Over the next six months, Levi and I become what I can only describe as friends. We meet up in the woods and I help him gather and check the snares while he distracts me with talk about how he would take down the Capitol. Obviously now I have no use for any of that, but it's interesting to hear him talk about it. We're both so stubborn though that more often than not, it ends in a heated argument that never quite goes anywhere. It's a different kind of comfort than being with my family, or with Sawyer, and I think I would have enjoyed it more before the games, a camaraderie of someone who was as hell bent on surviving and protecting his family as I was.
"You're hanging out with Levi again?" Dani asks when I set out to leave in the morning. My prep team will be here later in the day to get me ready for the upcoming Victory tour along with Effie. This felt like my last bit of freedom before being sucked back into the role I played in the Games.
"If he's there," I tell her with a shrug. I think that's why it was so easy to hang around him. He doesn't expect anything from me. Mom and Dad, although they don't say it, want me to be the same as I was before the Games, although I suppose I can't blame them since I wanted the same thing. I've been avoiding Sawyer because all of my nightmares seem to involve us in the arena or in the Capitol. I thought if I distanced myself from him, they might start to go away, but no luck.
"What about Sawyer?" Dani asks.
"What about him?" I keep my focus on getting my hunting bag.
"Isn't he your boyfriend?" She asks.
"It's…complicated," I say, hoping she won't ask any more questions. "I'll be back soon, little duck."
"But-" I hate to cut her off, but I sprint out the door before she can question me more.
Levi probably won't even be there today. He's picked up more shifts at the mine as of late and I only get to see him on the weekends. It's gotten easier to hunt, the beady eyes of the squirrels and rabbit are different from the mutts and the other tributes. And I've convinced myself it was all for survival, that I didn't have any other choice. I don't keep much of the game, instead giving it to Levi or selling it at the Hob. He hates taking it , so more often than not, I end up leaving them in his snares, like I did with Sawyer before everything.
Speaking of him, I haven't seen him out here once since the games. Has he stopped even trying now that he doesn't have a need for it?
My woods finally feel like home again. The bird sing different tunes and the trees and foliage is less pretty than the arena where everything was manufactured by the gamemakers. If it were up to me, I'd never think about the games again, but that can never happen. Year after year, I'll have to mentor another girl from my district and lie that she stands a chance in that arena. I'm not stupid to think without our star-crossed lovers act that I could have gotten nearly as much support or stood a decent chance against Herc. I wonder who it will be next reaping? Will I know her? Maybe it will be someone in my class.
By the time I make it back to the fence, the peace the woods provides has worn off. As usual, I listen for the tell-tale sign of the electric hum of the fence, but I find none. There hardly ever is. They can't power the district long enough for the essentials, I highly doubt they'll waste it on this fence, especially when most of us are too afraid to go near it anyway.
I climb through, making the walk all the way over to the Hob. I haven't been coming as often as I have, but I do spend more money there now. I have more than what I know what to do with. But Ms. Piper doesn't seem to mind when I come just for a bowl of stew and pay a little extra.
"Are you ready for the tour?" She asks.
"I'm ready for it all to be over," I say.
"I know. But you have to go through it to get to the end of it," she says. "Did you get a chance to say goodbye to Levi?"
I frown. Sure, we've become sort of friends over the last few months but I didn't think it was enough for anyone to take notice. "I said bye to him yesterday. He's in the mines today." And it's probably better that way. I don't think he would understand the kind of act I've been putting on for the Capitol, and I don't want him to say anything that will get him in trouble.
"Well then you better get going," Ms. Piper says. "You don't want to keep them waiting."
I'm not prepared to leave, but I make sure to stop at one of the stalls to get Haymitch some liquor. Maybe if I'm lucky, he'll let me take a sip to calm my nerves. But then I quickly dismiss it. I don't know what kind of horrors lie ahead, but I certainly don't want to turn into a drunk like him.
"Wil!" I'm just about back to the Victor Village when I hear Levi calling me from behind.
"I thought you were at the mines," I frown. My prep team would be here soon. I didn't want them to see him.
"They let me out a little early, so I thought I'd come and see you before you left," he says.
"Why?" We has already said goodbye in the woods. I didn't think there needed to be another one.
"Well, because I care about you, Willow," he says, stepping closer. Too close for me to be comfortable.
"What are you doing?" I ask. What is going on?
"I just couldn't let you leave for two weeks without telling you. Especially since you're going with him," he says.
Him? Who? Sawyer? "What? Levi what are you-"
He's kissing me. His lips feel harsh and foreign and hot. And wrong. It takes a moment for me to figure out what's happening but as soon as I realize, I shove him off of me.
"What the hell, Levi?" I'm in shock, and he's looking like he just won the lottery. "Why would you do that."
"Come on, Wil. You can't tell me you didn't feel anything," he says.
I did. But I don't know if it was a good feeling or not. "I…it doesn't matter. You shouldn't have done that. We're friends."
"Is it because of him? That seam brat? You don't actually like him, do you?" I can tell he's starting to get upset, but I feel so betrayed I can't even be bothered to care.
"It's none of your business! I can't believe…did you have to go and ruin everything?" I throw my hands up, tears starting to well in my eyes.
Levi looks defeated now. "You really don't like me that way?"
"I…" I look up at the sky. It's almost late afternoon now. If I don't get going now, I won't be able to wake up Haymitch. "I have to go."
I try to push past him but he grabs my arm, pulling me back.
"Willow," he says, turning me to face him. I'm still mad, but I can't help but soften a bit for my friend when I see the hurt look in his eyes. He brushes a piece of my braid out of my face. He leans in again, this time, giving me the chance to move away, but I don't. It's like I'm frozen in place and he presses his lips to mine. It's still hard and fast, but it doesn't give me that same stirring in my chest.
He pulls back with a smile on his face. Is that why I let him kiss me a second time? So he wouldn't be upset anymore? He was my only friend besides maybe Sawyer, but I had no idea where I stood with him. But friends can kiss each other, right?
"Bye Wil," he says, turning to walk back towards town, leaving me completely and utterly confused.
I try to push it out of my mind the best I can. I need to put my focus into this Victory tour and getting through all of those speeches. The cameras will be following my every move again and I'm not sure what they'll expect for me this time.
I go right over to my mentor's house, peace offering in hand, and bang on his door. I still drop off some baked goods and treats every once in a while with Dani because she always asks to see him.
"Haymtich!" I bang on his door, but no answer. It's ajar though so I just walk right in. I'm immediately met with the stench of a room that hasn't been cleaned in a long time. It's musty and stale and reeks of alcohol. My mentor doesn't seem to mind the mess though, and he's passed right out on his couch. I kick away the bottles lying by the floor and yell for him again, shaking him hard. "Haymitch!" No answer.
I sigh, walking over to his sink, filling a cup with water. It's like I want to risk my life or something. I use the back of the couch as a barrier between us and throw the water on him. Immediately, he starts yelling, jumping off the couch, wielding a knife that he must have had tucked under his pillow or something. Once he sees that there's no danger, he looks around confused before his eyes rest on me.
"What are you doing?" He asks.
"You told me to wake you up an hour before the cameras arrive," I say.
He glances down at his soaked clothing. "But why am I all wet?"
I shrug. "I couldn't shake you awake," I say. "If you wanted to be babied, you should have asked Sawyer to do it." We both know he's the nicer of the two of us by far.
"Ask me to do what?" Sawyer appears in the kitchen with a loaf of bread in his hand. He must have come in through the back. He grabs a knife and starts to cut slices.
Even though we had agreed to be friends, we feel more like aquaintances. I've tried to avoid anything reminding me of the games including thinking about the act we had put on, and I think, despite the fact that he's been friendly and polite, he's still hurt by what I did.
"To wake Hayitch," I say, avoiding his gaze. I'm hit with the guilt of what happened outside. Does he know?
He looks up, and by the look in his eyes, I'm going to say yes. Unless something else happened to cause that much pain. He brings over a slice, offering it to Haymitch who takes it and the bottle I was still holding, munching down on the slice. Sawyer keeps him well fed on the days that Mom or Dad don't send me over with something. He's gotten very good at baking. I think it's what he does to pass the time. I hunt. He bakes. Haymitch drinks. It works for each of us, our own distraction from the horrors of the games.
"Well, I'm up," Haymitch grumbles.
"Would you like some?" Sawyer asks, unfathomably polite.
"No, thank you," I say. "Can I talk to you?" Then I turn to Haymitch. "Don't you dare fall asleep again!" He waves me off, but he seems content with his bread so he should be fine.
Sawyer and I go out his back door and I make sure to feed the geese before we take a seat on his back porch. I'm not sure if there are cameras inside of the house. I certainly hope not but I'd rather be safe. We sit side by side, our bodies almost touching but not quite. The snowfall has stopped, leaving a couple inches of white powder across the Victor's Village.
"They'll be here soon," he says. He still won't look at me. "Look, I know the audience is expecting something but maybe…if you want to be with him I-"
"What are you talking about?" I interrupt. Now I'm sure he must have seen something and it's all my fault.
"Your friend…um…Levi? Just a bit ago I saw you two," he says, blushing. "I'm sorry, Willow. I didn't mean to spy. But maybe we can announce something. I'm sure Haymitch will help."
"Sawyer stop!" I say. I don't want to talk about this now. I don't want to talk about this ever. But I also feel so close to losing him and despite the fact that I've been all but avoiding him these last few months, it's not an option. "I never expected him to do that. I didn't want him to-"
"He forced himself on you?" Sawyer asks. His nostrils flare in anger.
"Well, I don't know if I would call it that. It was unexpected and I did shove him off me. The first time. The second time, I let him," I admit. "But he's just my friend."
"Like me?" Sawyer looks up at me now with the same expression as when he found out a part of what I had done had been an act. How can I say we're friends when I've been avoiding him?
"No, it's different. We're different. You and me, it's like, I always need to know you're safe. That if I lose you then I've lost myself to that arena. Does that make sense?" I hope it did, because it surely wasn't making any sense to me.
"Not really," Sawyer says, but it sounds like he's trying to hold back a laugh.
"Ugh!" I bury my face in my hands. "You must think I've lost my mind!"
"A little bit," he chuckles. "But I've heard the games will do that to you."
"You're terrible," I say, but I'm laughing too. He grabs my hand and we stand. Both of our prep teams should be here soon.
He clears his throat. "So…Levi?"
"Just my friend," I say. I do care about him, but not in the way he wants me too.
"And you and I?"
I look down at our still joined hands. "We're partners," I decide. That feels like the right word. "You protect me, I protect you."
He squeezes my hand. "Partners."