DAY 161

Whodunnit?

Rose

"You have got to pay attention to this," she implored the Tenth Doctor, "It's important. It's not rubbish with napkins or what the ratio of champagne to buck's fizz – this is the seating plan. We don't want people falling out about it because they're sat next to someone they don't like, or they aren't sat next to someone they do like."

"But Rose, this is our last day together," he said, "Before, you know. The chaos."

"It's not our 'last day', we're getting married, and then… I don't know, it'll probably be basically the same as it is now, to be honest. We already live together. The seating plan is important, Doctor," she told him. They were in their bedroom sitting on the bed eating bacon sandwiches. Rose's was absolutely drenched in ketchup and she'd already got more than a few stains on the sheets but couldn't say she really cared. Not when in just over forty-eight hours she was tying the knot at a wedding she had had less than a month to plan. She took another huge bite of bacon.

"Fine," Ten relented with his mouth full. On her lap she had a sheet of paper with a crude drawing of the table layout, which she had badly tried to cram all the seats onto so she could write around them.

"Top table first," Rose began, "There's me and you in the middle, obviously, then mum next to me, then Jack next to mum, and Donna next to you. Which means one more seat on Donna's other side potentially, if we think of someone we want there."

"…Mickey?" he suggested.

"No, can't have Mickey, he'll want to be next to Martha."

"The Ninth – no, actually, definitely not him… You know, I really don't mind having one less person than you up there. Unless…"

"What?"

"Maybe Jenny would…"

"Uh…"

"What?"

"I don't think, erm…"

"She's my daughter…"

"Yeah, but…" The Doctor didn't know about Rose's discreet deal she had made with Jenny where Jenny would bake the cake and not kick up any kind of fuss in exchange for a very nice sword (also called Jenny.) He thought she was baking the cake out of the goodness of her hearts. "I just… she won't want to be up there. You know, with Jack." She didn't think Jenny would actually care about being seated on the same table as Jack, not when there were four people between them, but hoped Ten would believe that lie. "And, you know, she asked me for a plus one, to bring Other Clara-"

"But she's a vampire, she can't do a wedding."

"It's not a religious wedding, and I said she can miss the ceremony," Rose explained, "Jenny won't sit on the top table. What about Martha?"

"But you just said Mickey and Martha will both want to be together. Unless you want them both on the table?" Rose paused and thought, and though she would love to drag Martha up there and have her around – to try and clinch the godmother-deal with her incoming bundle of joy – she knew that Martha probably wouldn't want that. "Is your dad not going up there? Father of the bride? Is he making a speech?"

"Bloody hell! Forgot about dad… Right, I'll ring him in a bit, ask him if he minds sitting on your side next to the best man just to, like, balance everything out. I can't have three people next to me and then just the one next to you."

"Unless you got both Mickey and Martha next to Donna."

"No. No. I'll ring dad, he'll probably be alright, and if not… maybe Jack could go next to Donna instead of next to me? And then mum and dad on my side?" Ten shrugged.

"Could work."

"I'll ring and see what they think… right, anyway, other tables. Small tables, only six people on a table, who are we having?"

"I suppose… Mickey and Martha, like you said, and… is Francine coming?"

"No," said Rose, "You know that. Because we're trying to keep it sort-of small. Why would we invite Martha's extended family?"

"Well, I don't know. She might want to come. So Mickey and Martha, and then who?"

"Uh… Nine and River and then Amy and Rory. That works, that's six. So then elsewhere we've got Eleven and Clara, then Oswin and Adam Mitchell. The issue is, do you think Jenny will want to sit with them?"

"And where's Ianto going to sit?"

"Well, Gwen and Rhys are invited."

"Why are Gwen and Rhys invited and Francine isn't?"

"Why are you so desperate to have Martha's mum at our wedding? I thought she doesn't even like you that much? Since Martha's involvement with you is what got them all, I don't know, enslaved for a year, or whatever?" He didn't have much of a response for this and Rose just rolled her eyes and went back to her bacon sandwich again. "Look, do we put Jenny and Other Clara on that table or do we put them somewhere else? Like… with Sally and Esther?"

"Are they coming?"

"Yes, Sally's doing the photos."

"Is she? Are we paying her?"

"Yes, we're paying her. She's a photographer, you know. She needs a seat even if she's up taking pictures, we can't be starving her," Rose continued, "So Sally's sat next to Esther, then who do we want with them?"

"Why don't you put them with Gwen, Rhys and Ianto?"

"Hmm… Esther knows Gwen, doesn't she? Through Torchwood? So, yeah, that makes sense… that leaves one seat spare. Now, the issue is, Christina de Souza – who I'd rather wasn't there at all-"

"She saved my life!"

"Yeah, okay, she's New Torchwood and she's apparently bringing James Elliott as her plus one, she told me. But because you and Donna told me that James Elliott has, like, something going on with Sally, do we have them on the same table or not? It'd mean splitting him up from Christina which we can't really do if he's her guest."

"We haven't even resolved where Jenny's going yet."

"Right. Clara, Eleven, Adam, Oswin-"

"Nios," Ten said, "She can go with them."

"And then we've got two tables both with one empty seat and a bunch of bloody couples…"

"Hang on, are Gwen and Rhys bringing the baby?"

"Are…? Urgh, I don't know… okay, so I'm ringing dad, and I'll get Jack or Ianto to ring Gwen and ask about the baby. Meanwhile… you know what? Eleven will want to sit next to Jenny and Clara basically fancies herself anyway, so they can sit there and just, you know, deal with it. Now, I'll tell you what I don't know, is Elton bringing Ursula?" Ten looked at her blankly. "Because, you know. She's a big bit of concrete. Does she need a chair?"

"I… wouldn't she need a high chair? Like the baby?"

"God, this is a nightmare, I don't even know what the numbers are!" she complained, "He's definitely coming, so if he does want to carry a bit of concrete around with him all day, that's his problem. We can always just shuffle the chairs around. Gwen and Rhys might not even bring the baby."

"I don't think she is a baby anymore, isn't she three?" Ten questioned.

"Oh, maybe… they probably won't bring her. They're trying to keep her away from, you know, alien stuff," Rose said, then thought, "…I'm still gonna ring."

"Well, what about Tony? He's six, isn't he?"

"Seven. And he's not coming, mum said he's confused about why I'm apparently marrying the same person again and making such a show of it. Besides, he was ring-bearer at the last one and he hated it, wouldn't behave at all," Rose sighed, "Best if we just say, you know, no kids. So what if there's no ring-bearer or flower girl? We'll be fine. Now, then-"

"Wilf!" Ten exclaimed suddenly.

"Who?"

"Donna's grandad."

"Oh. Right, so, Donna's on the top table, right? Which means Shaun isn't. So Shaun can sit next to Wilf, then?"

"And Sylvia, I invited her."

"Who's that?"

"Donna's mum."

"Why are you inviting everybody's mums!?" she exclaimed.

"Mums love weddings!"

"Look, just… Nios has lost her seat now, shit. Well, she'll just, have to sort of go over with Undercoll," Rose said. She knew, thanks to the time vortex, both that Nios had a thing going with one of Undercoll, but also that that girl didn't want to come to the wedding (which was fair enough, after all, she'd never met Ten or Rose.) "Donna's family are alright, aren't they? Do you think she'll freak them out? Shouldn't we keep her, like, with Oswin? Urgh – I shouldn't have let Jenny bring Ravenwood, if Ravenwood wasn't coming we could just have Nios on that table."

"Move Elton away from sitting next to Sally and have Nios go there and him with Donna's lot. Elton doesn't know anybody anyway."

"Nios thinks Sally's an arsehole, though."

"Everyone thinks that," Ten reminded her.

"Good point… okay. Elton can be next to Shaun, Nios is next to Sally and Ianto. And Sally'll be taking pictures anyway, like I said, so… now, what about Sarah-Jane's-"

A klaxon sounded in the hallway. It made them both drop their sandwiches and clamp their hands over their ears, wincing, as the noise grew and grew and grew until finally becoming what Rose recognised as an air raid siren. In the hallway. They both scrambled to the door, Ten nearly knocking Rose over in his rush to grab the handle first. What horror could await them now, she thought? The last time noise like that had been coming from the corridor had been when ELLE had tricked them all and tried to take over the TARDIS.

They wrenched the door open and were greeted with cheering and clapping and the abrupt end of the dreadful siren. Jack and Donna stood there, Donna holding a wireless speaker and a phone, applauding Ten and Rose and grinning. Nobody else had left their rooms despite the enormous racket.

"What's going on?" Rose asked, "We're busy."

"You sure are," said Jack, "You two are getting married the day after tomorrow, but do you know what today is?" Neither of them said anything, both at a loss.

"IT'S YOUR STAG AND HEN PARTY!" Jack and Donna shouted together, resuming their cheering. Rose put her fingers to her temples.

"I don't believe this… it's ten in the morning. That's way too early to start drinking. And I'm already meant to be spending tomorrow getting a manicure, along with both of you," she indicated Jack and Donna.

"Oh, don't worry, there's no alcohol," Donna said. If there was one thing worse than being dragged out for a hen party without any warning, it was being dragged out for a hen party without any warning or booze.

"Sorry, how can you have a hen without alcohol? The entire point is to get as drunk as physically possible. You know, like on Christmas, or birthdays," Rose said.

"Because you need to have your wits about you," said Jack.

"And because at least half of the people who live here can't even drink," Donna added, "We wanted to do something that included everybody."

"There's been a murder," Jack began, growing very theatrical and pulling out of his trouser pocket an old-fashioned pipe and a scrunched-up deerstalker hat, which he promptly put on, "A devastating crime. The Lady Elise Wellington has been struck down in her own mansion by a devilish fiend – and it's up to you two and catch the culprit."

The Tenth Doctor beamed, "This is brilliant!"

Rose glowered, "You have got to be kidding me. Who the hell is Elise Wellington?"

"The murder victim! And you're the detectives, we're just the lowly stable-hands, or something, sent here to fetch you for your expertise," Jack continued.

"Hopefully you'll be able to deduce who the killer is," Donna said, "Gather all the clues, interview all the suspects, get to the bottom of things. Come on, everyone's involved. They're already in costume."

"Costume?" Rose asked, not happy about this at all. Maybe she could be the trademark hardboiled detective who won't admit to having a severe drinking problem – all she needed for that was to get her hands on some whiskey…

"You two don't need a costume, don't worry," Donna assured them, "Although, you should get dressed, you've got ketchup on you."

"We're trying to to do the bloody seating plan, for god's sake…" she muttered.

"Come on, Rose! Murder mystery party! Sounds fun!" the Doctor grinned, "Everyone's playing! This is gonna be great. Here I thought I was going to get forced to go out to a bar and drink myself silly."

"I wish I was getting forced to go out to a bar and drink…" Rose grumbled.

"Don't be like that, it'll be great," Jack said, "I promise. It's hilarious. Wait til you see the costumes. Everyone chose their characters at random, see – just wait. And Donna and I wrote the whole thing! So we know it's good."

"Now hurry up, get dressed, before the body gets cold. And before Clara gets carpet burn on her face from having to lie on the floor."

"Hang on, Clara's the murder victim?" Rose asked. They nodded. "You should have started with that!"

"Well, get going!" Donna implored.

And then Jack announced theatrically, "The game, my friends, is on!"

AN: So, I was originally going to do a complicated scavenger hunt (and before that another prank war), but neither of those ideas were really working, and two nights ago I decided that a murder mystery would be very funny if they were all involved. So the next few chapters are doing to be more script-chapters because it makes it a lot easier with so many of them involved. In other news, for people who don't follow me as an author and may not have caught the last Author's Note update, the Clarteen side-fic "Retrograde" is now live. The first storyline of it, "Brighton Rock", is written in its entirety and will be uploaded on Saturdays (as in, later today) until it's done. The whole thing follows them working as teachers and the setting and period has been changed from an unnamed village in the late 2020s (which is where it's implied they live in earlier storylines of the the main fic) to Brighton in 2064. While the first storyline features only Clara and Thirteen as main characters, later storylines will feature Rose in a major role and will also be where Mickey & Martha's daughter Matilda will eventually return as a teenager - as well as various OCs who work with them in the school. It's also going to be where the fic Thirteen will meet the canon Thirteen in a crossover storyline I've been planning for ages, and where the story will continue (along with "Jenny Who?" and "Spook Watch") after the main fic wraps up (three storylines left, including the murder mystery.) Apologies for the long author's note, but I hope you enjoy the upcoming, zany Clue homage!