Whodunnit? II
[An area of the TARDIS has been modified to look like the well-furnished interior of an archetypical 20th Century mansion, complete with plush leather chairs and sofas, well-varnished mahogany furnishings, ugly maroon curtains and an antique rug. Through the windows a simulated night-time rainstorm is visible. In the centre of the room lies the corpse of LADY ELISE WELLINGTON (CLARA OSWALD), splayed out on the floor in full view. On the left is MADAME WOOWOO (OSWIN OSWALD), a well-known spiritualist dressed in many sequined fabrics and sitting in a wheelchair; nearest the body is LUCIENNE WELLINGTON-BLYTHE (IANTO JONES), step-daughter of the recently deceased LADY ELISE (CO) and biological daughter of the less-recently deceased Lord Albert Wellington II, dressed in an expensive dress and equally expensive furs; sitting side-by-side on a sofa are THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, ABRAHAM ROOSEVELT KENNEDY JR. (MARTHA JONES) dressed in a tailored, diplomatic suit, and his imposing, secret service bodyguard, BUTCH HARDCASTLE (AMY POND); finally, dressed in a revealing outfit made primarily of repurposed lingerie and strips of leather is the infamous Soviet assassin KG-BEAUTY (MICKEY SMITH), real name Jekaterina "Katja" Yanovich]
[Enter JACK, DONNA, ROSE and TEN]
ROSE. [Bursts out laughing] Oh my god! Mickey! You're-!? [She can barely contain herself. KG-BEAUTY (MS) is notably uncomfortable]
KG-BEAUTY (MS). Yeah, alright. Just wait until you see Rory.
ROSE. Why? What's Rory wearing? It can hardly be more embarrassing than this.
BUTCH (AP). Trust me. You want to wait until you see Rory.
TEN. [Loudly] So, then! What's going on here? A dead body? And one of you lot did it?
LUCIENNE (IJ). We don't know who killed my mother.
ROSE. [Alarmed] Your mother?
LUCIENNE (IJ). Step-mother.
WOOWOO (OO). Well, I'm a psychic, and I have it on the authority of the deceased that she actually came so hard she died.
ELISE (CO). [From the floor] Fuck off, Oswin.
JACK. Hey! You're supposed to be dead.
ELISE (CO). My dignity is dead.
ROSE. Your dignity's been dead for a long time, mate.
[ELISE (CO) turns her head and glares at ROSE, remaining on the floor]
TEN. [Really getting into it] A woman is dead! And someone in this room is responsible! We won't rest until we find whoever's responsible. Detective Sergeant Tyler and I haven't lost a case yet, not in our entire career.
[ROSE is glad he is enjoying himself]
DONNA. [Interrupts] Not necessarily. Someone in this room, I mean. I told you, everybody's taking part. Except me and Jack, because we know who did it. We're just here to make sure they all follow the rules. The rules like dead bodies can't talk.
ELISE (CO). Well I'm bored! It's not my fault I drew the short straw of being the victim and just have to lie here for however long this takes…
WOOWOO (OO). She can talk through me. I'm a spiritualist, I commune with the dead, it's my whole thing. Says so on the piece of paper you gave me an hour ago and told me to memorise. Right now, I can tell you that the ghost of Elise is thinking about porn.
ELISE (CO). Stop reading my mind.
WOOWOO (OO). [Laughs] I didn't even read it! You outed yourself! Pervert.
ROSE. Right, whatever. First thing's first. How did she die?
LUCIENNE (IJ). We don't know. We were all in the room, us and the butler, and all the lights went out. We heard a scream, a gunshot, a bang, and she was dead when the lights came back on.
BUTCH (AP). The lights have been iffy. Power cuts, from the storm outside; the house has bad wiring.
ROSE. Well… if you're psychic, [addresses WOOWOO (OO) directly] can't you talk to her and ask her who did it?
WOOWOO (OO). Oi, corpse-face. Who did you in?
ELISE (CO). No idea. It didn't say on my piece of paper. I, uh, I mean… it's very foggy. I can't recall.
TEN. [Looking around] Did you say butler? There's a butler?
ROSE. Butler probably did it.
LUCIENNE (IJ). He's making a tray of tea for us all.
ROSE. Or he could be, like, fleeing the scene of the crime!
LUCIENNE (IJ). [Doing a frankly masterful impersonation of a haughty, twenty-something, cold-hearted heiress] Shall I summon him with my little bell? [Indicates a bell on the table next to her]
BUTCH (AP). If I were you, I'd wait. Mainly because he actually is making tea and we're all going to need it to get through this ordeal. [BUTCH (AP) is wearing a black turtleneck, black blazer, black jeans, and sunglasses, like a nightclub bouncer, and feels like an idiot]
TEN. Just introduce yourselves then. Who are you all? Why are you here?
ROSE. And why is Mickey dressed like a prostitute?
KG-BEAUTY (MS). I'm not a prostitute, I'm a Russian assassin, called KG-Beauty. But my real name is Katja. It's short for… something I can't pronounce.
ROSE. Obviously the trained assassin killed her.
KG-BEAUTY (MS). Pfft. No I didn't. I'm here on other business. Business that doesn't involve… Elise.
TEN. What business?
KG-BEAUTY (MS). I couldn't possibly say.
JACK. [Whispers to ROSE] Psst. Ask her how she kills people.
ROSE. …How do you kill people?
KG-BEAUTY (MS). [Notably annoyed] I garrotte them. With my specially modified garters. After I seduce them. Which is exactly why I couldn't have killed her! I didn't seduce her in this room in front of all these witnesses.
ROSE. You could've done. Clara'll shag anything.
ELISE (CO). Oi!
WOOWOO (OO). Sorry, but she'd definitely cum so hard she died if a half-naked woman tried to garrotte her with a garter.
JACK. [Wistfully] Wouldn't we all?
ELISE (CO). Can we just stop making fun of me when here I've been tragically murdered? You shouldn't speak ill of the dead.
DONNA. Clearly, the dead are capable of speaking enough ill of themselves. Be quiet.
WOOWOO (OO). My point is that if Mickey tried to choke me I'd squirt everywhere.
[Unanimous groans from everyone in the room]
WOOWOO (OO). What!? Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. I know you get it, Mr President. [Winks at THE PRESIDENT (MJ), who glares back at her]
TEN. Hang on, president? What do you mean?
PRESIDENT (MJ). That's me. I'm Abraham Roosevelt Kennedy Jr., the President of the United States. This is my bodyguard, Butch Hardcastle. [Indicates BUTCH (AP), who grimaces]
ROSE. Your name is Butch Hardcastle?
BUTCH (AP). Yep, don't wear it out.
TEN. But wait, why would the President be in the same room as Soviet assassin?
BUTCH (AP). The president will be fine. I'm guarding her. Nobody's taking off their garters on my watch.
WOOWOO (OO). Do you often watch people take off their garters?
[On the floor, ELISE (CO) snickers]
TEN. So, we've got an assassin, the president, the president's bodyguard, the daughter of the deceased, and…? A psychic?
WOOWOO (OO). Renowned spiritualist. Think Ouija boards and crystal balls and sooth stones. I'm also of Greek descent, apparently, my name's supposed to be Agneta Siska. But, uh, seemed a bit dicey to try and do a Greek accent.
TEN. Why are you all here? In this house?
PRESIDENT (MJ). We just happened to be here. It's a coincidence.
KG-BEAUTY (MS). Yep. Coincidence. We all came into this room, realised the others were here, and that was when the lights went out.
DONNA. [Whispering] Maybe you should have a look around the room?
TEN. Why? Are there clues? [she nods] Brilliant! Clues! Come on, Rose. [Goes to search some of the drawers]
ELISE (CO). [While they search] Can I get, like, a cushion, or something? My neck's hurting.
WOOWOO (OO). You know why that is?
ELISE (CO). Why?
WOOWOO (OO). Because you need to perform more oral sex, that's why.
[BUTCH (AP) picks up a cushion and throws it at ELISE (CO) where it hits her on the head]
ELISE (CO). [Annoyed] Thanks. [Puts the cushion under her head and lies down again]
ROSE. Oh my god. [She has just opened a drawer and retrieved a photograph. She holds the photograph up high, squinting, facing towards the others so that nobody else in the room may see it] This is the weirdest thing I've ever seen. Is this porn?
ELISE (CO). Porn?
ROSE. Definitely looks like porn. Gay porn. Only with Martha and Amy's faces badly photoshopped onto it. [She shows it to the room. It is exactly that. ELISE (CO) sits up to get a good look at the photograph]
KG-BEAUTY. Here I've been trying to charge people millions of dollars to get their hands on that photo, and now you've found it for nothing.
ROSE. You what? This rubbish photoshop?
JACK. You have to imagine that it's not an edit I just threw together in ten minutes earlier, and that it's like, a genuine photo. Of the President and his bodyguard. Boning each other. Well, I guess the President's the one getting boned.
WOOWOO (OO). [To THE PRESIDENT (MJ) and BUTCH (AP)] Did you know about that?
BUTCH (AP). Fine! I admit it. We had a liaison.
PRESIDENT (MJ). But it only happened once!
BUTCH (AP). KG-Beauty has been blackmailing us for months. That's why we came here tonight, to try and put an end to it. The CIA found out that KG-Beauty was coming here tonight to meet with Lady Elise, and we came to try and get back the evidence so that she can finally be arrested for her crimes.
TEN. This just gets better by the minute! All these secrets! You two are having an affair, but you were already here [indicating KG-BEAUTY (MS)] – why's that? And that photo being hidden in the room instead of being kept on your person! It's intriguing…
[Noise in the corridor. Enter JOHN SMITH (NINTH DOCTOR), the butler, carrying a large tray of tea and wearing a tuxedo he is not happy about. ROSE wonders what JACK and DONNA said to get him to agree to this. He divvies out the mugs of tea. ELISE (CO) sits up to drink hers]
TEN. The butler!
ROSE. Did you know about this porn?
SMITH (9). [Looks up. Looks away from the photo immediately when he sees what it is] I've never seen that before. [To JACK] Did you do that?
JACK. In, like, ten minutes! What do you want me to do? Get them to pose for it? Borrow one of Jenny's strap-ons?
ROSE. Jenny has strap-ons?
JACK. A whole collection.
TEN. I don't want to know!
ELISE (CO). How much were you charging people to get a look at the picture, anyway? I'd totally cough up loads for a photo of Amy and Martha going at it with a strap-on.
[Silence in the room]
WOOWOO (OO). And people say I'm inappropriate…
SMITH (9). I've never seen the picture. It didn't say anything about that on my paper, so I've never seen it. I'm just the butler for this waste of space. [Indicates ELISE (CO)] What is that picture supposed to be?
ROSE. The, uh, KG-Beauty over there has been blackmailing the President and the President's bodyguard with this picture. And was here in the house for an unknown reason…
SMITH (9). [Looks directly at JACK] This is the stupidest thing I've ever been through.
TEN. If you're the butler, didn't you let them all in? What reason did they all give?
SMITH (9). They all said they had a pre-existing engagement with Lady Elise. And Lady Elise informed me earlier this evening to expect guests. Lucienne's the only one who's not a guest.
TEN. [To LUCIENNE (IJ)] Have you ever seen the assassin here before?
LUCIENNE (IJ). Never. But Elise is only my step-mother, and we've never been close. Not since my father died, seven years ago. That's Lord Albert Wellington II.
TEN. How did he die?
SMITH (9). I'm afraid that was never established.
TEN. So her husband died seven years ago of unknown causes? What else can you tell us about him?
LUCIENNE (IJ). My father was a scientist who belonged to a very prestigious family. Old money with a well-paying government job.
TEN. Who inherited the money?
LUCIENNE (IJ). Elise got every penny.
TEN. And in the event of her death? Who gets the fortune?
LUCIENNE (IJ). Me.
[Artificial thunder rumbles outside. The lights flicker and go out again, just for a second. Everyone freezes. When the lights come back on, a ghostly face is at the window. Everyone screams. A pale, white hand raps on the window outside. SMITH (9) goes to open the door. In staggers a BOY (JENNY YOUNG)]
BOY (JY). [To LUCIENNE (IJ)] You're wrong. I'm the rightful heir to the Wellington fortune!
LUCIENNE (IJ). Who are you!?
BOY (JY). I'm Albert Wellington III. A seven-year-old boy. Elise's only biological child under this roof and your half-brother. The money for her death belongs to me!
ELISE (CO). Wow. This is, like, crazy. There wasn't any of this stuff written on my character sheet. Is there any chance of getting some popcorn?
AN: It would be cool if you guys would leave reviews for "Retrograde" as I upload the new chapters! Thanks!