I thought I wouldn't have any trouble getting to sleep, but now that I'm no longer being pumped by the Capitol's medicine, I find that my nights are plagued with nightmares. The first time, my parents burst into my room at my screams, and it took them a while to wake me up. When I do, I'm in Dad's arms, as mom whispers comforting things to me. Dani is crying in the corner and I feel awful, tainting their sleep. I'm afraid to sleep the rest of the night, and I force myself to stay up, which makes for an awful morning.
I pretend to rise when Dani does, and as soon as she spots me in the bed next to her, she seems surprised, then ecstatic, jumping into my bed and hugging me.
"I thought it was a dream!" She presses her face to mine, staring at me with her wide gray eyes. "But you're really home!"
"I sure am, little duck," I kiss her cheek. "Ready to move into our new house? You might get your own room!"
"I don't care about my own room. As long as you're there too," she says. My sweet little sister. This was why I would gladly endure the horrors of the games again. Because I can't even think about her stepping into that arena. She might have stood a worse chance than El who could at the very least hide in trees.
I pick her up on my back and we go down the stairs, where Mom and Dad are packing up a few things. As soon as they notice us though, they glance at each other, as if checking to see if they both see me here and I'm not some hallucination. And then, just like yesterday, they're pulling me into a hug. I'm a little uncomfortable from all the physical affection, it'll take some getting used to after enduring basically the opposite in the arena.
From what Haymitch had told my parents, the houses in the Victor's Village already come furnished and stocked with food, so we didn't pack much except for whatever was important to us, and some of our clothes. It's not like we had all that much to begin with so it doesn't take long to get everything over there. Dad closed the bakery for the day not that many people came on a Monday anyway.
"Do you want to take this over to Mr. Abernathy and Sawyer?" Dad asks, handing me a plate of muffins we had for breakfast. Now that we would never have to worry about money, we were able to be more liberal with the ingredients. At first, Mom and Dad felt weird about living off the money awarded to me as a victor, but once I convinced them that I'm still a kid and I shouldn't be in charge of that much money anyway, they were more inclined to agree, especially once I mentioned how much they could do for Dani now.
I walk across the wide cobblestone path separating the two sides of the Victor's Village. Haymitch is in the house closest to the entrance, and Sawyer is in the house next to him. Our house happens to be the one across from Haymitch, and the rest of the houses remain occupied.
I start with Haymitch since I'm not sure if he'll even answer the door. I knock and luckily, he opens the door right away. He's not as drunk as he had been those times I'd come to drop off his bread before the games. But he's definitely not fully sober.
"Whaddya got for me, sweetheart?" He asks, eyeing the muffins. He takes one and takes a bite. He nods, satisfied and goes to close the door but I stop him.
"What now?" I ask. Nobody ever told us what we're supposed to do after the games.
He shrugs. "Whatever you want for the next six months before they stick us on that train again. Don't care."
"Aren't you supposed to be our mentor?" I frown.
"For the Games. Don't think I signed up for life. Besides, I need a break too. You two are exhausting," he says, going to shut the door again. This time I don't stop him.
Instead, I walk right next door to Sawyer's house. It's such a big house, and he has so many siblings, it's a shame he's here alone. I knock on his door and there's some shuffling inside and the door opens to reveal a flour covered Sawyer. There are dark circles under his eyes, which I'm sure match mine. He must have had a hard time sleeping too.
"Willow?" He glances down at the plate in my hand. "What are you doing here?"
"Dad made muffins," I offer it to him and he takes the plate. "Although it looks like you might be doing some baking yourself."
"Your Dad gave me some recipes last night. Thought I'd try a few, although decorating is more my thing. Maybe I'll try something else," Sawyer says. "I need a distraction."
"Nightmares," I say, knowing exactly why he can't.
"Yeah." He reached up to brush his thumb under my eye. "You too, huh?"
I nod. It feels like there's an even bigger distance between us today. "I should get going," I say, leaving him watching me from his doorway. I'm such a coward, but all I wanted right now was to be alone, so that's what I do. I'm sure my parents won't mind, and Dani has to get to school anyway. School… As victors we don't have to go anymore, but it will be weird not to. I wonder what I will do with my day?
I spend almost the entire morning in the woods. I don't even consider getting my bow out, just trying to sit peacefully among the trees without feeling like I'm going to be attacked at any moment, but I can't. I keep expecting Herc to come through the trees to kill me. Every time I close my eyes, my instincts kick in and my heart beats faster. It will take a while to feel at peace here again. Eventually I head somewhere I hopefully won't be reminded of the games. School should be letting out soon so I wanted to get there before the square starts to fill with the other district kids.
The Hob hasn't changed at all, only now, I actually have money to spend. My first stop is Greasy Sae's stall where Ms. Piper is wearing the same apron, stirring that big pot.
"Willow! Our victor!" She announces. It seems to get the attention of everyone there and they immediately burst into applause and cheers, which makes me more uncomfortable than anything. I wish I could crawl under the table where I could be alone.
"Hi Ms. Piper. One bowl of your stew please," I hand her a few extra coins than usual. She smiles gratefully, giving me a huge heaping and I sit down to eat it. Though it's nowhere near as decadent as the lamb stew from the Capitol, it tastes like home and that's what I need. I eat, keeping my gaze down, but it feels like everyone is staring at me.
Someone takes the seat next to me and I'm about to scowl at them when I recognize the voice.
"Didn't realize Victors had to come to the Hob." I glance up to meet a pair of blue eyes that I haven't seen in years.
"Levi?" The blonde merchant boy next to me looks completely different from what I remember, although to be fair, the last time I really talked to him was when I was ten. His mom was friends with Aunt Madge, so we would often play together along with Dani and the rest of my cousins, but we were the closest in age. I would see him around school, I suppose, but I didn't really care enough to pay attention to be honest.
"How's fame and fortune treating you?" He asks, casually, handing Ms. Piper a coin. He takes the bowl and shoves a big spoonful into his mouth.
"What are you doing here?" I ask.
"Eating stew," Levi says. His mouth is full as he talks and I can't help but think of Effie and how she would scold him for his lack of manners.
"No, I mean what are you doing in the Hob?" Merchants didn't usually frequent the warehouse.
"I come and go," he says. "How's it feel to be back?"
"I don't know," I turn my attention back to the bowl because what can I say?
"That was really daring," Levi says. "The berries thing. I bet they were panicked."
They? Is he talking about the audience? Or the Capitol?
"It was goddamn brilliant!" He slams his hand on the table. "I mean, someones got to put them in their place."
"You shouldn't say things like that," I say, mainly because I'm scared someone will overhear and report back to a peacekeeper or something.
"Oh, don't tell me they've brainwashed you," he scoffs, looking disappointed in me. I don't know why this bothers me so much.
"No, it's not that," I say, keeping my voice low. "You just shouldn't say things like that here. You don't know who could be listening."
"I guess," he says, thinking for a moment. "We could talk at the Spot."
I know exactly what he's referring to. The Spot is a small trench a little ways walk from the fence. It provides a great hiding place and Papa showed it to me once when we were in the woods when I was eight. He let Levi tag along and he nicknamed it because it took Papa twenty minutes to find us as we stayed tucked away, giggling to each other. It's one of the few times I remember enjoying someone else's company outside of my family.
"Besides," Levi says. "I wanted to gather a few things anyway." Off my look, he adds, "I've been gathering stuff in those woods for years. Can't hunt for shit but I can at least pick some berries and herbs." He finishes up his stew and hands the bowl back to Ms. Piper. "See you there tomorrow, Wil."
He doesn't even give me the chance to agree before he's left the Hob. It's a little comforting, I suppose, to have someone who isn't treating me like this Victor who should be celebrated. Sure, he's asked me about it, but we've known eachother so long, it almost feels like he's teasing me, which makes the whole thing more manageable. Plus, his cynicism sort of reminds me a bit of Haymitch so that's something.
The next morning, I try again, sitting in the woods, trying to get as much of the feeling back as I had before going into the Games. I had more nightmares last night. After assuring my parents I was fine, I fell back into a fitful sleep. Luckily Dani was in her own room so I didn't wake her this time.
"You don't seem at home here," Levi says, approaching my spot on the ground. "I thought you used to live in here."
"You wouldn't really understand," I tell him.
"Right. The Games," he says.
"So what were you saying yesterday?"
"Just that there's been some talks down at the mines," Levi says. I forget he's started working there. He was a few years older so he's not in school anymore.
"Of what?" I'm almost afraid of the answer.
"A rebellion," he grins. "You know, the first one almost worked. My dad talks about it all the time. If we had another one now, I think we could do it."
"That's ridiculous," I say. The Capitol's much too powerful for that.
"Maybe," he shrugs. "Maybe not. There's a lot more of us."
Even though I think he's out of his mind, talking to Levi is refreshing in a way. I feel like I haven't been able to condemn the Capitol in any way for what they've done, and here he is doing it for me.
"You know, I wanted to run away," he suddenly says.
"When?" And where? District Twelve was such a small place you'd be found within the hour.
"When Lil died," he says. His little sister had succumbed to some kind of illness that Nana nor Aunt Prim could treat. They couldn't afford to go to a proper doctor, like most of us in Twelve. It wasn't unheard of for kids to die before they turned eighteen, but it was more common in the seam from hunger.
"You were just thirteen," I say. That's the last time we played together, I think.
Levi nods. "It's so unfair how much pain she had to be in and I couldn't do anything about it. The Capitol acts like they care about us but they don't. Or they wouldn't let us live like this."
I stay silent. His anger with the Capitol seems to go even deeper than just his sister's death. Or maybe that was the catalyst.
"I wanted to leave the district. Venture out far into the woods. I'd come across something eventually."
"What about your family?" I ask.
"I'd take them," he says.
Was that even something you could do? Certainly wouldn't be something I could do now. The Capitol would know I was gone in an instant. I wasn't just some nameless girl from Twelve anymore.
It feels like theres a lull in the conversation and I accompany him as he gathers from some of the nearby berry bushes. And because I know Sawyer hardly needs them anymore, I show him where the snares are, encouraging him to take the catches home to his family. He still has another younger sister and he could use it more than we could. There was only so much you could do with just gathered berries. Meat would be more of a commodity for his trading as well.