-Wedding Crashers-
R U Mine?
Nios was lingering on the fringe of the crowd while everybody gathered around to watch Ten and Rose cut their TARDIS cake. Sally Sparrow had returned from her brief disappearance, which not many people had noticed, and was hovering nearby to snap pictures of the cake cutting. They were all very excited to finally get their hands on the pudding, which had been standing tantalisingly next to the top table for most of the evening, but Nios was indifferent. She thought it was a very interesting cake and would like to know how to make one herself, but that was as far as her intrigue went. She could not decide whether she was envious of them for their ability to eat it, but did not want to dwell on those thoughts.
Her phone began to buzz, and she almost dropped it in her hurry to answer. It wasn't Dr Cohen though. In fact, Cohen hadn't responded to any of her messages for a while now, which made her sad because she knew Cohen had the day off and had been texting her straight back all day. It was Oswin. Nios answered.
"Hello?"
"I'm outside," said Oswin.
"Outside where?"
"The room. In the hallway." Nios frowned and looked over, spotting Oswin in the windows built into the double doors of the reception hall.
"Good for you. Are you enjoying it?"
Oswin laughed, "Very cute. I need your help with something."
"Why aren't you in here to watch them with the cake?" Nios asked. Adam Mitchell was looking decidedly lonely and had been forced to strike up a conversation with Elton about his concrete slab girlfriend; for some reason, Oswin had been absent for a while. Nios had assumed the people had gotten too much for her.
"I mean, nothing makes me horny like cake, obviously, but I have other stuff going on. Now come on, don't leave me hanging." Oswin ended the call, leaving Nios thoroughly confused, but she supposed she had no reason to stay there if Oswin wanted her for something. She didn't know what it could be, though.
With everyone still preoccupied with the cake, it was easy for her to slip out of the room without anybody asking where she was going, pushing through into the cold hallway to find Oswin looking very pleased with herself.
"What's going on?" Nios asked.
"Need you to trust me. Come on." Oswin held out her arm for Nios to take – which was entirely so she could use Nios as a secondary walking aid along with her cane – and Nios did so, though she was still very suspicious. She hoped Oswin hadn't been building another bomb in her time away from the festivities. "How's Adam? Is he alright?"
"I haven't been babysitting him," said Nios. Oswin waited. Nios relented. "He's talking to Elton about music."
"Elton?"
"With the concrete slab."
"Oh, him. I heard he went on a date with Jackie Tyler, and now he's at Rose's wedding – I wonder why they invited him? Do you know, I saw some Weeping Angels here tonight as well?"
"Shouldn't you do something about that?"
"Done and dusted, Ni," said Oswin, "Literally. Dust."
"Where are we going?"
"Just upstairs," said Oswin, ambling towards the lift. She clambered inside and pushed the button for the appropriate floor, holding onto Nios so that she didn't fall over all the while.
"Why didn't you stay in the wheelchair?"
"This building has terrible accessibility, that's why. No ramps, lots of awkward bumps on the floor… that's period buildings for you. This is why I prefer the future; everything's smooth, plenty of ramps, hover wheelchairs… I should really get one of those. Ooh, but do you know what I saw this week in Tokyo that was incredibly sexy? Apart from Jenny."
"What?" asked Nios, already regretting it.
"An exoskeletal mesh made from nano-densi," said Oswin, "I basically came right there."
"And what are you going to do with it? Apart from use it to stimulate yourself, I assume."
Oswin laughed again like she had said something profoundly funny. "Nice one. I'm gonna build a brace for my shitty leg, that's what. Should help keep me upright without needing anybody else to prop me up. Not that I don't love when you touch me, but – ah, here we are." The lift doors opened; there weren't many floors in the building. Nios eventually realised that Oswin was leading her to her own room.
"What is this? Are you sure you're alright?"
"I'm on top of the world," said Oswin, reaching over to open the door to Nios's room, "Don't say I never do anything for you."
"What do you mean? What have you done?" Oswin pushed the door open and there, sitting uncomfortably on the side of the bed, was Dr Cohen. Nios was stunned and glanced at Oswin for some kind of explanation. Oswin only smiled, winked, then disappeared, wandering off presumably to rescue her boyfriend from having to talk about pavements for any longer. Nios closed the door behind her and Cohen stood up.
"…Hi," said Cohen awkwardly. Nios stared at her.
"Hi," she said eventually. "Why are you here?" She realised that sounded rude. "Don't get me wrong, obviously I'm happy to see you, happier than I could put into words, but you said you couldn't come when I asked the other day."
"Aye, well, Oswin's very persistent, ah'll give her that."
"What did she do? If she said anything awful, I'm sorry."
"She did, but ah ignored it. She came tae us flat with the Shadow-"
"Is the Shadow here?" Nios looked around, trying to spot anything out of place.
"He's gone now, ah think. Something about cake. They came tae us flat and she begged me tae come along, promised ah wouldnae have tae leave yer hotel room or talk tae anybody else," Cohen explained. "So, ah gave up. Didnae put a dress oan, but you did. Ye look beautiful."
"Oh. Thanks. Nobody else has complimented me all day. Except Oswin, but she's been heinous since last night – she said some atrocious things to Rose's mother." Cohen shifted her weight from one leg to the other, clearly uneasy. "Sorry," Nios said abruptly after a few moments.
"For what?"
"For… I don't have much to say," she admitted, walking over to sit down on the bed next to Cohen so that she could sit down as well and put herself at ease. "I normally prepare ahead of time."
"Ye what?"
"Like, think of things to talk about," said Nios.
Cohen was amused, "That's bizarre; ye cannae jist think of things oaf the top of yer head?"
"Well – I'm still trying to impress you!" she defended herself, then sighed, "And doing an awful job of it, apparently."
"Impress us why?"
"Because you still haven't agreed to be official," said Nios. If she could blush, she would be doing so furiously. "So of course I want to continue the illusion that I'm capable of holding a conversation with a girl I'm smitten with for a normal length of time."
Cohen thought for a few moments, then asked, "Smitten?"
"Yes."
Cohen smiled and looked at the floor, "Ah think asking how somebody is is a good way tae start a conversation."
"How are you?" Nios asked immediately.
She laughed, "Ah'm okay."
"Just okay?"
"Us skin's flaring up, acne's bad. Have ye no noticed?"
"I suppose now you've pointed it out," said Nios. Much of her face was red and angry with spots, and the parts that weren't were covered in scars. "Oswin has this cream that can help with skin ailments; I could ask her about it if you like?" The same cream that worked miracles for healing burns and, at one point, the Eleventh Doctor's gangrenous hand.
"Does it bother you?"
"No, of course not. I think it's interesting."
"Ye think it's interesting?"
"Well, my skin is so boring, it never changes. No scars, no spots, I don't even have any freckles. Yours, though? I like that it's different whenever I see you. I only ask because it seems painful."
"Whit's yer skin made oaf?"
"Silicone." Cohen reached over to take her hand, turning it over and examining closer. Nios didn't mind this in the slightest.
"It jist feels like regular skin, mibbe a little colder, but no that cold." She was a machine, so she still ran hot.
"It would break the immersion if it didn't, that's the entire point of building synthetic humans and not just robots," said Nios. Cohen dropped her hand.
"Could ye git a tattoo?" Cohen, who was covered in ink, asked.
"I don't know," she smiled, "Shall I try and find out? They could just replace segments of my skin with skin of a different pigment. They do technically dye the silicone to begin with."
"What colour does it start as?"
"Translucent, but cloudy. Not really a colour. A little bit grey. So you see why they have to dye it, it would look weird if we were all grey," she said, "But they could make it any colour, I suppose. It's self-sealing so you can just switch it out if it gets damaged. Since we can't heal, you have to replace us, or bits of us. I have been meaning to ask about your tattoos, though."
"One of yer premeditated conversation pieces?"
"No – I – I'm genuinely curious."
"What about?"
"I don't know… how many do you have?"
"Mm… guess," Cohen challenged.
"Um… well, I've never seen you naked, so it would be quite hard to." Cohen was deathly silent. Nios realised what she had said. "Not that I – I mean – I didn't mean it like – I would love to, obviously, but not – I'm not objectifying you," she had really put her foot in her mouth. "If you wanted to, uh…"
"It's thirty-two," she said after a moment, "And yes, ye can see them all." Nios was going into meltdown. "No right now in this weird hotel room, though."
"Some point in the future, you mean?"
"Well, yeah."
"Like a fourth date?"
She laughed, "Ye are relentless, honestly."
"Is that good or bad?"
"Ah like ye so, ah suppose it's good."
"Which one did you get first?" Nios asked, "Tattoo, I mean."
"This one," she said, pointing out a very small, sad-looking ghost on the side of her wrist, "Ah got it the day ah turned eighteen. Two weeks later ah wis back tae git this skeleton," she rolled up her sleeve and showed Nios an entire, macabre skeleton occupying her inner forearm.
"Wow," said Nios. "Are they all like that?"
"Like what?"
"I don't know… goth?"
"Aye."
"Are you a goth?"
"When ah wis younger, dyed us hair black and everything. Ah used tae have more piercings, too, but ah got sick of 'em."
"Where have you got piercings?"
"Us tongue," said Cohen. Nios stared at her until she stuck her tongue out and revealed that it really was pierced. "Didn't ye notice?"
"No. I don't really have a frame of reference, though, for, um… kissing."
"Right," said Cohen, nodding. Nios couldn't think of anything else to say, and Cohen seemed to be waiting for her to do so.
"I feel a bit useless, to be honest."
"How dae ye mean?"
"I keep promising I'll think of a date idea and then I never get the chance. Oswin arranged this, of all people… I just, I want to do something, you know? Sort of."
"Sort of?"
"I… I don't know. Sometimes it feels like an inconvenience. Like, I have to think of something to do but it's all just a contrived situation to spend more time with you. All I actually want to do is talk to you. Sorry, I'm rambling."
"Is okay," said Cohen, "Ah'm really no that hard tae impress. Mibbe we could jist decide what we're doing together in future?"
"Together?" asked Nios.
"Alright," began Cohen purposefully; Nios was alarmed – what was she going to say? "This is the longest ye've gone without asking us tae go out with ye."
"I don't want to pressure you."
"Ah think ye should ask."
"Why?"
"Ah think ye might like the answer."
"Could you ask me, instead? I'm not really sure about the phrasing."
Cohen deliberated for a few seconds, moving her head side to side as she thought about what she was going to do. Then she spoke slowly and deliberately, enunciating as she did, "Do you want to be my girlfriend?"
"Yes, a million times yes to being your girlfriend," said Nios. "Or do I sound too eager? Is that bad? Is it bad to be eager? Is it lame?"
"Is no lame. It's cute."
"Well – great!" she said, then fell silent. "I don't really know what to say now."
"…How's the wedding been?"
"Dreadful. This is the only good thing that's happened all day. Completely overrun with mad aliens trying to kill us all," she shook her head, "I think I'll stay up here and avoid them all from now on. How long are you around for? Did you bring a bag?"
"A bag?" asked Cohen wryly.
"I don't mean-" she began, but Cohen laughed a little and cut her off.
"Ah dinnae have a bag. She said she'd take us home once the wedding dies down."
"I don't think that will take very long," said Nios, "They're all getting quite drunk." It was getting on for nine.
"Ye could come with us. If ye want, ah mean."
"I…" she froze again, thinking. What else was she going to do? Lurk around in the console room while everyone slept off their hangovers thinking about Cohen but not actually being around her? "If you don't mind."
"Ah don't."
"Then, yes. I'll come with you. I wish I could leave right now and get out of here, but I don't know how to fly the TARDIS."
"It's that bad?"
"Mm… I don't think I like weddings very much."
"Aye, me either. Ah've always said I will niver git married."
"Really?"
"Ah dinnae really believe in it. Even if ah did, we couldnae git married anyway."
"Why not?" Nios felt crestfallen but she didn't understand why. "Not that I'm saying I want to, just – now you've said it, it makes me wonder."
"Eugh, us mother would already disown me fae marrying a girl, let alone a girl who isnae Jewish. She doesn't know wit decade it is, frankly."
"Doesn't she know you're a lesbian?"
"She does, she jist tries tae pretend it's no true. Tries not to think about it, likesay. Or mibbe she forgets."
"Oh."
"It's jist marriage, though."
"What is?"
"That ah have a problem with," she explained, "The institution of marriage. No like, long-term relationships."
"That makes sense." She didn't know what she thought about marriage as a concept herself, she had never taken the time to think about it. She had never needed to think about it because she had never felt the inclination until very recently.
"…It's Emily, by the way," Cohen said.
"What is?" Had she missed part of the conversation?
"Us middle name. Since ye were asking wit the 'E' stands for."
"Hayley Emily Cohen?"
"Aye, and if ye niver call us that again it'll be too soon," she joked, "Dinnae wear it out."
"I won't," Nios promised, then she remembered something, "The Doctor said he'll make me a room of my own on the TARDIS earlier. I could put things in it. Books."
"Ah cannae wait tae see it," she said.
Nios was about to ask for further suggestions about what she could put in this room that was going to be all hers when there was a knock at the door. Her first assumption was that it was Oswin coming to pester her, but it wasn't.
"You in there, Nios?" It was Jenny. "Oswin said you were up here."
"I am."
"Can I come in?"
"…Only for a minute," said Nios.
"Who is it?" Cohen asked her quietly as Jenny opened the door. Jenny was very taken aback to see she had company.
"You must be Dr Cohen," said Jenny after thinking for a second, "Sorry for the intrusion – I'm Jenny. We haven't met yet."
"Hello," was all Cohen said.
"There's cake going if you fancy a slice?" Jenny suggested, "I could go grab one?"
"Ah'm okay. Thanks."
"Well, give me a shout if you need anything at all," said Jenny, still beaming. "But, I need to borrow Nios for a few minutes, if that's alright?"
"Why?" asked Nios.
"Ugh – Sally wants everybody for the last pictures of the night until they all get too intoxicated to stand up," Jenny sighed, "Oswin advocated for your presence, sort of."
"'Sort of'?"
"She didn't want you to be left out but insisted that things be over quickly so you could leave again. I see why now. I promise I'll bring her back as soon as possible," she said to Cohen.
"Do you mind?" Nios asked her, "I don't think it will take long."
"Ten minutes tops, if that," Jenny added.
"Is fine, if yer needed for the photos," said Cohen, "Ye are much too pretty tae leave out." Nios was embarrassed that she would say that in front of Jenny, but Jenny didn't make a snarky comment like somebody else might in her place.
"I'll be right back," said Nios, "Let me know if you do want any of the food bringing up. I've got my phone."
"Ah don't, but thanks for offering," she smiled as Nios left, Jenny holding the door open for her. As soon as it clicked shut Nios was desperate to return.
"What's going on?" she asked as Jenny began to walk.
"Nothing, pictures," she said, "I'm telling the truth."
"Surely it's too dark."
"That's Sally's problem, I suppose. I like her, by the way."
"Sally?"
"No, Cohen. What's that accent?"
"She's from Glasgow."
"I love it. Hope I didn't cramp your style too much." Jenny lowered her voice, "Is there any news? Did she agree to go out with you yet?" Nios weighed up the pros and cons of telling the truth, but her pause was all Jenny needed to deduce the correct answer. "Oh my god! Ni, I'm so happy for you!" She was bouncing off the walls.
"Don't patronise me."
"I'm not! It's great news! We can double-date." Nios remembered Jenny had suggested the exact same thing that morning when Cohen had explained (over text) how to best dispose of all that heroin she had stashed somewhere on the TARDIS.
"No. She doesn't like people much."
"You've got a lot in common, then," Jenny beamed at her, not put off in the slightest by Nios's best attempts to be standoffish. She pressed the button to call the lift. "At least something good as come out of this interminable wedding, then." She nudged Nios with her elbow. "Everything's coming up Nios."
And maybe it was.