A General History of Pyrates

Martha

"Unless Rose teleported us directly into a simulation, I don't think that's what's happening," Donna decided after they had gone over the day's events so far together – including their hour of captivity aboard Bonny and Read's ship which had left Nassau as soon as they'd been thrown into the brig.

"Yeah, but…" Amy began, deep in thought.

"I'm pretty sure that Anne Bonny and Mary Read both pretended to be men," said Clara eventually.

"That's what I was thinking," said Amy, "But they just introduced themselves to us as, you know, themselves. Not in disguise. Even though, by all accounts, they definitely did both wear disguises… then again, what little we know of them does come from that ridiculous book."

"What book?" asked Martha, who'd never been particularly interested in pirates.

"A General History of the Most Notorious Pyrates," Clara answered, the only one who was fully following what Amy was saying. "It wouldn't surprise me if everything in that book is a lie. Maybe Bonny and Read didn't need to pretend to be men to command respect."

"Maybe…" Amy said, still thinking. Thunder rumbled somewhere overhead as the sea sloshed against the hull. They were right at the bottom of the ship, probably mostly underwater and hidden at the back of the hold.

"What about Oswin?" Martha thought suddenly.

"What about her?" Clara asked.

"You're psychically connected to her – they can't confiscate that," Martha reminded her, "She must be able to do something."

"You think I haven't tried that? She's either ignoring me, or the mind-patch is being interfered with," Clara sighed, "I've been trying to get a hold of her periodically ever since we arrived here. Which could happen in a simulation. What's strange is it's normally painful when something messes with it."

"You don't think Oswin would…?" Martha began.

"What? Dump us in this nightmare the day before Rose's wedding? No, I don't," said Clara firmly, "There's no reason for it. Unless one of you's really pissed her off, but I'm sure she would have told me about it if you had."

"Maybe you've done something to her," Amy suggested.

"Well, I haven't," Clara shrugged, "It won't be her. She doesn't even like pirates, or anything to do with Earth or the sea." Speaking of the sea, the rocking of the ship was intensifying. Martha had to hold onto one of their cage bars to keep herself steady, like Clara was doing, and she could certainly hear a rainstorm picking up. "Urgh – this is a nightmare… I need a smoke…" she fumbled about with her pockets for one of the few items she had that hadn't been confiscated by pirates. Martha started, however.

"Err, I'd rather you didn't. This is an enclosed space."

"It smells bad enough as it is," said Clara, taking out her Marlboros and her lighter, "I hardly think one cigarette is going to make it much more unbearable."

"No, really," Martha told her seriously.

"What's up with you?" Donna asked her, "Just let her, it's easier than an argument. You know how she can be when she hasn't smoked."

"No," Martha continued, "I just… I don't want to have to deal with it."

"Is for the baby," Rose slurred, the first thing she'd said for a while. Martha had thought she'd managed to fall asleep, or something, but apparently she was still acutely aware of what was going on. Clara froze right when she was about to light the cigarette between her lips.

"Baby?" Amy asked Rose, "What baby?"

"She's having a baby," Rose waved a hand vaguely in Martha's direction. Martha was mortified; this was not the way she had wanted everybody else to find out, not at all. Clara dropped the cigarette and it fell to the floor at her feet, but she didn't appear to notice. Suddenly, Martha was everything she didn't want to be: the centre of attention.

"Is she for real?" Donna indicated Rose.

"You're pregnant?" Clara stared at her.

"I…" but there was no use in lying or trying to avoid the question. They'd have to find out sooner or later. "Fine, yes. About a month. I've known for ten days. And before you make a thing of it – yes, it's Mickey's, and yes, he knows about it, he was the first to know, and he's very excited."

"Well – congratulations!" said Donna.

"Yeah, that's great," Clara added, smiling, putting away her cigarettes now the real reason Martha didn't want to breathe in her second-hand smoke was clear.

"Here everybody thought Clara was the one who'd find herself knocked up," Amy quipped, "But – no, I'm really happy for you."

"I've never been pregnant, actually," Clara argued with her, "I've only ever contracted STIs. Not… babies."

"I don't think you 'contract' a baby, it's not a disease," said Donna. Clara just shrugged. "And – how many STIs have you actually had?"

"Couldn't say."

"Why not?" Donna asked.

"She means literally," Martha explained, "She literally can't say, because she doesn't know."

"Hang on, if you're having a baby on the TARDIS," Amy began, "Doesn't that mean it's going to be a Time Lord? That's what happened when I got pregnant with River."

"Bloody hell!" Donna exclaimed.

"What?" Amy asked.

"Forgot she was your daughter. It's so weird…"

"Well… anyway. Martha?"

"Yes, it does mean that," said Martha, "Also means I'm going to kill Rose when she sobers up. Do you hear that? I'm going to kill you."

Rose burped again, then asked, "Can I still be the godmother?" Martha glared at her, furious, but she didn't appear to notice. "Does anyone else really want a drink? I'd love a drink…" Rose proceeded to curl up in a ball on the floor.

"We should really come up with a plan," said Clara after Rose seemed to fall asleep, or at least lull herself into a state of blissful unawareness.

"Why don't you just seduce somebody and have them let us go?" Donna suggested to her.

"Seduce someone? What? Who?"

"She's right," Amy nodded at Donna, "Anne Bonny would definitely have a go on you."

"She'd 'have a go' on me?"

"You'd just have to smile at her."

"Right, well," Clara began, irritated, "Firstly, I don't need your advice on how to seduce women, I'm a bona fide libertine. I've slept with countless women, literally. And do I think I could get into Anne Bonny's knickers? Yes, in a heartbeat, but I won't."

"Why not? It could save us from being ransomed off to Rose's non-existent fiancé in the fort," Donna said.

"Because! I don't want to sleep with her."

"Wow, finally, we've found someone you wouldn't sleep with," Amy said dryly, "Wait until the papers get a load of this: Clara Oswald refuses to have sex with woman." Clara glared at her.

"I'm not some emotionless sex-robot you can just point at people," she said, "I'm a human being."

"And you're passing up the opportunity to sleep with one of history's most notorious pirates!" Amy said, "I think you'd better do it. Cross it off your bucket list."

"I'm not going to cheat on my husband with a woman who has black teeth, thank you very much. And god knows what a state it's in down there. We're long before the invention of Femfresh."

"Eurgh," Amy muttered.

"Oh, that's gross, is it? You'd rather push me towards her and avert your gaze? Why don't you fuck her?" Clara challenged, "Or Rose. Rose would probably do it. She wouldn't know the difference." Rose didn't say a word in her defence. "Could just have a massive orgy, then maybe they won't throw us into the sea." Martha was glad that this ridiculous argument was forced to conclude before it could get any worse, and someone seriously tried to force somebody else into extra-marital sex with a pirate queen.

The next time a gang of interlopers piqued their attention they were caught less off-guard; there wasn't much of a chance for Bonny and Read to sneak up on them now, not when the only route to the brig was dead-ahead. They came carrying orange lanterns aloft, illuminating their faces, talking in hushed tones with a third person – a taller man none of them had seen yet. He was dirty but intimidating, and it almost seemed as though they were holding the lights for his benefit rather than their own. They were his guides.

"This is a waste of time," he argued with the women as Clara stood up, withdrawing her arms from where they were looped through the bars. "How much shine are these tramps really going to bring us? They're weighing us down." They loped closer, the trio, all three of them used to constant rocking of the old wooden ship.

"Your scary friend has a point," said Clara to the girls, "Surely it must be a bit of a hassle having to take care of prisoners?"

"We'll throw you overboard then, shall we?" Read said.

"On the other hand, did we tell you about how rich Rose's fiancé is?"

"You have no scruples," Amy said.

"One rich girl? And was there a reason you had to take her four friends as well?" the newcomer questioned the girls, mainly Bonny.

"They're all rich," Bonny argued, "Look at them."

"They're clean. You're getting 'rich' and 'clean' mixed up. And they could be married to the King of Spain, it still wouldn't be worth dragging them around to claim the ransom."

"Really? Why's that, then?" Clara asked, intrigued, "King of Spain's probably got a lot of cash, been stealing it from South America for years by now. Say she is his mistress, or something."

"Listen, I don't care how pretty my Anne thinks you are," said the man snidely at Clara, "None of you are worth half as much as the treasure which awaits us." So Anne Bonny really did fancy Clara; what was it about her that made people swoon so much? Even Martha had a brief lapse in judgment some months ago, not that she could pin down any reason why. She supposed it had been snubbed out upon hearing that Clara had had chlamydia four times; STIs definitely weren't appealing.

"Holy shit!" Amy suddenly shouted, standing up from the wooden cot bed, "Are you Calico Jack?"

"Have stories of my adventures reached as far as Scotland? I'm charmed," he said. So it seemed like Clara wasn't the only one attracting inappropriate attention from the pirates.

"You're famous," said Amy, smiling at him, "A hero of the seas, sticking it to the man."

"The man?"

"The Queen, I mean. Anyway – about this treasure," she began. So that was why she was trying to get on his good side, for information. "What is it, exactly?"

"Ha!" he laughed, "How long have you been in Nassau not to have heard about the Forgotten Island?"

"Forgotten Island?" all four of the conscious girls asked at once. Rose mumbled something incoherent and rolled over on the floor.

"Aye. It did rise out of the Caribbean some two weeks prior."

"Sorry, an island rose out of the sea?" Martha asked, "Is that what you just said?"

"An island full of treasure and riches," Read continued, "Stories of it have reached as far north as Florida. It's only a matter of time before the Europeans come to try and claim it."

"You are European," Martha reminded her.

"Hardly," she scoffed. Martha rolled her eyes.

"Typical…"

"What kind of treasure? Specifically?"

"A treasure which will grant whoever possesses it ultimate power over the seas. And whoever controls the seas controls the money, and whoever controls the money controls the world," said Calico Jack. "Every pirate is hunting it, but I will be the one to claim it."

"We will claim it," Read corrected him coolly. Bonny had her eyes fixed on Clara. So, an island with treasure that could control the sea had risen out of the ocean, and conveniently all their powers had stopped working, and they had no contact with anybody else… Martha had never been much of a believer in coincidence.

"The point is, what we're hunting is much more valuable than any rich girl's dowry – and there was no need for these spares," Jack said, annoyed, "You may as well throw them overboard, for all they're worth."

"All of them?" Bonny asked. Clara shrank uncomfortably under her gaze.

"Aye, all of them."

"You mean…" Bonny nodded at Clara, "All of them?"

"All of them."

"Not all of them, though? Surely?"

"All. Of. Them."

"This is thrilling conversation, truly," Amy said.

"They're talking about killing us," Donna hissed at her.

"I'm a strong swimmer."

Shouting erupted from above, louder than the rolling thunder – which was dulled somewhat by their being mostly underwater in that part of the ship.

"Blast!" Jack exclaimed in anger, "Devils sail these waters… I told those bastards to douse the lamps, we could have sailed through the storm unseen…" He turned to leave, Read at his heels as the second most concerned about what was going on upstairs. But Bonny's crush worked to their advantage; she lagged behind, taking an extra few moments to scrutinise them all before they'd be thrown into the sea later that night. As soon as she also went to follow, the pirates raging above, Clara called her back.

"Wait, Annie," she said, reaching an arm towards her through the bars. 'Annie'? "You're not really going to let him throw us overboard, are you?" she asked, "Not me, surely?" Clara left her hand outstretched towards Anne Bonny.

"Jack's right. You're useless to the ship."

"To the ship, maybe, but not to you," said Clara.

Anne smiled, "I've got Mary and Rackham." Apparently polygamy was very fashionable in that century, or something. "And you've got a husband."

"I care more about not drowning out here than I ever could about him," said Clara. She had better have an actual plan, other than becoming Anne Bonny's consort and taking to a life of piracy. The ruckus continued on the upper decks, keeping Anne's attention split. "You wouldn't even give me a chance? Don't pretend there's nothing between us – you feel it. And I know you'll never forgive yourself if you let me drown without a taste." It was almost more than Martha could stomach, but Clara finally persuaded Bonny to approach, close enough to get an arm around her waist and pull her quickly right up against the cell front. Martha looked at Amy as if to ask, 'What the hell is going on?' and Amy only shrugged, equally baffled. They weren't going to start getting off with each other, were they? And then Bonny went in to kiss her, Clara keeping a firm hold around her middle with the one arm she could get through the bars.

"BONNY!" boomed Calico Jack's voice from above. Bonny stopped right as Clara braced herself.

"Sorry," she said, smirking, "That sounds important."

"I'm not going anywhere," Clara grinned right back, detaching her arm from Bonny but maintaining her sultry tone of voice. Thinking herself a master seductress (even though it had really been Clara's ploy), Bonny slunk away, carrying her lantern aloft. When she smiled back at Clara, Martha saw that she really did have more than a few black or missing teeth. As soon as she'd disappeared, Clara coughed and covered her mouth with the back of her hand, visibly appalled.

"Having fun there, are you?" Amy asked her with a note of distaste.

"I hope you lot appreciate everything I do for you – I might have had to kiss her," Clara said angrily, "Her breath is rancid. And if I was going to cheat on my husband, I'd rather do it without four gossipy witnesses…"

"Why do it then?" Martha asked.

"Because she has a set of keys," Clara said, "Weren't any of you paying attention?" she held up her hand, the one she'd had looped around Bonny, and showed off a rusty keyring she'd just stolen. It must have been hanging from her belt, but it was too dark down there for Martha to have spotted them. "Here I'm the only one being bloody proactive…"

"So you really will try to shag your way out of anything," Amy quipped.

"I just think if it's a choice between me sleeping with her or all five of us dying, I'd rather sleep with her. I feel like the Doctor could even find it in his hearts to forgive me. I'd be a hero," she argued while fumbling with the keys, trying to find which one of them worked in the lock.

"I've seen Jenny pull that exact same stunt, you know," Donna mused, "The day she was born. Although, she actually did kiss him. And she stole his gun and threatened to shoot him if he didn't let us out, instead of stealing the keys."

"I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Oh, we can see that," Amy muttered. Martha took it upon herself to go and wake up Rose, who really had drunkenly passed out on the floor.

"Can one of you help me? She's heavier than she looks," Martha bade.

"Did you say I'm fat?" Rose slurred, waking up as Martha dragged her to her feet by her elbow.

"No, you're drunk," Martha told her while Clara fumbled around with the lock on the door. "Somebody? Some help?" Donna finally took pity on her and came to lift Rose up by her other arm. Surely, as the best man at her wedding, lugging her around was much more Donna's responsibility than Martha's. And then she got an idea. "You know, carting her around isn't good for me. In my condition."

"Playing the baby card?" Amy asked.

"Without any powers, it's the only card I've got."

"I'll help you once I unlock the door," Clara promised. She was worryingly close to dropping those keys.

"No, it's fine," Amy sighed, "I'll take her off your hands… but you can have her back if she's about to puke. You should get used to people throwing up on you anyway, with a baby on the way."

"Hopefully when the baby throws up it won't be ninety-percent blue lagoon," Martha muttered, ducking away from Rose to pass the burden of hauling her around to Amy. It was almost jarring to talk about it suddenly so openly, with such surety; when the baby throws up, like the baby really existed, and was going to be born, and raised, and would vomit (as they were known to do.) Clara succeeded in unlocking the gate to their cell, finally finding the right key.

"What's our plan now?" Donna asked, she and Amy carrying Rose by either arm as Clara held open the gate.

"Steal some weapons? Threaten them until they take us back to Nassau?" Clara suggested.

"I can't help but think it might have been better to wait in the cell until we arrive at this mysterious island," Martha sighed, now rethinking their jailbreak.

"Wait for them to throw us over the side, you mean?" Donna said.

"But this is only accelerating the process…"

The lower decks were all but deserted, not a single pirate left down there to cook or man the cannons or mind the rum –whatever it was pirates spent their time doing, certainly not guarding their prisoners. Everybody had flocked to the main deck, going the same route the five of them were going now. Whatever was going on was just that important or exciting, and they went completely unchallenged when they finally reached the top of the ship. It was being battered by the storm, rain lashing down around them – but what they saw couldn't be denied: docked alongside, leering crew with cutlasses drawn and ready to pounce on Calico Jack's gang of misfits, was a monstrous, glowing ghost ship. And upon closer inspection, all of the sailors were glowing, too, bright white; spectres. Martha really thought she'd seen enough ghosts already that week.

"Holy shit," Clara said, gawking.

"Whassat?" Rose slurred, squinting at it. Amy nearly dropped her.

"You'll never beat us to the treasure! You're wasting your time!" Calico Jack yelled at the captain of the ghost ship.

"Fucking hell," Amy's eyes widened, "That's – it's – that's the Queen Anne's Revenge!"

"I think it might actually be the ghost of the Queen Anne's Revenge, and crew," Clara corrected over the wind.

"What's the Queen Anne's Revenge?" Martha asked her two pirate-literate friends.

"Blackbeard's ship, ran aground in 1718," Amy explained.

"Blackbeard!?"

"Aye, that's my name!" Blackbeard himself, an enormous man with a ridiculous hat and thick, black beard with smoke streaming out of it, boomed. Other members of the crew turned to look at them, including an aghast Anne Bonny. Bonny quickly checked her belt for her keys, then realised Clara was holding them up smugly. "I'll sink the William if it's the last thing I do, Rackham! You're no match for me." The only part of the Revenge that wasn't white was its enormous, shredded, black sails; it was certainly much more formidable than Calico Jack's boat.

"Hold on…" Amy began, "I'm not sure that this is-" She was interrupted by what was, unmistakably, the boom of a cannon. Going by the way the William rocked suddenly, it was one of Blackbeard's cannons, and they'd just been hit. Shit.

"Bastard!" Jack yelled over the thunder at Blackbeard, "Man the cannons!" Martha couldn't imagine they had an awful lot of cannons, certainly not compared to Blackbeard's monster frigate.

"I'll get to the Forgotten Island! I've come back from the grave to claim the power of this treasure, and no privateer like you is going to stand in my way!"

Calico Jack tried to spit at him for that, but the Revenge was a bit too high and the wind a bit too strong for it to do much good. Behind him, the crew had scarpered to their battle positions, a few of them scrambling off downstairs to get to the cannons.

"This is bad," said Martha. Then Blackbeard yelled and raised his sword, indicating to his own ghost crew to jump from the deck of the Revenge onto the William to butcher and plunder them before the ship sank. "This is really bad."

"Yep, it's pretty fucking bad alright," Clara said, "Wish you'd let me smoke my cigarette now. Use my dying breath for something pleasurable. God, maybe I should have slept with Anne Bonny…"

"Yeah – forget about that – what's our plan?" Donna implored, backing away with Rose from the battling pirates surrounding them, "Before she comes and murders you for stealing her bloody keys," she nodded at Anne Bonny, who was advancing.

"I think we'd better just take our chances…" Amy said, glancing backwards at the dark, stormy sea, "At least we've all established we can swim?"