-Wedding Crashers-

I Do

"You sure took your sweet time!" Jack called up from the foot of the grand staircase in the hotel lobby as Rose, arm-in-arm with Pete, descended carefully. She was mostly focused on trying not to trip than anything else.

"I'm only ten minutes late," said Rose, "It's fine."

"I think your husband-to-be might implode if you take any longer," he joked. When she got to the bottom of the steps, a short train trailing behind her by a foot or so, she finally looked at him and he grinned. "C'mere!" he pulled her into a hug.

"Careful of my bouquet," she said.

He laughed and relinquished her, "Look at you, all grown up. You look beautiful."

"Thanks. So do you, now you're out of your bloody military outfit." He'd put on a tuxedo for the occasion. He'd come quite close to wearing a dress, but Ianto had told him off for potentially showing up the bride (though, he still thought Rose would have loved it.)

"Feeling okay?" he asked.

"I'm… I'm absolutely bricking it, to be honest," she half-laughed.

"I'd be more worried if you weren't."

"Are you ready to go in?" Pete asked her. She took his arm again.

"Yeah. I mean, I'm scared, but at least there aren't any aliens here trying to kill us all."

Jack laughed as convincingly as he could: if only she knew…

In the ceremony room, everybody was sitting down aside from the registrar at the front – a stranger none of them had ever seen before – and Sally Sparrow at the back, ready to take her photographs.

"I always hate this part," said the Eleventh Doctor quietly as they waited. He had Clara on his left and the Ponds to his right, and it was them to whom he was speaking, "It's boring. That's why I skipped yours."

"We also didn't remember who you were at that point," said Rory.

"Well, I suppose. But still. The party afterwards is the best bit. With the dancing."

"And the alcohol," said Amy, "I am getting so drunk as soon as I get the chance…"

The registrar cleared his throat and captured the attention of the room, the guests all murmuring to each other. There were only around thirty of them.

"Will you all please stand for the bride," the registrar said. They did, Oswin having to cling to Adam Mitchell's arm to do so on the row behind Eleven and his ilk, as the bridal march began to play over the speakers.

"Would you two stop?" Oswin hissed at Jenny and Nios next to her, both of whom were on their phones. Nios was still texting Cohen, while Jenny was giving Ravenwood – who was still hiding upstairs and trying to avoid any and all religious aspects of the service – point-by-point updates. Nios did put her phone away somewhat huffily, but Jenny was taking her sweet time. Oswin hit her with her cane.

"Alright," Jenny whispered back at her, annoyed, locking her phone and keeping it held awkwardly in her broken hand, still trapped in its plaster cast.

There were no page boys to lead the way for the bride, since this wedding was strictly a child-free affair (though Rose could have gotten her young half-brother to do it, currently being babysat by family friends in the parallel world), and no bridesmaids, either. Only Jack, who came down the aisle first, painfully slowly since he was stuck waking left-together-right-together all the way. He managed to flash a grin and a wink at Ianto as he did this, which Jenny scoffed at quietly because she was a child, and finally made it to the end of the aisle to ask Donna how she was doing in a whisper.

Then it was time for the main event. As Rose appeared with Pete Tyler at her side to give her away, the Tenth Doctor almost collapsed where he stood.

"Just take deep breaths, stay calm," Donna told him firmly. Rose wasn't wearing a veil and couldn't stop herself from smiling at him when she saw him standing there.

"To be fair, she does look really hot," Clara whispered to her husband, who rolled his eyes. "I hope you react like that when we get properly married."

"You'll be so lucky." They quietened as soon as Rose came to pass them by, Clara not wanting to get told off for talking through her wedding ceremony since Rose already looked for any excuse to get upset with Clara.

On the other side of the room, Clyde Langer lowered his voice to say, "How long do these things usually last, again?" Rani hit him on the arm with her clutch.

"It's just started."

"I'm only here for the free food," he joked.

"There's free food?" asked Sky, her eyes lighting up.

"Shh," Rani ordered them.

Rose continued to walk, and the song continued to play, finally reaching the front of her room. Donna was holding the rings on a small cushion while Jack was on hand to help Rose adjust her dress from where the walking down the stairs and then the aisle had made it a little wonky. Pete let go of Rose's hand and smiled at her, going to join Jackie on the front row as Rose turned to face the Doctor.

"You alright?" she asked him. He couldn't control his smile.

"I'm brilliant," he said. There were some titters throughout the room as Ten took Rose's free hand, the one she didn't have her bouquet in, and they turned to face the registrar. Oswin whacked Nios on the ankle when she tried to sneak a look at her phone again. Everybody except for the people involved in the ceremony sat back down.

"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the wedding of Rose Tyler and John Smith." There were a few soft groans in the room when she said 'John Smith.' It was bizarre. Clara wondered if this wedding was actually legally binding, but it was probably completely fraudulent. They couldn't even have slipped the registrar some cash to have him say 'the Doctor' during the ceremony? "My name is Alonso-" Ten laughed here a little awkwardly, but 'Alonso' went right on talking, "-and I will be conducting the ceremony. I'm sure it means a great deal to them that you can be here to share in their happiness on this occasion.

"Rose and John have found themselves separated by circumstance many times over the years, but have always come back to one another, and today they intend to cement this bond in law and devote themselves to one another. Can the father of the bride please step forward?" Pete did. "Do you here give this woman to be married to this man today?"

"I do," he said.

"You may step back down." He nodded and did just that, again re-joining Jackie. "The place in which we are now met has been duly sanctioned, according to law, for the celebration of marriages. You are here to witness the joining in matrimony of Rose Tyler and John Smith. If any person present knows of any lawful impediment to this marriage, he or she should declare it now."

The room tensed. Was anybody going to speak? Was anybody going to bring up that Rose probably hadn't annulled her marriage to Tentoo in the other universe? That she had cheated on Tentoo with the Tenth Doctor? That everything was a sham? That Ten wasn't even a human, his name wasn't John Smith? As if pre-empting this, Rose gave a warning look around the room to her guests, like she was daring them to say something. In the end, nobody cared enough to try and halt the ceremony, so after a handful of seconds that felt like an age, Alonso the registrar continued with his spiel.

"Rose and John, before you are joined in matrimony I have to remind you of the solemn and binding character of the vows you are about to make-"

"I've got mine here," said Ten, taking out his crumpled and messy piece of paper, covered in crossings out. Alonso and Rose both stared at it. "…What?"

"We haven't discussed any custom vows," said Alonso.

"You don't, um…" Rose began, "You don't actually do your own vows. Because this isn't a civil ceremony." Ten's jaw dropped.

"What?"

"What have you written?" she asked, trying to take the paper from him. He withdrew it. "Have you written vows? Is that what people have been saying you've been worried about?"

"I – well – I thought – in films-"

"We're not in a film," Rose laughed, "Oh my god, you have, haven't you?"

"He has," said Donna, when he wouldn't answer.

"That's… I love that," she was still laughing, "Let me read them – can I just read them?" she asked the registrar.

"If you like. He can read them out, if he wants? We can squeeze in an impromptu reading."

"No!" he exclaimed, "I spent all this time – just for them to-"

"Hey, it's fine," Rose squeezed his hand, "I'll read them tonight when we're alone. It's not a waste, it's amazing. It's cute!"

"I don't want to be cute," he complained.

"Well, that's tough," she said. He scrunched up the paper and put it back in his pocket. "Wrote his own vows, can you believe it? It's like we're on telly," she addressed the room. There were some laughs.

"Shall I continue?" asked Alonso.

"Yes, please," said Rose, still amused.

"Rose and John, before you are joined in matrimony I have to remind you of the solemn and binding character of the vows you are about to make. 'Marriage, according to the law of this country is the union of two people, voluntarily entered into for life, to the exclusion of all others.'

"The purpose of marriage is that you may always love, care for and support each other through all the joys and sorrows life, and that love may be fulfilled in a relationship of permanent and continuing commitment. Today Rose and John wish to publicly affirm this commitment and offer each other the security that comes from legally binding vows, sincerely made and faithfully kept.

"Now I am going to ask each of you in turn to declare that you know of no lawful reason why you should not be married to each other." They actually knew of a slew of lawful reasons but were almost certainly going to keep schtum on them. "Rose Tyler, please say the following words after me: 'I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawful impediment why I, Rose Tyler, may not be joined in matrimony to John Smith.'"

"I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawful impediment why I, Rose Tyler, may not be joined in matrimony to John Smith," Rose repeated without hesitation. She was paying for the wedding with a stolen credit card, after all, so probably couldn't care less that she was marrying an alien.

"John Smith, please say the following words after me," said Alonso the registrar, "'I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawful impediment why I, John Smith, may not be joined in matrimony to Rose Tyler.'"

His voice quivered a little when he spoke, but he did manage to get the words out: "I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawful impediment why I, John Smith, may not be joined in matrimony to Rose Tyler."

Alonso spoke again, "Now the moment has come for Rose Tyler and John Smith to contract their marriage before you, their… sorry, who are your witnesses?"

"What? Oh," said Rose, "Forgot about that…" She forgot she needed witnesses? Clara thought it was a little odd there had been no mention of it. Rose took it into her own hands, however, and didn't ask either her parents nor the chief bridesmaid or best man to do it. Instead, she beckoned to Mickey and Martha, who were on the front row of the right-hand side of the room (Ten's, where most of the crew were, though the seating plan wasn't very strict).

"You want us to do it?" Martha asked.

"Yes, get up here, it'll be good," said Rose, "You just have to sign the thing." Mickey and Martha were surprised but weren't about to shirk the responsibility. Rose was still their top choice for godmother, even with Gwen very passionately throwing her own hat into the ring – if there was a ring – and after Rose's drunken escapades the previous day. They left their seats to hover a little closer to the front.

"What are your names?" Alonso asked them.

"Martha Jones and Mickey Smith," Martha answered for them both, "Or Michael if you need the full name for the thing." Alonso resumed. Donna hadn't even known that Mickey's name was short for something.

"Now the moment has come for Rose Tyler and John Smith to contract their marriage before you, their witnesses, family, and friends. You may now exchange the rings." Donna held the rings out to them, and they took them. "Rose Tyler, please say the following words after me… 'I give you this ring as a sign of our marriage,'" Rose repeated it when Alonso paused, "'as a token of my love and affection and as a symbol of our commitment to each other… I call upon these persons here present to witness that I, Rose Tyler, do take thee, John Smith, to be my lawful wedded husband.'"

"I, Rose Tyler, do take thee, John Smith, to be my lawful wedded husband," Rose slid the ring onto his finger. Alonso continued.

"'I promise to love and care for you, honour and respect you… and share with you all that I have… May we look forward to our future together with hope and happiness… and always remember the feelings we share for each other on this our wedding day.'" With Rose's bit over, all eyes turned to Ten, the Doctor, to see whether he actually would make a commitment in front of all these people. Even Eleven got a little uncomfortable watching; he'd hardly had planned-out weddings to anybody he'd sworn himself to. Not to River, not to Marilyn Monroe, and certainly not Clara, the woman he'd drunkenly eloped with in Las Vegas.

"John Smith, please say the following words after me… 'I give you this ring as a sign of our marriage… as a token of my love and affection and as a symbol of our commitment to each other… I call upon these persons here present to witness that I, John Smith, to take thee, Rose Tyler, to be my lawful wedded wife.'"

"I, John Smith, do take thee, Rose Tyler, to be my lawful wedded wife," he put the ring on Rose's finger now, shaking a little, but he'd gotten the hard part over with.

"'I promise to love and care for you, honour and respect you… and share with you all that I have… May we look forward to our future together with hope and happiness… and always remember the feelings we share for each other on this our wedding day,'" Alonso concluded the parts they had to repeat, then he moved on to the next segment, directing Ten and Rose and Mickey and Martha over to the nearby register, set up neatly on a table, to sign everything correctly.

"Looks like a lot of paperwork," Oswin whispered while this went on. A few other people began to mutter too, as they waited for the bride, groom and witnesses to sign the big book.

"Freaks me out," Adam replied, "All these people watching…"

"We can exchange rings in a dark room on our own," Oswin told him. "If we got married it would have to be symbolic, anyway; I'm dead and from the future." Nios attempted to slyly text Dr Cohen again during the 'interlude', and Oswin rolled her eyes and just let her.

"I don't get it," said Jenny, "When do they do the bit where they mix the blood together?"

"I'm sorry?" asked Clara, overhearing from the row in front.

"The blood," she repeated.

"What are you talking about?" Oswin asked.

"You're thinking of a different species," Eleven whispered over his shoulder, "It's the Vukol who do that."

"Right, yeah, I am thinking of that…" she nodded. The signing was over, and Mickey and Martha returned to their seats. Alonso began to speak again, getting close to the conclusion of the ceremony.

"Rose Tyler and John Smith, you have both made the declarations prescribed by law and have made your promises to one another in the presence of your witnesses here today. Let us hope that this day will form a special day in your lives to look upon with much love and happiness.

"Rose Tyler and John Smith, it gives me great pleasure to declare that you are now legally married." There was gentle, polite applause throughout the room.

"At least something's going smoothly, for once," said Rose, completely oblivious to all the extra-terrestrial fires the others had been putting out all morning.

"I did it! I got married!" the Tenth Doctor announced, beaming. More than a few people in the room were surprised that they'd been able to go through with it, with Ten's extreme nerves combined with Rose's drunken disappearances. But they had, and that was that; now it was time for the most important thing of all, and the real reason they had all deigned to attend: free food and booze for the rest of the night.