Three's a Crowd

[In their rooms]

OSWIN. I just don't see why you think it would be awkward, she's only my ex-girlfriend.

ADAM. Are you joking!? It's because she's your ex-girlfriend why it would be awkward! It's going to be the most awkward thing I've ever had to go through in my whole life! And you want me to cook for her!

OSWIN. She eats vegetable stew everyday that's probably been steeping in a giant vat for weeks, you don't have to do anything fancy. And you cooked for my brother, Fyn's a lot scarier than Flek. And Nios will be there too.

ADAM. I never even talk to Nios!

OSWIN. [Softly] Adam, come on. You didn't get this upset when I destroyed your yacht, so why now?

[Anguished, Adam Mitchell goes to sit on one of the sofas. Oswin limps over and sits next to him]

ADAM. It's stressing me out.

OSWIN. Mitchell, you're a complete idiot. You have an IQ of 230 and you still can't understand that I am completely in love with you and devoted to you. Which everybody else can see very clearly except you through the giant wall you've erected out of your low self-esteem. And you're already at least one-up on Flek because you've never tried to say that the bombs I built that killed thousands of people were a 'necessary evil.' Not to mention the whole fiasco with that bloody squid…

ADAM. Do you still love her?

OSWIN. …I don't think I'll ever not love her, life's complicated like that. But I'm worried about her; she's not very emotionally astute and she hasn't got anybody close on Eslilia. She did get dumped by her fiancée.

ADAM. Who looks just like you.

OSWIN. Well… yeah, but-

ADAM. What if she makes a move on you?

OSWIN. I've got a boyfriend. He's really great. We're very happy together even though he's stupid. Look, babe, she's one of my best friends, she's my oldest friend who I'm not related to, and she's having a hard time right now. It's really important to me that you meet her – it'll make her less scary, I promise.

ADAM. [Unconvincingly] I'm not scared.

OSWIN. Good! Because you shouldn't be! She's sad and she's shy so she'll probably hardly even talk. And I'll be there the whole time, alright?

ADAM. …Alright. Okay. I'll do it.

[Oswin throws her arms around him and kisses the side of his face half a dozen times, taking him greatly by surprise]

OSWIN. Thank you so much, it's not going to be anywhere near as bad as you think, I swear. Now you should start cooking whatever you're going to make-

ADAM. Now?

OSWIN. Yes, now. I have to go get her. [Stares at her like she is crazy] Don't look at me like that, I have to show her into the medibay first so she can check over Amy and Rory. She is the doctor who developed the anti-venoms, after all. Plus, she might want a look at the cats.

ADAM. Send Nios in to help, then. Since Jenny's apparently teaching her how to cook. Maybe I'll teach her how to do something.

OSWIN. I'll do that. [Gets up to leave, pauses on her way out of the room] By the way, I love you. In case you need reminding again for the umpteenth time today.

ADAM. [Smiles, blushes] I love you too.

/

[Forty-five minutes later, outside of Adam and Oswin's rooms, after Flek has been picked up from Eslilia and has examined Amy and Rory]

FLEK. I feel like this is gonna be awkward. Like, really awkward.

OSWIN. You two are as bad as each other.

FLEK. Who?

OSWIN. You and Adam!

FLEK. Wait. [grabs Oswin's arm to stop her from going into the room] Are you saying we're alike? Me and your new boyfriend?

OSWIN. Well, he's not a genetically identical time-clone of you with a moody attitude and a cybernetic eyeball-

FLEK. Yeah, alright, I get it.

OSWIN. Come on, stop being a baby. [Drags Flek into the room as the doors open]

FLEK. No, no! I'm not-

OSWIN. [Announcing their arrival to the room] Finally managed to stop her from ogling Amy's naked corpse. [Flek goes red]

[Only Adam and Nios are in the room, both standing in the kitchen next to the oven. Adam has been tapping his foot very anxiously and playing with his phone, which he almost drops on the floor when Flek and Oswin enter]

NIOS. Careful there.

ADAM. I am careful.

NIOS. So what's the verdict on Amy and Rory?

FLEK. They'll be fine, just need a few days to recover. Martha can keep any eye on them.

OSWIN. And if they do die then I'm sure Dr Death will want a go on the bodies.

NIOS. Don't say things like that.

OSWIN. Anyway. Flek, this is Adam Mitchell, obviously, and Adam, this is Flek.

ADAM. Hi. [Flek nods and waves a little]

OSWIN. What have you cooked, in the end? Nothing with meat?

ADAM. Baked potatoes.

OSWIN. What have we got to drink?

ADAM. Uh… apart from tea? There's still some ciders… I'm sure your sister has a stash of alcohol somewhere.

FLEK. I'll just have water. If you were offering – I don't mean to assume.

OSWIN. Eurgh, you're pathetic.

FLEK. I don't drink anymore.

OSWIN. What a coincidence, neither do I. Not even pansy fruit ciders.

ADAM. I just like alcohol that doesn't taste like alcohol…

NIOS. Why don't you just have juice, then? [Adam cannot think of a good answer]

FLEK. It's hard to get cold, clean water on Eslilia.

OSWIN. Thank god Adam's got a talent for making things cold.

[The oven dings. Nios watches Adam get the potatoes out closely while Oswin and Flek sit down opposite each other at the table]

ADAM. [Uneasily] Do you want cheese?

FLEK. From a cow?

OSWIN. Yes, from a cow. Have you turned vegan?

FLEK. No, but – you know what cows are like.

ADAM. …What are cows like?

OSWIN. It's from a Twenty-First Century cow. Not a mutated monster like we had on Horizon.

ADAM. [Sorting plates and cutlery] Is everything mutated in the future?

FLEK. It's horrible, no one has any concern for the environment anymore, it's like they never did. All the Alliance cares about is-

OSWIN. [Coolly] Come on, now. Let's not talk about that.

FLEK. He asked.

[Nios's phone buzzes. Oswin seizes the opportunity to change the subject away from the Homeworld Alliance and the Cluster Spores]

OSWIN. Is that your girlfriend?

NIOS. [Defensive] She's not my… I don't know what she is. I don't think she's my girlfriend.

OSWIN. Is it her, though?

[Adam brings two plates with two potatoes each to the table. Nios sits down next to Flek. Adam goes to fill a jug of water and chill it with his cryokinesis]

NIOS. Yes.

OSWIN. So it went well, then? Or did it go so badly she just has to abuse you over text?

ADAM. Oswin, be nice. I'm sure Nios isn't getting abused over text.

OSWIN. I can abuse her over text if she wants.

ADAM. She gets enough abuse from you in person. [He sets down the jug of water and a glass, then a bag of optional cheese. He talks to Flek, sitting down next to Oswin] There should be baked beans, really, but it was all very short notice and I don't think we've got any.

NIOS. [Looking at her phone] We did, Clara ate them when everyone was in the cupboard.

ADAM. What do you mean, she ate them?

NIOS. She just ate them.

ADAM. We didn't have any cutlery.

NIOS. She just kind of drank them out of the tin.

ADAM. Cold? [Nios nods] Eurgh.

FLEK. This potato grew in the ground? This is a real potato? I don't know if I've ever seen a real potato.

ADAM. It's a good British potato.

NIOS. Why does it matter where it comes from?

ADAM. It's just nice if it comes from the same country where you buy it. The jet fumes created by unnecessarily importing produce just for the excuse of outsourcing cheap, foreign labour is devastating the ozone layer. Not to mention it's immoral.

OSWIN. See Flek, I told you he cares about all that environment crap. But now I'm dying to hear about Nios's date!

NIOS. Is that the only reason I'm here?

ADAM. Honestly you should just get it over with and tell her. She won't shut up about it otherwise.

NIOS. It… was… good.

OSWIN. Good? I set you up on a date and all you can say is 'it was good'?

NIOS. You never talk about your dates.

OSWIN. We went to the air and space museum in Washington earlier this week and Adam nearly got us kicked out trying to bribe someone to let him sit in the Virgo-II Lunar Lander, and he ate this prawn sandwich that nearly made him sick on the table. Oh, but this really skeezy security guard told us that he would let Adam into the pod if I snogged him. Which I politely declined.

ADAM. I wouldn't say you 'politely' declined, you hit him in the shin with your stick.

OSWIN. Whatever. Now it's your turn, Ni. What happened with Dr Death?

[Flek is finally eating her potatoes after letting cheese and butter melt into them. She is ravenous after only eating very watered down stew for months and has never tasted real cheese or butter or potato before]

NIOS. We went to a café first because she hadn't had lunch yet and she was worried I'd be offended because I can't eat.

OSWIN. Aww, she knew you couldn't eat and still brought you to a café? She must have really wanted to spend time with you.

NIOS. She said that.

OSWIN. What else?

NIOS. She took me to this medical museum where you need ID that proves you're a medical professional to get in.

OSWIN. You haven't got ID that proves you're a medical professional.

NIOS. No, she just sort of glared at the man at the desk until he let her do what she wanted.

ADAM. Should've brought her with us to D.C., she could have convinced the guy to let me in the lunar lander.

OSWIN. So you looked at gross things, right?

NIOS. More or less.

FLEK. [Finally pausing from her food] What kind of gross things?

NIOS. There was this massive tapeworm. Then she said she's got a tapeworm in her flat. And there were more dead babies than I'd ever want to see.

OSWIN. [To Flek] She's really obsessed with death.

FLEK. I never would have guessed. It's not like you call her 'Dr Death' or anything. Does she not hate being called that?

NIOS. She actually quite likes it. She's called Cohen.

FLEK. That's her first name?

NIOS. No.

OSWIN. Do you know what her first name is yet? Did she tell you?

NIOS. She told me when I asked her out; when she wrote her phone number down for me she wrote her name along with it. But she wouldn't be happy if I told you, she banned me from calling her by it.

ADAM. That's cute that she wrote her number down. Did things go well, then?

NIOS. I think so. She's still texting me.

ADAM. Well, that's nice. A lot more normal than some of the other relationships on this spaceship.

OSWIN. Like who?

ADAM. Jack and Jenny, mainly.

[Someone knocks on the door and does not wait to be allowed in to enter, opening it and barging in immediately]

OSWIN. Speak of the devil and the devil shall appear.

JENNY. [Standing in the doorway] Devil?

OSWIN. We were just talking about you.

JENNY. Really? That's nice. Listen, I… what's going on? Oh – hi, Flek! It's been a while! How's the wedding planning going?

[Flek coughs on her water]

OSWIN. Do you want something?

JENNY. Just need your help. This looks totally awkward. Is this awkward?

NIOS. I don't think you're helping.

JENNY. Nios! How did your date go? Clara and I are desperate to know.

NIOS. It went well.

JENNY. [Grinning] Glad to hear it! Did you kiss her?

OSWIN. Ooh, yeah, did you?

NIOS. …Maybe. [Jenny squeals with excitement]

OSWIN. Eurgh, that noise is inhuman.

JENNY. I'm an alien. You kissed her though! Clara'll be so impressed, she's always moaning at me for being tactless when it comes to things like that.

ADAM. You? Tactless?

JENNY. Something to do with me not being able to work out she fancied me.

ADAM. But you were sleeping together for two months before you started going out.

JENNY. I know! Weird, isn't it? [Clears throat] Anyway. Oswin. If I hypothetically had about a hundred kilos of heroin, do you think you might know a way to get rid of it? Or make it useful?

OSWIN. What!?

JENNY. Hypothetically!

FLEK. What are you doing with that much heroin?

JENNY. It's hypothetical. But I need you to come with me.

OSWIN. Why!?

JENNY. You've got a talent for explosives!

OSWIN. [Begrudgingly getting out of her chair] You're ridiculous, and you bloody owe me for this.

JENNY. Thank you so much for helping with my hypothetically problem, I literally love you.

OSWIN. Yeah, whatever…

[Jenny and Oswin leave. Nios's eyes are glued to her phone again]

ADAM. …How's the potato, then? Sorry I couldn't come up with anything more interesting. I made ratatouille for Fyn the last time we had dinner.

NIOS. You cooked rat?

ADAM. No, it's all vegetables.

FLEK. This is probably one of the nicest things I've ever eaten.

ADAM. What? Really?

FLEK. I've basically lived on rations for most of my life, travelling with Spores, then the Dust War, now Eslilia… food in our century isn't very good to start with, let alone when it's rationed.

ADAM. They don't have anywhere that grows fresh food?

FLEK. We try on Eslilia.

ADAM. What's the soil toxicology like there?

NIOS. Soil toxicology?

ADAM. Well – I don't know – if it's similar to Earth and unpolluted I'm sure we could get Earth vegetables and fruits to grow there. Or surely you could build a greenhouse with imported soil if there's a risk of Earth plants becoming an invasive species and harming the ecosystem.

FLEK. I thought you said food shouldn't be imported.

ADAM. I think the TARDIS is carbon neutral, though.

FLEK. I'll think about it. Oswin's dying to spend more time on Eslilia, maybe you can tag along and stop her from… well, you know. Upsetting anyone.

NIOS. Doesn't sound like Oswin, wanting to spend time on Eslilia.

FLEK. [Annoyed] She's making it her new special project to find me a new girlfriend out of the Remnants.

NIOS. It might work out. She is telling the truth about convincing me to speak to Cohen. And the same with Jenny and Other Clara.

FLEK. [Trying to change the subject] Speaking of Jenny, it's interesting that you apparently worry about Oswin hanging around with me but not with her.

ADAM. Er…

[Flek immediately backtracks]

FLEK. Not to sound rude, or anything! I didn't mean to be rude, or pass judgement on your relationship. It's just – she mentions you being insecure.

ADAM. How nice of her…

FLEK. She says it just because she's worried. And you shouldn't be – she thinks the world of you. Besides, she would never cheat on anybody. Dret once cheated on someone and she screamed at him and called him a 'morally bankrupt waste of sperm.' And she nearly stuck razorblades onto his toothbrush, but Fyn wouldn't let her.

ADAM. Well that's a story she's never told me…

FLEK. I'm still surprised you're not more jealous of Jenny.

ADAM. I think everybody is jealous of her a bit. But she's so nice it's impossible to maintain…

NIOS. [Murmurs in agreement, still looking at her phone and texting] She has that effect on people.

FLEK. What's the story behind the heroin?

ADAM. I don't know. She got a phone call earlier today from someone in the mob saying they'd been shot and needed her help to carry off a heroin deal, and she refused and said narcotics are bad news and they should start a prostitution racket instead.

NIOS. She's probably trying to keep it off the streets.

FLEK. The mob?

ADAM. You know. Organised crime.

FLEK. Jenny's a criminal?

ADAM. Yeah.

NIOS. How did she get involved with the mob?

ADAM. I haven't a clue.

[The door opens and Oswin returns looking irritated, not saying a word until she has sat back down at the table by Adam's side]

FLEK. Everything alright?

OSWIN. That bloody woman – I've just had to write her instructions on how to make thermite so she can get rid of all that junk.

ADAM. With your handwriting?

OSWIN. She claims she can read it. If she blows herself up that's her own fault. For asking for the recipe for dangerous explosives. [To Adam] I swear, if you ever pull a stunt like that I'll dump you on the spot.

ADAM. Duly noted.

OSWIN. I don't know how Ravenwood puts up with it. Did I miss anything exciting?

ADAM. We were just talking about soil.

OSWIN. [Appalled] Soil? God help us all.

FLEK. Adam thinks he might try to help us grow Earth vegetables on Eslilia. Build a proper greenhouse.

OSWIN. That's sweet, babe, but no one likes vegetables. If you work out a way to grow pizza and ice cream on trees, then you'll be getting somewhere.

ADAM. Thanks for your support.

OSWIN. Of course you have my support! I suppose there won't be anything for me to do on Eslilia now if genius-boy is there.

FLEK. You could always help us find clean energy solutions.

OSWIN. Oh, Adam can do that, easy-peasy. Don't need me. Besides, I think the weather on Eslilia is grim.

NIOS. Doesn't that mean you're out of projects?

OSWIN. Mmm. Maybe I'll start contributing to your education as well as Jenny.

NIOS. Um… I'm not very interested in machines.

OSWIN. You are a machine.

NIOS. So what?

OSWIN. Ugh. I'll just put jetpacks in the spacesuits then.

FLEK. If you're that desperate, you can do me a favour and design a water purifier. It's hard to filter the water on Eslilia.

OSWIN. Consider it done.

FLEK. Honestly, there's a lot of parts of the general infrastructure that need improvement. Might be an idea to come and assess it, if you're serious about how bored you are.

OSWIN. I'm always bored. But you've been there for ages, why haven't you asked for help before?

FLEK. Didn't think you would be keen on the idea of helping the Cluster Spores again.

OSWIN. If Mitchell wants to help the Spore Remnants, then I'll help the Spore Remnants.

ADAM. What? No, I don't want-

OSWIN. He'll be there to make sure everything stays above board. By which I mean not weapons. Besides, my brother does live there.

FLEK. You're going to reconcile with him, then?

OSWIN. …Maybe. I'll talk to Fyn about it.

FLEK. I think Fyn dislikes him more than you do.

OSWIN. Then it's settled, me and Mitchell will both come and help, because you asked so nicely. And I'll find you a girlfriend. Honestly, you'll thank me. And in return you will let us take you to Earth before it turned into a polluted cesspool, alright? Adam has this gorgeous house right on the seafront in England. Not that I like the sea, but you might.

ADAM. You've never cared much about Earth before.

OSWIN. It's nicer than Horizon. And I do like your fancy mansion.

FLEK. Well, maybe a trip to Earth would be nice. One day. But, um, is there anything for dessert?