-Wedding Crashers-

Good Night

"Tell me the truth," the Eleventh Doctor asked Clara, leaning on the doorway while she got undressed so that she could put on pyjamas, "What do you really think about this wedding? I know we were drunk for our wedding – but the next one, the one we're planning now – you wouldn't go binge drinking the day before that, would you?"

"Why should I?" she asked, "We're already married and living together. I'd have no anxieties to numb with the elixir of alcohol. We don't have to do the whole thing where we stay apart the night before, do we? Seems pointless and stressful. If I did have any, I don't know, jitters, I'm sure they'd be quelled by having you there."

"Yes, right," he said, his attention sapped by the fact she was hardly dressed. Not that it lasted for long, she threw on her pyjamas very quickly and then sat down on the bed. It was quite a nice hotel, in all – better than The Dolphin they'd stayed at in Blackpool, and hopefully without the threat of a strange boy proposing to his wife in the middle of the night – and he couldn't say he was too bothered about having to stay there that night. Even if he did think it was ridiculous, since the TARDIS was only hidden in a supply cupboard on the ground floor. "No, sorry, I wasn't listening – is that what you want? You don't want a big, traditional wedding?"

"It's stupid," she said, "Being apart the night before, it's just some carry over from olden times when sex before marriage was basically illegal and women didn't have any autonomy. Look, I guess… I still wouldn't want you to see the dress beforehand, not that I even have one yet, just a few in mind. But I don't want to sleep on my own. Anyway, let's not think about that, it's not until next October. Those two have thrown this together in basically a month. What do you think about this wedding?"

"I don't see how my thoughts are relevant."

"You asked me, so now I ask you. That's fair. I'm not gonna tell them what you say."

"What makes you think I have anything bad to say?" She raised her eyebrows at him. "Alright, fine," he left the bathroom doorway, shutting the door behind him and coming to join her on the bed. He hadn't taken his shoes off, though, so just sat on the edge of it next to her legs. "I think there are a lot of signs that perhaps this isn't the best course of action."

"Signs like what? Like her getting completely wasted at ten in the morning the day before her wedding? Or do you mean like, how she was married to duplicate of him she then threw away like a used napkin when she could get back the original? How she basically cheated on her last husband with the original and then lied about it for weeks?"

"All of those things, I think, are important," he nodded.

"As far as Doctor-companion relationships go, I sort of think we're faring better," said Clara, "We don't really argue. I don't think we do, at least. When did we last have an argument?"

"Oh, I don't remember. We normally just talk about things. It's a terrible thing they do on your planet, the normalisation of constant arguing between couples."

"So you've told me before. Besides, Thirteen still seemed fond of me when she came back from the future, and she had all those wedding rings on," said Clara.

"What if that means all our weddings our terrible, so we just keep redoing them to no avail?"

She shrugged, then smiled at him, "So long as we're happy to keep redoing them, what does it matter? I'm not even that fussy."

"Are you sure? You can't decide on a venue."

"Dad really wants me to get married – or remarried, I suppose – in the same church in Blackpool he and my mother got married in. But I feel weird about churches."

"I can't say I think much of your churches, you know, as an alien. Except for the architecture."

"I can't say I think much of them either, you know, as a queer. Honestly, it's fitting that Ravenwood is a vampire, I already implicitly assumed that I'd burn up if I stepped foot inside a church," she said.

"When were you last in a church?"

"God knows."

"He most certainly does." She gave him a look.

"If he wanted me to go to church more he should have made me less gay," she said, "As it stands, I've slept with a lot of women, which I hardly think is my own fault." He smiled while she talked.

"Did you have fun with the pirates today, then?"

"What, being kidnapped, shipwrecked, kidnapped, almost eaten, kidnapped, and then tricked? By your, bloody… I don't even know what to call her. She thinks you're her boyfriend, or girlfriend, or something." She'd showered twice upon getting back to the TARDIS to get the seawater out of her hair.

"Mm, well… I'm glad I wasn't there. Did she really just teleport you?"

"Yes. We were meant to be getting lunch today, there's no way I'd pass up lunch to go get kidnapped by some Poundland version of Anne Bonny who kept trying to touch me up. And she had really bad breath. I'd much rather you touch me up."

"Oh, would you now?"

"Absolutely."

"Not too tired from your adventures?"

"Very tired from my adventures, but I'm planning on getting completely pissed tomorrow, so don't count on getting lucky with me until my hangover's passed, at least. Now or never, Chin." He laughed.

"I suppose, when you put it that way-" he had begun to lean into her, and her right back, but they were callously interrupted by someone knocking on the door and then very rudely barging their way in. The Tenth Doctor, of course, sonicking their door – which Eleven was sure he had locked, because he had very much been hoping Clara might be in that kind of mood.

"I need your help with…" Ten began, but stopped dead halfway to their bed, "Am I interrupting something?"

"We were kind of about to have sex, so yes, you are," said Clara, crossing her legs. She was just as annoyed as Eleven.

"Oh, really?" he looked at Eleven like he thought Clara might not be telling the truth.

"Yes," said Eleven, highly irritated, "So go away, and don't come back."

"But it's important. I need to write my vows, I don't know what to put in them."

"Rose won't care," said Clara.

"She will!" he protested.

"Fine! What are you thinking of saying?" Eleven asked, thinking Ten would leave faster if they helped him. And Clara was very good with words (as was he), so they could probably clear this up in no time at all.

"I don't know," said Ten.

"Helpful," said Clara dryly.

"Just write something from the hearts. Tell her, I don't know, that you haven't noticed the beauty in the stars anymore because you're… too busy noticing the beauty in her. But not that, the phrasing is off," said Eleven, "Plus, I had Clara in mind when I said it just now, so Rose would probably get annoyed if she found out your vows were written about Clara."

"How will she find out?"

"I'll tell her."

"Please, please, just help me."

"Google a template and switch the words around a bit," Clara said, "Just tell her some shit about how she completes you and is your best friend and longtime companion. Except maybe not 'longtime companion,' that's what the papers used to call the partners of people who died of AIDS in the 1980s."

"There, see? It's not very hard."

"Could you write them for me?" he asked Clara.

"No! I'm busy trying to get a shag. And frankly, I don't care."

"How can you not care!? Rose is your best friend!"

"I don't think she is, somehow. I mean, don't get me wrong, obviously I'd sleep with her if I got the chance," said Clara, the 'Oswin' parts of her personality coming out, "But I'm pretty sure I'm her least favourite person probably ever. And Oswin's my best friend."

"What if you had to pick a second best friend?" Ten challenged.

"Erm… my husband?"

"A third best friend."

"Martha."

"Fourth?"

"Oh, I don't know… probably Jenny. She's sort of in love with me. And then it'd be Adam, after that. Then Esther. And Jack."

"What about me?"

"I don't think you rate, to be honest," said Eleven, "Now. Please leave. We're very busy. We're already married, see." He pushed Ten out of the room, steering him with his shoulders. Clara might have given a sly, telekinetic helping hand. Eleven finally succeeded in kicking his other self out of the room, then held the door closed while Ten banged on it for a while longer begging to be let back in. It was very funny watching the two of them fight over the door.

Clara got up from the bed to pick up the wooden chair at the small table against the wall, taking it over to Eleven to wedge it under the handle.

"Here," she said. It served its purpose and stopped Ten from getting back in. They both listened until they were sure he'd left. "God. He's unbelievable."

"I know."

"Do you want to come to bed and try to forget about him? That mattress is enormous and very bouncy," she said.

"You're not very subtle, you know."

"I'm not trying to be subtle," she shrugged, "We'll have to turn the lights off and be quiet, though. Just in case he comes back. Pretend to be asleep."

"Very good, very clever. Can't wait to marry you again."

"That'll depend on how good your vows are, won't it? Now come on," she took his hand to pull him towards the bed, "Let's try to have some fun before tomorrow…"

"No, I can't come for dinner," Oswin said, lying on the bed and talking on the phone. Adam Mitchell sat next to her, playing Pokémon, not paying attention.

"Why not?"

"Because I'm at this stupid wedding."

"What wedding? Whose? Not Flek's?"

"Of course not Flek's wedding, you know Eyeball dumped her? She's single again. You don't know any nice girls on Venus, do you, Fynny? Queer ones who'd be willing to relocate to Eslilia?"

"No, I don't – and why did she dump her?"

"I don't know. Because she's a prick, I guess."

"Did you do something?"

"No, I did not! And I really don't have any details. Why don't you ask Zalur? He might know. And Flek wants us to include him in things."

"Why does she care so much about our family?"

"Because she is family, stupid, just – oh, hold on," she grew distracted by what was going on on Adam's Nintendo DS screen, then whispered to him, "What one are you evolving?"

"It's Snorunt, he's turning into Glalie," Adam explained.

"He looks angry."

"He's an ice type. How's your brother?"

"He's fine, he's just being a dick, that's all."

"What did you say?" Fyn asked her.

"I said you're a dick."

"Takes one to know one."

"Well fuck you!" she exclaimed, then there was a pause and she settled back down. "You should talk to Zalur. I had to talk to him last." Fyn didn't say anything for a while, and when he next spoke he changed the subject away from Zalur to a different side of the family.

"Did you have fun babysitting Nalyt?"

"Yes, absolutely, I love him," she said, "I hate that he's gonna grow up and not be a cute baby anymore… it's when they start talking that the trouble starts."

"You're talking to someone with a six-year-old son."

"And you don't let me hang out with him!"

"Well, if you came and had family dinner-"

"Oh my god, Fyn, I'm not lying to you," she grew legitimately annoyed, "I would love to, but I'm literally at a wedding right now, I'm in a hotel, not even the TARDIS. You could always postpone or just have another one. It's only going to be you three, me and dad, right?"

"What about your boyfriend?"

"Oh, well, uh…"

"He still hasn't met dad."

"…I know that," she said awkwardly, fully aware that Adam could hear every word she was saying. And he didn't struggle with Pokémon enough to be completely focused on it.

"Is he even serious about-"

"Okay, you can stop now," she cut him off completely, "I've got to go."

"What? Why? I still have stuff I need to-"

"No, sorry. There's an emergency. Alien stuff. You know how it is. Let me know when you next want to have a family thing, and I'll try not to be at a friend's wedding." He kept trying to get her to stay on the phone, but he'd succeeded in actually pissing her off. "Bye, Fyn! Text me!" And she hung up, then immediately put her phone on do not disturb. Adam was looking at her.

"What happened there? Is there an emergency?" he asked her.

"Fyn thinks you're not serious about our relationship because you haven't met my dad yet," she told him truthfully. "Frankly, I don't think it's his place to question that, but… well, I'm not gonna lie to you about what he said."

"I did already say that I would come to Venus with you… to be fair, it took you a long time to build up the courage to go see him, and he's your dad," he pointed out. She just looked at him. "Okay, then. Next time Fyn calls you up, I'll go."

"You could bring Ellie."

"No."

"I haven't seen her for ages! She's fun."

"You have enough siblings."

"Can't have too many siblings, babe. Why are you so against us meshing our families together?"

"Maybe when we're engaged."

She laughed, "I don't think that'll be for ages, though. Too many weddings. Clara's apparently having another one, and then there's Jack and Ianto. Not to mention the baby."

He smiled, "I'm not really in a rush, I guess…"

"What do you mean? You don't wanna marry me? Wow. You're dumped."

"It wouldn't make any difference," he said, "We already, like, love each other, and live together, and share everything."

"We'll have a great wedding. We won't be dicks about it, like Ten and Rose are being. And we'll get married somewhere cool."

"Really? Where? Somewhere in the future?"

"I don't know. I'm kind of over views of outer space. We'll work it out. Has to be somewhere majorly epic, and weird."

"Are you not excited for tomorrow, then?"

"No. I don't even have the promise of free food and alcohol to get me through, because I can't eat or drink. I just have to sit there, sober, for hours, while they pretend like they're not both secretly dreading their own wedding…"

"You think they're dreading it?" Now he finally found a place to save and switch off his game, once Oswin was off the phone and he didn't need something else to do.

"Why else would she get that drunk beforehand? It doesn't bode well. And they argue all the time."

"Do you think they'll break up?"

"God, no, they're not the type. They'll just stay together because it's easier, secretly growing more and more resentful of one another," Oswin shrugged, "Wouldn't surprise me if in the future you never even see the pair of them in the same room while they insist they're just 'doing other stuff.' I'd put money on it. If I had any."

"That's not, um… the most positive attitude."

"Well, I'm annoyed."

"Are you? What did I do?"

"Not with you, teddy-bear, I couldn't be annoyed with you," she said, enjoying watching him flinch at the nickname. "With Rose, for taking everybody out like that. Martha's pregnant, for god's sake, and she knew that. It's a miracle she's alright. And Clara, she could have drowned, gotten lost in the sea somewhere – what would I do without Clara?"

"I'm sure Clara would be fine."

"I just worry about… what would happen to me if she wasn't around," Oswin admitted, "And she normally tells me when she goes out and exactly where she goes – and today, the mind-patch wasn't working, it was just blank, I thought – I thought she might be dead."

"Oh… she's just down the hall, if you want to go see her now?"

"I can't, I don't want to walk in on her while she's being screwed. Which she is being, at this moment."

"Always nice to know…"

"At least I know she's alright… forget about that. Get your game out again, I want to see all the cute pokémon. It'll make things bearable while we wait for the awfulness that tomorrow is going to be."

"I don't mind it," he said, turning on the DS, "I kind of like weddings."

"You mean you like free food."

"Yeah. It's the same thing."

"We're gonna charge people for food at our wedding."

"But then nobody will come."

"Good. Fuck them."

He laughed, "Okay, fair enough… wait til I show you which new pokémon I caught earlier…"

"Are you sure I'm allowed to be here?"

"On this roof? Probably not, but you said you didn't mind the heights, so-"

"I don't mean the roof," said Ravenwood, "I mean the entire wedding. Why did you pick me up so late?" They sat side by side on that cold, December night. They were far enough out of London that the stars were visible in the sky though, as the time drew closer to midnight. Just over twelve hours until the ceremony now, which Jenny was sure was going to bore her half to death. "Kind of felt like you wanted to rush me in without anybody else realising."

"That's not what happened… I just… had a brain fart. Forgot I had to go get you. And then I got to the room and I turned to talk to you, and you weren't there," she confessed. They definitely weren't meant to be on the roof, she'd had to unlock the door with the screwdriver, but there was little risk to them being there. There was no danger of Jenny falling off, and Clara, while clumsier, also had the advantage of being able to turn into a bat at will. She could just fly to safety. "Are you angry with me?"

"Furious," said Clara. Jenny looked over, away from the distant fields, and saw she was actually smiling. "It's fine, you've been busy all day with that cake, haven't you?"

"That stupid cake… it's, like, eight slabs of chocolate cake all stacked on top of each other. And then iced. And it was quite tricky to replicate the exact shade of blue with the food colouring."

"Was it too hard for you?" Clara asked. Jenny was affronted, scoffing.

"Nothing is too hard for me. It just took a while. And I made a secret, extra slab, too."

"Why?"

"Erm, because I wanted my girlfriend to try the amazing cake I baked and didn't know how much bridezilla would be willing to share. It's a really nice cake," she leant over to whisper, "It's in the hotel room. And I know how you like chocolate cake."

"I am so lucky to date someone who works in a bakery."

"I don't work in a bakery, Clara, I am a baker."

"I'll call you anything you like if it gets me free cake."

"You're gonna get sick of it."

"I doubt it, but we'll see. When are Sally and Esther getting here?"

"Oh, they're here already, I saw them earlier going to their room."

"Ooh, they're sharing a room? Do you know where it is?"

"What are you gonna do? Persuade them to invite you in? You know they won't." Clara pulled a face; it was true, hotel rooms were another place she needed to be formally invited into.

"Would you invite me in?"

"I'd invite you to do lots of things," she said, "Like share that cake with me."

"If you want to eat that cake so badly, why'd you bring me up to the roof?"

"Wanted to get away from everyone," she said, "The Tenth Doctor's been asking everybody for help with his vows, it's very annoying. And I don't like talking to him on the best of days. I think we'll be safe if we stay up here for a while, though. And it's a nice night."

"It's a cold night."

"It's clear. You can see the stars," Jenny said, looking up at the sky. On the rooftop, Clara shuffled closer and put her head on Jenny's shoulder. "You okay?"

"I'm fine. I'm excited about gorging on this cake with you until six in the morning. Are you staying up tonight?"

"I'm not gonna leave you awake and alone all night in this hotel," she said, "And you know I slept only a few nights ago, I was with you."

"So," Clara began, changing the subject, "You're officially moving to Hollowmire after this is done."

"Yep. You're not getting nervous, are you? Scared of the level of commitment I've got going on?"

"Oh, please, I bought you a separate set of drawers for yourself to go in my room weeks ago," she said, "And you have an entire shelf in the bathroom."

"You bought me a toothbrush before we were even together."

"I remember," she laughed, "It's the same one that's in my house now. But, no, I'm excited to be able to stay at yours instead of always being at mine. Now that you have a real yours. Your ship is like, flat-sized. I can be invading your space and leaving my stuff everywhere. You'll have to get me my own drawer."

"I would take great pleasure in that."

"Do you have keys?"

"No, it's got a bio-scanner. But yes, I will set it up to open for you, so you can let yourself in. Although, I'd advise against trying to fly it anywhere."

"Don't know where I'd fly it, to be honest. Depressing not having keys, though."

"I did get you that keyring," Jenny reminded her. Clara reached into her pocket and took out her keys to look at the keyring, the two metal hearts welded together with spare Porsche parts, Jenny was talking about, "There, see. Do you want another one? So your keys can feel more populated? I'll get one that looks like a UFO."

Clara laughed, "You're adorable.

"I should get you a keyring that looks like a tiny bat."

"Please do! We can match, it would be so annoying. Imagine Sally's face if we told her we had matching keyrings. Hilarious."

"She could always get me a keyring. I have a key to their house, after all."

"Why do you have a key to their house? What's the point?" she was amused, "You can't just go into houses."

"It's this one," Clara showed a generic house key to her, "I think it's if they lose one of theirs."

"Giving a vampire a key to a house she doesn't live in…" Jenny shook her head, "Ridiculous."

"So, wait, how do you expect me to get into your spaceship?" Clara questioned.

"You've got in before without being explicitly invited," Jenny pointed out, "Maybe because it's a mode of transport? Like, you don't need to be invited onto the bus, do you?"

"No…"

"Or because we're going out? How does it work?"

"You're asking me how it works? I haven't a clue," said Clara, "Why can't I listen to Christmas carols or cross running water? Or eat garlic? And how, exactly, does instantaneously turning into a bat work? It's all quite stupid. God knows how any vampire has ever managed to kill somebody with all these rules."

"Does it hurt to turn into a bat?"

"No, not really."

"Where do your clothes go?"

"These are the questions I'd love to ask whatever insane god created the vampires. Maybe I'll ask your dad, he might know."

"Maybe. We're on the same table tomorrow, I've seen the seating plan."

"What? We're all on the same table?" Clara was alarmed.

"Yep. You're between me and Adam."

"Wait – she's not put all three of us together?" she asked, meaning herself, Other Clara, and Oswin. Jenny nodded. "Great… can't wait to have to put up with that… maybe I can swap with someone and go sit next to Sally…"

"She won't be sitting down for long, she's doing the photos."

"I'll just have her whole seat then. Hang out with Esther."

"You know, if we do get married, they're all going to be your in-laws."

"Considering I have every intention of marrying you, that means I'm going to by own mother-in-law, which is an awful thought."

"Step-mother-in-law," Jenny pointed out, "At least you know you won't be one of those, like, really awful mothers-in-law. Although, technically, when the Doctor regenerates she'd be your mother-in-law, right? So you can forget about Other You entirely. I doubt she's going to start mothering you."

"She certainly mothers Oswin…"

"Well, that's different – they're weird, aren't they?"

"True."

"She'd be an aunt to both of us."

"Eurgh."

"And if she married Adam, he'd be our uncle. If we were married."

"I can't put up with this. I'm breaking up with you."

Jenny nodded, "Understandable. Wait until I tell you I'm from another planet, then you'll be really freaked out. To be honest, though, getting married almost always inserts you into a family of weirdos."

"So you think I have a family of weirdos?"

"Your dad told me all about catching you in bed with your first girlfriend immediately after I met him properly," Jenny reminded her, "And then he asked me how long I've known I was a lesbian for."

"Well, he gets confused about any sexuality that isn't, I don't know, mono. I've been telling him I'm bisexual for twelve years and he still can't fathom it, as a concept. But I've never been able to do algebra, so."

"I'd've thought you'd be good at that, it's got letters in it, too. And you like letters."

"Not when they represent numbers I don't. Aren't you cold?"

"A bit," Jenny said, wrapping her arms around her knees. Clara suspected she was more than 'a bit' cold since her breath was turning to fog in the air. "You're not helping, you're like an ice cube."

"It's a hard life being a walking corpse. Or, un-life."

"Nice. Vampire humour."

"Thanks. My dad thinks you're great, by the way. He's constantly texting me and asking me how you are and telling me to be nice to you so you won't leave me. He wants to know what we're doing for Christmas."

"What are we doing for Christmas?" Jenny asked, "It's in, like, two weeks. I totally forgot. Too caught up in this stupid wedding. Oh my god – it's going to be our first Christmas together. And my first Christmas with my dad. How strange."

"I suppose that's tomorrow's conversation at the table sorted out."

"We don't even know how much Christmas stuff you can cope with. What if you burned up trying to unwrap a present?"

"Christmas is very secular these days. It's not hard to have it and steer-clear of the religious aspects," Clara pointed out. "Luckily, they don't really celebrate Christmas much in Hollowmire. Because they're all an alien-worshipping space-cult."

"Makes sense."

"Are we really only up here so you can avoid the Tenth Doctor?"

"Clara. He's been very annoying. I'll text Donna and ask if they've managed to get him to stay in his room yet," she said, taking her phone out.

"I just don't want you to get too cold."

"Don't worry about me being cold. It's not that bad. It's mild."

"It's, like, two degrees."

Jenny shrugged, texting, "Mild."

"Is Rose paying for your room?"

"Yep."

"So…"

"What?"

"Is she paying for room service?"

"Room service?" Jenny asked wryly once she'd sent her text to Donna. "I assume it'll just get charged to whatever stolen credit card she used to book the room."

"We should order a load of stuff. I mean, not cake, obviously, because we have your wonderful cake, but I'm hungry. And you won't have to cook for once."

"I like cooking."

"I know, but I feel bad when you're always having to slave away in a kitchen. Plus, free hotel room service isn't an opportunity we should pass up."

"You've got a good point there."

"And what else are we going to do for the next, like, six hours?"

"I can think of lots of things. The bed's very comfy." Clara shook her head. Jenny's phone lit up. "Ah. Donna says she'd got him to stay in his room while she helps him with these vows."

"Can't they just use whatever the standard vows are? He doesn't have to write his own," said Clara. Jenny began to stand up. "Sick of stargazing?"

"Come on, before he starts wandering the halls again," she said, holding out a hand to help Clara to her feet. Clara didn't need to be helped to her feet but wasn't one to complain when Jenny decided to be gentlemanly. "Let's order the most elaborate menu possible. Seafood medley."

"Seafood? You truly are a woman after my own heart."

"Guilty as charged," Jenny took her hand and pulled her towards the door back into the hotel, "Time to waste as much of Rose's stolen money as possible."

AN: This chapter serves as a goodbye for what have become the three biggest ships (two of which were completely unpredictable, while Whoufflé were the whole reason I decided to write this epic saga at all); not to say there won't be minor bits of fluff with this group after this point, or that there won't be fluffy excerpts for other ships (stay tuned for Mickey & Martha, DrNios, perhaps even some Janto, among others) but this is the farewell chapter for Whoufflé, Adwin & Clarenny.

Also, review to let me know you're still here reading this!