Favour For a (Girl)Friend

[In the remodelled cockpit of a crashed star-cruiser which perches high above the ground of the distant tropical planet, Eslilia. It is late evening and Dr Flek Phisj is sitting at her desk, alone, picking at her dinner of vegetable stew. The room is messy and Flek is dishevelled and staring into her bowl. She is started by somebody knocking on the makeshift door, made of wood and attached to a gaping hole in the side of the wreckage. She looks over, behind her, and Zalur Coohn enters. He looks at Flek without speaking, and she looks at him and then raises her eyebrows. Zalur sighs]

FLEK. Did you want something?

ZALUR. You can't just become a recluse, you know.

FLEK. It's only been a week. Give over.

ZALUR. You're their leader.

FLEK. If we even need a central leader then the entire idea of the commune is a failure. Come and find me when people start forgetting how to do their jobs.

ZALUR. People apart from you? Who's clearly forgotten?

FLEK. Tell me something important or get out.

ZALUR. You've got guests.

FLEK. Guests…? [Zalur says nothing. Flek thinks, then realises] No! Not right now!

ZALUR. Yeah, well, there's nothing I can do about it.

FLEK. She's your sister.

ZALUR. Oh, and when has she ever cared about that? It's not like she announced she was coming, she just shows up, as always.

FLEK. Did no-one ever teach your family manners?

ZALUR. You did live with us for four years. She's coming up, and she's not on her own, and she's in a good mood. And you know how unbearable she is when she's in a good mood.

FLEK. What have you told her?

ZALUR. I haven't told her anything.

FLEK. Good.

[Zalur looks at Flek and the room and shakes his head. They hear voices approaching from outside and he steps out of the way of the door. Enter Oswin, Nios and River Song, the latter two Flek has hardly ever spoken to, Oswin in the middle of talking animatedly about something]

OSWIN. …like a tiny lab assistant, only a robotic one.

RIVER. Funny. I thought you hate insects.

OSWIN. He's not an insect, he just has a vague resemblance to one.

RIVER. [Looking at Sprite, who is crawling across Nios's shoulders. Flek does not know what Sprite is] More than a 'vague' resemblance

OSWIN. Well, tons of insects are like, dinosaurs, meaning they're pretty durable evolutionary products. Why not take inspiration from them in the machines we create? I'd say someone took inspiration from somewhere significantly more tangible when they built Nios in their lab. A lingerie catalogue, perhaps. Or a porn website.

FLEK. [Tries to smile] Oswin. To what do I owe the pleasure?

RIVER. It's not a social call.

OSWIN. Says you. I don't even know why you came with me.

RIVER. To keep you out of trouble, and focused, so you don't idle.

OSWIN. I've got Nios to do all that. Isn't that right, Ni? [Nios is standing by the door, which is still open, and looking out into the dark green night sky at the pouring rainstorm and the blue-leafed trees. Sprite is scurrying across her hands] Nios.

NIOS. Did you say something?

OSWIN. Are you alright? You seem a bit… distracted.

NIOS. This planet is quite beautiful, don't you think?

FLEK. Yeah. It is. [Flek looks at the floor]

ZALUR. I'll leave, then?

OSWIN. Hadn't even noticed you were still here.

ZALUR. You know, I don't know why you have to be so cold with me, Os. It's not like you're the only one who got disowned and written out of mother's will. And I've kicked the drinking. Haven't I kicked the drinking, Flek? [Flek nods] See?

[Oswin narrows her eyes at Flek, sensing something is amiss]

OSWIN. Yeah, well, Reker sent some of his share of the inheritance to your estranged daughter and ex-wife, actually. He might have even managed to scrounge a few thousand credits off Dret to go to them, too. Which is more than you've ever done for them.

ZALUR. Unbelievable; you talk to Reker but you refuse to talk to me. You only ever come here to see her, and you dumped her years ago.

FLEK. Alright, Zalur. Maybe try being nice if you want to make familial amends. [Zalur glowers and exits the crashed ship, leaving the door open as Nios watches the rain] Do you never want to reconcile with him, Os?

RIVER. I thought you don't like people calling you 'Os.'

OSWIN. [Stiffly] I don't like my boyfriend calling me it.

FLEK. Still got him, then, have you?

[Oswin says nothing, watching Flek, her eyes scanning the room. Nios is not paying attention. River is confused. Flek pretends to be busy reading status reports but is not really seeing the words. The uneasy silence lingers until there is a thunder clap outside and a bolt of lightning, and the rain intensifies]

RIVER. What's going on?

FLEK. [Resentful and angry] I'm sure the 'smartest girl in the universe' knows exactly what's going on.

[Oswin limps towards the spare chair in the room and drags it towards Flek with one hand. It was once the co-pilot's seat but has been ripped out of the base of the broken ship and propped up with bits of wood so that it balances. Flek grimaces]

FLEK. What? [Oswin sits down next to her and leans close]

OSWIN. [Softly] Nios has never been to an alien planet before. Closest she's ever got is Io, but you know what kind of wastelands moons in the solar system can be. [Flek narrows her eyes] I'll tell you a secret; she had her first ever date today in her life and now she's hardly paying attention to anything around her, except the old 'beauty of nature,' but you know I've never cared much for that lark.

RIVER. She had what? [To Nios] You had what?

OSWIN. [Ignoring River, speaking only to Flek] It's quite sweet, really. Have you met her before? She's our resident synthetic we rescued after she was supposed to be destroyed for going on a killing spree when she gained consciousness. But it's remarkable what happens when you give people second chances.

NIOS. Are you talking about me?

FLEK. [Coolly] Fascinating hearing you talk about robots.

RIVER. We're not here for conversation, we're here because my parents might die!

OSWIN. It's a time machine, Song.

RIVER. And nobody's flying it because they're all locked in the cupboard.

OSWIN. You know how to fly it.

RIVER. And I'm here supervising you making you hurry up. [Oswin glances worriedly at Flek, who is listening to them carefully]

OSWIN. Just go back to the TARDIS and bring it back here in a bit. I'm sure if you disapprove of my venom choice you can complain about it then, but there are more important things going on now.

RIVER. More important things than-!?

NIOS. Jack said the last girl lasted for about twenty-four hours, and she wasn't very strong. So Amy and Rory have at least twenty hours left.

RIVER. Until they die!

FLEK. What are you talking about?

RIVER. Fine! If you want to play house with your ex-girlfriend, far be it from me to stop you. But I'm going to bash your Sphere to pieces if any harm comes to them because of you being idle. [River teleports away, she able to do so as she is a hologram with no physical appendages]

FLEK. [Sighing] What's going on, Oswin?

OSWIN. Nothing. You're sad, so it's nothing.

FLEK. No, no. That's not fair.

OSWIN. What's not fair is that she's gone, isn't she? [Flek says nothing] Where is she? Do you want me to send Jenny after her to beat her up? Jenny would love to, she wouldn't even ask any questions. As long as Clara didn't find out-

FLEK. Oswin.

OSWIN. I don't want to see anyone hurt you, you're my oldest friend.

NIOS. [Finally leaves the door and walks over with Sprite] What's happened?

FLEK. It doesn't matter.

OSWIN. My wonderful sister has left Flek at the altar.

FLEK. There was no altar involved.

OSWIN. But she's left you?

FLEK. Yes, alright!? Fine, make me say it, she left me, she stormed off in the night and crushed the stupid twig engagement ring under her boot, commandeered one of our shuttles and pissed off god knows where. And it certainly brings back painful memories of a girl I knew who did the same thing to me when I was twenty-six.

NIOS. …Maybe we should go and find some venom somewhere else…

FLEK. Venom for what?

NIOS. Amy and Rory have been possessed by alien sex clouds which feed off orgasmic energy. Apparently they do this by, sort of, raping people, until they disintegrate. Oswin wants to kill them to force the clouds to leave because they'll die in a nitrogen-rich atmosphere.

FLEK. So you want to poison them and then cure them?

NIOS. I think that's the idea.

FLEK. It sounds reckless. If they're gaseous surely there's a way to – I don't know – suck them out? [Oswin stares at her] What?

OSWIN. Funny. Adam suggested the same thing. But forget about that, River will be back in the TARDIS soon, so there's no rush. Are you okay?

FLEK. I'm fine.

OSWIN. I totally don't believe you.

FLEK. Both of us always knew it would never really work out.

OSWIN. Why's that?

FLEK. Because I only liked her because… well you know because.

OSWIN. Oh. Right. Well. I never liked her. She punched me in the face.

NIOS. Did you deserve it?

OSWIN. Only a bit. Flek, you can do way better than any girl who runs off and vanishes in the middle of the night.

FLEK. You know we've never talked about it. [Sometimes Flek glances at Nios when she talks, which Nios notices]

NIOS. I think I'll go outside and watch the rain. I might take some photos and send them to… [pauses] Am I allowed to take photos?

OSWIN. Of course you are.

NIOS. …I'll go do that, then…

OSWIN. [Watching Nios leave] Don't think you've gotten out of telling me about you date, Ni. I still want all the details. [Nios smiles on her way out. Oswin talks to Flek again] They grow up so fast. I swear, that girl makes me want to be a better person.

FLEK. Nice to see you with good influences around you.

OSWIN. So. I'm here now. This is the part where you shout at me for running off and getting myself killed.

FLEK. It was over a decade ago. You're too late. I'm already scarred from it. Can you understand how pathetic it is going out with someone just because they look like your big ex?

OSWIN. I did always kind of suspect… but, you know, Clara's got some pretty nice Echoes, really. There's one who's a hippie who smokes tons of weed and lives in the 1960s, she'd totally dig the whole commune, environmental activist thing you have going on, and the pink hair.

FLEK. I'm not sure it's good for you to be here. Good for me.

OSWIN. I don't want you getting averse to me.

FLEK. Maybe I should be.

OSWIN. Aw, come on. This is the liberated future, exes can be friends these days. You don't want to see what it's like in the stone age; Adam doesn't talk to any of his, like, two exes. You're talking nonsense, anyway. I bet you were just into her cool robot eye and the fact she went up against the whole of the Alliance in their dispute over a poor mutant creature from Quadrant Twelve where she tried to rescue it, which is something I'd never try to do. These are just old emotions getting brought to the top, I don't believe for a second that you're still hung up on me. We don't want to end up like my brother and his ex-wife. [Oswin takes Flek's hand] I still care about you and you're always going to be important to me. I'm not going to let you freeze me out. Still wearing the ring you gave me, aren't I?

FLEK. [Looks at the ring on the third finger of Oswin's right hand] More than can be said for her… she never smiles, you know.

OSWIN. And she's not even that hot. You should be glad to be rid of her, eurgh. If I looked like that I don't know what I'd do. [Oswin lets go of her hand; Flek almost laughs] So when did this happen? You should have told me sooner, I could have set you up with Nios before she met her Dr Death. She's a sweetheart really, and Jenny's started teaching her how to cook.

FLEK. It was a week ago.

OSWIN. Maybe there's still a chance for a rebound shag with Ni before her new flame gets her claws in too deep.

FLEK. She's not my type, and it seems like this 'new flame' has her claws firmly sunk in.

OSWIN. You might be right…

FLEK. I don't think playing Cupid is really your forte.

OSWIN. Excuse me!? I'm excellent at playing Cupid! That's a challenge, and I accept it.

FLEK. What challenge?

OSWIN. To find my darling Flek a new girlfriend.

FLEK. Oswin…

OSWIN. Not right now. When you're ready. I'll start spending more time on Eslilia.

FLEK. What are you going to do on Eslilia?

OSWIN. [Shrugs] I don't know. There must be something the smartest girl in the universe can do. Or I could, I don't know…

FLEK. Talk to your brother?

OSWIN. Maybe.

FLEK. You could find him a girlfriend, too.

OSWIN. Eurgh, Zalur? Hold down a relationship without resorting to binge drinking and gambling? That'll be the day. He's not good enough for any girl.

FLEK. Oh, come on. I don't know why you dislike him so much – you complain about him more than you complain about Dret.

OSWIN. Dret's not even worth complaining about.

FLEK. So surely if Zalur is worth complaining about it's worth you trying to talk to him. You're the only one who's ever going to visit, it's not like Fyn will ever come from Horizon.

OSWIN. Fynny lives on Venus now.

FLEK. Why?

OSWIN. Oh, he just, he, um… so… wow, this is kind of a big thing but, you know my dad? As in my actual dad who died when I was two?

FLEK. Yes?

OSWIN. He's a hologram.

FLEK. You brought him-

OSWIN. No! He's… been a hologram this whole time. All our lives. On Venus. I'm foggy on the details but, erm, basically mother was lying to us and hiding tons of messages from him. Dret asked Fyn to sort through mother's possessions and Fyn found all sorts of things of dad's. And went to find him.

FLEK. Oh my god, Oswin- [reaches over and touches Oswin's hand] Have you seen him?

OSWIN. Yeah. I have. Clara made me.

FLEK. Well, what happened!? Your father, I can't believe it, you and Fyn and… did Dret not-?

OSWIN. Dret couldn't give a shit. I'm glad he pretends I don't exist.

FLEK. But what happened?

OSWIN. Good things. Don't worry about it.

FLEK. 'Good things'!? This is huge and all I get is 'good things'?

OSWIN. Well… why don't you come over?

FLEK. Excuse me?

OSWIN. To the TARDIS. Come and have dinner. Tonight.

FLEK. [Startled, moves her hand away from Oswin] Dinner? With you?

OSWIN. Come and meet Adam! You've never met him, and I feel like it'd be good and he'd stop being so insecure about the fact I'm still friends with you. And he can cook, he likes cooking. And he loves animals and does all this charity work – you'd like him. You need time away from Eslilia and this depressing storm and depressing place – and I'll have Nios come and talk about her date, too.

FLEK. No, I can't.

OSWIN. Why not?

FLEK. Because, you know, I've got things to do.

OSWIN. Things my arse; you're just sitting here being mopey. For good reason, of course; but you need a break.

FLEK. I really can't.

OSWIN. You really can! It's a time machine – does everyone keep forgetting this? You could be back here the minute you left. No one would even notice you were going.

[A long pause. Oswin smiles warmly at Flek while Flek thinks]

FLEK. …You're not going to take no for an answer, are you?

OSWIN. [Grinning] Absolutely not. And haven't you always wanted to see what Earth was like before the pollution destroyed it?

FLEK. I… well… you're still not helping me! Coming and threatening to show me amazing things.

OSWIN. [Backtracking] Not in a gay way. You don't have to go see Earth. Or Jenny could show you, she could show you the village. You could go meet Sally – she's gorgeous. Or I could convince Adam to drag you off to an aquarium; I hate aquariums but he never stops trying to make me go to them. You could see a squid that isn't a mutant the size of a skyscraper.

FLEK. Hanging out with your new boyfriend will definitely be weird.

OSWIN. Forget about all that then. But have dinner, at least. The change of scenery will be good, and I want you to meet him. Fyn likes him, and you know how Fyn can be. And I'll tell you about my dad. Is it a deal?

FLEK. …Fine, yes, alright. But you know I'm a vegetarian, if he's cooking-

OSWIN. Of course he can do vegetarian, don't worry. He's great, really.

FLEK. Seems like all you ever talk about is how great he is.

OSWIN. Do me a favour and mention that to him so he might be a bit more confident…

FLEK. Not until you sort out this thing with these sex clouds, though. I don't want to get possessed by something that makes me want to sleep with men.

OSWIN. Oh yeah. That. Slipped my mind a bit. I am right in thinking you've been developing anti-venoms and inoculations against the wildlife here though, aren't I?

FLEK. I'm a doctor, it's what I do. So. What kind of toxin are you after?

AN: First of all, don't you all start worrying that I'm going to break Adwin up in favour of Oslek or introduce some borderline-cheating subplot – that won't happen. I just feel like Adam's insecurity about Flek is something that needs closure before the fic ends. I broke Flek and Eyeball up mainly just because I've never actually liked them being together and it's always been sort of weird, plus I don't particularly like Eyeball while I do like Flek a lot and wanted to write her back in a few more times before the end. Along with that, there's just too many happy couples in this fic and someone needed to break up at some point with the advent of DrNios and the return of Janto.