Whodunnit? III

[In the study. They are all in shock after the appearance of ALBERT WELLINGTON III (JENNY YOUNG), the seven-year-old male heir of the Wellington fortune LADY ELISE (CLARA OSWALD) previously inherited after the mysterious death of her husband Lord Albert Wellington II, a well-paid government scientist from a rich, bourgeois family, seven years earlier. It has been discovered that LUCIENNE WELLINGTON-BLYTHE (IANTO JONES), the daughter of Albert Wellington II and step-daughter of ELISE (CO) thought she was the rightful heir to the family fortune, but this is cast in doubt after ALBERT'S (JY) discovery.

[KG-BEAUTY (MICKEY SMITH), the Soviet assassin and seductress, has been blackmailing THE PRESIDENT (MARTHA JONES) and the president's bodyguard BUTCH HARDCASTLE (AMY POND) with a photo of them engaging in illicit, sexual activities, threatening to release the photos to the highest bidder. However, these photos were discovered in a drawer in ELISE'S (CO) study, where she was murdered. Also present is mysterious spiritualist MADAME WOOWOO (OSWIN OSWALD), whose presence has yet to be explained, and JOHN SMITH (NINTH DOCTOR), the butler]

ALBERT (JY). By the way, Jack, I heard what you said about the strap-ons from outside, and I do not have a 'collection,' I have three, and only one of them vibrates. And technically the third is strapless, so-

TEN. [Covers his ears with his hands] I don't need to hear this!

ELISE (CO) & WOOWOO (OO). [Together] I do.

ALBERT (JY). [Glares at them] You're lucky I'm a seven-year-old boy right now and I'm not allowed to punch you in the face.

WOOWOO (OO). You're about the same height as a seven-year-old boy. [ELISE (CO) laughs]

ALBERT (JY). Whose brilliant idea was it to let you two be in the same room for this?

ROSE. So, both of you have a motive to kill her for the inheritance, then? But – why have you been gone for seven years if you're her son?

ALBERT (JY). I was given away.

LUCIENNE (IJ). Father's will stated that his money should go to Elise second and his male heir first. I happened to be on a long holiday at a Swiss ski resort at the time, with the girls.

ROSE. [To ELISE (CO)] You sent away your only kid so that you could claim an inheritance!?

ELISE (CO). [Indignantly] I don't know! All that was written on my paper was my name and that I'm Lucienne's stepmother and I'm the murder victim. I'm hearing all this stuff for the first time. Maybe I can help solve my own murder from beyond the grave, or something.

TEN. Well, it does sort of look like she did exactly that. Got rid of the secret baby so that she could get her hands on the money. So, Lucienne could have killed Elise to get the money. Albert could also have killed Elise to get the money.

ALBERT (JY). I'm a seven-year-old boy.

TEN. Did you kill her?

ALBERT (JY). No.

ROSE. Yeah, but, everybody just says no. You can't just say 'did you kill her?' and have them say 'yes', because it would be over too quickly.

TEN. Hold on… how long have you been the butler here?

SMITH (9). Me? Twenty years.

TEN. So you were here when the father died?

SMITH (9). Yep.

TEN. And when she was pregnant?

SMITH (9). Nope. I was dismissed for a few months, given 'leave.' She's never given me leave before, I always thought it was something to do with the murder, didn't really notice that she'd been putting on weight for seven months…

[At the talk of pregnancy and putting on weight, THE PRESIDENT (MJ) shifts uncomfortably. The only ones who notice this are the ones looking for it when it comes to mention of a secret baby: JACK, ROSE, and KG-BEAUTY (MS)]

ELISE (CO). So, do you think I killed my husband, too? [Thoughtful] Maybe I ought to kill my actual husband…

WOOWOO (OO). What would you gain from that?

ELISE (CO). Peace and quiet.

DONNA. I'll show you peace and quiet in a minute.

ELISE (CO). Sounds hot – I'm excited.

[TEN goes back to searching the room]

WOOWOO (OO). You should show Jenny the porn, she hasn't had a chance to see it yet. Or, sorry, Albert Wellington III.

ALBERT (JY). What porn?

ELISE (CO). You can't go showing porn to seven-year-old boys, Oswin.

WOOWOO (OO). Why? Because you want it all to yourself? You'd love that.

[Ignoring the argument, ROSE shows ALBERT (JY) the poorly-edited, pornographic photo.]

ALBERT (JY). Wow. This is basically the worst thing I've ever seen in my life.

WOOWOO (OO). Jenny! [Stage-whispers, indicating THE PRESIDENT (MJ) and BUTCH (AP)] They're sitting right there!

TEN. [Exclaims] Ah-ha! [They all jump] A clue! [He triumphantly holds up a small, plastic pill bottle, still half-full of medication] It's a prescription!

PRESIDENT (MJ). What sort of prescription? Show it to me.

JACK. [Clears throat] Don't remember the president having any medical training.

PRESIDENT (MJ). I don't remember anybody saying the president doesn't have any medical training. [TEN brings THE PRESIDENT (MJ) the small bottle and shows it to him] These are intense antibiotics, says here they're prescribed in the treatment of STIs usually.

ROSE. Must be Clara's. She's got loads of STIs.

ELISE (CO). Barely. I've not even had half a dozen.

PRESIDENT (MJ). Most of us here haven't had any. But they are in your study, in your mansion, so they could be yours, Elise. The name on them has been covered up with a marker pen. [Hands the bottle back to TEN]

ROSE. Which STIs?

PRESIDENT (MJ). Bad ones. Late-stage gonorrhoea, some forms of syphilis – they're intense.

ROSE. Maybe she overdosed. On like, STI pills.

ELISE (CO). Then why would I only take half the bottle? If you were gonna kill yourself, you'd want to be sure.

DONNA. Yeah, otherwise the corpse might get up and start talking, and who wants to deal with that? [ELISE (CO) sticks her tongue out at DONNA]

ELISE (CO). You could have just used a dummy, or something.

WOOWOO (OO). Not much difference between you and a dummy.

BUTCH (AP). Dummy would be more interesting to talk to.

PRESIDENT (MJ). Look, Clara's right, nobody commits suicide by only taking half a bottle of random antibiotics. Obviously, they belong to somebody in the house. And they're not mine. The president's, I mean.

BUTCH (AP). So they can't be mine, either. Otherwise we'd both have it. Since we're shagging.

TEN. [To LUCIENNE (IJ)] What about you? You live here. Do you have any STIs?

LUCIENNE (IJ). Certainly not! If you suggest anything of the sort ever again, why, I'll – I'll kick you out.

[An enormous crash comes from elsewhere in the house. They all look towards the empty doorway]

ROSE. Are there more rooms than this one?

JACK. Oh, yeah. We've done a whole house. All-out for your joint stag-and-hen.

SMITH (9). Sounded like it came from the kitchen.

[They all proceed to get up to venture towards the kitchen. ELISE (CO) remains behind to help WOOWOO (OO) out of the room, taking the handles of her old-fashioned wheelchair and pushing it, trailing behind the others]

[In the kitchen. The cook, RICKY CYANIDE (RIVER SONG), is a hardened and grizzled ex-con. He has just dropped a metal pot on the floor, which caused the crash. The wooden door to the pantry in the corner is ajar. Enter JACK, DONNA, TEN, ROSE, THE PRESIDENT (MJ), BUTCH (AP), KG-BEAUTY (MS), SMITH (9), LUCIENNE (IJ), ALBERT (JY), and finally ELISE (CO) pushing WOOWOO (OO). CYANIDE (RS) is surprised to see ELISE (CO)]

CYANIDE (RS). Aren't you supposed to be dead?

ELISE (CO). Someone's got to push her chair. Just act like I'm not here.

DONNA. That's what we've all been trying to do…

LUCIENNE (IJ). [Berating CYANIDE (RS)] Unbelievable! This is the third time this week you've made this racket! Once more and you'll be thrown out and we'll get a new cook. Again.

TEN. So. You're the cook.

CYANIDE (RS). That's right. Ricky Cyanide's the name.

ROSE. Hang on, that's your name? And you're a cook? And your name is Ricky Cyanide?

CYANDIE (RS). Jack's the one who wrote this crap. Take it up with him. Yes, my name is Cyanide and I'm a cook. People let me cook their food.

[Noise in the hall. Enter CLAUDETTE ARCENEAUX (RORY WILLIAMS), the maid of the household, who is wearing an incredibly racy maid outfit. She is French and cannot speak a word of English, except for the phrase, "I only speak French". ROSE, again, cannot contain her laughter at this sight. CLAUDETTE (RW) looks incredibly uncomfortable. Discreetly, BUTCH (AP) takes out his phone and quickly snaps a photo]

CLAUDETTE (RW). You promised you wouldn't take any photos! [BUTCH (AP) laughs at her]

JACK. What was that you said?

SMITH (9). This is the maid, Claudette Arceneaux, she only speaks French.

CLAUDETTE (RW). [While glaring at JACK] I only speak French.

ROSE. What's your name?

CLAUDETTE (RW). Claudette Arceneaux.

ROSE. Did you say "arse"? "Arse-eneaux"?

CLAUDETTE (RW). It's spelt with a "C"!

ALBERT (JY). [Goes to CLAUDETTE (RW) and whispers something in her ear in French]

CLAUDETTE (RW). [Repeats, poorly, what ALBERT (JY) said]

ROSE. What did you say?

ALBERT (JY). She said she was just dusting the library when she heard all the noise and came running.

CLAUDETTE (RW). [Awkwardly] Oui.

TEN. [Scanning the room. Spots something on the large table in the centre of the room, near CYANIDE (RS)] What's that!?

CYANIDE (RS). [Panics] Nothing. [It is a bottle. CYANIDE (RS) tries to hide it]

LUCIENNE (IJ). Show the detectives the bottle. I order you, as your employer. [All the while, LUCIENNE (IJ) is fanning herself with an antique fan]

[Begrudgingly, CYANIDE (RS) hands over the bottle. A hand-written label on the side reads: "arsenic"]

TEN. Arsenic!

ROSE. Lots of "arses" at the moment.

LUCIENNE (IJ). You could have murdered her with this! You could have put it in the food!

SMITH (9). Just like the last time.

CYANIDE (RS). How dare you!

TEN. The last time? What do you mean, last time?

SMITH (9). Before tonight, we had a certain understanding. Elise has never even met any of the staff except for myself and Claudette, she doesn't know what our last ten cooks have looked like, or any of the gardeners. Including the gardener who was here seven years ago. On the night that Lord Albert Wellington was murdered. Who was none other than Ricky Cyanide! And who clearly committed this murder as well! With this very poison!

ROSE. [Gasps] Oh my god!

CYANIDE (RS). I did not such thing.

SMITH (9). He's been in prison since then, the last seven years. Arrested with a charge of attempted kidnapping of an infant. Seven years ago.

ALBERT (JY). That's me! I'm seven years old! You tried to kidnap me!?

CYANIDE (RS). I tried to rescue you from Elise. She didn't want you anyway, she was going to put arsenic in your baby milk and kill you! She reported you missing, but the police never found where I sent you and I went to prison for seven years.

SMITH (9). Where she worked in the kitchen.

CYANIDE (RS). Gaining relevant experience because I never wanted to be a gardener. I want to go to Paris, and become a real chef, in a restaurant.

SMITH (9). But you thought you'd come back here and finish the job you started seven years ago, when you really wanted to kill Elise for her mistreatment of the baby, when instead you killed Lord Albert!

CYANIDE (RS). I've never killed anybody, and certainly not Albert! They've never determined his cause of death, nobody knows whether it was poison or not. And besides, this arsenic isn't even mine. This arsenic was left here by Madame Woowoo! [points dramatically at WOOWOO (OO)]

WOOWOO (OO). I've never seen that bottle before in my life.

CYANIDE (RS). Neither have I.

SMITH (9). Nor I.

CLAUDETTE (RW). [Pauses, thinks] Uh… non. Non moi. Or something.

CYANIDE (RS). The maid could have easily poisoned Elise, she was the one who took her her supper, barely an hour ago. That's more than enough opportunity.

TEN. But you could have done it, too.

CYANIDE (RS). Or the butler.

SMITH (9). Please! It wasn't me.

ROSE. I mean, I'm tempted to say it's the one called 'Ricky Cyanide' who has a clear motive who poisoned her. We haven't even got a murder weapon or real motive for anybody else right now. Except Ianto.

LUCIENNE (IJ). How dare you! I did not kill Elise.

CYANIDE (RS). You don't even know if she was poisoned! And I told you, the arsenic was left here by Madame Woowoo! I have it on good authority.

TEN. Whose 'good authority'?

CYANIDE (RS). [Pauses. Meets LUCIENNE'S (IJ) eyes, who glares back] I couldn't say.

TEN. But if you didn't see her yourself-

CYANIDE (RS). You're all forgetting a vital piece of information! We also all heard a gunshot.

KG-BEAUTY (MS). And the thump. Could have been a blow to the head, or something.

CYANIDE (RS). And I'll tell you the only person in this household who carries a gun: It's John Smith! The butler!

ROSE. You've got a gun!?

SMITH (9). I have no such thing.

WOOWOO (OO). He must have shot her! I heard the gun, too.

CYANIDE (RS). Keen to avert suspicion from yourself.

WOOWOO (OO). I didn't kill her! I wouldn't kill anyone who was so hot!

ELISE (CO). Thanks. [Winks at her]

DONNA. No incest during the murder mystery, thanks.

ROSE. [To SMITH (9)] You said you weren't here when Elise had the baby, when she was dismissed. So how would you know what happened with River?

SMITH (9). Well…

CYANIDE (RS). He was here. He's lying. It could have been him who accidentally killed Lord Albert.

TEN. Turn out your pockets.

SMITH (9). No.

TEN. Pockets!

SMITH (9). Fine! [Everybody watches with baited breath as he slowly goes through all of his pockets individually and then, finally, pulls out a small revolver, just as CYANIDE (RS) has said. Everyone gasps together] Just because I have a gun doesn't mean I killed her! She was poisoned!

CYANIDE (RS). She was shot! By you!

WOOWOO (OO). Yeah!

SMITH (9). But why would I do it!?

[Silence]

ROSE. Good question…

SMITH (9). You want a motive!? I'll show you a motive. [Marches purposefully over to the ajar, pantry door. Throws the door open, revealing to all of them a GIRL (NIOS), sitting and attempting to hide among the sacks of potatoes. She has been there the entire time] Here's your motive! So, Lucienne, do you want me to tell everybody about your secret lesbian lover here, or shall I!?

[LUCIENNE (IJ) gasps in horror]