-Wedding Crashers-

Cocktail Hour

"This is usually the part of a wedding when I find somebody to shag in the bogs," Oswin said, leaning back in a chair in the dining room. They were back in there as they waited for Sally to get through her portraits. Everyone was being led outside into the cold, December afternoon – it was just after two o'clock now, they were meant to sit down for the wedding breakfast at half three – in turn. "That's one of the downsides of being a hologram."

"What I love about what you just said," Clara began, "Is that nobody actually asked you."

"I think that's why people like to talk to me so much," said Oswin knowingly, "You never know what I'm gonna say next."

"I'd say that's one of the reasons people hate talking to you."

"Clara's got a point," said Nios, also sitting down and once again glued to her phone.

"You should get Cohen over here," said Oswin, "Then you could be shagging someone in the bogs."

"I think we should stop talking about this now," said the Eleventh Doctor.

"You don't want to nip off to the loos, then?" Clara asked him. He didn't answer immediately.

"Why are you thinking about it?" Nios said.

"I wasn't!" he protested. But he definitely had been. Clara just smirked and went back to her Buck's Fizz. Flutes of it were being distributed by the wait staff, who thankfully had not been murdered by Slitheen, though Jenny had had to disappear to the kitchen again with Adam Mitchell to deal with whatever she was cooking. It was a good thing he wasn't there to hear Oswin's glib comments about what she'd gotten up to in the bathrooms at weddings with her ex-girlfriend, he surely wouldn't enjoy that.

"Do you have another date lined up with this girl, then?" Clara asked Nios, "Or is it just texting?"

"It's… nothing's scheduled. I don't have any ideas of what to do."

"Show her around the TARDIS," Eleven suggested, "There are all sorts of things to do there."

"Yeah, and I don't know any of them, because I've barely been around the TARDIS," she said, "I don't even have a bedroom."

"You don't-!?" Eleven exclaimed, aghast, "You don't have a bedroom?" He turned to Clara, "Did you know about this?"

"No."

"I did," said Oswin, "It's terribly cruel to treat her like that. As if just because she's a synthetic, you think she doesn't even deserve her own space. Despicable. Dump him, Clara. I'll stand for nothing less."

"And you do a lot of standing, do you?" Clara countered.

"Because that's not offensive…" she muttered.

"I'll set one up for you as soon as we get back to the TARDIS later," said Eleven, "And I'll give you the tour. How long have you been with us, again?"

"Seventy-two days."

"I'll make it up to you," he announced, "I'll take you and this girl – what's her name?"

"Cohen, Dr Cohen."

"I'll take the pair of you wherever you like. And we'll all stay out of your way, promise. And you can have anything you want in this room, any books, or… other things you're interested in," he said awkwardly. He'd really never spoken to Nios at all.

"Like where? Where's good for a date?"

"Well," the Doctor put his hands together, "I'm very glad you asked that question, I have plenty of good date spots…"

Elsewhere, Martha Jones paced up and down in the ladies' toilets. She was hiding from her mother. She'd been ready and willing to deliver the good news but had completely frozen up as soon as Francine tried to talk to her properly at the wedding, ducking into the bathroom. It was only a matter of time until she ventured into the loos to investigate though. Every time the doors opened Martha braced herself for the worst.

When they were pushed open once again she jumped, but it was only Esther.

"Oh, hey," she said, surprised.

"Hi," Martha sighed. The lights overhead flickered.

"I swear that's not me," said Esther. They continued to flicker, then went completely dark for a handful of seconds, until switching back on properly.

"Maybe it's something to do with having you and Sky in the same building."

"Sky?"

"Sky Smith. She's got… something going on, I don't know. Makes lights flash, that sort of thing," said Martha, "She's out there with Sarah Jane's lot."

"Could be…" said Esther, approaching one of the stalls. But she stopped partway across the room. "You okay?"

"My mum's out there."

"I know, she tried to talk to Sally."

"Oh, god… what did Sally say?"

"Nothing, uh… compromising. She was just rude. Y'know, like always. She's frustrated about the photos… does your mom know yet?"

"No," Martha admitted, "I was going to tell her today. I am going to tell her today. Just as soon as I… I don't know, I'm scared, alright? This is massive. And if I tell her, she's just gonna…"

"Will she not be happy?" Esther asked, joining her by the sinks.

"She'll be too happy."

"Too happy?"

"Does that sound weird?"

"Kinda."

"It'll be a lot to take in. Stifling. She'll be coddling me, never giving me a moment to myself," Martha complained. The door was pushed open again and it went swinging towards the wall. She shut up immediately. Once again, it wasn't her mother. This time it was Gwen Cooper.

"What's going on here?" she asked, "Are you gossiping?"

"No, we're not gossiping – how old are you?" Martha questioned.

"Martha's scared of telling her mom she's pregnant," said Esther. Martha scowled at her. "What? It's just Gwen, she's trustworthy."

"She's right out there, she's been talking to Rhys."

"What about?" Martha was alarmed.

"Moaning about the M25, mainly."

"That's good…" she was glad Rhys hadn't been running his mouth.

"What? The M25 is good? You know, you'd think the bloody congestion charge would get that road to-"

"Not the M25 – and what do you care? You live in Cardiff, not London. You don't have to drive on it. Just good that he hasn't told her before I can."

"Honestly, if you want my advice, you should just do it," said Gwen, "Like ripping off a plaster. Do you want me to go get her?"

"Do not go and get her," Martha ordered.

"Are you sure? Might be easier to tell her in the toilet instead of out there, with all the guests," said Gwen. Martha crossed her arms huffily, thinking. She looked at Esther to prompt her to give her opinion.

"I think maybe the privacy is good," she said, "It's not gonna get less scary the more you put it off."

"And at least it'll mean something interesting happens today," said Gwen, "God knows, this wedding's been tedious. I can't wait for the bar to open."

"Alright!" said Martha loudly, "Could you… go and get her for me? Please? I'll… I'll tell her. I'll tell her now." Gwen smiled, nodded, and left the bathroom. Martha went to lean against the sinks, clutching the counter-top beneath her hands.

"You're, um… you're burning the…" Esther pointed. Martha looked down and saw the plastic surface was melting a little under her hands. She ran them under the cold tap for a few seconds and steam curled off her skin. "You got any names picked out yet?"

"No. You know, I never thought I'd…" She sighed. "But here I am, so…"

"For what it's worth, I think you'll be good parents, you and Mickey," Esther smiled, "And you've got, like, a million people willing to help out." Martha didn't say anything else, and Esther couldn't gauge whether or not she should keep talking or if she was being irritating.

"Have you never wanted kids?" Martha asked, "I mean, I know you're…"

"Asexual."

"Yeah, that, but… you could, I don't know, adopt? How old were you when you died?"

"Thirty."

"With a good job?"

"Sure. The CIA pays well."

"And you never thought about it?"

"Oh, I never had the time for something like that. And Sarah was always a handful, like I was saying this morning… I spent a lot of time with my nieces. Alice and Melanie."

"Where are they now?"

"With a foster family. They're together. I keep an eye on them, y'know, with the computers… I sometimes think I should go over there, back to Washington, but… it's probably more trauma than it's worth. Jack told me they were at my funeral, with Sarah, just before she…" Esther paused for a while, crossing her arms, and then forced a smile. "I think they're okay."

The door opened again, and Martha's heart skipped a beat because this time it was her mother, wrangled by Gwen Cooper (unable to hide how thoroughly excited she was) and dragged into the toilets.

"Martha? What's going on? Why are you hiding in here?" Francine questioned.

"I'm not hiding," said Martha very unconvincingly.

"Is it Mickey?"

"Is what Mickey?"

"Are you… you know," Francine lowered her voice.

"Uh…"

"Splitting up?" she mouthed.

"No! Why would you think we were splitting up?"

"Because you're hiding in a toilet and he doesn't know where you are."

"I'm. Not. Hiding. And we're not splitting up, alright? Why would you even say that? You like him."

"Well, what are they doing here?" she indicated Gwen and Esther, who were lurking by the hand dryers.

"I don't know," said Martha, looking between them. She wanted them to leave.

"I did actually come in here to use the, uh…" Esther looked at the stalls, "But it's fine. I'll hold it in… c'mon." She took Gwen away, much to her disappointment, leaving Martha alone with her mother. She preferred not having an audience.

"Well? What's going on? Is there some other reason I've been dragged all the way out to Middlesex? Do you know, the M25 has been an absolute-"

"I'm pregnant," she cut off Francine before she could moan too much about the ring road.

"Oh my god," she gasped, putting a hand to her face, "And is it…? Who's the father?"

"Who's the-!? I've had it up to here with people asking me who the bloody father is!" she protested, "What sort of person do you think I am?" Francine just looked at her, waiting for an answer, which annoyed Martha even more. "It's Mickey's! Obviously!"

"That's wonderful!" she threw her arms around Martha. "How long have you known? How far along are you? Are you going to find out the sex? Does Mickey know? Have you thought about godparents?"

"Mum, could you just…" Martha pulled away from the hug, "Just slow down. I only found out two weeks ago, and I'm only five weeks gone. Yes, Mickey knows, he was the first person who found out barely five minutes after I did. We haven't talked about finding out what the sex is, and before you ask we haven't thought about names, either. We think Jack's going to be the godfather. Gwen and Rose are fighting over being godmother."

"Rose? Mickey's ex-girlfriend?"

"That was ages ago. And in case you haven't noticed, being as we are at her wedding, she's moved on," Martha said sarcastically.

"But… you can't raise a child on that spaceship."

"I know. We've decided we're going to move."

"When?"

"Later this week, probably. Maybe even tomorrow. Coming back to Earth. Building a proper home, you know? And I'll go get a normal job in a hospital, and Mickey said he wants to stay at home to help there. But please, slow down with the questions and the advice and the helpful tips, I'm overwhelmed enough as it is…"

As Martha continued to confide in her mother, the bride and groom were trapped in the freezing weather to get their photos taken against a backdrop of picturesque frost. It was still too cold for it to have melted by the afternoon, and it was getting more unpleasant by the minute as Sally beckoned various people out for photos.

"Why did we pick December, again?" Rose asked through gritted teeth as she forced a smile for the camera.

"It's unique," said the Doctor.

"You're not cold?"

"Nah. I'm fine." She didn't believe him.

"Seems a bit weird now."

"What does?"

"Like-"

"Go stand by that tree," Sally called over at them, pointing at a tree. She picked up her dress to stop it from getting dirty and walked over.

"Like, rushing. It's literally only been a month…"

"I thought we were on the same page?" he was alarmed.

"No, we were, I'm just thinking," she turned to smile for the camera again.

"And we've both had weddings before," he reminded her. Secretly, Rose was beginning to understand why Clara and the Doctor – after getting married no less than twice – were in the midst of planning a third attempt.

"I'm going to get Jack and Donna," Sally said loudly, turning to go back into the hotel, which was a large stately home. It was a nice venue; she liked it more than going to a church.

"Have you noticed anything weird today?" Rose asked while they waited.

"Weird like what?"

"Dunno. Mum was being odd. Had a right go at me in the suite this morning."

"Did she? She seems fine now," he said. They'd already had photos taken with their parents, which was just her parents because he didn't have any. Sally hadn't yet been able to wrangle Jenny from wherever she'd disappeared off to, despite Jenny's promise that she would be in at least some of the photos.

"I suppose…" said Rose unsurely.

"Probably ate something that didn't agree with her. But no, I haven't noticed anything. Apart from everyone avoiding me."

"Aww," she gave him a pitiful smile he didn't necessarily appreciate. "Well, I'm here now. I won't avoid you."

Sally, Jack and Donna came out of the front doors of the building, Sally pointing them towards the tree and giving them some instructions on how they should be standing. Rose had to give her credit for her professionalism, especially when they'd really just let her do the photos out of sympathy.

"How's the day been going on your end, then?" Rose asked the pair of them when they approached.

"Fine, fine," said Donna, "All good. Very little's been going on, actually." A complete lie, but they weren't to know that.

"Do you know where Jenny is?" the Doctor asked.

"Bothering her girlfriend, probably. Trying to get her to come out of her room," Donna shrugged.

"I wanted her for the photos…" he mumbled, disappointed.

"I'll find her for you when we're done here," Donna smiled at the camera, standing at Ten's shoulder. "Although I don't know what good forcing her to be in the photos will do when she doesn't like you."

"She likes the other one," he complained, "And it wasn't even his hand tissue that got into that machine. It was mine."

"Maybe you should've thought about that when you agreed to have dinner with her two months ago and the bailed," Donna quipped through a smile.

"Donna's got a point," said Jack.

"You can talk," said the Doctor, "She likes you less than me."

"I doubt that," said Rose.

"What!?"

Sally interrupted loudly, still looking through her camera lens, "Could you stop talk…" she trailed off and then moved the camera, fixated on something behind them, "What was that?" The four of them turned to look but just saw the trees surrounding the hotel.

"Did you see something?" Ten asked her. She looked like she'd seen a ghost.

"No, I… I just thought…" she paused, then managed to regain her composure, "Just keep still, oaky?" They got back to the photography.

"Jenny does not hate me, alright?" said Ten huffily, still focused on denying that he had a terrible relationship with his daughter, "She thinks very highly of me. I'm her father."

Inside, Jenny herself was painting a different story.

"I don't know why I have to leave the kitchen," she moaned, Clara Ravenwood dragging her out of the room by her arm, "Someone should stay in there to make sure the wait staff don't find evidence of those dead bodies. The fire isn't put out yet."

"There's a fire?" Ravenwood was alarmed.

"What? No, it's like, a… proverbial fire. Could start up again at any moment."

"I thought you moved the bodies?"

"Yes, but they're still missing, and that room is covered in forensic evidence. You said yourself that you could smell the dead humans."

"I have a very strong sense of smell, and they do smell, uh…"

"What?" Jenny prompted.

"Don't think I should say what they smell like to me." Appetising, mostly. Jenny stopped while they walked.

"Do you have a flask with you?" she asked seriously.

"No, I just thought I'd kill one of the wedding guests if I got peckish," she said sarcastically, "Yes, obviously I have a flask with me. Hip flask in my tights."

"Ooh, like an alcoholic."

"Exactly," Ravenwood smiled and stepped around a shaft of sunlight coming through one of the windows. "Come on, you have to show your face. You promised you'd be in the photos."

"I shall only be in the photos if you're with me."

"Mm, but I don't show up in photos."

"Then I suppose I won't be in any at all."

"Be nice, Jen."

"I'm always nice," Jenny muttered as she was dragged back into the dining room where everybody was milling about drinking cocktails. Ravenwood seized a flute from the nearest tray, left to congeal on a table.

"Who am I meant to be, anyway?" she asked, "A long-lost triplet?"

"Oh, just tell them the truth," Jenny shrugged, "Everybody here is 'in the know.'"

"How much of the truth…?"

"Uh… just the parallel universe stuff," then Jenny stepped closer to her and lowered her voice considerably, "I think the vampire thing will probably freak people out a bit too much. Try not to turn into a bat."

"I'll do my best," she said dryly. "Who are we here to talk to, anyway?" Ravenwood didn't get on too well with the rest of the TARDIS crew, only Jenny gave her the time of day.

"I don't know. Who do you think will be interesting?" Jenny mused, looking around the room. It didn't last for long; from through a group of people Ravenwood didn't recognise, Donna Noble pushed her way through.

"There you are," she said when she saw Jenny, "Come with me, the Doctor's going mental whinging about you disappearing."

"Sorry that I'm trying to keep his wedding breakfast afloat," Jenny hissed, but Donna was already dragging her away by her other hand – the one Ravenwood wasn't holding – and Jenny didn't even have a chance to smile goodbye until she was gone. That left Ravenwood alone in a room full of people, people who either didn't like her or were complete strangers.

"Are you alone?" a girl she'd never seen before in her life asked, from the group Donna had emerged through.

"Apparently. For the next few minutes or so, at least," she answered. The other three the girl was with, another girl and two boys, all of them teenagers, were startled upon spotting her.

"Didn't see you there," said the older girl, "Which one are you?"

"Depends," said Ravenwood.

"On what?"

"How many of us you think there are."

She frowned, "Two?"

"Three, actually," she sipped some of her Buck's Fizz. "I'm Clara. Ravenwood. From a parallel universe."

"Parallel universe? We had a friend once who had a nasty run-in with a parallel universe."

"Oh, really?" she still didn't know who they were.

"I'm Rani," the older girl introduced, "This is Sky. That's Clyde and Luke."

"Oh right. You're, um… I feel like the Doctor mentioned you to me once, but… I haven't seen him in a long time."

"There are three of him here at this wedding," said Clyde.

"Different Doctor. Again, parallel universe."

"So, how do you get invited to a wedding in a parallel world?" Rani inquired.

"I live here, actually, in this universe," she said, "After some incidents. And I wasn't invited, they wouldn't have me here at all if the Tenth Doctor didn't have an interest in keeping Jenny in a good mood."

"Jenny requested they bring you here from a different universe?" Clyde asked.

"Well, no – I'm her girlfriend."

"But… but hang on," Rani began, "How can you be…? If in another universe you're married to the Doctor? To Jenny's father?"

"Yeah, no, it's weird," she said, "We all sort of, collectively try not to think about it. I've never had anything to do with the Doctor, though, not the one where I come from."

"Is that why you ditched the ceremony?"

"Oh, no, that's just because of, uh… I wake up late," she said awkwardly. When was Jenny going to return and rescue her from small talk? She was failing at it on every level, and apparently, Sally and Esther were also occupied one way or another. "Why? Did I miss something good? Did anyone object?"

"No, unfortunately," Rani sighed, "It's all been very boring."

"I like it," said Sky brightly, "I've never been to a wedding."

"At least the Trickster hasn't shown up at this one," said Luke.

Before Ravenwood could think of anything else to say, Jenny was at her side again, reappearing from a different direction.

"That was absolutely tedious," she said, touching Ravenwood's waist and lowering her voice again, "I hate being in the middle of this game."

"What game would that be?"

"This one-upmanship between the two Doctors – Ten and Eleven. Just showing off to each other. Have you seen my dad? He's wearing a top hat and tails. And a scarf." When Jenny talked about her 'dad' so colloquially, she was always referring to Eleven. "And now that one out there is trying to pretend that I'm not only here because Rose begged me to come. Honestly, at this rate, I'd rather go back upstairs."

"Did you get any good pictures, then?"

"I got one. Sally's in a mood with me because I ran off. But unlike you, I don't care what Sally thinks, because I don't fancy her."

"Very funny." Only then did Jenny seem to realise that Clara had actually engaged people in conversation, and it took her a few moments to place them.

"You must be Sarah Jane's lot," she smiled and held out a hand for them to shake, becoming her usual, charming self, "I'm Jenny, I don't think we've met properly. If the Tenth Doctor talks to you, don't let on that I don't want to be here and I'm thinking about sneaking away, okay?"

"Does anyone want to be here?" asked Clyde, looking around the room.

"I reckon James Elliott probably does," said Jenny, "But only because he's hoping Sally will give him some attention."

"Aren't we all," said Ravenwood wistfully. Jenny rolled her eyes. "Do you think he's only brought Christina to make her jealous?"

"Christina is the one with the invitation, Elliott is her plus one," Jenny explained. Ravenwood hadn't picked up on that when she'd run into them earlier while rescuing the Twins.

"Well. Maybe it's not manipulative. She's quite hot, to be fair." Jenny put her hands on her hips and raised her eyebrows. "What?"

"You're telling me that you think the woman with whom my husband cheated on me is 'quite hot'?"

"Do you know, I think I'm going to back out of this conversation and, uh, retract my previous remarks," Ravenwood said. "Who actually did invite her?"

"Ugh. The Doctor. The Doctor who's apparently very interested in keeping me on his good side, and he goes and does this," she explained, irritated, "Rose doesn't like her either… I should get back to the kitchen. Adam's stuck in there, but nobody'll notice if he's missing. No one wants to talk to Adam."

"What? Then what do I do? I don't know where Esther is," said Ravenwood.

"You can come with me if you promise not to touch anything."

"Oh, by the way," Rani asked as they were about to leave, "Do you know who that bloke is?" She indicated a harmless-looking blond man wandering around the dining hall aimlessly. "We saw Rose's mum shouting at him earlier. Something to do with pizza."

"Not a clue," said Jenny, "You should talk to him, he looks… sad." Unbeknownst to all of them, it was Elton Pope.

"When are we due to eat, anyway?" Clyde asked after they'd all watched the stranger loaf around the room for a bit longer than was polite.

"Ten minutes," said Jenny, "So I'd really better get back to the kitchen to make sure the soup is ready."

"Sorry, you're cooking?" Luke frowned.

"Yeah, well, there was an incident this morning. With some Slitheen. And cyanide in the Gazpacho soup. Don't tell the bride or groom," Jenny advised, "So, um, the whole menu's been changed. But don't worry, I'm a trained chef." She took Clara's hand. "Nice to meet the four of you, finally. I'll come and talk again later when I'm not trying to cook a meal for forty people on the side."

"Fair enough," said Clyde, "You should get back to that. We're only here for the food."

"No pressure, though," Luke added with a smile.

"I'll be fine," Jenny said, dragging Clara out of the room, "In a bit!" she waved brightly over her shoulder before vanishing out of the room.

"They're weird," said Rani, "She's sort of going out with her own stepmother. When you think about it." Overhead, the lights in the room all flickered again, and a few people groaned with annoyance. Sarah Jane's gang turned their eyes on Sky.

"I keep telling you, I'm not doing anything to the lights," she insisted.

"Yeah, alright," said Clyde, "Maybe you'll feel a bit better once we've eaten. Just ten more minutes…"

"Is food the only thing you think about?" Rani asked.

He grinned, "Yep. And I. Can't. Wait."