Whodunnit? VI

[The entire cast are gathered together in the attic of the Wellington mansion, eagerly awaiting the solution to the mystery that has been plaguing them for roughly two-to-three hours. LADY ELISE (CLARA OSWALD), the murder victim; LUCIENNE WELLINGTON-BLYTHE (IANTO JONES); the secretly-lesbian step-daughter; KG-BEAUTY (MICKEY SMITH), the Russian femme fatale; ABRAHAM ROOSEVELT KENNEDY JR., THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES (MARTHA JONES) and the bodyguard he's having an affair with, BUTCH HARDCASTLE (AMY POND); the bodyguard's diseased, porn star brother, ROBBIE "CUMS-A-LOT" HARDCASTLE (ADAM MITCHELL); the faux-exterminator lesbian lover, KATIE CHAPMAN (NIOS); the ex-gardener, ex-con cook, RICKY CYANIDE (RIVER SONG); the suspicious, armed butler, JOHN SMITH (NINTH DOCTOR); MADAME WOOWOO (OSWIN OSWALD), the wheelchair-bound psychic; CLAUDETTE ARCENEAUX (RORY WILLIAMS), the French-speaking maid; ALBERT WELLINGTON III (JENNY YOUNG), the seven-year-old heir to the Wellington fortune; and, finally, THE LUNATIC IN THE ATTIC (ELEVENTH DOCTOR), an old circus freak who knows too much. But who is the true killer?]

ROSE. [Clicks her fingers] I know who did it.

TEN. You do?

ALL. You do?

ROSE. Yep. Because Jack… is full of it.

ALBERT (JY). Well, we all knew that already…

WOOWOO (OO). [Coldly, to ALBERT (JY)] Behave.

ROSE. There's no way any of this is random. Getting Adam Mitchell to be a porn star? Rory to be a maid? Mickey to to be a seductress assassin? Clara as the murder victim? No. This is all designed. And there's only a few people who Jack and Donna would think it was really funny to have killed Clara.

WOOWOO (OO). Anyone killing Clara is quite funny; you should've seen when she killed herself by trying to climb up a t-rex fossil and she fell off.

ELISE (CO). Shut up.

BUTCH (AP). Actually, I'd quite like to see that, you didn't get it on video, or anything?

WOOWOO (OO). Unfortunately not.

PRESIDENT (MJ). Why were you climbing on a dinosaur?

ELISE (CO). [While glaring at WOOWOO (OO)] It's really not as interesting a story as it sounds.

ROSE. My point is, the killer is obviously… the lunatic!

[JACK and DONNA both gasp theatrically]

TEN. Is it?

ROSE. Yes.

TEN. …But he's chained to the wall up here.

LUNATIC (11). Yes, see, I'm chained to the wall. [He rattles his chains]

ROSE. Which is the perfect alibi.

PRESIDENT (MJ). What is? The impossibility of him being able to kill her?

KG-BEAUTY (MS). Not killing someone is the best alibi you can have.

TEN. I thought it was somebody else, but… well… sorry, how did you work out it's the lunatic? What's his motive?

ROSE. Revenge! For being locked in the loft for seven years.

TEN. I was thinking more along the lines of the butler being involved because I thought they'd love a cliché, but-

LUNATIC (11). Drat! Alas, I confess! It was me!

ROSE. I knew it!

TEN. What, really?

LUNATIC (11). And I had more than a few accomplices, including the butler, who knows the most fiendish secret of all: that the seven-year-old boy is not, in fact, the son of Lord Albert Wellington II, but is the son of me! A freakshow vagrant with a mutated, extra eye!

WOOWOO (OO). Finally, an explanation as to why Jenny's so weird-looking.

ALBERT (JY). Oi!

LUNATIC (11). She didn't want anybody to know that she had a son with me, and an affair, but her husband discovered it. And I was visiting to see the birth of my child because no one's going to stop me from seeing my son, which was when I witnessed her murdering him. Maybe she was a Russian spy, but she was never an assassin; communism was just a red herring. It was I who helped her cover up the murder, until she tricked me and trapped me in here! Letting the gardener take our child somewhere else! KG-Beauty has been forcing Elise to help do her dirty work for years, like storing the blackmail photo of the President and Butch Hardcastle. But her connection to Leningrad and secret identity meant that I could easily lie to the police and say I orchestrated the murder because I found her hidden birth certificate up here and was just protecting the country.

CYANIDE (RS). How did you do it, though? How did she die?

LUNATIC (11). She was poisoned! She was poisoned by none other than the maid, Claudette Arceneaux, parce que je parle Français! The maid was the only one who ever saw me when she delivered my meals, and so I worked the same magic I worked on Elise and seduced her!

CLAUDETTE (RW). For the record, none of this stuff was written on my character sheet at all. This is the first time I'm hearing it.

LUNATIC (11). I seduced the maid, the only one to return my advances – sorry, Rory, I've had all the time up here on my own to memorise the speech Jack wrote – and finally, after months, convinced her to help me in my scheme to gain my freedom and murder Elise. It would have helped if she was actually nice to any of her staff. And after Claudette briefly smuggled me some writing utensils and agreed to post a letter, it was all too easy to get the help of my old associate from the carnival, Madame Woowoo, the fraudulent psychic. I told her I would out her as a con artist if she didn't deliver some arsenic to the kitchen on this very night, the anniversary of the murder of Lord Albert Wellington II and the birth of my beloved son, whose real name, as I would have it, is Bob.

ALBERT (JY). Bob!? That's, like, the most boring name. Why is my name Bob now?

BUTCH (AP). Shush, Bob, we're trying to listen.

LUNATIC (11). Madame Woowoo delivered the arsenic after lying and saying she needed to use the phone to call a taxi on this stormy night – she is a professional liar, after all. The thing I didn't count on was the affair between Lucienne and Katie Chapman. Katie saw, from the pantry where she was hiding, Madame Woowoo bring the arsenic into the kitchen, all while Ricky Cyanide the cook was distracted arguing with Lucienne about Katie's presence in the kitchen at all. An argument triggered with the assistance of another pitiful friend of mine, the butler, John Smith. When I revealed to him that he wasn't even mentioned in Elise's will, after twenty years of devoted service to the Wellington household, that was all the convincing he needed. He was the one who shot the gun at that precise time, it's true, but only as a diversion to keep people from discovering the true cause of death-

PRESIDENT (MJ). Which literally any post-mortem could tell you.

LUNATIC (11). And how did he know exactly what time to fire the gun, when I was up here and the poison was acting? Easy! Because I have access to the fuse box! [He tears down the old carnival poster and reveals the metal box behind it, opening it to reveal the fuses and switches for every room in the house] During a storm, nobody would question a power cut and it would serve as the perfect cover. The best part is that they all set themselves up to take the fall, meaning that as long as I, in the attic, remained a secret then I wouldn't even be investigated. The rest of my plan was for Claudette to free me and help me escape, where we would take my dear Bob-

ALBERT (JY). For god's sake…

LUNATIC (11). -And move to a beautiful cottage in southern France together, where we'd have many children.

CLAUDETTE (RW). Sounds about right.

LUNATIC (11). Although, I am infected with the dangerous flesh-eating venereal disease, donovanosis, which is how Elise contracted it and then gave it to Robbie Hardcastle, thus inadvertently ruining his entire career just to get her leg over.

WOOWOO (OO). Wow. It turns out that Clara's vagina was the real villain all along. [ELISE (CO) kicks her wheelchair, yet again] What!? I'm just saying that everyone you've slept with in this game has had something awful happen to them.

ELISE (CO). You are such a shit.

LUNATIC (11). The only variable I didn't account for was that the butler would turn on me.

SMITH (9). Had to save my own skin. They wanted me for it, you heard him.

ROSE. Seems like you almost thought of everything. Almost.

LUNATIC (11). And I would've gotten away with it, too! If it weren't for you meddling kids and your dumb murder mystery party!

TEN. Well. Looks like we were both right.

ROSE. I was more right than you, though. The butler was barely involved. It's too obvious.

ELISE (CO). I cannot believe you murdered me, sweetheart. This is such a betrayal. Sleeping with Rory I can forgive because who wouldn't go for him in that maid outfit-

BUTCH (AP). Amen!

ELISE (CO). But killing me?

ROSE. We've all wanted to kill you at one point or another.

ELISE (CO). [Deadpan] Thanks.

LUCIENNE (IJ). Can I take this dress and these furs off, now? I'm so sweaty.

JACK. Can't say I'll complain if you wanna take your clothes off.

ALBERT (JY). [Angrily] Why am I called Bob!?

DONNA. Thought it was funny.

ALBERT (JY). [Annoyed, muttering] Thought it was funny… ugh… who gets the money from the will, though? Me or Ianto?

WOOWOO (OO). Fight to the death!

ROBBIE (AM). You could do that thing they do in Gladiators where they stand on the podiums and hit each other with the big cushioned cotton bud things.

DONNA. There isn't actually any money, you know.

ELISE (CO). I'm going to donate it. To medical research, to try and find a cure for donovanosis. Maybe someday Robbie Cums-A-Lot will get his penis back and be able to fuck to his heart's content. It's the least I can do.

TEN. This was brilliant! I couldn't think of a better thing to do on a stag party! Here I was scared you were going to force me to get drunk.

ROSE. Yeah, speaking of getting drunk, is there absolutely no alcohol?

JACK. There's some Ferrero Rocher in a drawer over there we got for if you managed to get it right.

[The LUNATIC (11) steps aside to let ROSE get to the drawer, opening it and pulling out a large tray of chocolate she promptly takes over to TEN so that they can eat it]

CLAUDETTE (RW). Don't any of us get chocolate?

KG-BEAUTY (MS). Yeah, me and Rory have had to wear these stupid outfits, I think we're the ones most deserving of chocolate.

LUCIENNE (IJ). I'm not having fun in this ridiculous dress, either. I'm wearing a corset.

WOOWOO (OO). [Pretending to get emotional and cry] Your dedication to the bit is truly touching. And speaking of touching, I'm fully aware of what you're thinking of right now, Clara, eh? [ELISE (CO) was not paying attention to anything until she said that]

ELISE (CO). Leave me alone. I told you stop reading my mind.

WOOWOO (OO). You're thinking very loudly right now, that's all.

ROSE. I'd kill for some chocolate with some alcohol in it. Or some Baileys, anybody else fancy some Baileys? You can get salted caramel Baileys now.

BUTCH (AP). I wouldn't say no to some Baileys.

JACK. There's none here.

ROSE. Why?

DONNA. Nothing good ever seems to happen when any of us get drunk.

ROSE. Getting drunk is a good thing on its own. What about you, Clara?

ELISE (CO). After you just insulted me and said you've thought about killing me before? [ROSE nods] Can't say I want to get drunk right now, particularly. It's barely even noon. I'm just hungry.

ROSE. Eleven o'clock is Pimm's o'clock.

BUTCH (AP). She's got a point.

PRESIDENT (MJ). A point about what? The madness of drinking culture?

BUTCH (AP). Don't you want any Pimm's? We could go for cocktails! Cocktails, Donna!

DONNA. Because that went so well the other day, didn't it?

BUTCH (AP). I suppose I'm maybe not really in the mood for day drinking…

ROSE. No! Somebody must be! Jack?

JACK. Too much wedding stuff. Your wedding stuff. Sorry. [ROSE again turns her gaze on ELISE (CO)]

ELISE (CO). I've also got… plans.

ROSE. What plans?

ELISE (CO). I was gonna go have a wank.

WOOWOO (OO). The vagina strikes back.

ROSE. You're not serious, are you?

ELISE (CO). …Quite serious…

WOOWOO (OO). It's all she's been thinking about all morning.

BUTCH (AP). [To THE LUNATIC (11)] Don't you mind her telling everyone that?

LUNATIC (11). No. Why would I? It's Clara's business. I don't own her.

BUTCH (AP). Just seems a bit weird, since by all accounts you two basically never stop shagging.

ELISE (CO). Yes, okay, we get the point, I'm a sex maniac. It's been, like, six months, I'm sure everyone's fully aware.

TEN. We do, you know, have a lot to be getting on with ourselves, Rose. A bit. Some stuff. A few things. Finishing touches. The seating plan, for instance?

WOOWOO (OO). And before you ask for my frankly sterling company for your binge-drinking escapades, Rosie, this wheelchair has actually given me a lot of very sexual ideas, so I'll be busy fingering my way through some blueprints in the old laboratory.

KATIE (NI). You're honestly such an atrocious individual.

PRESIDENT (MJ). And Jenny and I are busy after this, so don't ask me.

ALBERT (JY). Busy? With what?

PRESIDENT (MJ). Surely you haven't forgotten that your hand needs to be put in a cast again to stop you from repeatedly screwing it up?

WOOWOO (OO). Yeah, Jenny. Stop screwing everything with your hand.

ALBERT (JY). Ooh, well, I sort of… have literally anywhere else to be, so, I don't think that's really going to… [Sees the glare THE PRESIDENT (MJ) is giving her] Or maybe I can spare a few minutes…

WOOWOO (OO). Wow, Marth, you totally made Bob your bitch.

DONNA. You have a real gift for making everybody in a room exceptionally uncomfortable at once, you know.

WOOWOO (OO). I know a few tricks that'll make you very comfortable if you just slide your underwear off. Slowly, like.

ROBBIE (AM). [Grabs the back of her wheelchair] Okay, well, I think that's enough excitement for one day…

WOOWOO (OO). I'm always excited when you're around, teddy-bear.

ROBBIE (AM). Would you look at that? Madame Woowoo's going senile in her old age. [Begins to wheel her away]

WOOWOO (OO). I have to re-establish my position as the Alpha Lunatic here. Make sure I stay on top.

JACK. I think that's as good a place as any to end things… now then, Ianto. What's say we get you out of those furs? [Picks LUCIENNE (IJ) up and carries her out of the room]

PRESIDENT (MJ). [Grabbing ALBERT'S (JY) arm] And you're coming with me to the medibay. Right now.

[CURTAIN]