DAY 163

Wednesday, 11th of December, 2013

-Wedding Crashers-

Morning Glory

That morning felt a little like Christmas morning. Not that there was much cause for any of them to celebrate – aside from the bride and groom, who were elsewhere – or even much to be excited about, just sitting around for hours, but there was something in the air that meant people decided to get up relatively early. The wedding ceremony wasn't due to start until one o'clock, but clusters of them started emigrating out of their bedrooms and down to the dining hall for their pre-paid breakfasts as early as eight. There was also the additional factor of there being basically nothing else to do in the hotel.

"When do you start getting morning sickness?" Clara asked Martha. She had just been outside and smelt of tobacco, which Martha found unpleasant while she tried to drink a cup of coffee and eat some cereal.

"Six weeks," she answered. She was paying attention to Clara because she was desperately trying to ignore what the Eleventh Doctor and Jenny were doing on the other side of the table, which was having some sort of bizarre eating contest with each other involving scrambled eggs.

"And how far along are you, again?"

"Almost five weeks."

"My sister had awful morning sickness both times she was pregnant," Esther said, overhearing them from where she was on the next table, leaning over the back of the seat to talk to them. Adam and Oswin were over there, with Sally Sparrow and Esther, while Mickey was on Martha's other side. Ravenwood was asleep and wasn't expected to resurface until mid-afternoon. Nios, clearly having nothing better to do, lingered nearby with her eyes glued to her phone. Martha wondered who she was so absorbed in texting all of a sudden.

"Do you have a sister?" Clara asked. Sally gave her a warning look Esther didn't see when she asked that question, but Clara obviously didn't know what that meant. Esther paused uneasily.

"She died, I'm sure I've said before," she said, while Sally continued to glare at Clara. Clara finally caught on to this.

"Oh, right… sorry."

"I can't say I'm excited for morning sickness," Martha grumbled.

"It'll be worth it, though," Mickey added.

"Easy for you to say – you're not pregnant. And besides, what if the baby grows up to be awful, or something? Then would it have been worth it?" she challenged.

"That won't happen," he said.

"How can you know?"

"Yeah," Oswin interjected, "By all accounts, Clara's parents were great. And look what they produced."

"Hey!" Clara protested, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You're faulty, aren't you."

"I'm faulty?"

"You are gay. That's a fault. Means you're broken, deep inside."

"Go away, Oswin. Why are you here? You can't even eat," Clara snapped at her.

"I'm keeping an eye on Esther. I don't trust her around my boyfriend without supervision." Oswin's boyfriend was currently very absorbed in a Nintendo DS, however, regardless of Esther's presence. Esther herself was not at all pleased with this remark either, visibly flinching. Adam Mitchell remained oblivious. "On the other hand, though, my mother was very emotionally abusive, and I've turned out fine. I'm a very well-adjusted person, with no underlying mental conditions whatsoever."

"Here we all are, trying to enjoy a nice breakfast…" Sally began.

"I'm doing people a public service," Oswin argued, "Stopping them from having to talk to you."

"Oh my god," Clara said suddenly, dropping her cutlery on her plate. Martha thought she was trying to prevent Sally and Oswin from bickering – because none of them wanted to put up with that – but she was, in fact, addressing Jenny and Eleven. "Either eat the eggs normally or don't eat them, the pair of you are making me sick." It was quite unpleasant having to see them shovelling eggs into their faces out of the corner of her eye. Eleven tried to say something but was rendered unintelligible by the food, then Jenny elbowed him and he started to cough. The scene ended with him spitting a globule of mushy egg onto his plate, which was one of the worst things Martha had ever seen. It made her push her plate away, while Mickey offered him a napkin. "Maybe I'm pregnant," Clara began, "Because I'm currently overwhelmed with morning sickness."

"I won, anyway," Jenny shrugged.

"I let you win," said Eleven, "You attacked me."

"Hardly!"

"I could have choked to death."

"I wish you had choked to death, the pair of you," Clara said.

"Choking," said Oswin, "Sounds kinky."

Esther bravely took it upon herself to change the subject. "So! How are the bride and groom? Anybody seen them this morning?"

"Rose is still asleep as far as I know," said Martha, "She's gonna have a killer hangover when she wakes up."

"Hangover?" Esther frowned, "She's been drinking? The night before her wedding?"

"You don't know the half of it," Clara began, leaning towards her and Sally on the other table, "Yesterday, she teleported us to Nassau in the Golden Age of Piracy. We only got abducted by pirates."

"You were loving it, Anne Bonny tried to shag you," Martha reminded her.

"It wasn't even the real Anne Bonny! And her teeth, and breath, eurgh," Clara shivered. "I wouldn't be surprised if Rose is still drunk when she wakes up."

"Pssht," Oswin hissed, "Buzzkill alert." That was her way of telling them the Tenth Doctor was approaching, who definitely didn't want to hear any speculation about the mental state of his bride-to-be.

"I bet he's gonna ask us about his vows," Clara whispered.

"Morning all!" he said, looking around for a chair to pull out. Unfortunately, the tables only sat five, so both of theirs were full. He resolved to just stand. "Mickey! You're married! What did you put in your vows?" Clara didn't say anything, but her expression was smug.

Mickey began seriously, "I put in my vows, that to make sure they were the sincerest vows possible, I'd never help anyone else write theirs."

"That's true," said Martha. It was not true. "He did say that."

"So, I can't help you," Mickey resumed, "Hands are tied."

"I'll help you," Oswin volunteered. Ten faltered.

"Uh…"

"Tell her you promise to penetrate-"

"No, actually, I'm fine," he cut her off.

"Are you sure?" she asked innocently, "There's loads yet. Don't you want to hear the butt stuff?"

"I don't think anyone does," said Sally.

"Jenny does, she loves all that," said Oswin. Jenny glared at her.

"Stop eavesdropping on my private conversations," Jenny snapped.

"Just use the normal vows," Martha advised him, desperately wanting to end this exchange between Jenny and Oswin, "Rose won't care."

"She will care!" Ten protested.

"You should've written them together if it's that important."

"But that would be cheating," said Ten.

"At what…?" Mickey asked uncertainly.

"The… wedding game."

"Right," Mickey nodded, "Course. That."

"You should go have a wank," Oswin interrupted again, "That'll calm you down."

"Look, Donna's just come downstairs," said Eleven, "Go and bother her."

"Donna!" Ten immediately shouted as Donna led her family into the dining area. She did not look happy about Ten accosting her as soon as she'd come downstairs, though. At least it was all going to be over that day.

"All jokes aside, I think he should have a wank," Oswin said.

"Mm," Clara murmured her agreement. Nobody else wanted to give an opinion on that, especially not Martha.

"This is the problem of trying to plan an entire wedding in one month," Mickey said.

"Maybe she's pregnant and that's why they're rushing?" Sally suggested.

"No," said Eleven, "Biologically impossible."

"And why would they have to have a shotgun wedding if she was?" Martha said, "We're not Victorians. Anyway, it definitely would've come up with me."

"Unless you're lying," said Sally, "Covering for her."

"After what she pulled yesterday? Trust me, I'm not."

"I like weddings," Adam Mitchell said, finally joining the conversation after turning off his game, "I wish this one looked like it was going to be more fun."

"Why don't you two get married, then?" Clara said, "Have a 'fun' wedding, for the benefit of all of us."

"That reminds me!" Jenny made a start, "Clara had a question."

"Did I?" Clara asked.

"Not you."

"She asked you to marry her!?" Oswin asked eagerly.

"No, not that, she graciously reminded me yesterday that Christmas is in, like, two weeks."

"Eurgh," said Oswin, "Christmas is never good."

"I agree with Oswin," said Eleven, "It doesn't bode well."

"I also don't like Christmas," said Sally.

"You're such a humbug," Esther quipped, "You guys should do a potluck. Because there's so many of you."

"I'll do the turkey," said Clara, to mass objections from everybody else within hearing range, "What? I know how to follow a recipe…"

"Absolutely not," said Eleven, Jenny nodding to indicate she agreed with her father. Clara crossed her arms and began to sulk.

"Fine. I suppose I can make eggnog."

"Have you ever considered that you might have an addiction to eggs?" Mickey asked her, "We've all seen you with the mayonnaise."

"This isn't a John Waters film," she quipped, "Egg addiction isn't a real thing."

"I think we should have a big Christmas!" Jenny decided, "I know I'm moving, and so are you two, but – well – we can still hang out, right? It's not really the end of anything."

"We already had fake Christmas earlier in the year," Adam pointed out. The group at large regressed to reminiscing about this fake Christmas, while Esther, thinking, had something else to say to Sally while she finished her almost-flavourless breakfast of porridge. Nios remained utterly absorbed in her phone and oblivious to what was going on around her.

"Y'know, this'll be my first Christmas after being broken out of UNIT containment," she said. "They used to give me turkey on Christmas day when I was locked in there, but it was always dry." Sally didn't say anything for a moment, eating a crumpet.

"Well, I'm sure you can spend it with Jenny," Sally said.

"What about you?"

"I just don't like Christmas much. It's too happy."

"It's 'too happy'?"

"Reminds me of what I don't have anymore," she said quietly so that nobody else overheard. Nobody did. Esther knew what she meant.

"Yeah… I always miss Sarah at Christmas. I used to cook, y'know, every year. I'd go over to her's and give her a break from always having to do everything for Alice and Melanie. I went over there as often as I could."

"…Do you know where they are now?" Sally asked, "Your nieces."

"Foster care. They're doing okay, I think? I don't know. I can't exactly go see them, but I think they're settled where they are. Got lucky with the placement, and they're still together. Honestly, it… might be better for them now. You have no idea what a nightmare convincing Sarah to get them vaccinated was, always trying to tell me 'but vaccines cause autism.'"

"What'd you say?" Nios suddenly looked up from her phone, so abruptly that Sally jumped. Nios didn't notice this.

"I was just talking about my sister almost becoming a hardcore anti-vaxxer," Esther said.

"Because of autism?"

"It's some ableist rubbish," said Sally, "Some disgraced doctor released a completely unfounded study that the measles vaccine might cause autism in the 90s."

"Facebook moms are all over it," Esther added, "It's terrible. They're ignorant not just to how vaccinations work, but they're being completely bigoted towards neuro-divergent people."

"Knows all the lingo," Sally quipped.

"Anyway, I was saying I managed to convince my sister to vaccinate her kids," Esther finished. Nios just nodded, perplexed, and then went back to her phone. Esther exchanged a look with Sally, which was when Oswin got sick of all the Christmas talk and diverted her attention towards them instead of what her boyfriend was talking about. She nudged Nios in the leg with her cane.

"How's Dr Death this morning?"

"…Fine," said Nios after a pause.

"Who's 'Dr Death'?" Sally asked.

"Just someone we know," said Nios, cutting across Oswin when she tried to talk.

"Someone Nios knows," said Oswin, "Whom she has a crush on. A reciprocated crush, I might add. I'm very invested in the whole thing." Nios glared at her. "Come on. I'm the one who pointed out she liked you!" Then she said to Sally, "You might know her."

"Might I?"

"Maybe Elliott's mentioned her."

Sally clenched her jaw, "I don't talk to him so much, you know."

"They work together, that's all," said Oswin, returning Sally's frosty tone of voice, "Cohen's the pathologist in Undercoll's morgue.

"Oh. I have heard about her, briefly," said Sally, "In so far as knowing her name and that she does the autopsies. And James finds it irksome that people prefer her Scottish accent to his Welsh accent – he's mentioned that a lot. In our limited communications."

"Limited. Sure. Keep kidding yourself," said Oswin, which just annoyed Sally even more. Esther knew that Sally did not like talking about James Elliott, but Sally wasn't a fan of ever really talking about herself, to anybody. Not that Esther was generally inclined to press her for information she didn't offer of her own accord. "Cohen has a very sexy accent, in fairness. Where's she from, again, Ni?"

"Glasgow," Nios muttered.

"Are you texting her everything I'm saying?" Nios did not respond. "Typical. There's no trust in our relationship anymore."

"Is she coming to the wedding?" Esther asked.

"No," said Nios, "She doesn't want to."

"Nobody wants to," said Oswin, "We're all in hell. The concept of existence is an interminable nightmare from which there is no escape."

"True," said Sally.

"What a fun breakfast we're all having," muttered Martha.

"Where's he going?" Eleven interrupted, nodding at Ten on the other side of the room. Ten appeared to be alarmed and got up from the table with Donna and her ilk after spotting something in the doorway. He backed away when three newcomers appeared. Where they struck sudden fear into the Tenth Doctor, however, their arrival was greeted joyously by Mickey, who almost knocked his chair over he stood up so quickly.

"Jake!" he shouted, waving, making Martha flinch with the sudden volume. Martha hadn't met Jake Simmonds before, but had heard plenty of stories about him from Mickey, during his time on a parallel Earth. He was accompanied by Jackie and Pete Tyler, already dressed for the day ahead. Distracted by Mickey, Ten managed to make a break for it and escape from the dining hall without them spotting him.

"He's unbelievable," said Eleven, "Hiding from his in-laws."

"You're not a huge fan of my dad, to be fair," said Clara.

"It's him who doesn't like me."

Jenny laughed, "Dave thinks I'm great."

"What!?" exclaimed Eleven.

"Don't worry about it," Clara advised him, "He's always hated my boyfriends. My girlfriends, though? He loves them. Jenny has a natural advantage in that regard. And eloping doesn't help the situation." Eleven was clearly very soured by this news, but Jenny remained amused and Clara somewhat ambivalent. Meanwhile, Jackie, Pete and Jake Simmonds made their way over to Mickey, who greeted them so warmly it might as well be his own wedding. Not that any of them had been able to come to his wedding.

"How did you get here from a parallel world?" he asked.

"Whatshisname with the coat came and got us," said Jake.

"Jack," said Mickey. Hardly surprising.

"Aye, him."

"He said he had to go keep an eye on Rose, though," Jackie said, "Where is she?"

"Sleeping off her hangover," Donna said, leaving her parents to come over and make introductions in lieu of Ten's escape, "I'm Donna, we've only met once, briefly, when the planet was invaded by Daleks."

"I remember," said Jackie.

"I'm the best man."

"I'm surprised they even chose a best man for this shambles," said Jackie. There went the worries that she wasn't going to take kindly to them berating Rose's wedding.

"Jackie," said Pete.

"What? It's true. Marrying the same man again in some fancy hotel? It's ridiculous. Who throws a man they've been married to for years out of the window like that, then cops off with his brother?"

"It was a door she threw him out of, I think," said Clara.

"And what about you?" Jackie turned her attention on Donna again, ignoring Clara, "Aren't you related to him, or something?"

"Yes, a bit," said Donna, "She sent him to Vietnam, actually, he worked as a fisherman for a bit. He's been living in my flat in London for a while now, though – but, Rose isn't supposed to know."

"She does know," said Martha, "She's known for ages. Time vortex, and stuff."

"I guess she just doesn't care, then," said Oswin, "Everyone knows clones aren't real people, anyway. Isn't that right, Jen-chan?"

"Call me that again, and I will kill you for good," Jenny threatened her, "And also, I'm not a clone. You, on the other hand, literally are a clone."

"That's the joke, Jen-chan. It's called sarcasm." Jenny was immediately enraged.

"Who are the rest of you, then?" Jackie asked, "I know Martha already, and…? I know I've met you, but…"

"I'm Clara," said Clara, "And yeah, we did meet."

"I was there," said Eleven, "She was being very irritating, I understand wanting to erase her from your memory. I wish I could erase her from mine." It was in that moment that Jenny, and Jenny alone, had a moment of sickening irony, remembering in an instant Thirteen's amnesiac tendencies thanks to drowning during her post-regenerative trauma; Clara would be erased from the Doctor's memory, more than once.

"That's the Eleventh Doctor," Donna refreshed Jackie's memory as she went around the table, and this was the first time Pete and Jake were meeting basically all of them, "That's Jenny, she's the Doctor's daughter, she was grown artificially in a machine-"

"Cloned," said Oswin.

"It's not cloning, it's a form of asexual reproduction. You know, like plants do. No offence, Esther," Jenny hastily added.

"None taken," said Esther.

"But you were grown in a machine?" Jake asked, squinting at her.

"Yes," she smiled, "Very quickly."

"That's Oswin, Clara's sister-slash-clone-"

"I prefer if you say sister-cum-clone, actually," said Oswin, "Y'know, because it has the word 'cum' in it, and cum is one of my favourite fluids to consume."

"Very sorry about her," Clara said, "We normally try to stop her from talking to people. I'd just avoid her at all costs, so she doesn't say anything else disgusting."

"The only time I stop talking is when someone puts something in my mouth," said Oswin, winking at Clara.

"See?" said Clara, "Disgusting. Don't speak to her. She's a maniac."

"Way to stigmatise the mentally ill," Oswin remarked.

"Whatever," said Donna, "This is Adam Mitchell, Oswin's boyfriend, he's not disgusting and also a billionaire."

"Actually, I'm a millionaire now," he said, "I've been trying to get rid of the money, donating it, increasing company wages. Hopefully, it'll all be gone soon, into charitable schemes."

"You can give me some money if you like," Sally offered.

"That's Sally Sparrow," said Donna, "She's the photographer, that's the only reason she's here."

"Thanks," said Sally.

"This is Esther, try not to touch her because she's electrified and might fatally electrocute someone – that's what happened to Clara's arm," Donna resumed, indicating Clara's left arm, which was still shiny and heavily scarred. "And that's Nios, she's…" Nios did not look up from her phone. Donna cleared her throat. "…Anyway. This is my mum, my grandad, and my husband."

"Nice to meet you all," said Pete.

"Shame it has to be for no good reason," said Jackie.

"And I got married!" Mickey announced, barely able to contain himself. Martha frowned.

"You got married five years ago," she said.

"Well – I haven't had a chance to tell them!" he continued.

"Who'd you marry?" Jake asked.

"Martha!" he pointed at her, almost hitting her in the face in his excitement. "And she's pregnant!"

"Just go telling everybody, why don't you?" There was a round of congratulations from both Rose's family and Donna's lot who were now listening to the larger conversation. "Thanks…" Martha said awkwardly, "But – my mum's coming to this today, and I haven't told her yet, so don't say anything, alright? Nobody."

"Rose is gonna be the godmother," said Mickey.

"We haven't decided that yet," said Martha.

"Who's the godfather?" Jake asked hopefully. Mickey's face fell.

"Oh. Jack, probably… maybe the baby can have two godfathers? You know, one for each universe?"

"We'll talk about it later," said Martha, "But, seriously, don't tell my mum, I'll tell her myself."

"How will we know who your mum is?" asked Jackie.

"I suppose because apart from me, Mickey and Donna's husband and my mother, literally every other person at this wedding is white," Martha pointed out. Jackie nodded.

"You can trust us with your secret," said Pete.

"Didn't know you had it in you," Jake said to Mickey, a bit of a backhanded compliment.

"What do you mean? Why not?"

"Just, uh…"

"Y'know, I never realised that Rose was keeping such a wank-worthy MILF from me all this time," Oswin interrupted with what was, quite frankly, the worst thing a person had ever said to the mother of the bride at a wedding.

"Oh my god!" Clara shouted in horror before anybody else could react, and then she very seriously and angrily turned to Oswin, "You are in big trouble now, I mean it." She sounded like a parent telling off a toddler.

"I didn't do anything!" Oswin protested.

"No. We're leaving," Clara got up and grabbed the handles on Oswin's wheelchair, "I am so sorry about her, Jackie, really – she just says these horrible things, I'll get rid of her now."

"Get rid of me!?"

"Yes, we're going," she said, pushing Oswin out of the room.

"What!? You can't just wheel me away like I'm your dirty little secret, Clara!"

"I can and I will."

"Help! I'm being kidnapped! I swear, I've never seen this woman before in my life!" she shouted as Clara wheeled her towards the doors and out of the room, "She's probably going to assault me! She's clearly a pervert!"

"Seriously, Os, this is the last straw," Clara continued to tell her off until the Twins were finally out of earshot.

"And that's your girlfriend, is it?" Pete turned to Adam Mitchell, who shrank under his scrutiny.

"Uh… to be fair, I've heard her say much worse things."

"She's consistently atrocious," said Nios. People murmured in agreement.

"Is something wrong with her?" asked Jake.

"Yes," said Martha, "She's neurotic. And a genius, if you can believe it." Jackie, Pete and Jake plainly could not believe it.

"Well… I'm gonna go find Rose," Jackie decided, "I've lost my appetite now."

"I'll stay for breakfast," said Pete.

"Obviously," Jackie muttered, "Men. Never stop eating."

"It is free, to be fair," said Mickey.

"Free? Then count me in," said Jake. Jackie just shook her head and turned to go.

"She's on the top floor," Donna called after her, "The bridal suite." Jackie left, and Pete and Jake wandered off to go find something to eat. Just before the conversation could resume between the group, without the Twins asking their usual questions and bickering, the electric lights began to flicker overhead. This irritated Sally, and she turned to glare at Esther.

"What?" Esther asked.

"The lights?"

"Oh my gosh," she rolled her eyes, "I told you last night, it's not me."

"What do you mean, the lights?" the Eleventh Doctor leant over to ask.

"She's messing with them," said Sally.

"I'm not!"

"I never said you were doing it on purpose."

"I'm not doing it at all. Must just be faulty wiring." Eleven put a hand on his chin, deep in what looked like very serious thought about the lights. They all watched him, waiting for his verdict, but then he just clapped his hands and smiled, making them jump.

"Probably is the wiring," he said.

"Better be – it's hard to get good photos with the lights turning themselves on and off all the time," Sally complained.

"This is going to be such a fun day…" Martha muttered.