Whodunnit? V

[It has been discovered that LUCIENNE WELLINGTON-BLYTHE (IANTO JONES) was in an illicit and secret lesbian relationship with a girl named KATIE CHAPMAN (NIOS), who was briefly hiding in the kitchen pantry and claims to be witness to MADAME WOOWOO (OSWIN OSWALD), the wheelchair-bound spiritualist who says she was only in the house to call a cab, planting arsenic in the kitchen, potentially poisoning LADY ELISE WELLINGTON (CLARA OSWALD), a statement trusted by the cook RICKY CYANIDE (RIVER SONG), who previously spent seven years in prison on charge of kidnapping and is also the Wellingtons' ex-gardener. CYANIDE (RS) kidnapped baby ALBERT WELLINGTON III (JENNY YOUNG), who has since returned, aged seven, to claim – which LUCIENNE (IJ) previously believed to be hers]

[As well as this, it was found that the famous gay porn star ROBBIE "CUMS-A-LOT" HARDCASTLE (ADAM MITCHELL) had to end his lucrative porn career after contracting an as-yet-incurable STI, donovanosis, from ELISE (CO), during a secret liaison nobody else knew about. ROBBIE (AM) claims he was at the house looking for proof ELISE (CO) gave him the disease so that he could claim compensation, but some speculate he was aiming to kill her out of revenge. He is also the brother of BUTCH HARDCASTLE (AMY POND), the bodyguard of THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES (MARTHA JONES), who also had an affair with one another. Photographic evidence of this affair was acquired by femme fatale KG-BEAUTY (MICKEY SMITH), which was being kept by ELISE (CO) in her study, though KG-BEAUTY (MS) claims that ELISE (CO) never saw a penny of the blackmail money she was claiming from BUTCH (AP) and THE PRESIDENT (MJ), and they also revealed that they knew KG-BEAUTY (MS) was at the house that evening and followed her there]

[But the butler JOHN SMITH (NINTH DOCTOR) has also been accused of ELISE'S (CO) murder, after CYANIDE (RS) revealed that when he was working as the gardener they knew each other, and that SMITH (9) knew who took the child. He is also in possession of a revolver, and at the time of ELISE'S (CO) murder, all the witnesses claim to have heard a gunshot when the lights went out. Like CYANIDE (RS) and the French maid CLAUDETTE ARCENEAUX (RORY WILLIAMS) who speaks no English, the butler also had the opportunity to either shoot ELISE (CO) or use the arsenic in the kitchen. SMITH (9) also knew about the relationship between LUCIENNE (IJ) and KATIE (NI), and has now revealed knowledge of what he calls "the lunatic in the attic", somebody WOOWOO (OO) is not happy about visiting]

[In the attic (which also happens to be located on the ground floor because JACK and DONNA were concerned about ease-of-access for a certain amputee joining in with the game). The simulation rainstorm continues to hammer against the thin windows, and in the artificial moonlight a silhouette is bathed: a man, raggedy and decrepit, chained to the wall and unable to stray too far. They all keep their distance as THE LUNATIC (ELEVENTH DOCTOR) turns around, a look of madness in his eyes. All THREE of them]

[They jump]

ELISE (CO). [Squinting at him] What's up with your face, sweetheart?

LUNATIC (11). It's my third eye. They call me 'the Cyclops.' Which doesn't make sense because a cyclops only has one eye, but I suppose Jack doesn't care too much about things making sense. [JACK glares at him]

WOOWOO (OO). Do you get excited when somebody touches it? Y'know, you're third eye. [ELISE (CO) kicks the back of her wheelchair and it rattles] Hey! You can't do that!

LUNATIC (11). My real name is supposedly Benjamin Holmes, for the record. Anyway… [clears his throat, begins doing a creepy voice] What brings you all here, to my abode?

ELISE (CO). Ooh, I'm getting chills. You're so method. I hope you didn't kill me…

JACK. No flirting with the lunatic. He's a lunatic.

WOOWOO (OO). Personally, I think you're really stigmatising the mentally ill right now. But don't let me tell you how to play your little game…

LUNATIC (11). She just wants to divert attention away from the truth.

ROSE. What truth?

LUNATIC (11). The truth! The truth behind everything!

WOOWOO (OO). He doesn't even know what he's saying.

LUNATIC (11). Ha! That's what you think. But I know everything. I'm the only person who really knows what happened seven years ago, because I witnessed it!

TEN. You mean the murder of Elise's husband!?

LUNATIC (11). What a terrible murder it was!

ROSE. What happened!?

LUNATIC (11). What happened!? What happened is she did it! The woman herself! Elise!

ELISE (CO). [Gasps] Did I?

LUNATIC (11). Well… yes. Didn't you?

ELISE (CO). I don't know. Nobody told me anything.

DONNA. Because you're supposed to be a dead body in the other bloody room. Just ignore her, pretend she's a ghost and nobody can hear her.

ELISE (CO). Charming…

LUNATIC (11). I saw her kill her husband through the window. She violently, brutally murdered him, with a garotte!

TEN. A garotte!?

ROSE. Just like the one used by-

TEN & ROSE. KG-Beauty!

ROSE. And you were so insistent about using the garotte, too!

KG-BEAUTY (MS). So what? It was seven years ago. And he just said he saw Elise do it. What's that got to do with me?

LUNATIC (11). It's everything to do with you. A prominent government scientist? Working for the Americans? Strangled in his own home by his wife the same night she gives birth to their child, then lets the infant go wandering?

WOOWOO (OO). You can't listen to him. He's crazy. He's a lunatic. The lunatic in the attic.

ROSE. You're a lunatic.

WOOWOO (OO). Only in real life, though. Not in this game. Besides, what's this murder seven years ago really got to do with anything?

ROSE. Maybe Lucienne found out Elise killed her father and murdered her out of revenge? Maybe the butler did it? I don't know.

LUCIENNE (IJ). I had no idea this witch murdered my father until this very moment!

ELISE (CO). Alright, mate. Calm down. I haven't actually killed your dad.

TEN. What was your father's job? [As he asks that question, ROSE decides to go and search the many drawers and cupboards]

LUCIENNE (IJ). He was a scientist, worked with experimental weapons, for the government.

TEN. Experimental-!? And now the president and a Russian spy are in his house!?

LUCIENNE (IJ). I suppose so.

TEN. Seems fishy.

ROSE. [Sarcastic, but somewhat absent, still searching] Yeah, almost like somebody's been murdered, or something…

TEN. And then all of you showing up here… seven years later…

LUNATIC (11). It's not fishy. Everything's connected, you see. I've got all the pieces, you know, up here. They just need somebody to put them together.

ROSE. [Pulling out some documents] Oh my god…

TEN. What?

ROSE. [With increased intensity] Oh my god…

TEN, ELISE (CO), WOOWOO (OO), THE PRESIDENT (MJ), KG-BEAUTY (MS) & BUTCH (AP). What?

ROSE. [Even more intensity] Oh. My. GOD.

TEN, ELISE (CO), WOOWOO (OO), THE PRESIDENT (MJ), KG-BEAUTY (MS), BUTCH (AP), CYANIDE (RS), SMITH (9), ALBERT (JY). WHAT?

ROSE. These documents! It's her will! And birth certificate! And it says she was born thirty years ago-

ELISE (CO). Hang on, thirty!? I'm not bloody thirty!

ROSE. In the Soviet Union! And her name is really Essena Vladislavovna!

[All gasp]

ROSE. And the will doesn't leave a single named benefactor! None of you are in line for any inheritance!

LUCIENNE (IJ) & ALBERT (JY). What!?

[LUCIENNE (IJ) snatches the will from ROSE to examine it]

LUCIENNE (IJ). I don't believe this! She's a Russian! And she didn't leave me any money! Even after she murdered my father!

TEN. So she must know KG-Beauty!

KG-BEAUTY (MS). Alright, fine! I admit it. Elise Wellington is Essena Vladislavovna. We worked together in Leningrad. She was a spy, sent here as a sleeper agent to assassinate Lord Albert Wellington II, who was working on a weapon that would give the capitalists an edge in the war. But she stayed behind when she was supposed to come back to Russia, stayed here and enjoyed all the luxuries money could buy.

ROSE. So you killed her! All because she was betraying Mother Russia.

TEN. No, that can't be right, Elise was still helping blackmail the president and the bodyguard.

KG-BEAUTY (MS). As a favour. So that I wouldn't out her to the authorities as a Russian spy. I'd just have to send one anonymous tip and they'd find out the suspicious circumstances surrounding Lord Albert's death, as well as the fact that 'Elise Wellington' has never even existed. I told you, she didn't see a penny of the blackmail money.

ROSE. So you were blackmailing everybody. [KG-BEAUTY (MS) shrugs]

TEN. But anyone who knew that there was nothing in the will could have also wanted to kill her. Maybe it was the butler? Serving the family faithfully for two decades and then not having anything in the will? And you knew the lunatic was in here, so you must have come in here before.

SMITH (9). If I'd found that will, I would've found the birth certificate, too. And I had no idea she was a Russian spy. I would have turned her in.

ELISE (CO). Can't believe that all along I've been a communist spy…

WOOWOO (OO). Your wife would cream herself if she heard you say that, I'll bet.

LUNATIC (11). And you! Don't think I don't know why you're here, Agneta!

WOOWOO (OO). [Gasps]

LUNATIC (11). Because I do! That woman is trying to kill me, I say! Kill me!

TEN. Why does she want to do that?

LUNATIC (11). Because she's a fraud! Take a look over there! [He points to the wall nearby, where they see in the ghostly moonlight an old, torn, yellowing poster. It is advertising a travelling carnival, and the names "Benjamin Holmes, The Amazing Cyclops" and "The Astounding Madame Woowoo" are both clearly visible] We were in a travelling circus together, years ago, and I know she's fake! All the people she divines the futures of are plants, all the ghosts she talks to are fake! And more than that – she can walk!

PRESIDENT (MJ). [Surprised] Can she?

WOOWOO (OO). Well… see, you know how we picked the characters at random? The character, Madame Woowoo, is supposed to have been faking that she can't walk. I, however, haven't even got my prosthetic attached at the moment. Just pretend I did something cool. Like, that I breakdanced, or did a backflip, or something.

ALBERT (JY). I did offer to swap, but Jack was adamant about no-swapping.

JACK. It'd be chaos if you were allowed to change characters.

WOOWOO (OO). So you just thought you'd be ableist, instead? [Shaking her head] Despicable.

LUNATIC (11). Anyway, continuing on, after that excellent breakdancing performance we just saw- [WOOWOO (OO) does a small bow in her wheelchair] -she's the one who murdered Elise, with poison, but she wasn't trying to kill Elise. She was trying to kill me! So that I didn't reveal her to be a fraud!

WOOWOO (OO). I had no idea you were here. It's purely coincidence. I merely wanted to use the phone.

SMITH (9). She did ask to use the phone when she arrived.

LUNATIC (11). Only as a pretence!

[WOOWOO (OO) and THE LUNATIC (11) glare at each other. Silence falls from the other people in the room, all of them pausing and waiting for another revelation. The glaring stops, and they look around, eventually all focusing their attention on JACK and DONNA. Finally, DONNA goes to speak]

DONNA. [To TEN and ROSE] That's your lot, I'm afraid. [They pause, in shock]

TEN. What do you mean, that's our lot?

DONNA. Everything. All the clues and information. It's yours now.

ROSE. But… but… but it could be anyone!

TEN. We'll have to just go through them all one by one. Did she kill herself? Can you tell us that, at least?

JACK. She didn't kill herself. We're not that mean.

ROSE. Alright, well… Oswin could have accidentally done it trying to kill the Doctor because of this carnival thing, although it does seem a bit weird that he's been here for years and she picks tonight to come and try to kill him-

TEN. And he is a lunatic.

WOOWOO (OO). Yeah, he could be full of shit.

LUNATIC (11). I'm doing my best.

ROSE. Jenny probably didn't do it because… well, we don't really have a motive or a murder weapon and she's a seven-year-old boy.

TEN. Rory had opportunity but not much of a motive.

DONNA. The motive is that Jack desperately wanted to force someone to dress up as a maid. Originally, he wanted that one to be Clara so that we could get her to shut up with the 'French' excuse.

ELISE (CO). Oh, thanks.

PRESIDENT (MJ). Clara's not that bad.

ELISE (CO). [Bitterly] I'm not 'that bad.' That's a compliment of the highest order.

PRESIDENT (MJ). Don't ruin it.

TEN. Could've been Martha. And if it was, Amy would definitely back her up. I believe the president and the CIA would definitely kill somebody to stop a lewd photo like that getting out.

ROSE. But they didn't actually retrieve the photo. You'd've thought they'd've got the photo, or at least found out where it was, first.

TEN. Maybe… but, it could also have been because they worked out she's a Russian spy and came here to deal with that. Then they definitely would just kill her. Or Mickey could have done it because the KGB didn't want to get found out for sending an assassin over, or because she was trying to get some of the blackmail money for the photo, or because people might find out she killed Lord Albert!

ROSE. Or it could've been the butler, he is the only one with a gun, and we know for a fact there was a gunshot. We don't know that the food was ever actually poisoned, and it would be a bit tricky to time a power cut perfectly with death-by-poisoning.

TEN. What would the motive be? Trying to get money out of the will?

ROSE. Maybe. He could've tried to change the will after she died, so that she didn't find out about it. Or it could be delayed revenge for her killing Albert. And it definitely could have been Ianto trying to get inheritance, avenge Albert, or continue this weird secret relationship with Nios.

TEN. Or Nios also looking to try and snatch the inheritance or get together with Ianto…

JACK. Who doesn't wanna get together with Ianto? [ALBERT (JY) makes an exaggerated gagging, retching sound, then coughs]

ALBERT (JY). Sorry. Got something in my throat.

JACK. Not for the first time.

ALBERT (JY). You- [ELISE (CO) grabs her arm]

ELISE (CO). Yeah, alright, let it go.

TEN. But! Maybe it was the lunatic! Why is he even locked up in this attic? Because he bore witness to the murder? Maybe Elise tried to poison him and, I don't know, the language-barrier with Claudette meant the poisoned food went to the wrong person? Or Claudette could have known and done it on purpose because she likes the lunatic more than Elise? Or even, he could have managed to convince Claudette to kill Elise to eventually free him from being trapped here.

ROSE. We have even less proof for that than for any of the others. And there's still Adam Mitchell, and his STD. Could've easily murdered her out of revenge.

TEN. But how?

ROSE. I don't know, all the lights were out. He must have had some reason to barricade himself in the library. Run in, bash her on the head, run back out again.

DONNA. Come on. It's obvious.

TEN & ROSE. Is it?

DONNA. Yes! Just think about it slowly, and then tell us-

JACK & DONNA. Who do you think the killer is?

AN: And in a shocking turn of events, it's down to YOU GUYS who the killer is! Who do you think is the most likely suspect? Who has the best motive, the best opportunity, or who would be the plain funniest murderer? In the spirit of the interactivity of a murder mystery event, whoever YOU vote for will be the killer! So let me know in the reviews!

On a second note, I've now added a storyline next (might be a short one) because this murder mystery just hasn't lasted very long at all and will probably only take them to midday, and I'm gonna do a Jenny/Oswin exclusive because they've never had their own one together and they are arguably the best characters in the entire fic.