Orgasmic Rush of Lust

[Captain Jack Harkness and Rose Tyler are walking together through the corridors of the TARDIS. They are both wearing their spacesuits; neither of them have worn the tailor-made suits before, designed by Oswin and bright white in colour. Currently, they do not have helmets on, and are connected by the comm system to River Song. River is elsewhere in the console room manning the TARDIS in an attempt to track the life signs of Amy and Rory after refusing to allow anybody else the job. Everybody else is still in hiding in the linen cupboard and cannot hear the comms. Jack is carrying a gun which shoots darts coated in venom; Rose has a box of syringes with the anti-venom]

ROSE. I'll tell you what – these suits are a bit tight, don't you think?

JACK. No such thing as too-tight clothing. Unless it's a noose, those things can really chafe.

ROSE. Seriously though, it's like I've got a wedgie. [Jack glances at her rear. She notices and hits his arm, laughing] Oi!

JACK. That bottom looks great to me.

ROSE. Cheeky.

JACK. What? Don't you want your chief bridesmaid to tell you your bum is looking fine? Do you want to check mine? [He half turns his back to her and she makes a show of putting a hand to her chin and observing thoughtfully]

ROSE. Round, but losing some of its firmness in your old age. Like a ripe peach.

JACK. Old age!?

ROSE. Probably score you an eight out of ten.

JACK. An eight out of ten!? [Puts his hands on his hips] I'm gonna have to ask Ianto what he thinks. I might have to start doing squats. Or maybe you're just a harsh critic.

ROSE. Honest as they come, mate.

JACK. Then I really am in trouble.

RIVER COMMS. Let me know when you're done flirting with each other so I can give you directions.

JACK. You didn't strike me as someone who doesn't like flirting.

RIVER COMMS. Considering my parents are dying…

JACK. We've gotta keep talking, you know that. Part of the plan.

RIVER COMMS. Don't mention that, he'll hear you. We're lucky the linen cupboard is soundproofed.

JACK. Him hearing us is the plan.

ROSE. What are these directions, then?

JACK. Not that we're going to stop flirting.

ROSE. Wouldn't dream of it.

RIVER COMMS. Last detected them in the garden.

JACK. Garden. Gotcha. Harkness out. [Rose rolls her eyes and does a mime like a yapping mouth with her hand to indicate River is annoying her] Come on, the garden's this way, I think.

ROSE. You're absolutely sure about these spacesuits?

JACK. It's spacesuit. When it comes to space you've got to have incredibly bulky or incredibly tight; it's gotta match your skin pore for pore. It'll keep you well-pressurised in the vacuum of space, I promise you now. Unless you accidentally took Clara's spacesuit-

ROSE. No, I double checked. When I realised how tight it is.

JACK. Take it up with Oswin, she made them. Hey, maybe she's into you. God knows I can't think of a reason why anyone wouldn't be. [Rose grimaces and keeps picking at bits of the spacesuit] Leave it alone, it could rupture. It's bound to feel weird when we're not in a vacuum.

ROSE. Don't we have any regular gas masks?

JACK. Like those zombies, you mean? [Rose gasps and stops in the corridor]

ROSE. Bloody hell. That was when we met, wasn't it?

JACK. I guess it was. Huh. Weird. [They continue walking]

ROSE. And you were flirting with me then, as well.

JACK. And looking at your bum. That was the first part of you I saw, dangling off that blimp.

ROSE. Some things never change.

JACK. 'Cept we're both engaged.

ROSE. Whoever cared about a silly thing like that?

JACK. You're lucky your husband's not listening.

RIVER COMMS. No, I'M listening, and you're really getting on my nerves.

ROSE. We're not gonna just not talk to each other. This is a bit boring, you know.

RIVER COMMS. I'm sorry if you find saving my parents' lives boring.

JACK. We're doing everything we can out here. I don't see you coming to help, which you could have done.

RIVER COMMS. The plan wouldn't have worked and you know it.

JACK. Then be quiet and stop complaining. I'm sure there's a mute button on here somewhere. [Silence] That's what I thought. Now, the garden.

[They enter the TARDIS garden, which is enormous and closely resembles a greenhouse. It is filled with all manner of exotic plants with unusual fruits growing on them and is under-utilised by the TARDIS crew]

ROSE. God, I haven't been in here for months.

JACK. Me either. I might show it to Ianto. We could have a picnic.

ROSE. A picnic? You?

JACK. Well, why not? It'll be a nice surprise.

[Jack holds his dart gun ready to fire, Rose stays close to him, they talk with lowered voices and keep their eyes peeled while trying to maintain levity]

ROSE. So you're going to make the food? For a picnic? I can't even imagine you buying food for a picnic, you didn't come shopping with us today.

JACK. I could make sandwiches. Who do you think I am?

ROSE. Someone who doesn't make sandwiches. Or go on picnics – did you ever take Jenny on picnics?

JACK. [Whispering] I think I heard something. [Rose looks at him suspiciously. He raises his gun and walks carefully through the trees and bushes]

ROSE. I don't think I heard anything.

JACK. Quiet, I definitely heard something.

ROSE. Is there wildlife in here? Apart from the plants? Is this like, a zoo?

RIVER COMMS. No, it's just flora.

ROSE. Are you just listening to everything we say?

RIVER COMMS. Of course I am.

ROSE. Typical…

RIVER COMMS. The Doctor wouldn't remember to take care of living things. He never even remembers there's fruit growing here.

ROSE. Which Doctor?

RIVER COMMS. Eleven, mostly. Lord knows how he takes care of his wife. I'm not getting any life signs from the garden anymore.

ROSE. Nice of you to tell us.

RIVER COMMS. I'm telling you now!

ROSE. How are there no life signs? Do you mean me and Jack are dead? Like, we register as dead on the TARDIS scanners?

RIVER COMMS. No! I mean apart from you two. Obviously.

ROSE. [To Jack] Then what are you going on about hearing a noise?

RIVER COMMS. He's obviously lying because he doesn't want to talk about Jenny.

ROSE. Oh, come on. I thought you two are alright now. Are you fighting again?

JACK. No, we're not fighting. But I don't think she's talking to me.

ROSE. So you are fighting.

RIVER COMMS. She's just not happy about him using her to retrieve a dangerous alien device that could track Ianto across the universe. Didn't you hear about this?

ROSE. I must have missed that news bulletin.

JACK. Okay, it's not as bad as it sounds. I wasn't using her. River was the one who brought her along, and I didn't ask either of them to follow me.

RIVER COMMS. Didn't you notice he was missing for days?

ROSE. I just assumed he was on the lash, or something. Where are we supposed to be going next if they're not in here anymore?

RIVER COMMS. Swimming pool.

ROSE. Great… [They walk towards the exit] What 'dangerous alien device' was this, then?

JACK. Just this thing. The Singularity. I needed to find him, by any means possible.

ROSE. Couldn't I have helped with that? If you asked?

JACK. It was something I needed to do on my own.

ROSE. Clearly it was something Jenny needed to do.

JACK. She didn't really do that much.

RIVER COMMS. She did just about everything. She even cooked dinner, after she killed and butchered dinner first.

JACK. The girl makes a mean steak.

[Back in the corridors of the TARDIS]

ROSE. You never even answered about the picnics.

JACK. We went on one, but I'm not very romantic.

ROSE. You seem very romantic where Ianto's concerned.

JACK. I'm just now getting relationship advice for my dead marriage? It's not like I ever saw her making a romantic gesture for me. Yet she makes plenty now, she's full to bursting with them. Overflowing, even. She'd probably take you on a picnic if you asked her.

ROSE. Maybe I will. She's alright at cooking.

JACK. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Alright at cooking? She's 'alright'?

ROSE. Uh…

JACK. You know she's a professional chef?

ROSE. No.

JACK. Uh-huh. Trained in a four-star restaurant, in Italy. Have you not noticed her teaching Nios how to cook?

ROSE. What does Nios want to cook for?

JACK. Beats me. Maybe she's bored.

ROSE. You sound jealous.

JACK. Of what?

ROSE. Of not Jenny not cooking for you anymore.

JACK. She never cooked for me to begin with! It's all come back to her suddenly because she wants to schmooze Fangs.

RIVER COMMS. 'Fangs'? How mature of you, Jack.

JACK. Okay, shut up. It's a… fond nickname. In fondness. Because I'm fond of her.

ROSE. Fond my arse.

JACK. Yes, I am fond of your arse.

ROSE. Not what I meant.

JACK. But I'd rather talk about that instead. Maybe we should start drilling you about your relationship, huh?

RIVER COMMS. I'm sure Rose gets plenty of drilling in her relationship.

[Jack sniggers]

ROSE. Yeah, alright, more than can be said for you, hologram.

JACK. Ooh, she totally burned you.

RIVER COMMS. Shut up, Jack.

ROSE. Anyway. There's no part of my relationship I'm ashamed of.

JACK. So how's your mother taking the news you're getting remarried?

ROSE. You little bastard. [River can be heard suppressing laughter over the comms]

JACK. I thought there's no part of your relationship you're ashamed of?

ROSE. That was an old relationship!

JACK. So's me and Jenny!

RIVER COMMS. The scanners say you're loitering outside the pool now.

[Rose slams her fist on the button that opens the door a little too hard and it dents and gets jammed in the wall, triggering the door to get stuck in the process of opening. It twitches and opens and closes very rapidly, much too fast for them to get through]

JACK. Good going.

[To make a point, Rose wedges her hands in the broken doors and clamps them down on each side, pushing the doors apart and holding them with brute strength, something which is very easy for her to do]

ROSE. [Glaring at Jack] Do you have any other smart comments to make?

JACK. No ma'am, I do not.

ROSE. Better not. Come on. [She holds the doors open as wide as she can reach to make space for him to get through before her]

JACK. I hope you don't let those doors slam on me.

ROSE. I'll try to resist the temptation. But it is very tempting.

[Jack slips through the gap and Rose follows, the doors staying stuck open behind them. They are in the pool room, which is complete with multiple gigantic waterslides, wave machines and a Jacuzzi, but there is no sign of either of the Ponds]

JACK. Song, are you not keeping your eyes on the screens properly? Unless they've drowned they're not in here.

ROSE. They could be on one of the slides. Are these spacesuits waterproof?

JACK. Yes, but you can go swimming later, now's not the time.

RIVER COMMS. Sorry. You're right. They've moved on.

ROSE. Bloody hell.

JACK. You need to keep your eyes on the scanners and your ears out of our conversations.

RIVER COMMS. They're moving quite quickly, it's not my fault.

ROSE. They're your parents. This is feeling like a bit of a wild goose chase.

RIVER COMMS. The garage.

ROSE. There's a garage?

RIVER COMMS. Just leave and turn left.

ROSE. Definitely no time for a swim?

JACK. No, only time to lead us to a dozen different places.

RIVER COMMS. This is only the third place I told you to go.

JACK. Well it better be the last one. I haven't got all day.

[They vacate the pool, being careful of the door which, though jammed, is still twitching a little]

JACK. But I'm serious, how is your mother taking the news of this next wedding? She is coming, isn't she? I don't need to go charm her into showing up?

ROSE. Not yet, but you better be there to keep her happy the whole day, I'm putting you in charge of that.

JACK. Consider it done. Ianto mentioned you found a wedding dress.

ROSE. I was telling him about it this morning.

JACK. He picked out Gwen's wedding dress for her.

ROSE. So he mentioned.

JACK. Always used to tell us his father was a master tailor. He wasn't, in the end, can't think why he lied… but the boy wears some sharp suits, I'm telling you.

ROSE. [Wryly] I've noticed. [Jack laughs] He's nice, I like him. Esther likes him. She said you two should go round for dinner, but I don't think Sally was very keen on the idea.

JACK. Sally doesn't like me.

ROSE. Can't please everyone.

JACK. I try my hardest. I'll talk to Esther about it. I'm sure Sally can go and hang out with Fangs, though I doubt she'd ever miss the opportunity to make smart comments about me.

ROSE. She's coming to the wedding now.

JACK. Sally is?

ROSE. The Doctor kept saying we need a photographer. To be honest, I don't care, but Esther vouched for her.

JACK. She must be pretty good if Esther vouched for her, then. I'll be sure to avoid her as I force-feed your mother cocktails.

ROSE. I really doubt there'll be much forcing since we're having a free bar.

JACK. So how much more have you got left to arrange?

ROSE. Christ, really putting me on the spot now… [goes quiet while they walk and she thinks] I know we definitely haven't settled on what flowers we're having, I don't think the Doctor and Donna have been to pick out a suit since I told him he has to get a proper wedding suit – there's been some issues getting a catering company, the one we found first pulled out suddenly and has been replaced by this other one we'd never heard of who don't seem to have a website. Something about 'the best publicity is word of mouth', I don't know. But it's going more smoothly than you might think. Although, he does keep going on about wanting to get a ridiculous wedding cake that looks like a giant TARDIS.

JACK. That'd be great!

ROSE. No, I fancy one that looks like a big cupcake, you know? Then with lots more small cupcakes. And all the guests get a small cupcake and then we get the giant one. I'm not having a bloody TARDIS. At least we're agreed on chocolate flavour…

JACK. Ah, small victories. I for one can't wait for this wedding.

ROSE. What about you and Ianto?

JACK. I have a keen plan to very chaotically elope.

ROSE. Typical.

JACK. I'll make sure to bring you along as one of our witnesses, though. You and Gwen. Maybe Rhys if he's not too busy with the baby. Nice and small and fast. In and out.

ROSE. Like going to a drive-through.

JACK. Yep. I'm thinking Starlight District.

ROSE. What's that?

JACK. Basically Vegas, but in the Fifty-First Century and in space.

ROSE. Sounds tacky.

JACK. Tacky and a half – that's the best thing about it. We won't do it until after yours, though. I'd hate to take the spotlight away from a blushing bride such as yourself.

ROSE. Oh, you're too kind.

JACK. Thanks. This is the garage.

[They go into the garage, a room on the TARDIS Rose has never been in before. It has an array of vehicles spanning from the partially-destroyed yacht of Adam Mitchell to half a dozen cars also belonging to him including the DeLorean, his 1950s authentic Hudson Commodore, and his Porsche 911. There is also the Doctor's anti-gravity motorbike and Jenny's ancient and completely broken spaceship. The thing which catches Rose's eye, however, is the enormous silver, shining flying saucer, which floats silently alongside a dismantled red Porsche 356 from the 1940s in the process of being restored]

ROSE. What the hell is that?

JACK. Jenny's spaceship.

ROSE. Why does she need her own spaceship?

JACK. It's actually pretty cool. Designed by Oswin. Obviously.

ROSE. [Looking at the Porsche 356] And what about that car?

JACK. I heard her mention something about it being a gift.

ROSE. A gift from who?

JACK. Jenny. I think it's stolen. You know, I think that might be the stolen car she was talking about earlier, when she got called up about heroin. She's planning on giving it to Clara.

ROSE. Wow. You're right about her 'overflowing with romance' at the moment. Do you think she'd steal me a fancy car? As a wedding present?

JACK. Absolutely, she loves stealing things. River, come in. Any updates?

RIVER COMMS. In the room with you, apparently.

ROSE. I don't see or hear them.

RIVER COMMS. Fifteen metres or so ahead of you, other side of the room. They're definitely still in there, I swear.

JACK. Yep. Oh yeah. Sounds about right. [He nudges Rose and then points at Adam Mitchell's Hudson Commodore, which she now notices is steadily rocking]

ROSE. Oh my god. Are you serious.

JACK. Uh…

RIVER COMMS. What is it?

JACK. It's your parents.

ROSE. They're shagging.

JACK. In the back of Adam's car. Good thing they can't vaporise each other, huh?

RIVER COMMS. Go and deal with them, then!

ROSE. Shouldn't we wait for them to finish? It feels a bit rude.

JACK. The quicker we get it over with, the better. And I've always kind of wanted to see what Rory looks like naked. How… 'impressive' he is. If you catch my drift.

ROSE. I do, but I really wish I didn't.

JACK. You're not curious?

ROSE. No! Why would I be?

JACK. Just… y'know. I can't be the only one who thinks she's a little bit out of his league. I just wanna know there's 'other factors' at play.

ROSE. You peep if you want, but just hurry up and open the door and shoot them. I'll stay over here.

JACK. What? What if they get rowdy?

ROSE. Will you not be able to handle them if they're 'rowdy'?

JACK. If I had you there for backup…

ROSE. I'm literally right here. You're a grown up now, I'm sure you'll manage. I can always step in if things get too rough for you. [He scowls at her] Go on.

JACK. Fine.

[Cautiously, with Rose keeping a steady distance, Jack approaches the car]

ROSE. Hurry up about it, they're going to die soon. [He ignores her and continues his slow approach, eventually close enough to knock on the very steamed-up window]

JACK. You crazy kids in there wanna come out? [The movement inside ceases]

AMY. [To Rory] You didn't tell me there was somebody coming.

RORY. Maybe I didn't hear them. I'm not used to these abilities. I've never known a human to have them before.

JACK. Yep, sure is a feat of nature, Rory's a real miracle.

AMY. I wonder if this body has any powers…

JACK. Apart from the power of being super hot? Come out here and I'll show you what effect that has on people. [Jack's hand tightens around his dart gun] Have you scoured their memories enough to work out that I'm immortal? What is that, like an infinite junkie hit? Chain me up and do what you like. Pretty sure Rose could resurrect, too.

ROSE. An untested theory.

JACK. We're hot, ready and willing. C'mon, we could be having the world's hottest orgy right now – Ianto and I used to love playing naked hide-and-seek in the Torchwood base.

ROSE. [Cringes] Too much information.

RORY. Immortality does ring a bell…

[Sounds of moving around in the car until Amy manages to roll the window down]

JACK. [Grinning, holding the gun behind his back] Looks sweaty in there.

AMY. [Smirks] Oh, it is. Why don't you come inside, big boy, and tell me just how sweaty it is?

JACK. My pleasure.

[Amy reaches out a hand and grabs the utility belt of Jack's spacesuit and drags him closer to the car so he is pressed against it. In a flash, he reveals the gun and shoots her right in the jugular, hitting her hand away and stepping back. Amy screams and Rose comes closer]

JACK. One down.

RORY. [Within the car] What have you done to her!?

JACK. Tranq'd her.

AMY. Doesn't feel like tranquiliser, it's burning me. [Pulls the dart out of her neck and presses a hand over the wound]

JACK. Maybe the burning is the hostile alien cloud trying to kill you from the inside. C'mon, Amy, wake up a little. Even Carys had better control than this, she didn't let it just take her over, she fought it.

AMY. I can't breathe, I can hardly breathe-

ROSE. How long have we got, exactly?

JACK. Five minutes.

ROSE. Five minutes!? Couldn't she have gone with something a little less potent?

JACK. Oswin said this stuff has the anti-venom with the highest reliability, so that's what we had to go with. Should be losing consciousness any minute now.

RORY. Did you say 'anti-venom'!? What is this, what have you done? Wake up, woman, wake up.

ROSE. Charming. Do you clouds not have names?

RORY. We have a bond that goes beyond names.

JACK. Probably too high to remember at the moment. She looks like she's dozing off. [Amy slumps against the back chair of the Commodore]

RORY. No! You can't kill her! You'd rather kill your friends than let us live on in peace?

ROSE. I suppose so.

RORY. And you call us the monsters! [Fumbling to get out of the car, Jack is reloading the dart gun. He scrambles out of the opposite side and falls to the floor, then in a blind rage runs at Jack, completely nude. Jack pulls the trigger and shoots Rory with a second poison dart in the abdomen, which stops him in his tracks] No, no, no! You're animals, you humans!

ROSE. You travel across the universe shagging people to death, and we're the animals?

RORY. We wouldn't be able to do anybody to death if you weren't all so up for it.

JACK. You're secreting toxic pheromones.

RORY. You're one to talk when it comes to toxins, what is this?

JACK. Not sure. From a plant. Oswin found it. Now, uh, hurry up and vacate Rory's body before he dies. It's only a precaution so that you can pass into Rose and I and spare their lives.

ROSE. Yep, totally. River's very upset about the prospect of her parents dying, so, you know. We're here to volunteer our services.

RORY. You asked for it.

[From Amy's body in the car through the open window and from Rory as he buckles and collapses in a heap on the floor, two glowing purple-pink clouds of vapour emerge, leaving the Ponds unconscious and dying and submitting themselves to the atmosphere]

JACK. Helmets, now!

[Jack and Rose push the buttons on the inside of the large electronic collars of the spacesuits at the same time, allowing the clear-glass spherical helmets to emerge and cover their faces to keep them alive]

ROSE. Now what? We just hope the clouds die before them?

JACK. More or less. Really shouldn't take more than ten seconds. I'm not sure they're too bright.

ROSE. Clearly.

[They wait and, sure enough, it takes roughly ten seconds for the two clouds to disperse into the air and vanish]

ROSE. To come to a planet where the air kills you that quickly just for a hit, it must be a pretty good hit.

JACK. You could get a heroin addict to run through fire if they were in withdrawal and you had some junk on you. That's what I call chasing the dragon. Get over here with the anti-venoms, will you? They are dying. Like, literally.

ROSE. Oh, right. [She gives Jack the box of syringes and he crouches down next to Rory to inject him first because he is the closest] I guess you were right about his, uh… assets then.

JACK. Amy's a lucky girl is all I can say.

ROSE. Mmm.

JACK. Don't ogle the man, he's dying.

ROSE. Well I can't ogle him when he's dead. That would be weird.

JACK. He's unconscious, it's still weird.

RIVER COMMS. I can still hear you.

ROSE. [Lies] We're talking about his… abs.

RIVER COMMS. Yes. Clearly. What's the status?

ROSE. Both naked, both on the floor, Jack's just finishing off injecting Amy with the anti-venom now. Reckon you should send Mickey and Martha down here with some spare clothes and medical equipment.

JACK. And Clara, she's got a polaroid camera.

ROSE. Why do you want a polaroid camera?

JACK. Because this is hilarious.

ROSE. Alright, so looking at his cock is weird, but taking a photo of it is fine? [River clears her throat] And obviously, when I say 'cock' I mean… abs.

RIVER COMMS. I'm not going to send Clara.

ROSE. Fair enough. She'd probably get over-excited.

RIVER COMMS. The pair of you sound excited enough already. Just try and keep them alive.

ROSE. Understood.