Whodunnit? IV

[In the kitchen. It has just been discovered that RICKY CYANIDE (RIVER SONG), the cook, went to prison seven years earlier for the attempted kidnapping of ALBERT WELLINGTON III (JENNY YOUNG) as an infant, while working as the gardener for the Wellington household. Was also accused of poisoning Lord Albert Wellington II, either by accident while trying to murder LADY ELISE WELLINGTON (CLARA OSWALD) or possibly even on purpose. These accusations were made after TEN and JOHN SMITH (NINTH DOCTOR) discovered a bottle of arsenic in the kitchen, the label on it written by hand, which CYANIDE (RS) says actually belongs to MADAME WOOWOO (OSWIN OSWALD) and that she killed ELISE (CO) though the motive remains unclear. CYANIDE (RS) also forced SMITH (9) to reveal that he carries a revolver, and that ELISE (CO) could have been shot and killed just as easily as poisoned. SMITH (9) also knows all about how CYANIDE (RS) went to prison. Both SMITH (9) and CYANIDE (RS) had the opportunity to poison the food, as did the French maid, CLAUDETTE ARCENEAUX (RORY WILLIAMS), though she currently has no motive]

[Previously, in the study, a bottle of antibiotics intended for advanced STIs was discovered, though the prescription name on the bottle was illegible. Along with this was the pornographic photograph of THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES (MARTHA JONES) and his bodyguard BUTCH HARDCASTLE (AMY POND), which the infamous Russian assassin KG-BEAUTY (MICKEY SMITH) was potentially blackmailing them with, though it is unclear why it was discovered in the study of LADY ELISE (CO) or why KG-BEAUTY (MS) was visiting her to begin with]

[SMITH (9) has just revealed the presence of a GIRL (NIOS) in the pantry, whom he has declared as LUCIENNE'S (IJ) "secret lesbian lover"]

GIRL (NI). [Awkwardly] …Hi…

WOOWOO (OO). Have they had you locked in that cupboard all this time, Ni!?

GIRL (NI). No, only since River dropped the pans. I was texting before that. Anyway, uh, I'm… Katie. I don't know anything about this lesbian stuff. I'm an exterminator. I've just been in here setting rat traps.

CYANIDE (RS). It's true.

SMITH (9). No it isn't. If it was, why would Lucienne look so scared when I revealed her?

LUCIENNE (IJ). I'm terrified of rats. You'd better exterminate all of them.

WOOWOO (OO). [In a robotic voice] Exterminate! [Everybody turns to look at her] What? That was a perfect opportunity for some Dalek-based humour from the resident Dalek.

KATIE (NI). And murderer.

ROSE. Do you have any credentials? ID? That prove you're pest control? Or even, could you show us one of the traps? Or a rat?

KATIE (NI). The traps are all in the pantry.

CYANIDE (RS). This is ridiculous. She's certainly pest control. I called her.

ROSE. So, what? You keep a dirty, rat-filled kitchen?

CYANIDE (RS). I certainly do not.

ROSE. Not used to the dirt? From your time in prison? Maybe you have low standards to let a rat infestation get out of hand.

CYANIDE (RS). There's no rat problem in this kitchen.

ROSE. Then why did you call an exterminator to deal with the rats?

CYANIDE (RS). I just wanted her to check. If there were any rats.

ROSE. You can't see rats with your own eyes?

SMITH (9). I told you. She's no exterminator.

LUCIENNE (IJ). I admit it! Since my stepmother is dead, I can finally admit it. Myself and this poor, working class girl are very much in love. Katie Chapman is no exterminator. Now that Elise isn't here to enforce her homophobic views, we're free to admit our relationship.

ELISE (CO). I'm a homophobe? Wow. Didn't see that coming. But sure, fuck the gays.

WOOWOO (OO). What, all of them?

ELISE (CO). [Smirks] I wish.

TEN. So you murdered your stepmother so that you and Nios could be together, presumably after getting your hands on the inheritance!

LUCIENNE (IJ). It's rightfully my inheritance!

ALBERT (JY). It's my inheritance!

ELISE (CO). Maybe Nios killed me? You know, for love, or something? Like, we will be together! …Are there any biscuits in here? [Distracted, she wanders off to search the cupboards]

KATIE (NI). It wasn't me or Lucienne who killed Elise. It was Madame Wooowoo. I'm the one who saw her bring the arsenic and leave it in here, while I was hiding in the pantry.

ELISE (CO). Oswin! I can't believe you'd try to kill me!

WOOWOO (OO). I did not. It's not my arsenic.

KATIE (NI). I saw you! I saw you do something with it! You could have put it in the food, or the tea! Before the maid took the supper!

WOOWOO (OO). How can you believe someone who's been hiding in a cupboard!? How do we know it's not her arsenic? Clara's right, she could have done it so that she could be with Lucienne.

TEN. You haven't even explained what you're doing here in this house. Do you even know her? [Indicates ELISE (CO)]

WOOWOO (OO). Of course I know her. She's my identical twin sister.

TEN. No, Elise.

WOOWOO (OO). I've never met Elise in my life. Why would I want to kill her?

TEN. You tell me.

WOOWOO (OO). Well, I don't want to kill her. And I didn't.

TEN. So why are you in the house!?

WOOWOO (OO). Just… needed to use the phone. Call a cab.

TEN. That's a lie if I've ever heard one.

WOOWOO (OO). If I'm lying you'd better show me some proof, other than the non-credible testimony of one girl with far more motive and opportunity than me who's been hiding in a cupboard for the last hour. [TEN and ROSE both pause, because they do not have any proof, or a motive] Besides. I'm sure the CIA and the KGB have both been known to poison people, not that Katja's explained why she's here, either. And she's much more suspicious than a poor psychic in a wheelchair.

ROSE. [Turns to KG-BEAUTY (MS)] You have been pretty quiet since we came in here and found the arsenic.

KG-BEAUTY (MS). I told you, I garrotte everyone. Not poison them.

TEN. But it would be easy for you to kill her in a different way and then just say that like it's an alibi, when none of you have any kind of alibi whatsoever and most of you have a motive.

KG-BEAUTY (MS). What's my motive, then? [TEN and ROSE both fall silent again]

ELISE (CO). God. Everyone wants to do me in.

WOOWOO (OO). Just like in real life.

ROSE. …We need more clues is what we need.

TEN. [Turns to CLAUDETTE (RW)] Did you say you were dusting the library when you heard the crash in here?

CLAUDETTE (RW). …Oui.

TEN. Well, then! Somebody show us to this library!

SMITH (9). I'll show you. As long as you stop accusing me of murder.

CYANIDE (RS). You'd like that, wouldn't you? Probably because you're the real killer.

SMITH (9). It's this way…

[Leads the entire party out of the kitchen and down the ornate, stately hallways, towards another door. However, SMITH (9) finds he is unable to open the door. He rams it with his shoulder and looks at CLAUDETTE (RW)]

SMITH (9). Did you lock this?

CLAUDETTE (RW). [Shrugs] Non.

[They hear a noise inside the room]

ELISE (CO). It could be my killer!

PRESIDENT (MJ). We have to get in there!

[SMITH (9) continues to struggle with the door until ROSE taps him on the shoulder]

ROSE. I'll deal with this. [With ease, she proceeds to kick the door down. She kicks it so hard it splinters from its hinges, and a rudimentary barricade made up of chairs and one sofa pushed against the wood is forced across the room. Someone is climbing through a window on the opposite side, a shadowy figure. After seeing ROSE break down the door, the figure is terrified and falls out of the window]

WOOWOO (OO). Oh my stars! Babe, are you okay!?

JACK. He'll be fine, we're on the ground floor.

[ELISE (CO) phases through the crowd – much to their displeasure – to go and see what has become of the strange figure at the window. She peers through into the simulated rainstorm and then helps him back to his feet]

BUTCH (AP). Robbie! What are you doing here!?

PRESIDENT (MJ). Who's he supposed to be?

BUTCH (AP). My brother!

[With the help of ELISE (CO), ROBBIE HARDCASTLE (ADAM MITCHELL) climbs back through the window]

ROBBIE (AM). Yep. Just me. Amy's brother.

KG-BEAUTY (MS). [Gasps theatrically] Oh my god! That's Robbie Cums-A-Lot! The gay porn star!

WOOWOO (OO). Excuse me!?

ROBBIE (AM). Yeah, I mean, like… a bit.

TEN & ROSE. Gay porn star?

KG-BEAUTY (MS). He's taken over a thousand dicks.

ROBBIE (AM). Sometimes I wish I was dead.

WOOWOO (OO). Babe – dead, gay sluts are totally my type. That's why I'm so into Clara right now.

ELISE (CO). You be quiet.

WOOWOO (OO). Me be quiet!? I'm supposed to be here! You're just some zombie wandering around trying to ignore your cigarette craving. Anyway, give me a break. I just found out my boyfriend is a renowned porn star called Robbie Cums-A-Lot, it's very exciting for me. [To ROBBIE (AM)] You're doing great, teddy-bear. [Gives him a thumbs-up. He is very uncomfortable]

TEN. Why are you in here climbing out of the window? Did you barricade the room?

ROBBIE (AM). Uh… I was looking for something, that's all. For my brother.

BUTCH (AP). But how did you know I'd be here?

ROBBIE (AM). Because…

SMITH (9). Not very good at improvising, are you? Me and River have been doing a great job.

ROSE. They have, to be fair. Them and Ianto. Clara's shit, she won't shut up.

ELISE (CO). [Reminiscing] I lived with a porn star at uni, you know…

ROBBIE (AM). I haven't even been in any porn for almost a year. Off the circuit completely. Not even, you know, the… solo stuff. [He is struggling to remember the terms JACK told him earlier]

KG-BEAUTY (MS). And why is that?

ROBBIE (AM). [Uneasily] Personal reasons.

TEN. Like what?

KG-BEAUTY (MS). I heard a rumour that this capitalist sex-worker contracted VD.

ROSE. [Exclaims] VD! Like those pills we found!

BUTCH (AP). You got VD!?

ROBBIE (AM). And you're sleeping with the President! I've seen the photo Mickey-

JACK. KG-Beauty.

ROBBIE (AM). –the photo KG-Beauty and Elise have!

TEN. And Elise!? They were both conspiring to make money from that photo!?

ROSE. That's why the photo was in Elise's study! Maybe KG-Beauty wanted to kill Elise to increase their share of the blackmail money! Only one person to blackmail means twice as much cash.

KG-BEAUTY (MS). I never betray anybody I work with, and definitely did not kill her. It's true though that she was the one keeping the photograph safe for me. But it wasn't for the blackmail money, she never saw a penny of that.

TEN. [Pulls the pill bottle they found earlier from his pocket] And are these yours!? These pills with the prescription name blacked out!?

ROBBIE (AM). No, that's Elise's – I was looking for it, though. For proof.

TEN. Proof of what?

ROBBIE (AM). I'm… I'm sorry about this, Clara, but the character sheet said I have to reveal that you're the one I contracted an STI from.

WOOWOO (OO). Clara! I cannot believe you'd sleep with my boyfriend!

ELISE (CO). Me either. God, this is so exciting. I'm a nasty piece of work, aren't I?

ROBBIE (AM). I need proof that Elise has the disease so that I can claim compensation for her ruining my career.

ROSE. Why? What disease is it? Is it AIDS? I bet it's AIDS.

ROBBIE (AM). It's donovanosis.

PRESIDENT (MJ). [Winces visibly] Ooh, that's, uh, unlucky. Sorry about that. Horrible.

ELISE (CO). What is it? Is it worse than chlamydia? Because I've chlamydia and I barely even noticed.

PRESIDENT (MJ). Aside from the fact that your sexual history is atrocious, donovanosis is a flesh-eating STD rarely found in England. Gives people genital ulcers. Honestly, it's horrific, we had someone in with it once when I was a student – it took the doctors three days to find out what was wrong with him. They had him in quarantine, thought it might be some weird form of the bubonic plague at one point. You can cure it, but it takes a lot of drugs. Although, what year are we supposed to be in for this mystery? Maybe they haven't developed a cure yet.

CLAUDETTE (RW). [To JACK] Did you have to give him that one? The one that makes your groin rot away? It's a bit cruel.

JACK. Here I thought you could only speak French.

ALBERT (JY). [To CLAUDETTE (RW)] Say, "je te déteste."

CLAUDETTE (RW). Je te déteste.

WOOWOO (OO). Savage.

ELISE (CO). You know, if a porn star does get AIDS or HIV, then like, the entire porn industry has to go on pause while they check all the performers.

CLAUDETTE (RW). I'm not sure they are 'performers.' Not really.

ELISE (CO). You don't think having sex with someone on camera doesn't count as performing? It's not an easy job, you know.

ROSE. How do you know? Have you done it?

ELISE (CO). No, but I told you, I lived with a girl in university who did some porn. It was how she made her money while she studied business. You've met her.

ROSE. You what?

ELISE (CO). When we went dress shopping the other week, the girl whose family owned the shop who we met, she used to do porn.

ROSE. Rudi? Who gave me that discount?

ELISE (CO). The one who won't sleep with me, yeah. Very hard to seduce a girl who sleeps with people professionally. Who are all also professionals. She's just not interested. Anyway, yeah, she did a bunch of porn. It's really safe. They get full STI checks every fortnight and it's all, like, consensual. They have forms and they tick boxes.

ALBERT (JY). Sex workers are underrepresented. Which is exactly why it should all be legalised, make it safer.

CLAUDETTE (RW). Do you hang out with porn stars as well?

ALBERT (JY). No, but my ex-girlfriend was a prostitute.

WOOWOO (OO). She charge you a lot?

ALBERT (JY). [Glares at her] No. We were in love. Until she got pregnant and moved away. It was a long time ago.

TEN. Can we get back to the murder mystery?

ROSE. This might be relevant! I mean, maybe he didn't break in here to get proof for his cock compensation-

ROBBIE (AM). Great…

ROSE. Maybe he killed her! As revenge! For giving him the disease!

TEN. Oh yeah… but how? With what?

WOOWOO (OO). I bet he fucked her to death. With his giant, rotten, putrefying porn dick.

ROBBIE (AM). Thanks, Oswin…

TEN. Or the president and the bodyguard killed her to try and get their hands on that photograph!

ROSE. Oh my god… how are we even supposed to work out who did it? Literally anybody could have!

TEN. Well, there's only one person left we haven't found yet.

SMITH (9). Ah. You want to talk to the lunatic.

TEN & ROSE. The lunatic?

WOOWOO (OO). [Uneasily] Lunatic? Sounds ridiculous…

SMITH (9). The lunatic who lives in the attic!