AN: I am returning from hiatus! I have no idea how frequently I'll be able to update this last storyline, but it's all planned in its very intricate entirety so I will get through it. Feel free to leave a review (please!) In the meantime, I have a new Retrograde storyline on-going right now about killer trees from outer space, and then AFTER that is the crossover with the Other Thirteen, Ryan, Yaz, and Graham, which is shaping up very well in my initial drafts and they are all much friendlier than Twelve ever was. I also updated Jenny Who?, finally, so if you haven't seen that and are interested in knowing the ins-and-outs with what happened between her and her oft-mentioned ex-girlfriend Astrid, then all the details are now available in "Kitlzer II". Finally, I'm also currently working on a Spooky Hollow update that I predict will just been one chapter instead of the usual two, involving a missing dog that might not be what it seems.

-Wedding Crashers-

Desk Job

"Sparrow… no, not – Sparrow. Like the bird? S-P-A-R-R-O-W?"

"Do you mean 'Swallow'?"

"No, I don't-"

"A swallow is a bird."

"So is a sparrow! They're very common, they live on every continent, and I'm telling you, I have a room booked under my name," Sally persisted this circular argument with the check-in clerk, who was incapable of finding her name on a computer database.

"What's the first name?"

"Sally."

"Is that short for something?"

"No, for the dozenth time, it's not short for anything – what would it possibly be short for?"

"I have a cousin called Sarah, and we call her Sally."

"Well, my name isn't Sarah, and that's not short for anything because it's the same number of syllables. Look – try, uh, Drummond. D-R-U-"

"I can spell 'Drummond.' It's not here, either." So she could spell 'Drummond' but not 'Sparrow'? 'Drummond' was the name everybody misheard. Esther once tried to order a takeaway over the phone and it came to the name of 'Nasty Drumsticks.'

"Are you sure?"

"Is that your name?"

"No, but have you double-checked? There's no rooms booked under 'Drummond'?"

"Ma'am, there's a queue forming." There wasn't anybody behind her.

"But you haven't given me my room key, so I don't know where you expect me to go to get out of the-"

"Do you have any free rooms left?" A young man interjected, approaching the desk somewhat awkwardly and fumbling with a plastic bank card. He kept bending it like he was about to break it.

"Plenty," said the clerk, "It's December. How many visitors do you think we get out here in Middlesex in winter?"

"Then I'll pay her for her room," this good Samaritan offered, much to Sally's surprise.

"Not to shirk your charity," said Sally, "But I need a twin room, specifically."

"I know that – for Esther," he said, surprising her once again. Should she know him? The girl at the desk was more than happy to book an entirely new room under Sally's name and had sorted it out in a jiffy. She handed Sally a bland, plastic key-card after the stranger had used an American Express card to book it for her.

"Thanks…" she said, perplexed.

"Don't worry about it," he said, then turned to the clerk himself. Sally stepped aside to wait for Esther to arrive since she had all their bags and all of Sally's camera equipment in the back of the car, which she'd taken to go get petrol while Sally sorted the room key. It had taken her so long to do that that she was expecting Esther at any minute. "Do you have a room for 'Adam Mitchell'?" he asked. That was when Sally realised who he was and why he had helped her, but she had to wait for him to finish getting his key-card (of course he had a room, even though Sally was literally being paid to be there) to talk to him again. With him he had only a backpack slung over one shoulder and a dry-cleaning bag folded nearly over one arm. He was handed two key-cards by the receptionist.

"We've never met properly," Sally said, cornering him once he'd retrieved the keys. He was wearing smudged glasses, didn't meet her eyes, and looked like he'd spent a lot of time on his hair to make it coif. "I'm Sally, but I'm sure you already heard me saying my name a million times just then…" she cast a glare at the indifferent receptionist. "You're Oswin's boyfriend, right?"

"Oh, yeah," he said, "I'm just waiting for her now, she was helping Nios with something." Sally didn't know Nios.

"I think I've overhead your speaking nerd with Esther while she plays her games."

"Probably. I hope it doesn't bother you."

"No, not at all," she said, amused by how awkward he was in every manner of his being. She may not have met him before, but she had spent more than enough time with Oswin, and the contrast between the two of them was alarming. He was quiet and unbearably polite, while Oswin was crass and constantly inappropriate. Maybe opposites really did attract, after all.

"Where is Esther, anyway?"

"She's getting petrol, she won't be long," Sally said, "No idea why you lot couldn't whisk us down here in the TARDIS, but apparently we had to drive the whole way. It's lucky Esther's American and has absolutely no perspective on what 'long' and 'short' car journeys are… it's strange we've never met, when you think about it."

"I don't think I'm very interesting to meet anyway," he said.

"Why's that?"

"Well, I'm just, uh…"

"Fuck me! The two sexiest people alive standing right next to each other. Nios, hold me, I'm about to cum so hard I die," Oswin came in through the automatic doors. Sally was taken hugely by surprise to see Oswin in a wheelchair now. She seemed to lose more of the use of her legs every time they met. It wasn't as futuristic a wheelchair as she would expect from Oswin, though. The other girl with her, who Sally deduced must be Nios, was having to push her, holding another bundled up dry-cleaning bag under her arm.

"How could I hold you?" Nios quipped, "You're already sitting down."

"It's a figure of speech," Oswin argued.

"What's with the wheelchair?" Sally asked.

"It's actually incredibly rude and offensive of you to ask."

"…Right, but, really?" Sally was sure Oswin was joking.

Oswin didn't get the chance to answer Sally's question, however, because Esther finally showed up.

"Did you get the keys?" she called over.

"I got one key," said Sally, "Rose forgot to book a room for either of us, Adam had to pay."

"Aw, babe, you paid for Sally's room? I would've just invited her to sleep in our bed," Oswin remarked, craning her neck to see over her shoulder as Esther approached.

"It's nice to know I won't enjoy my time at a four-star hotel too much with you around," Sally quipped.

"You underestimate the amount of enjoyment I'm capable of instilling in other women," Oswin said, "And when I say 'me', I mean my tongue. Specifically. Anyway – hi, Esther! I've missed you while you've been flirting with my boyfriend during those online matches."

"I don't, uh… I mean, I wouldn't – he's-"

"Oswin, be nice," Adam said.

"I don't mind," Oswin argued, "You two are my dream couple. Honestly. I hardcore ship it."

"You should spend less time on the internet," Nios said.

"The only couple I ship more than Mitchell and Esther is you and Dr Death, so if I were you I'd be quiet, Ni," said Oswin. Sally hadn't a clue who 'Dr Death' was or what this meant, but it got Nios to shut up.

"I have your key, by the way," Adam said to Nios in the brief pause, holding it out to her, "Rose booked your room in my name, since you don't have a surname…"

"You don't have a surname?" Sally frowned.

"Nios is a synth," Oswin said, "A humanoid AI. From the near future. Isn't that just the sexiest thing you've ever heard? Makes me creamy."

"Dear lord…" Sally said, mostly to herself. Why did she have to have the displeasure of being acquainted with Oswin Oswald? And how did Oswin have such a nice, compassionate boyfriend?

"You should, like, come up with a name," Esther said, "Something cool. Make it your own."

"Or you could just marry Cohen and take her name?" Oswin suggested.

"What's with the wheelchair, anyway?" Esther asked.

"How nice of you to ask – Sally didn't have the courtesy," said Oswin, to Sally's annoyance.

"I literally asked right before she got here and you told me I was being offensive!"

"Maybe if you had an American accent I would've answered you."

"Everyone knows American accents are the worst accents," Sally said, "No offence, Esther." Esther shrugged, unfazed. She was probably used to it; she was American, after all, which was terribly unfortunate for her.

"I just got sick of limping," Oswin said, "It's not exactly comfortable. And if have to spend all day tomorrow interacting with people and trying to behave myself, I can't be bothered struggling to walk at the same time. I'm in the middle of designing, like, a super fancy one, but apparently Rose doesn't want to postpone her wedding for my benefit. So, are we going upstairs, or just hanging out in this lobby? We could go fuck each other, that'd be fun."

"Can't see that happening, somehow," said Sally.

"Why? Is there something wrong with your eyes?"

"I'm gonna go get my stuff. Are you coming, Esther?"

"Sure. By the way, I'm hardcore vibing with that coat," she told Adam Mitchell as she turned to leave, "All you need is white hair and your cosplay is complete."

"Oswin has a point about the flirting," Sally commented.

"Do you know how expensive those replica coats are?" she challenged, "And the character – Nero – has this sweet robot arm he uses to fight demos. Hence the vibing." Outside it was dark and freezing. At least Esther managed to get a good parking spot, the Mini Cooper was relatively close to the door. "What do you think of Adam, anyway? I remember you saying before you've never met him. You know he owns CyTech? The cyber security company? That Tesla is his," Esther pointed out another car in the gloom. To Sally's untrained eye it just looked like any other flashy sports car.

"They're a strange couple."

"I've actually heard a rumour that she's a lot more bearable when she's around him. Besides," Esther said, opening the car boot, "She's nice, in her own way, y'know? She does a lot for other people. She made those glasses he's wearing for him, because he's colour-blind… Sal?" Esther looked up when she took her bag out of the boot; it wasn't so big because they were only there in the hotel for two nights. "Sally?" Sally was staring off into the woods over Esther's shoulder, with an expression on her face like she'd just seen a ghost. "Hey, what's the matter?" Esther nudged her shoulder. She startled Sally.

"Did you see that?" she asked, pointing towards the woods. Esther followed her hand but couldn't detect any movement. Just trees and darkness.

"I don't see anything."

"I thought I saw… I don't know, something move. A person, or…"

"Probably just an animal. I guess it's a 'blink and you'll miss it' type of situation, huh?" Esther half-joked. Sally didn't say anything. She finally regained enough composure to retrieve her bag and equipment, though she continued to look haunted. Esther wasn't sure what had happened – what had she seen in the woods? "…I'll carry that." She took a tripod from Sally. Sally wouldn't let her touch the actual cameras because she was worried about what effect the electricity would have, but there was no danger of electrically damaging the tripods.

Upon re-entering the hotel lobby, they found Adam, Oswin and Nios were still there, only now they were engaged in animated conversation with a very panicked Tenth Doctor.

"It's just – I can't get them right! I don't know what to put! The Doctor – the other Doctor – he's always so… you know, eloquent, when he says stuff about Clara, but what do I say about Rose!?" he panicked.

"I wouldn't say he's particularly eloquent," said Oswin, "Last week he told her he hoped she choked to death on all that mayonnaise she puts on everything."

"Maybe I should say that to Rose."

"No," said Adam, "I don't think you should tell Rose you hope she chokes to death on mayonnaise, to be honest."

"Sally!" he exclaimed when he spotted her, though she was suddenly not in the mood to talk, "You were married, weren't you?"

"No."

"What about Larry?"

"Larry who dumped me just a few weeks before our wedding?"

"Did you write your vows?" he said, coming up to her and completely eliminating her personal space, which she very evidently was not in the mood for.

"We, uh, decided not to write personalised vows. Just use the ones they give you."

"Surely that doesn't bode well for your future as a couple, though."

"Did you miss the part of the story where he dumped me?" she snapped. Ten froze. "I'm going to find my room. I wouldn't worry too much about the vows." She headed off towards the stairs, not waiting for Esther.

"Hey," Oswin hissed, "She okay?"

Esther paused, "…I'm gonna go with her. I'm sure she's fine. I'll see you guys tomorrow, though. What time is breakfast?"

"Starts at eight, apparently," said Adam.

"The ceremony is at one," Ten added. At least he knew something about his own wedding. Esther nodded and took her leave, hurrying to catch up with Sally.

"I still can't believe that anyone would dump her," said Oswin once they were gone, "After already convincing her to plan an entire wedding."

"Don't you have any ideas? What if you two got married? What would you put in the vows?"

"I don't know – that we'll love each other forever, or something?" Oswin said, "I don't really picture us putting anything private in them. I've never liked the pomp and circumstance of weddings in general, and it seems embarrassing to have to talk about your feelings for another person in front of a massive room full of people." Not satisfied with this response, Ten turned his gaze on Adam.

"What she said," he mumbled.

"See? Me and Mitchell are on the same page."

"And me and Rose aren't? Do you think we're not on the same page?" Ten asked, alarmed. "What do you think, Nios? What if you got married?"

"Nios doesn't want to talk to you," Oswin said, attempting to save Nios from having to reveal anything personal to the Tenth Doctor, with whom she had next to no rapport.

"What? Why not? Everyone wants to talk to me! I'm brillaint!"

"No. She thinks you're an arsehole."

"Why does she think that!?"

"I don't know, maybe because you're being a massive arsehole?"

"Well – what about Flek? Didn't you ever talk about marrying her?"

"In the middle of a war while I spiralled into suicidal depression? No, funnily enough, it never came up," she said coldly. Even Ten could tell he had crossed a line with her. Adam crossed his arms and wished he could disappear.

"There you are! You have to stop running off," Jack shouted down the stairs as soon as he – and Donna behind him – discovered where Ten had got off to. It was as though the man had been reduced to a toddler. "We said we'd help you with your vows and your speech if you just-"

"I forgot about the speech! What am I supposed to say in my speech!?"

"Don't worry about that," Donna assured him, "Come back to your room, we'll get room service, go over everything. Trust your best man! And chief bridesmaid!"

"I just wanted some second opinions," he said, Donna taking his arm and dragging him away back up the stairs. Adam wished he and Oswin could go find their room, but they kept getting waylaid.

"My lot are getting here soon, could you stay and make sure they're alright? While I look after this one?" Donna asked Jack.

"Sure – but don't take your eyes off him."

"You look like you're having fun," Oswin said. Jack looked like he was having the opposite of fun.

"This is a nightmare," he lowered his voice, "The bride is completely knocked out because she's been binge-drinking all day, and it's taking everything we have to stop the groom from finding out what the bride has been doing. We have to keep telling him she's insisting on being 'traditional' and not seeing him before the wedding."

"So who's making sure she doesn't die in her sleep?"

"Mickey, Martha and Ianto are with her. Martha's about as happy about that as you'd expect, with Rose getting her and the baby kidnapped by pirates this morning. Mickey's only there because he doesn't want to leave Martha alone."

"Sounds like it's all coming along swimmingly."

"You know, you three are kinda weird. The two of you, letting her do all the talking," Jack glanced between Nios and Adam.

"Well, you know," said Adam, "She likes talking."

"Uh-huh. You're like a freaky family."

"We're the best kind of family. A family who has sex with each other," said Oswin.

"Emphasis on 'freaky.' Oh, but speaking of family," a group of newcomers Oswin didn't recognise arrived, "This is Donna's. I recognise Shaun – he's kinda tasty, right? Ianto will be jealous. Hey! Nobles and Temples! And Wilfred Mott, how could I forget? I've got your room keys already." Oswin had never had the pleasure of meeting any of Donna's family before. Or really anybody's family. She'd still never met any of Adam's family except for his sister.

"I don't think we've met," asked the woman, Donna's mother, obviously.

"Captain Jack Harkness, at your service," he said, holding out his hand for her to shake. She was mooning over him already. Typical. "I'm the chief bridesmaid to Donna's best man. Donna's just helping the Doctor out with something, told me to make you feel welcome. It's just this way." Jack hadn't realised that there was a storm on its way to hit him, though. A very small, very blonde storm with a taste for acts of extreme violent. Oswin didn't know what was on Jenny's mind, but she looked like she was going to punch Jack right in the face as she came running down the stairs.

"I need a word," she said seriously.

"Can it wait? I'm doing meet and greets. You're not exactly a priority." She put her hands on her hips. Oswin, observing, bit her lip.

"I bet she's gonna murder him again," she whispered to Adam and Nios.

"I just need to borrow the vortex manipulator, just for a second so I can go pick up Clara."

"Didn't you pick her up earlier when we were on the TARDIS?" Jack asked her. She stayed quiet, crossed her arms and looked at the floor, "Did you forget to go get her?"

"I've been busy baking that massive wedding cake all day, alright? I'll give you it back. And besides, you owe me, and not just for the cake," she said, looking into his eyes on the last few words. It was all she needed to say. Oswin was impressed she had managed to coax Jack into separating with his vortex manipulator, his most prized possession. He handed it over to her. "Thank you," she said curtly, then took her leave because she couldn't go teleporting around in the hotel lobby. Jack shook his head when she was gone.

"Just my ex-wife," he said.

"Aren't you gay?" Shaun asked him, perplexed.

"They're actually both gay," Oswin answered before Jack could.

"How does that work?" Sylvia asked.

"Clearly, it doesn't," said Oswin.

"Yeah, okay, that's enough from you," Jack said, "Be nice to Donna's family, don't freak them out with your usual incest talk."

"Here you were the one who brought incest into the equation," said Oswin.

"Why are you in a wheelchair now?"

"Oh my god. Because. I. Only. Have. One. Leg. Do people forget this?"

"This is Oswin," Jack decided to introduce her, "She's apparently a genius. This is Adam Mitchell-"

"My boyfriend," Oswin interrupted.

"-also a genius, allegedly. And Nios is… very antisocial." Nios did not say a word.

"I think I've heard Donna mention you," said Shaun, to Oswin.

"Is she the one who's insane?" Sylvia 'whispered.'

"Honestly," Wilf shook his head, "What would you go saying a thing like that for with her right there?"

"It's fine, I don't mind," said Oswin, "Yes, I am very much insane. Well, you say insane, Martha says I have 'bipolar disorder' with 'dissociative tendencies' and 'suicidal ideations,'" she did inverted commas for every diagnosis she had been given, so kindly, by Martha. "But that's just a load of boring words."

"Do you want to go upstairs now, babe?" Adam asked her.

"I've wanted to go upstairs for, like, at least fifteen minutes," she said.

"Well, it was nice to meet you," said Sylvia.

"It's never normally nice for people to meet her," quipped Jack.

"You're just jealous of my charisma and natural charm. And I have far superior bone structure to you, in my face."

"You take that back," he said.

"Pfft. I will not. It's pretty obvious that out of the two of us, my skeleton is the most fuckable."

"You don't wanna talk to her anymore, let's go upstairs and find Donna, c'mon," Jack hurried them away as quickly as he could, before she said something else they weren't prepared to hear.

"Bye! I'll come and talk to you tomorrow!" she promised brightly, waving at them.

"You don't mind me pushing you, right?" Adam asked.

"What? No, it's fine," she said, "I'll hold your suit for you." He handed her the dry-cleaning bag he'd been carrying and then took the handles on the wheelchair.

"How does Jenny forget to go and get Clara?" Nios asked, taking out her phone, "How do you forget your own girlfriend?"

"Clara's just got one of those faces," said Oswin, "Forgettable."

"Ha, ha… oh my god," she exclaimed once she'd checked her phone, "She said she's 'looking forward' to seeing me next! What does that mean?"

"It means she fancies you, idiot," said Oswin as Adam pressed the button to call the lift. "How do you not get that yet? She is into you. Big time. She wants to make you her main squeeze once the two of you marinate enough."

"'Marinate'?" Adam asked.

"Like, hang out. You know what I mean."

"Nobody's ever phrased it like that before."

"I consider myself a pioneer when it comes to phraseology, teddy-bear." He grimaced when she called him 'teddy-bear' again, but she thought he was getting used to it.

"Well, what do I reply?"

"Ask her out again, or something," said Oswin, "Get that third date written on your proverbial calendar."

"…I'll think about a good response…" she said, staring at the phone screen. The lift door slid open and Adam wheeled Oswin inside.

"I'm gonna design myself such a cool wheelchair, you'll see. I'm gonna make it look like a Dalek to really mess with the Doctor. It's gonna be hilarious."

"It'll mess with me, too, to be honest," said Adam, "The day I met the Doctor there was a whole thing with a Dalek…"

As the door slid closed it cut off their conversation, leaving the desk receptionist very confused about what she had just witnessed in that hotel lobby.