DAY 160

She Must Be Out of Her Mind

Adam

"And I remember exactly what your daddy's first word was, you know, even though I was only nine. But I was the best nine-year-old babysitter any family could ask for, and your oldest uncle – well. I doubt he's ever changed the nappy of any of his own kids, let alone a sibling. But do you want to know what he said? He said 'baby,' because we're a very self-aware family, and me and Fynny were right there. He was a whole year old though, so he's nowhere near as clever as you, and being clever also runs in the family." The baby giggled as Oswin fed him tiny morsels of baby-food, slimy, brightly-coloured paste. Future baby food was much more exciting than Twenty-First Century baby food, Adam Mitchell thought, which all looked like mashed up vegetables going by what he remembered from when Ellie was a baby fifteen years ago. The baby made a meaningless sound. "I know!" Oswin exclaimed like she understood him, "I think this synthetic goo looks tasty as well. I'd be eating eat if I was physically capable of eating. In fact, I grew up eating loads of goo-like stuff because I've always been terrible at cooking, I'm sure your dad remembers plenty about that."

"Speaking of things you're sure about," Adam interrupted this one-sided exchange, "Why do we have to have matching outfits to this wedding?"

"Because we're adorable, babe," she said, beaming, continuing to look at the baby and talk in her baby-voice while she talked to him.

"It's a wedding, not a prom," he said. He was sat at the table in Nerve Centre looking at the most expensive suits he could find on his phone. "Anyway, aren't you wearing black, like always? Because you're morbid?"

"No, Rose won't let me. I thought I'd wear red."

"But I don't look good in red, that's why I was going to get a blue suit."

"Yeah, but I don't look good in blue. Well, obviously I look good all the time, but I look best in red."

"Which is why I don't see the point of colour-coordinating for somebody else's wedding," Adam sighed, still scrolling down the website at various blue suits. He was sure he couldn't pull off red, not even a dark red. Blue was the safest bet. Or grey. "What about grey?"

"Hmm…" Oswin thought, "See, I think you'd look totally hot in grey," she still appeared to be addressing the infant as she talked, "but I can't exactly wear grey to a wedding. She told me off for suggesting black, so I don't think she'll let me go with grey."

"I think you're making it more complicated than it needs to be," Nios, the only other person in the room, interjected. Adam kept forgetting she was there despite her position sitting right at Oswin's side, while he was stuck with the baby between them, because she was attached to her phone, texting. Every so often she asked Oswin for help with what to say, and Oswin almost always told her she had to work it out for herself, unless Nios begged her especially well. Most of Oswin's attention was on the baby.

"I don't think you're one to talk about making things more complicated than they need to be," Oswin quipped, feeding the baby another spoon of goo, "Do you have a girlfriend yet?" Nios glared at her, a glare which struck fear into the heart of Adam Mitchell and made him worry dearly on behalf of his own girlfriend.

"What do you think of this message?" Nios held out her phone to Oswin, who was getting annoyed at Nios's constant uncertainties with her own texts.

"Tell her you want her to sit on your face."

"No!" Nios exclaimed, horrified, stealing her phone away so that Oswin could no longer see it. Oswin rolled her eyes. "I can't believe you'd say that in front of the baby."

"It's fine. You don't know what I'm talking about, do you, cutie?" she asked the baby with a wide smile, and he giggled in response. "No, because you don't have a dirty mind, because you're a little angel, aren't you?" He continued to laugh and wave his arms happily, but in the process he knocked the jar of baby food out of Oswin's hands and it splattered across the tray at the front of the high chair. Oswin stared at the mess for a moment. "Wow! He's going to be an artist. I can see it already. Beautiful. Abstract. What do you think, babe?"

Adam peered over the baby's head to see the shapeless, green mess on the plastic tray. "I think genius of all kinds runs in your family, clearly. It speaks to me." Oswin smiled at him warmly, seemingly getting distracted from what the baby was doing for just a moment, until she realised he had started to push the food around the tray with his hands.

"No, no, no," she said, stopping him, then she asked Adam, "Could you hand me those wet wipes?" He put down his phone and handed her the wet wipes, which rested in a large bag on the table filled with necessary baby supplies from Oswin's sister-in-law, Juliet (seemingly the only person in Oswin's family who had an ordinary name.) "Now I'm very sorry to have to get rid of your wonderful expressionist artwork, but unfortunately I think this might be a bit too radical for the art world to really comprehend at the moment."

"Why do you talk to it like it understands you?" Nios questioned sceptically. She was highly suspicious of the baby, and Adam thought she most likely wouldn't be there at all if she wasn't vying for Oswin's constant approval of her correspondence with Dr Cohen.

"First of all, Ni, he's a he. How would you like if we called you 'it'?" she challenged, "And second of all, because it's good for language development. You have to talk to babies constantly to help them learn and make sure they don't feel lonely. You don't want to be lonely, do you?" she returned to cooing at the baby as she wiped the plastic down.

"Oh my god!" Nios exclaimed suddenly while Adam had still been perusing suits online. He looked up and saw her grab Oswin's arm, making Oswin jump. "She said do I want to come over."

"Do you want to cum over her, did you say?" Oswin asked faux-innocently, pretending she had misheard.

"To her flat," Nios reiterated, either ignoring Oswin's comment completely or just genuinely not hearing it over her excitement. "What should I say? What do you think it means?"

"It means she fancies you, idiot," Oswin shook her head.

"No, but…" Nios stopped talking, looking at Oswin like she was willing her to understand the inner-workings of her mind. But Adam thought Oswin hardly understood her own mind, let alone Nios's, and besides – she was distracted wiping the baby's hands clean and then lifting him out of the high chair to hold him and bounce him.

"But what?" Oswin asked, distracted. Nios said nothing. Oswin looked at her, "What?"

"I don't think she'll try to sleep with you," Adam said, making a blind guess at what could be bothering Nios so deeply that she couldn't even vocalise it. By some miracle, he was right on the nose, that was plain to see by her expression. The conversation could not continue, however, because they were at that point interrupted by Mickey and Martha walking into Nerve Centre having a hushed conversation.

When they saw they had company, they stopped, and when they saw that the company included an infant who – despite Oswin getting all of her appearance from Clara – eerily bore his aunt's large, brown eyes, they stared. Nios went back to paying attention to her phone, while Oswin and Adam were mutually perplexed by Mickey and Martha's reaction.

"Is that a baby?" Martha asked in shock.

"A baby!?" Oswin exclaimed, "Where!?" Martha glared at her.

"Where did you get that!? Whose is it?"

Oswin sighed, then addressed the baby in her arms, "Are you going to introduce yourself, or shall I?" The baby laughed and tried to play with Oswin's hair, which she was indifferent to. Adam kept suggesting she cut it, but it didn't bother her particularly. "Nalyt, this is Mickey and Martha, say hello," she lifted one of his hands and made him do a tiny wave while he babbled nonsensically, "And Mickey and Martha, this is Nalyt, my nephew, he's an incredible eight months old. I'm babysitting for Reker, my second-youngest brother. He's all grown up now, isn't he?" she added to Nalyt.

"…Don't take this the wrong way," Martha began, "But-"

"Why would they let me, a lunatic, babysit?" Oswin finished her sentence for her. Martha crossed her arms self-consciously.

"I wouldn't have put it that harshly."

"Basically, I'm a last resort," Oswin shrugged, "Well, sort of. They used to have Fyn do it but now Fyn's moved to Venus it's impossible. So, Fyn's on Venus, Reker's dad was busy, my youngest brother Jatt is, like, sixteen, Reker hates my oldest brother Dret, and Zalur lives with the Spore Remnants on Eslilia. But Fyn actually recommended me, he was like, 'why don't you ask Oswin to babysit?' and luckily Reker has fond memories of me since I was a better mother to him than our actual mother. Besides, I'm obliged to give them half-hourly updates – they're watching a play their twin girls are in. Who are named after me, by the way, because not all of my relatives hate me."

"Hey," Adam changed the subject and addressed Mickey and Martha, who were unusually enthralled by the baby, "Are you two wearing matching outfits to Rose's wedding?"

"What?" Mickey almost laughed, "No, mate."

"Yeah, that would be a bit weird."

"You see!?" he exclaimed triumphantly to Oswin, "I told you."

"Okay, fine, I give in, have it your way, I guess we just won't win the award for best-dressed couple."

"I don't think there are gonna be any awards," Mickey said.

"A girl can dream," Oswin snapped at him. "I'm wearing dark red, then. Clara's wearing lavender or something, I don't want to match her. We're matching enough already."

"What colour should I wear?" Nios asked her.

"I thought you conscious synths are supposed to be able to think for yourselves?" Oswin quipped. Nios glared at her, but did not respond. Adam thought that if anybody else dared talk to Nios like that she certainly wouldn't let it go. "I don't know, honey. Wear blue to match your sexy eyes. Maybe you should match outfits with Mitchell."

"Mitchell doesn't want to match outfits with anybody," Adam muttered, though he was looking at blue suits again.

"Why don't you ask Dr Death what colour she thinks you'd look bangable wearing? And you have to say, 'would I look bangable', because then you've got her thinking about banging you," Oswin said. Adam knew that normally she would use a much more crass word than 'bang', but she was self-censoring in the presence of the baby. A baby repeating the word 'bang' wouldn't really raise any alarm bells.

"Who's 'Dr Death'?" Mickey asked as he went to make some tea. Oswin raised her eyebrows at Nios, waiting to see if she would actually answer.

"Nobody," she mumbled. Oswin shook her head.

"She's just shy and embarrassed about her feelings," Oswin told the baby, "I bet you wouldn't be too nervous to tell a girl how you feel about her, would you?" The baby laughed.

"I did tell her!" Nios protested.

"Then where's your second date?" Oswin questioned, "You've got to pull your finger out, and then you've got to stick your finger in-" Undoubtedly, she had been about to say something vile an incredibly personal about Cohen, but did not manage to finish her thought (luckily), because without warning the baby broke into spontaneous tears, as was their habit. "Oh no," she was instantly absorbed in her nephew, "What's all this now?" she cooed. It didn't take more than a few seconds for Adam to realise why he was crying.

"I think he's done a poo," Adam said, "I can smell it."

"Oh, really?" Oswin actually smiled and lifted the crying baby, "Your mummy will be so proud of you!" then she added offside to Mickey, Martha and Nios, solely because they were in that direction, "He's apparently been having trouble going recently and it's got them worried. Who wants to help me take him to the medibay to change him? Since I can't walk and carry a baby and the bag full of baby stuff Juliet gave me."

"We'll do it," Martha volunteered immediately, hardly waiting for Oswin to finish her sentence and motioning between herself and Mickey. Adam had never seen anybody so excited to change a baby's nappy before. He himself wasn't averse to it, but didn't want to make the baby too cold by lurking near him; his cryokinesis got more and more extreme as time went on.

"Both of you?" Oswin frowned.

"Yeah," Mickey nodded. He, too, was bizarrely enthusiastic. Adam watched them carefully, even Nios intrigued by their unusual demeanours. Still holding the crying child, Oswin then broke into a manic grin.

"I get it now," she announced, looking between Mickey and Martha.

"Get what?" Martha seemed alarmed. So did Mickey.

"You know what," Oswin boasted smugly, and going by their reactions it seemed like she certainly did. "It all makes sense... I have a message for you, from the Doctor. From Thirteen."

"Babe," Adam interjected, "Are you sure this is-" She only needed to look at him to make him stop talking, and Martha leant desperately close to Oswin (Nios uncomfortably in the middle trying to lean back to get out of the way).

"What message?" Martha hissed. She, too, looked manic, but in a different way to Oswin, who was unquestionably excited.

"She left us a note, with instructions about the future. Most of it's come true already. It's how I knew the Time Lords only had the flu."

"What did it say?" Martha persisted.

"You have to promise never to say anything about this to Clara, or Eleven, or Jenny, or anyone who'd tell them. If I can keep a secret from Clara and Jenny, I'm sure you can. They can never know this message exists. And the same for you, metal mouth," she told Nios, "Not a word."

"Okay, whatever," Nios was indifferent.

"Yes, we promise," Martha said, in agony as Oswin kept her waiting, "What did Thirteen tell you?"

"She told me to tell you she promises everything will be okay, and you don't need to worry about anything at all, and that I'd know when you need to hear that," Oswin said, "That's all. She's very cryptic."

"She promises?" Martha asked, all of a sudden close to tears.

"She underlined it a bunch of times, so yeah," Oswin shrugged, then repeated in a crude copy of the Doctor's accent, "Tell Martha everything will be fine, more than fine, amazing. Now, which one of you wants to carry the poopy baby? I'd rather have it be the person who doesn't shoot fireballs out of their hands." Mickey, though he was uncertain about what to do with a baby, lifted stinky Nalyt very awkwardly as he stood up. Oswin picked up her cane and Adam passed Martha the bag of baby supplies, then watched them disappear into the medibay with the kittens.

"What was all that about?" Nios asked him as soon as the door had closed completely.

"Honestly, I don't know," he said.

"Well all the clues must be available if she knows what's going on."

"Oswin's a genius," he reminded her. She looked at him with a deadpan expression.

"You're a genius."

"I'm just some computer nerd, I'm not good with people. Wait, though… you don't think…"

"Think what?"

Adam came and took Oswin's seat next to Nios and lowered his voice, "What if she's, I don't know, ill?"

"Ill?"

"She's been acting weird, and then getting so strange around a baby? What if she has, like, cancer?"

"…Why would seeing a baby upset her if she has cancer?"

"Because humans are like that, if they see something young they think about, like, the inevitability of their own mortality and how they're never going to be young again. You're synthetic, so you don't understand how pervasive the fear of death is," Adam explained. Nios still had her phone held tightly in her hand as though she would attack anyone who went near it, but at this remark she made a frown.

"Are you sure this isn't just you?"

"Don't you read loads of philosophy books?"

"I wouldn't say loads… do you have any book recommendations?" He was taken aback.

"Me? No. I don't read books. Ask Clara, you know she's an English teacher."

"I forgot about that… do you really think she has cancer?"

"I don't think Clara has cancer." She glared at him, which he found very frightening. "Oh – sorry, I wasn't… it was a mistake." She frowned again, like she didn't understand him. He felt like a specimen in a test tube.

Luckily, Adam was saved from further scrutiny by the Ninth Doctor entering and bellowing the latter half of an announcement he had begun to make before leaving the console room. Initially Adam assumed he was talking to somebody else, presumably River, the only person he ever talked to, but this wasn't true. He was on his own, shouting something, and looked thoroughly disappointed when he saw it was only Adam and Nios in Nerve Centre. Even the excitement of the baby had been lost.

"Oh," he said, deflating. "I was hoping for a better crowd. No offence. Well, some offence. Is there no one else here?"

"Oswin, Mickey and Martha are in the medibay with a baby," said Adam.

"A baby!? On my TARDIS? Where did it come from? It's not lost, is it? You know, stray babies find their way onto this ship more often than you'd think."

"It's Oswin's nephew, she's babysitting for a few hours today. They're changing his nappy."

"Really? Why aren't you helping? She's your girlfriend, not Mickey and Martha's." Adam thought that Oswin would love to be Mickey and Martha's girlfriend, she would jump at the opportunity. Figuratively speaking. Obviously Oswin couldn't jump.

"They volunteered. Very quickly. And I don't think it's a good idea for me to pick up the baby, I'll get nervous that I might freeze it by accident, and being nervous will make me more likely to freeze it by accident."

"You're freezing your phone case right now," Nios pointed out. He was, there was a fine coating of frost forming around its edges. He put the phone back in his pocket and crossed his arms tightly.

"…I'm nervous."

"About what?"

"I feel like I'm being interrogated."

"Were you always like this?" Nine asked, squinting at Adam Mitchell like he was a puzzle. "What was it about you that made Rose so keen?"

"Rose?" Nios looked between Adam and the Doctor.

"She fancied him," said Nine. Nios couldn't believe it.

"Why is that so shocking?" he questioned, growing incredibly self-conscious and fidgeting, "Pretty girls like me." He did not sound convincing. "Oswin likes me." Oswin was definitely pretty. "Anyway, what – what did you want?"

"See what the pickings were like in here. I've stumbled across some interesting information to do with a space colony. Mysterious deaths, incurable plague, that sort of thing. You don't know where Jack is, do you?"

"With Ianto, probably," said Adam. "Why don't you just take River out with you?"

"Mmm, well," he muttered, as though that were some kind of explanation. By this point, Nios was looking through her phone again. "Where's Rose?"

"Wedding planning. The wedding is in three days."

"What about Donna?"

"Out," said Nios, "I saw her leave."

"So, what? I'm stuck with you two? It really is slim pickings." As the Doctor spoke, the medibay doors opened and Adam glanced up to see Oswin come limping back through, with Mickey holding the baby and Martha holding the bag of supplies. They seemed happier, somehow.

"Slim pickings out of my favourite two people in the world?" Oswin challenged, returning to her seat next to Nios and then glancing to Mickey to implore him to return the baby to her possession. Mickey, however, seemed quite enthralled by Nalyt, staring at him and his big, bright eyes. Oswin cleared her throat. "He's my nephew."

"…Right," Mickey carefully handed Oswin back the baby, who burped in the process. This made Oswin beam.

"That was a good one!" she praised him, "Better out than in." She rubbed his back gently and resumed bouncing him like she had been earlier. Martha, watching, set the bag down on the table.

"I thought Jenny was your favourite person in the world? Or Clara?" Nios asked, putting her phone down now that Oswin had returned to their midst. Nine crossed his arms and observed, focusing mainly on Nios, whom he still seemed to find a bit of an enigma. Most of them did, even Adam found himself fascinated when he was around her that she was a machine – though, then again, Oswin was technically a 'machine.' He realised he was staring at her, which she noticed.

"What?" she asked him, smiling.

"Nothing, I just… forgot you were a hologram for a minute, that's all." She frowned at him slightly but didn't question him further; he got the inkling she was going to bring this up again later.

"Oswin," Nios implored.

"Sorry, cutie-pie," Oswin glanced at her, "Jenny would be my favourite person if she hadn't ditched me for that floozy vampire. And as for Clary, well, I love her deeply, but contrary to popular belief I do not fancy her. You and Mitchell, on the other hand?" She wolf-whistled. "One-hundred percent fanciable material, don't you agree?" This question she addressed to the baby. "You definitely agree, don't you, little man? Marth, can you pass me a tissue, he's dribbling." Martha did exactly this.

"So none of you are interested in what I've found?" Nine looked around at them all, "You're all just obsessed with this baby?"

"Babies make me uncomfortable," Nios said, looking suspiciously at Nalyt.

"There you are, take Ni out for the day. She's due a day out, take her mind off all the pining," Oswin said. Nios shot her a glare. "What is it you have?"

"Space colony. The year 200200. Something about a spate of unexplained prosthetics-related deaths."

"Unexplained prosthetics-related deaths? Wow, I'm cumming already," said Oswin.

"The baby," Martha hissed at her.

"It's fine, it's a homophone for a completely innocuous word – you think I wouldn't watch what I'm saying around an impressionable infant? I'm not risking him repeating anything risqué to his mother so that I won't be able to babysit again," Oswin said.

"Here I thought you couldn't help being so disgusting," Nine commented.

"It's an enormous façade," Nios said dryly, looking at her phone again. Keeping hold of the baby with one arm, Oswin snatched the phone with the other. "Hey!" Nios grabbed for it, but Oswin held it away from her and she clearly didn't want to agitate the baby, so she didn't lunge to get it back.

"Tell her that you want to see her flat, stupid," Oswin told her, handing the phone back. Nios then put her phone away so that Oswin couldn't get at it again. She turned back to the Doctor. "Take Mitchell out."

"Mitchell doesn't want to go out," Adam interrupted, "He wants to stay in because he's in the middle of a competition with Esther to do with headshot challenges. She's got twenty-two more headshots."

"Let her win!" Oswin exclaimed, "She deserves to win, she's adorable."

"Depends if he's going to try and steal advanced technology again."

Adam laughed very uneasily, "I wouldn't do that…"

"Go on, take him out," she implored Nine, "He doesn't want to hang around with a baby all day. And he won't steal anything. You won't steal anything, will you, Mitchell?"

"What if there's a really cool prosthetic leg you might like?" he questioned her.

"Do you doubt my ex-girlfriend's ability to make cool prosthetic legs?" she raised her eyebrows, "And considering these deaths are apparently related to prosthesis… Nios will make sure Adam doesn't steal anything. Take both of them. I think they should bond. Ooh, even better – take Sprite. You'll look after Sprite, won't you, Ni? I want to see how he behaves without me around, how willing he is to trust other people. Who better to test it than my favourite paranoid android?"

"Seriously?" Nine looked between Adam and Nios like someone had just spat in his food. Then he looked at Mickey and Martha. "Are you sure you two are busy today?"

"Yeah," said Mickey resolutely.

"Let them tag along," Oswin implored, "Buy them an ice cream, or something."

"Ice cream?" Adam questioned her.

"Yes, teddy-bear, go have a delicious ice cream." He was horrified that she had just called him 'teddy-bear' – which he still disliked – in the presence of other people. He went a fierce shade of red while everybody else asked if she had really just called him that, while Oswin was indifferent to the terrible embarrassment she had just inflicted.

"Oh my god!" he complained, "Okay, I'll go, I'm not putting up with this." He stood indignantly. Nios wasn't as hard a sell, because she just didn't want to be around the baby, so when Adam left to follow the Ninth Doctor (who muttered 'teddy-bear' under his breath and scoffed) she also stood.

"That's nice, baby. You two have a good day now! Don't catch any plagues! Remember to take Sprite! I love you both so much!" Oswin called after them as the doors to the console room closed firmly.