-Wedding Crashers-

Ex-Groom

"C'mon, Rose. Rise and shine," Jack waved a cup of ambiguous but potent fluid around under Rose Tyler's nose. She groaned loudly in response. "Don't make me get my air horn," he threatened, "Or I could just pour this stuff out on top of your head. I wouldn't bank on it washing out in time for the ceremony, though – it's got the same consistency as cough syrup, and a similar taste. Sticky." Rose did not stir. Ianto observed nearby, leaning on the door frame and skimming a big checklist Jack had made. Well, Jack had intended to make it, until Ianto said he was doing it wrong and took over (which had been Jack's aim to begin with.)

"Shall I go downstairs and see if I can find a bottle of water or something?"

"No. If it comes down to it I'll just carry her into the shower and turn it on," Jack threatened. He knew Rose was awake, he could tell, she was just pretending to be unconscious. He shook his head and put the cup down next to the bed. "Whose idea was it to let her go binge drinking yesterday? She stinks. No offence, Rose, because I know you can hear me," he said loudly in her ear. She was good, he had to give her that.

"Well, the worst the can happen is she looks like shit on her wedding day," Ianto said, "Which should be enough to persuade any bride-to-be to get out of bed."

"If she won't get out of bed I suppose we'll have to cancel the whole wedding," said Jack, "Guess I'd better make all the arrangements." He stared at Rose, who still didn't move, then mimed a frustrated scream at Ianto, who smiled. "God, why couldn't they just elope? Who has a big wedding nowadays?"

"I wouldn't say it was that big," said Ianto, "Hotel with only fifty guests? Sort of middling. Then again, I don't know if I could find fifty guests to show their faces."

"What do you do when you have a bad hangover? I haven't had hangovers for, wow, thousands of years, I guess."

"Never been a big drinker," he said, "My sister used to do this thing where she'd drink a raw egg before going to bed to stop herself from getting a hangover. Didn't really work, though, just made her throw up raw egg the next day. Miracle she never got food poisoning the amount she went clubbing."

"Well, I don't think force-feeding her eggs is going to help us at all," he said. There was a knock at the bridal suite door and Ianto left the bedroom to go and see who it was. To Jack's relief, they were shortly gifted the presence of Mickey and Martha, who only chit-chatted with Ianto for a moment before he directed them to the adjoining bedroom.

"Oh my god, is she still asleep? There's less than three hours until the ceremony," Martha said in shock.

"Oh, she's awake," Jack said, "She's pretending. Told her we'll call off the wedding, tried to give her my patented hangover cure," he indicated the dark liquid in the cup next to him, "We're debating carrying her into the shower and blasting her with cold water."

"She's always been nasty with hangovers," said Mickey, "Has Jackie tried?"

"We haven't seen her yet," said Jack.

"What? She said she was coming up here, like, half an hour ago."

"We've been here the whole time," Jack shrugged, "Are you sure? Maybe she went back to her room for something or got lost. There are a lot of floors here, and… well, we've all met Jackie."

"Right, get up now, Rose!" Martha shouted. Unlike Jack and Ianto, after yesterday's ordeal, Martha hadn't a shred of sympathy for Rose and dragged the duvet straight off her and onto the floor. Rose groaned and whined into her pillow. "Come on! You've got to get married, no more pissing about." Martha hit at her calves and Rose kicked blindly in Martha's direction, but Martha quite easily avoided her. "You tried pouring any water on her?"

"We were thinking about it," said Jack. "Not sure how much we want to enrage the god of time and space on her wedding day, though."

"Well, lucky for you after what she put us through yesterday, I couldn't care less," said Martha, making a beeline for the en suite bathroom. Jack stood up from the chair by the bed he'd been sitting it so as to get out of the way. Rose still refused to move. They heard the tap running in the bathroom and momentarily Martha returned with a plastic cup full to the brim. She had no qualms about tipping it out on Rose's head, which was finally enough to get her to move when she got some in her nose and started coughing. "Get up!"

"No," said Rose pathetically, curling up on the mattress, "I think I'm sick."

"Sick?" Martha asked.

"Like, the flu, or something."

"Really? The flu? You don't think it might be because you spent yesterday trying to drink yourself into a coma?" Martha crossed her arms.

"I told you I made you the fully-approved Harkness hangover cure," Jack said, indicating the cup again. Sceptically Martha picked it up and sniffed it, then coughed.

"What is in that? It's disgusting."

"Mostly vinegar," said Jack.

"Vinegar?"

"Clears out the system," he said, "Vinegar and caffeine. Trust me, that'll jolt you awake like nothing else. And sometimes just the thought of it is enough to make people miraculously recover."

"I'm not surprised."

"What would you recommend as a hangover cure?" Jack asked her.

"Have you tried just not drinking? That usually seems to work quite well," she said sarcastically.

"Ha ha."

"What if you have an egg before bed?" Ianto asked, "Does that work?"

"You can get salmonella from raw eggs if they're not pasteurised. As a doctor, I can't recommend eating raw eggs for any medical reason, and I really doubt they're able to cure hangovers, but if they're lion-stamped then it's probably not going to do you any damage. Line your stomach and don't exceed your limit, and then drink a lot of water."

"I've heard they're bad to eat if you're pregnant," said Ianto.

"Don't catch me eating any, then," she said. "Is there a kettle in there? Complimentary coffee?"

"I think so," said Ianto, glancing over his shoulder, "Shall I make her some?"

"Please," said Martha, "Stronger the better."

"Seriously," Rose mumbled, "I have stomach cramps."

"Right, not to be a killjoy, but alcohol is technically poisonous. That's why it gives you hangovers in the first place. And the amount you drank, I'm not surprised that your body hates you," said Martha.

"Has anyone ever told you… you have shit bedside manner?"

"Only when the patient gets me kidnapped by pirates because she's trollied," said Martha. Rose picked up the pillow and then dropped it down on top of her head. "Fine, fine, if you sit up I'll check you over. I'll go get my first aid kit, and you'd better be out of bed by the time I get back," she threatened, then took her leave. Mickey stayed behind.

"It wasn't anywhere near this stressful when the two of you got married," Jack said, meaning Mickey and Martha. "Nice and quiet."

"Sorry I missed it," said Ianto from the next room.

"You were dead, it's not your fault," said Mickey.

"Still, I love a wedding. Were Gwen and Rhys there?"

"Yeah, they were," said Mickey.

"Speaking of Gwen and Rhys, aren't they supposed to be arriving here any minute now?" Jack asked.

"Right you are," said Ianto, "I'll go down and wait to meet them once I see to this coffee. Far be it from me to leave the bride without her caffeine fix. Are they bringing the baby?"

"No, I don't think so."

"You should get up, Rose," Mickey advised, "She might make you drink that vinegar stuff if you're not careful."

"I don't feel well," Rose persisted.

"Well – what do you want? Do you want a bucket, a bowl? I could bring the bathroom bin over?" Mickey offered. He thought he saw her nod slightly, so slipped into the bathroom for a second to pick up the empty bin and then set it by the bed next to her.

"Thanks…" she mumbled.

"I remember when we used to go out on Friday night – parties down the estate, do you remember?" he asked, "You'd be gone for the rest of the weekend, and still late for work on Mondays."

"Never felt this shit on any of those other nights."

"Well, if people remembered how shit hangovers are, they wouldn't go out again," he shrugged, "But they do." She didn't answer him that time, but at least she was responding to him. Jack only waited and observed. "Are you alright, Rose?" he asked seriously. "Apart from the hangover, just… why did you do it? Get drunk, I mean? Before your wedding?" Rose opened her mouth like she was going to say something, but then only cursed and grabbed for the plastic bin; she vomited. Mickey went to sit next to her and hold her hair.

"Probably best if she gets some of it up," said Jack. "Might make her feel better." Jack heard the door open and Martha hastily walked back in with her first aid kit. She and Mickey swapped places next to Rose, and slowly Martha's sympathy began to return. Maybe it was Rose's own fault, but it still wasn't a pleasant way to start your wedding day.

"What is this? Cold feet?" Martha asked her. She didn't say anything. "Look, weddings are just… I don't know, ceremonies. Symbols. They're not the important thing, the important thing is everything that comes after. You know the Doctor loves you, and after this, it'll just be back to normal on the TARDIS. No planning, or stress, he'll stop freaking out about his bloody vows-"

"I told him not to worry about them…" she mumbled.

"Well, he is worrying about them, he's being a total nightmare without you around. Just a few more hours until you can put us all out of our misery."

"It's just – everyone thinks I'm full of it," she said, "I know you're all talking about me, behind my back, about Tentoo, and getting remarried, and why should I get another wedding, and it…" She threw up again. Martha sighed. That was exactly what people had been saying, even Jackie. "I made sure Tentoo was alright, and safe, and that Donna would find him. I know his future, know he's… he'll be okay."

"Who cares about what people say?" Jack asked, "Let 'em talk. Best thing you can do is get married and be happy. What does the time vortex tell you about your own future?"

"Surprisingly little," she mumbled, breathing deeply and leaning over the bucket. "I just… maybe I… maybe…" She retched, but this time it had an unforeseen side effect. The bucket fell to the floor and Rose disappeared in a golden burst, startling Martha. In shock, she stared at Mickey and Jack right as Ianto walked over holding a fresh cup of coffee. Jack quickly dashed over to pick up the bin to stop the vomit from getting onto the carpet.

"Just when I thought this couldn't get any worse…"

Rose felt like her head was full of needles and she could not hold her balance whenever she landed her accidental teleportation. She crashed to the floor and felt herself dry heaving again, reaching blindly for the bin Mickey had given her, but it was nowhere to be found.

"Hello? Is someone there? Is… Rose? Rose!" Someone rushed over and grabbed her shoulders.

"I'm gonna puke," she mumbled.

"The toilet's this way, come on, careful of the step here – I'm always tripping in this place. Donna says the sunken floor is 'fashionable', or something like that… here we go…" She could just about see the toilet in front of her and lunged for it, grabbing the seat and throwing up a torrent of vomit while somebody rubbed her back. Once the latest wave was over she finally worked out where she was, or rather let herself work it out: Donna's luxury flat in central London, where Shaun lived. But Shaun was with Donna at the wedding, so the only tenant present was Tentoo. It had been three months since she last saw him. Leaning on the toilet seat with her elbow she looked up and met his eyes, tangled hair in her face: she looked a state.

"Hi," she said. What else could she say?

"Hi."

"…Sorry about this."

"No, it's… what's wrong?"

"I have a hangover," she said, "I spent all day yesterday drunk."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm getting married in three hours."

"Oh. Is that..?" he indicated her hand, "Your engagement ring?" She nodded wearily. "Happened quickly, then?" She nodded again. "Donna didn't tell me you were…"

"Probably didn't want to upset you. He only asked me three and a bit weeks ago."

"And you've planned a whole wedding? It took us a year."

"Yeah… I didn't… um…" She hadn't a clue what to say. Groggily she tried to sit up a bit more.

"You've got, uh – on your face, I mean."

"What?"

"Sick."

"Right…" she nodded slowly, then grabbed a handful of toilet roll from next to her and wiped the edges of her mouth. "Didn't mean to show up here. Did it by accident. I was just thinking about you, though, something Martha was saying."

"What was that?"

"Maybe it was something I was saying… I don't know. They think I'm heartless, and they're talking about me, and-" She paused for a while. "Maybe they're right." He didn't answer, crouched next to her in the bathroom. There was a long pause. Neither knew what they should say in this most inopportune meeting,

"I'm going to go get you some water," Tentoo decided, getting up. Rose remained silent, turning her attention on the toilet bowl again as her stomach churned. She felt like she was on a waltzer, being spun around and thrown about. The more she thought about waltzers the sicker she got until she was hurling again. It didn't take long for her to rid herself of her stomach contents until she was left gagging on the air and nothing else, at which point Tentoo held a glass of clear water towards her.

"I don't know if I can keep that down," she said.

"It'll stop your throat getting sore, at least," he said, "And there's no alcohol in it." Tentatively she took it from him and sipped very slowly. It did feel a little better, if only because her throat was sore, and soothed her mouth where the bile had burned it.

"Thanks," she mumbled, sitting up a little, leaning against the wall instead of the toilet. She was not going to stray far, however.

"You were drinking the day before our wedding, weren't you?"

"I get nervous," she said defensively, "Weddings. And most people only have one of them."

"…You'd think you'd get better at them," he said. Was that a joke? He had just made a joke? She thought it was a little funny, so she hoped he had.

"Maybe I'll go round a third time. It's just weddings themselves I don't like.

"Do you want to stay here?" he asked. "Just for a while. Until you feel better. You can time travel at will, can't you?"

"Oh, yeah," she nodded, "Maybe that would be best… what if I threw up during the ceremony? Could you imagine?"

"I could."

"Rude." He sat down properly, leaning on the opposite wall on the other side of the toilet. She held the glass of water between her hands but was not inclined to drink much more. "Do you hate me?"

"No. Do you hate me?"

"No."

"Could've fooled me. Throwing me off the TARDIS like that."

"We were fighting. We were fighting a lot."

"I know," he sighed. "I'm… doing alright, maybe. Under the circumstances. You sent me to Vietnam. I landed in the middle of the jungle and worked as a fisherman for two months, learnt how to cook a lot of different things."

"I do know. I didn't send you somewhere random, I knew you'd be alright. And I was looking out for you. Tweaking stuff, keeping you safe, I just… I didn't really know how to play things. I don't know how to play things. What could I do? Tell you I'm sorry?"

"Are you?" he asked seriously.

"Yeah. Which, I know, sounds pathetic, and like some half-drunk, hungover crap, but… But I think about it all the time. About how shitty I behaved, like a spoiled brat. Maybe I still do." She breathed deeply. "I don't know. You don't have to believe me, or that I'm sincere, or even that I did watch out for you like some guilty guardian angel, but… it's sort of like, if there was a moment to fix things, I missed it, and I didn't know what to do after that."

"Maybe this is the moment?" he suggested.

"Did you miss the part about me getting married in three hours?"

"I don't mean like that, I mean – Donna thinks I'm broken."

"I feel broken sometimes," she sighed. He looked at her sadly. "You just said you're doing alright, are you lying?"

"She's just trying to be nice, but it's like I'm made of glass," he tried his best to explain, "She hardly even acts affectionately with Shaun when they're both here."

"I'm not sure they're one of those couples."

"They are – I've seen them when they don't know I'm there."

"Creepy," she remarked.

"Not in that way. She doesn't tell me a lot about what's been going on on the TARDIS without me, you know. Amy and Rory came for dinner the other night, and until they showed up I had no idea about this thing with Jenny."

"What thing with Jenny?" Rose asked, "About her hand?"

"No, about Clara, the parallel universe Clara, and something about her being a vampire now."

"Oh, yeah, that happened."

"What's wrong with her hand?"

"An angry Ukrainian snapped her thumb off while he was trying to interrogate the Eleventh Doctor," Rose explained.

"Her thumb!? Off? What do you mean off?"

"It was sort of hanging there, all torn, just some, like, stringy bits keeping it attached to her hand."

"Makes Vietnam look like a cakewalk," he muttered. She nodded in agreement. "They told me I should talk to her."

"You should, she wouldn't reject you," Rose said, "You're not the one who abandoned her for years, after all. You're new, like she was. Kindred spirits. But she's moving, actually, this week, to the village where Ravenwood lives."

"It's that serious?"

"They're going to get married, I saw it, in the future," she said, "Small thing in a registry office since Ravenwood can't enter churches. You'll be there. It's not for years yet. I… are you sure you don't want me to go? Or go into a different room? You could pretend I'm not here?"

"Why?" he asked, surprised.

"I just don't want to upset you," she said. "I've messed everything up so much, I don't want to just keep making it all worse. But – well – what should have said to my ex-husband? 'Let's be friends'? After I cheated on you months ago when the Crash first happened, and… I've just made a lot of mistakes."

"Well, everyone makes mistakes, really," he said. "I probably could have convinced Donna to bring you here, but I've never tried. I didn't know what I'd say, either. Our fights were getting quite bad, without them it was… I don't want to say good, but, calmer. Nothing gives you perspective more than being dumped in south-east Asia. And if you did that to me, well, we can't have been happy." Again, she stayed quiet, until he cleared his throat. "Where is this village Jenny's living in, then?"

"Hollowmire. West Yorkshire somewhere. Near Leeds," said Rose, "I'm not sure I've ever been. Sally Sparrow lives there, too, and Esther – I don't think you met Esther, actually. She can shoot lightning out of her hands."

"Sounds nice."

"She is, actually."

"Much else I've missed?"

"Yeah. Massive thing. Mickey and Martha are gonna have a baby. It's a girl, but don't tell anyone I told you, I only know because-"

"You saw the future?" he suggested.

"Well, yeah," she said sheepishly.

"That's great! A tiny Jones! Or, Smith! Whichever one they choose."

"Double-barrelled, I'm betting," said Rose. "But, yeah, she's barely a month gone. I might be the godmother - if Martha forgives me for getting so pissed yesterday. She hasn't even told her mum yet, though. Ianto got brought back from the dead by some nutcase so now he and Jack are engaged, did Donna tell you about that?"

"No! But good for them! What about Adam and Oswin? Are they still together?"

"Yep. Basically inseparable. Oh, and the Twelfth Doctor in our universe is a girl, we met her, she came back from the future for a while. Drove Clara mental she fancies her so much."

"Are they still together?"

"Mm. Definitely. And probably for centuries. Although, I did see how Clara dies," said Rose coyly. Tentoo's eyes widened.

"Really?" She nodded. "No. How does – no. You shouldn't tell me. I shouldn't know. Does she know?"

"Nope. I'll tell you."

"What?"

"Fatal internal bleeding from a freak wanking accident," she said. Tentoo stared at her. Then she laughed. "I'm kidding! I haven't a clue how or when she'll die, if she'll ever die. Though I do think a freak wanking accident is a strong possibility."

"Tell me something that's true."

"Hm, alright. Oswin's started experimenting with AIs. And we've got a synth now, called Nios, who I think has a girlfriend. I've heard things."

"Through the time vortex?"

"No, just like, over breakfast. For some reason, everyone's apparently gay now. Clara briefly persuaded Martha to cop off with her, for a scheme," said Rose.

"Martha? And Clara?"

"Well, the whole thing was very brief. A few seconds. Mickey does not know about it. Don't know there's much else to catch you up on, apart from Jack and Jenny fighting at every opportunity. Look, it's important to me that you know I know I've made so many mistakes-"

"Rose," he waved a hand to get her to stop talking, "The past is the past."

"It's the very recent past."

"Things end. Sometimes they end badly. Sometimes it's just messy. Neither of us is dead, so we're better off than lots of people we've both had to say goodbye to. Maybe we had a nasty breakup, but that's life. Things between you and Mickey didn't end very cleanly and you're apparently going to be the godmother of his baby. Life's complicated, especially human life."

"…Thanks. Thank you. You… yeah. I'm glad I came now. I think I… needed to talk to you."

"I think I needed to talk to you, too. And Jenny. I'll go to this village, Hollowmire, soon. When she's settled in. And I'm thinking of adopting some dogs. Maybe get a job. As a vet. Do you think I could be a vet?"

"You've never been to university to learn to be a vet."

"That's true… what's Jenny doing?"

"Working in a bakery. She's actually baked the wedding cake for today. It's chocolate. If you want, I could save you some pieces? Donna could bring them back?"

"No, I don't need any of your second wedding cake. Not to sound rude, but… it might reopen old wounds."

"Yeah, course, sorry," she said quickly, "Don't know what I was thinking."

"You're just trying to be nice."

"I suppose."

"You should finish the water," he advised.

"Yeah. I'll do that. Then I'll leave you to it."

"So, at what point after the bride disappears do we have to try and cancel the wedding?" Martha asked, glancing around at Mickey, Jack, and Ianto. They were all at a loss for words. Getting drunk the day before her wedding was one thing, but vanishing into thin air just a few hours before the 'I Dos'? Martha could hardly believe it, but instead of getting frustrated at Rose, she was now growing worried. Maybe they should think about calling it off…? After all, it had been paid for with a stolen credit card; there wasn't much monetary loss.

No sooner had she begun to entertain those thoughts than Rose decided to reappear, looking markedly better. She hadn't had a shower or cleaned up, but she did look brighter, more aware, less liable to throw up at the slightest provocation. But she also seemed more stoic than anything else.

"Rose?" Martha asked.

"Sorry. Went for a walk. Cleared my head a bit. Drank some water."

"Got a coffee for you, if you like?" Ianto held out a mug. Rose thought about this, then nodded tentatively, making sure the sick bin was still on hand if she needed it. He smiled and handed it to her but she didn't drink right away.

"Do you feel better now?" Martha asked.

"Yeah, I do. Lots, actually."

"And you're going to go through with it? The wedding?"

Rose was surprised, "Course I am. Was there doubt?"

"It's just when the bride goes binge drinking and then disappears, it might look to some like she doesn't want to get married," Martha said quietly.

"I just get really nervous, about the actual ceremony and the whole day. It's… I'm stressed about marrying him, but not being married to him, do you know what I mean?"

"It's like I said, it's not the wedding that's important, it's the bit afterwards."

"Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense." A phone buzzed and Ianto reached into his pocket to check it.

"Gwen and Rhys," he announced, "In the lobby. Want to know what's happening. I'll go meet them now."

"No, I want to see this checklist," Rose said to him, "Sorry."

"We'll go," Mickey offered, "Martha can tell them the good news."

"If Rose will be alright," Martha added.

"It's just a hangover," said Rose.

"How long did you go for?" Martha asked pointedly.

"Not that long," she said, "An hour? Less, maybe? I'm just going to be here until it starts, I'm sure Jack will get you if anything happens."

"Alright," Martha said, getting up, then she added to Jack, "Do keep an eye on her."

"Yes, ma'am," he said, giving her a joking salute which she was not happy about. He smirked. Mickey took her hand and led her towards the door. While she felt this was unnecessary because she knew just where the door was, it turned out to be very useful in the end, because as soon as they were in the hallway she slipped and Mickey had to catch and steady her.

"What happened? Are you alright?" he asked her urgently.

"I'm fine. Just slipped on… hang on, what is this?" she looked at her shoe, which had a coating of strangely familiar green slime on it. There was a puddle of the liquid on the floor right outside of the bridal suite.

"Weird," said Mickey, "Could be from those tiny shampoo bottles."

"Doesn't smell like shampoo."

"What else could it be?" he asked, "Someone spilt a smoothie?"

"I suppose…" she frowned, "Hm… fine. Probably nothing, you're right."

"Good. Now, let's go tell Rhys we're finally having a baby, I'm dying to see the look on his face."