-Wedding Crashers-

The Rescuers

"Can you believe that? Have I slept with him? Urgh," Sally complained. Esther was sitting on the floor in the hallway by the reception room playing Dragon Quest still.

"He's not that bad," said Esther, "He's my best friend." Sally looked up with alarm.

"Jack's your best friend?"

"What?" Sally stared at her. "Oh my – how old are you? Fighting over who gets to be my best friend?"

"Not fighting," she said, "I just thought we were closer than that. And not just because we live together."

"Fine, you can be my best friend. Are you happy now? You still haven't told me what your problem is with Jack."

"He's the one who started calling me 'Spooky Sally.' Because I used to visit Cardiff a lot, for the Rift, and I'd be trying to investigate something and then Torchwood would show up and just shrug me off. They never asked me if I wanted to join Torchwood, and I've met the Doctor," she complained.

"Being in Torchwood got me shot, Sal. It's not so great. I think you should move this stuff."

"What do you mean?"

"You're blocking the door with the tripods," she said. Sally had two of them set up now, each with a different camera, not to mention her best camera she had on a strap around her neck, "You know people have to come through those doors? Including the bride?" Sally hadn't thought about that. "You should take them through the lobby, you could take some pictures of her when she comes down that fancy staircase."

"…Dammit… okay, can you help me move these? I don't want to have to set them up again. Be careful you don't zap the cameras, though," Sally warned.

"I won't! I keep telling you, I'm not messing with anything," Esther said as she saved her game and switched off her DS, putting it away. "It's not like I make the lights flicker at home. I don't know why you keep bringing it up."

"Because if they start flickering while I'm trying to take photos it could ruin them."

"Relax, there's plenty of natural light to take some outside."

"Bloody cold, though… here," Sally lifted the first tripod and handed it to Esther, "Don't mess around with the legs, it's balanced at the right height."

"You're taking this a lot more seriously than I thought you would," said Esther.

"What? An actual photography job?" Sally challenged.

"You could start a business or something. Proper event photography, instead of just… ghost hunting."

"Someone needs to prove the existence of ghosts."

"The reason ghosts aren't proven is that people don't want to believe in them. You could do something substantial! Help other people record the most important moments of their lives. I could build you a website."

"I'd really rather not talk about this right now, not while I'm working another job… thanks for sticking around and helping me, though. You're an actual guest, you don't need to lower yourself to spending time with the hired help," she joked. Esther laughed.

"Who else am I gonna hang out with? Clara's still asleep and I don't know where Jenny's got to. It's not like I'm a huge fan of weddings, anyway," she sighed, "And it's refreshing to see you, like, actually care about something."

"Why are you so interested?"

"Apparently you're my best friend or something." Sally set her tripods down just out of the way next to the grand staircase in the hotel lobby, back to lurking in the entrance. At least the receptionist was a different girl to the one Sally had been arguing with the night before, there had been a shift change; that was a relief.

"I don't want to be out here," she muttered, "We'll have to shuttle guests around, and that's what Jack and Donna are supposed to do…"

"C'mon, it's nice to help people."

"You just said you don't like weddings."

"I just can't relate to them. I mean, I'm never gonna get married, and then all the stuff that comes afterwards."

"What? Like, mortgages?"

"Huh? No, I mean the party. Lots of drunk people staying up late and being loud, doing the Macarena."

"The Macarena?"

"Yeah!"

"You don't like the Macarena?"

"Not really."

"You know, Esther, you've got some real issues."

"Gee, thanks…"

"Excuse me," a woman interrupted them, all dressed up in her fineries, "Are you here for the wedding?"

"I am," said Esther brightly, smiling, "I'm Esther. This is Sally, she's the official photographer."

"Ooh, 'official', how fancy," Sally quipped.

"Do you know Martha?" the woman asked.p

"Absolutely, we both do," said Esther.

"Oh, do you know where she is? I'm Francine, her mother."

"I… don't know," said Esther, looking at Sally. Sally just shrugged. "She's probably upstairs in the bridal suite, with Rose. I mean, if I were a betting man, that's where I'd wager she is."

"I heard a rumour she's nursing Rose's hangover, so she won't be too far away," Sally added.

"Don't spread rumours, Sal," Esther told her off. "We did see Mickey heading towards the kitchen about ten minutes ago, but Martha wasn't with him."

"Which way is the bridal suite?"

"Okay, if you go down there and take the elevator," Esther pointed down a hall to give her directions, "Head up to the third floor and it's, like, right on that corridor. Has a big sign on the door saying 'Bridal Suite', and it's painted pink. You can't miss it. If she's not there, I'm sure they can point you in the right direction."

"Try and avoid the Doctor, though," Sally added, "The Tenth Doctor."

"Why?" Francine asked as she prepared to leave them to their bickering.

"He's being very annoying this morning, that's all."

"He kinda is," said Esther, "And I don't like to speak badly about anybody."

"How do the two of you know the Doctor?" she questioned, now intrigued.

"Just sort of, ran into him and Martha. They sent me a message in 2007, from 1969," said Sally, "They were stuck there for a while." Francine nodded and looked at Esther.

"Oh, I'm more friends with Jack, actually," she said.

"Where are you from?"

"Me? Washington, D.C.."

"And you came all the way here for this wedding?"

"No, I live in England now, with Sally."

"Are you two…?"

"No," they both said, then Sally added, "Just housemates." She nodded again.

"Well. Thank you for the directions," she smiled at them each and took her leave.

"Why does everybody think we're a couple?" Sally muttered, "Single women in their thirties are not that rare."

"Are you single?" Esther asked her.

"…Shut up. If there's one thing I don't want to think about today, it's… shit!"

"Huh?" Esther asked. Sally had seen something.

"Bloody hell… I didn't… for god's sake…"

"Oh," Esther saw what Sally had seen. There was James Elliott, of all the people, sauntering into the hotel. Well, she supposed he wasn't sauntering, just walking like a normal person, with another woman: Christina de Souza, Undercoll's infiltration expert. "Didn't he tell you he was coming?"

"No. Did you know?" Sally hissed at her.

"Why would I know? And why would I keep it from you?"

"How do I look?"

"Fine. Better than usual, even, since you're dressed up for the wedding."

"Maybe he won't see me."

"He's probably here to see you. Why else would he be here?"

"What's he doing with Christina?"

"Why don't you go ask him?"

"I'm just gonna adjust this camera…" she lifted the camera around her neck and started pressing buttons on it, even though it wasn't turned on.

"You're thirty years old, and acting like a little kid," Esther pointed out. Sally ignored her. Esther turned her attention to Elliott and Christina. Of course, Sally's ruse was pointless because they were the only people in the lobby Elliott and Christina knew, so of course, they came straight towards them. Sally kept her eyes glued to her camera, but Esther smiled welcomingly. "Hi! I didn't know you two were coming to this thing."

"Really? Didn't see it on my calendar when you've hacked into my work computer?" Christina challenged, but she was joking.

"No, I, uh…" Esther didn't know what to say, because she did break into Undercoll quite often to search their case files, "I wouldn't read somebody's calendar…"

"James! I didn't see you there," Sally lied, looking up from her camera and pretending to be surprised. "You didn't tell me you were coming today."

"Yeah, no, I wasn't… I'm just here with Christina. Her plus one."

"I'm hoping if Jenny tries to hit me, he might be gallant enough to step in the way and take the punch," Christina joked.

"If you want to sleep with people's husbands, you should probably deal with the consequences," said Elliott quietly. Christina rolled her eyes. As soon as there was a lapse in conversation, he seized the opportunity. "Sally, can I have a word?"

"Uh… I'm sort of, working, um… I can do five minutes."

"Great, thanks," he indicated for her to step aside, out of earshot.

"I'm confused," Christina said to Esther as the other two walked off down the hall a short distance, "Does she like him? Because he never shuts up about her, but it doesn't seem like he's getting anywhere."

"You're asking the wrong person," said Esther.

"Don't you live together?"

"Well, yeah. It's Sal's business, though," she shrugged, "I can't go around sharing things about her personal life."

"Wow. You're quite strange, Esther."

"Because I don't gossip?"

"Exactly."

Down the hallway, Sally Sparrow's private business was at dangerous risk of being exposed.

"So, you're… doing the photos, then?" Elliott asked her.

"Yeah, well, I wasn't going to get an invitation otherwise," she said, "You didn't mention to me that you were coming. A heads up would have been nice."

"It was a last minute… I just wanted to say, I'll leave if you want. I don't really care about this wedding, I haven't met the bride or the groom."

"I'm not going to implode just because you're in the same room as me. Do what you like. But if you're here to try and hang around me, I am actually working." There was a long pause before he thought of something else to say, Sally growing slightly uncomfortable.

"Listen, I'm sorry about what happened that night."

"James…"

"No, really, I am. It was a mistake-"

"Do we have to do this right now? Here?"

"…I suppose not."

"For what it's worth, I think it was a mistake as well, and if we both acknowledge that, then we can try and move on."

"But what do you mean, 'move on'?"

"Alright, just… I'll try and make time to talk to you today, or tomorrow, or something, I don't know. I've got…" she lowered her voice, "I've got some medication now, Esther made me go to the doctor, and… things are getting clearer. I do want to talk to you, about… hang on." She felt her phone buzz and had to lean down to retrieve it from where it was stuck in the side of her boot.

"Were you keeping that in your shoe?"

"I don't have any pockets," she said defensively. She was getting an incoming call from Ravenwood. "I should probably take this, I suppose… hello?" she answered the phone.

"Sally! Thank god, Jenny's not picking up-"

"Yeah, that seems to be going around," said Sally. Clara sounded panicked. "What's wrong?"

"I think something weird's going on, I don't know. So, I just woke up, realised I forgot to bring any mascara with me, and Jenny doesn't have any in her stuff-"

"I'm not lending you my mascara, it's not hygienic," said Sally.

"That's not what I mean – I didn't have any, so I thought I'd go see if Other Me has some, so I went to her room, and she's not answering the door. So I thought she must be downstairs, so I tried to ring her, and I can hear the phone going in the room, and I can smell that she's in there, but I think she's unconscious."

"Maybe she's having a nap."

"No, seriously, I've been banging on the door and nobody's answering."

"Break it down, you're a vampire, it's just one door."

"I can't. I need to be invited in."

"Oh, for… so what do you want? Me to break down a door?"

"I tried to ring Jenny, you're not actually my first choice. If it's nothing, then fine, but it's freaking me out, so-"

"Okay, okay," Sally said, trying to get her to calm down. She gave Elliott and apologetic expression before quick-stepping back to where Esther was waiting with Christina. "Clara's ringing me, she thinks something's up with Other Clara, but she can't get into the hotel room because of vampire reasons."

"Who are you talking to?" Ravenwood asked.

"Just Esther, calm down. We'll be up in a minute," Sally hung up.

"Why can't she get into the hotel room?" Elliott asked.

"She needs to be invited in, and they're not answering the door," Sally explained to him.

"I'll go meet her, you guys catch me up," said Esther.

"Catch you up?" asked Sally, "What are you doing?" In a vibrant flash of blue light, Esther disappeared. It was a blink-and-you'd-miss-it moment that took them all by surprise, including Sally, though the receptionist didn't even look up from the computer. Sally smelled burning and spotted a scorch mark on the ground where Esther had been standing. "I hate it when she does that."

A few floors above, Ravenwood was pacing agitatedly outside the door of her other self. She could hear and smell that Other Her was in there, but the heart rate was so slow she couldn't be conscious. It didn't help that she was still exhausted; the wedding was starting in barely half an hour, and while she had permission to skip the ceremony, she still needed to be downstairs for the cocktails at around two o'clock to save face and not look ungrateful for getting to stay in a fancy hotel for free. But she knew that she wasn't a heavy enough sleeper to ignore somebody pounding on a door – and why would Other Clara be sleeping in the middle of the day when she had a wedding to get to?

As she was getting desperate and debating venturing downstairs in her pyjamas (looking sickly as always in the cold, December light), she was rescued by Esther's prompt arrival. She heard the spark of an electrical explosion on the other side of the door and saw a flash of light around its edges and through the peephole.

"Esther!?" she called, "Are you in there!?"

"Yeah," Esther answered from within.

"What's going on?"

"They're unconscious – Oswin's Sphere is in here."

"Open the door," said Clara.

"Just a second…" she heard Esther moving around for a few seconds until she returned to the door, swiping the key card in the electronic lock and opening it. Other Clara was lying on the floor with Oswin's Sphere nearby. An empty wheelchair lingered ominously next to the bed. There was no way she was sleeping. Esther left the door ajar to go examine the Sphere.

"Esther," Ravenwood hissed, "You have to invite me."

"What?"

"Like, properly."

"I – fine, come in," said Esther, allowing Ravenwood to step over the threshold. "What's wrong with them?"

"Maybe it's, um… I think Jenny's said something about them being comatose before."

"Comatose?"

"Like… you must have heard about it, there was an EMP and they were trapped in a hallucination. That's how they bonded, so I hear."

"Oh, right, I had heard about that… do you think that's what this is? You think someone did this to them?"

"Maybe?" said Ravenwood, "Or it could be a malfunction, I don't know."

At that moment, Sally Sparrow, James Elliott and Christina arrived, having caught the lift at the first opportunity and rushed to their aid. Unlike Ravenwood, they didn't need to be invited in.

"Something must be messing with them," said Sally, "I've only ever seen Oswin's Sphere turn off once; when we were around Liam Kent and he had those weird powers."

"He's not here, is he?" asked Esther, alarmed. That was the last thing they needed to deal with that day; a serial killer on the loose.

"No, he's in custody at Undercoll, and he's been cured of his powers," said Christina, "What's happened to them?"

"An EMP, maybe," said Esther shrugging.

"Well, you can fix that," said Sally, "If it's the Sphere, you can zap it, switch it back on."

"Yes!" said Ravenwood, "Try that, see if it works."

"Uh… okay, we'd better all stand back in case Oswin reappears." Esther took off her insulated gloves and picked up the Sphere, which was a lot heavier than she thought it would be, and the others retreated to the doorway. The problem was that she didn't know how much electricity was necessary for Oswin's Sphere, and she didn't want to accidentally make the thing blow up. She decided she'd just start small and work her way up, sparks rippling up and down her arms.

Luckily, it didn't take a huge amount of energy to solve this problem. After only a few seconds, the Sphere started up, an eye-like camera on one side of it glowing vivid green. It shot out of her hands and hovered in the air a few feet above them before disappearing. At the same moment the Sphere vanished, Oswin shimmered into existence in her wheelchair and Clara Oswald, on the floor, gasped a heaving breath and rolled over, coughing.

"I don't understand, where did the orb go?" Christina asked, "What's it for?"

"It's a projector, Oswin's a hologram," Esther explained. Both Twins were disorientated, Oswin especially staring around and blinking at them all. "Are you okay, Os?" Oswin turned her gaze on Esther and frowned, then glanced at the other four again.

"Are you here to have an orgy?" she asked. Esther scoffed.

"Well, she's obviously fine," said Sally. Clara was breathing deeply and trying to sit up. Since Esther didn't have her gloves on and couldn't touch anybody because of this, Sally was the one who went to check on her. "Are you alright, Clara? What happened?" Sally touched her shoulders to help her sit up straight on the floor.

"Don't do that, she'll get excited," Oswin warned, "And she was already quite excited in that dream."

"Shut up, Oswin," Clara snapped. So they were both fine, more or less. Just a bit woozy.

"What happened?" Sally asked again.

"We were in a cabaret," said Oswin.

"You were-!?" Sally exclaimed, "Don't tell me you did this to yourselves on purpose."

"No, of course not," said Clara, "We don't know what happened. One minute we were up here after she said some hideous things to Jackie Tyler, the next minute we're… smoking and drinking milkshakes in a burlesque club."

"Someone must have wanted us out of the way," said Oswin, "Turned off my Sphere… which I don't like, because I put a lot of new protections on it after the last time this happened…"

"What does happen? Do you go into a coma whenever one of you is unconscious?" Sally asked.

"No, it's a defence mechanism when the Sphere switches off," said Oswin, "Which it isn't supposed to do. Because we have the psychic connection we go into a shared hallucination so that my consciousness doesn't cease to exist."

"Don't you have backups?" Esther asked.

"Well, yeah, obviously I do, on the TARDIS. They update every evening, Helix controls it; I'm locked out."

"You locked yourself out of your own backups?"

"Yes," said Oswin stiffly, "So I don't delete them." That had taken a dark turn.

"…So, you haven't seen anything weird, then…?" Clara changed the subject.

"Maybe Rose put you in a coma so you don't ruin her wedding," Sally remarked, "Which is starting in twenty-five minutes. Just so you know."

"What!?" Clara exclaimed, scrambling to her feet, "Well – screw it, then, you lot need to leave so I can get dressed." When she said that, Oswin shimmered and her outfit changed to a dress. She smiled smugly at Clara, who shook her head.

"Yeah, um, hi," Ravenwood interjected, "The whole reason I even found you is that I wanted to borrow your mascara, so, um, do you have any mascara?"

"Oh, for god's sake… fine, yes, have it."

"That's not hygienic," said Esther, "You can catch hepatitis C from sharing a mascara wand."

"Esther, we're the same person," said Ravenwood, "We're more the same person than she and Oswin are the same person. And I don't think vampires can get hepatitis."

"No, you're already a walking hepatitis allegory as it is. Blood contagion, and all that," quipped Clara.

"Hilarious," Ravenwood countered. Those two didn't get along nearly as well as the Twins did. Clara crossed the room to dig around in the suitcase she'd brought until she found a make-up bag, digging out a stick of mascara and throwing it across the room at Ravenwood. Rather than catch it though, Ravenwood shrieked and jumped away. "Don't throw stuff at me without warning!"

"I thought you have enhanced, vampire senses?"

"Urgh!" she complained stooping to pick it up from the floor near Christina's feet. "To think, I raised the alarm here and got Esther to rescue you…"

"Yes, thank you. Go away now, please. All of you. I need to get changed very quickly and pretend some mysterious villain didn't try to put us in a coma." Ravenwood didn't hesitate, vanishing as soon as she got her makeup.

"I'm gonna wait outside," said Esther, "Just in case whatever happened happens again, that way I'm right here to turn the Sphere back on."

"Could you actually, um, do me a favour?" asked Oswin, "And fetch my leg and cane from my room? Please?"

"Oh, sure," Esther smiled, "I'll go grab them now." She left.

"You're more than welcome to stay while I get changed," Clara said abruptly to Sally, who'd been about to leave.

"Mm, no thanks. I'll give that a miss. Maybe I'll see you with your clothes on when the wedding ceremony starts, though," Sally said.

"Shit… shit, shit…" Clara started frantically searching the room for her dress as Sally, Elliott and Christina took their leave, Christina closing the door behind her.

Christina shrugged, "That was fun, for a minute or so. I wonder who did that to them?"

"Whoever it is is gone now," said Elliott, then said seriously to Christina, "Could you, um…?"

"What?" Christina asked, confused. Then she realised. "Oh. You want me to leave the two of you alone. Right. No way to treat your date, Elliott."

"You're not my date."

"I'll withdraw my plus one then, shall I?" she asked. He scowled. "I'm joking. Do what you like, I don't actually care…" She left the way they had come, in the lift, leaving Sally and Elliott alone in a hallway.

"What were we talking about?" he prompted her.

"Um. Me taking antidepressants now, I think," she said, beginning to walk towards the stairs so she didn't have to take the lift with Christina. She didn't think she liked Christina very much, but couldn't think why.

"Oh. You are?"

"Yeah… since recently-ish. I just don't think this random wedding is the best time to talk about all this, especially since, as I said, I'm working and not a guest," she reminded him.

"But we don't have any other chance to talk in person, we live in different parts of the country."

"I know, I just… I haven't had any actual photography work in such a long time, I really don't want to mess up, and if you're hanging around distracting me, I might not do a good job," she told him honestly. "Just don't drink too much tonight, and maybe when things die down way later, there will be a chance. Not if you're drunk, though; I'm not talking to you if you're drunk."

"Okay," he smiled, "No drinking. Don't know how else to make this wedding bearable, but…"

"Mm," Sally agreed, "You and me both…"