. … What do you mean it is counterfeit!? You're trying to buy fifty kilos of opiates with counterfeit money? It's no wonder you got shot!

RAVENWOOD. Just hang up on her, Jen.

JENNY. It's your own fault Vi, I've always told you to stay away from narcotics. You ask for my advice, don't follow it, then ask me to clean up your mess. I'm not having it. I always told you to follow the money – no, be quiet, the money isn't in skag, it's in prostitution, that's what I said to you. I said invest in prostitutes. … I'm busy! [She hangs up the phone, then turns around to see everyone is looking at her] What?

ELEVEN. Was that your friend from the mafia?

JENNY. It's the mob, not the mafia, they're Irish. They'd gut you if you called them the mafia.

ELEVEN. Was it?

JENNY. Yes. And I'm having nothing to do with it.

ROSE. Who were you telling to invest in prostitution?

JENNY. Nobody. Just an underboss I know. There's nothing wrong with prostitution. [Her phone rings again, but this time she refuses to answer and turns it off. Then she gives it to Ravenwood] Keep this for me or I'm going to end up breaking it. [Ravenwood takes the phone]

TEN. [Outraged] Sorry, the mob!?

JENNY. [Glares at him] Have we worked out a solution for what to do with Amy and Rory yet or are we all too busy listening to me refuse to have any part whatsoever in a heroin deal with a woman I met two centuries ago? Because I very clearly said I don't want anything to do with the drugs, and I think it's a bad idea.

OSWIN. We're killing them, or something.

RIVER. We are not killing my parents.

MICKEY. Then trick them. Do something. We can't just live in here.

OSWIN. This is why I suggested the live bait thing.

MARTHA. Or the chemical agent. Like Adam said. But not a vampire bite.

JENNY. These sex clouds, they'd abandon the host body if it was dying?

JACK. If there was a new potential host.

JENNY. Maybe I should go see Viola…

RAVENWOOD. And what? Make them OD on heroin?

JENNY. Not heroin, no, but… there's a lot of very dangerous snakes in Louisiana.

RIVER. Snakes!?

JENNY. I got bitten by a rattlesnake once when I was living in the swamp.

MARTHA. Maybe that'll work.

RIVER. Poisoning them!?

JENNY. Technically it's venom, although poisoning them would probably work as well.

NINE. Might work.

RIVER. Excuse me!?

NINE. Use Jack and Rose as bait to be new host bodies while bringing Amy and Rory to the brink of death.

RIVER. I just have one problem with that.

OSWIN. Is it the 'brink of death' thing? [Stage-whispering] It's probably the 'brink of death' thing.

RIVER. It's the 'brink of death' thing!

MARTHA. Have you got any Miracle Medicine?

OSWIN. No, we ran out ages ago. Otherwise I'd've used some on Jenny's hand and her bullet wound.

JENNY. Oswin!

MARTHA. Her what!? BULLET WOUND!?

JENNY. It's more of a graze, Martha! I swear!

MARTHA. I keep telling you to stay out of trouble!

JENNY. Trouble just finds me, it's- [the mug on the table next to Jenny explodes]

MARTHA. How did that happen!?

JENNY. Somebody shot me.

MARTHA. Who!?

JENNY. Just… you know, just… some people. It was basically an accident, we were just driving around and I got shot. By mistake. On a different note, if anyone wants me to go and get some heroin-

MARTHA. You're not going anywhere.

JENNY. It was only one measly bullet wound! Considering I almost wrecked the stolen car we were in, I think it was a miracle neither of us ended up worse off.

MARTHA. WHAT!?

MICKEY. You should really stay calm, Martha.

JENNY. Nothing!

TEN. Why were you in a stolen car!?

JENNY. It's not like I stole it, it just happened to be one of the casualties in a long and somewhat complicated gang war.

MARTHA. [To Ravenwood] And you're okay with this?

RAVENWOOD. Well, you know, to be honest… [she shrugs] I'm fine with it. I'm just never going to let her drive a car ever again.

ROSE. SO ME AND JACK ARE BEING BAIT, THEN!? [The room finally goes quiet]

RIVER. Hold on, you're seriously doing this? You're seriously going to try and kill my parents?

OSWIN. Do you have a better idea?

RIVER. [Scowls] Where are you going to find this 'chemical agent', then? And it better not be heroin, Jenny.

JENNY. Alright, fine… no heroin. Why don't you just chop off my legs while you're at it. No offence, Oswin.

OSWIN. In my mind, I have six legs. It's all about positive thinking.

IANTO. You need an anti-venom lab. Most anti-venoms are backwards engineered from the venom itself. Find the venom, find the anti-venom, find a way to get close to them.

JACK. So we steal some. Easy enough.

OSWIN. Or, you know, alternatively, I might know somebody who happens to be very invested at the moment in deadly alien venoms. Somebody who might just be willing to give us some toxins without all the hassle…