Spike had been walking around cemeteries for the last hour, not knowing what to do. When he'd started, he was beyond angry, but after taking out a few fledges and one demon he couldn't even specify, he'd calmed down a little. Then he got bloody pissed off again when he realized he was still helping the Slayer out when he was supposed to be being the Big Bad again. After a few more fledges—he was pretty sure some of them were Angelus's—he calmed down again. At that point, it was more like taking a midnight stroll to try to get his soddin' head straight.

As he was walking he had a moment of clarity, the way he'd seen it happen to those berks when they were being stupid in those crappy romance movies Dru used to make him watch, and it made him come to a realization. Was he being dramatic? It was a fight, yeah a bloody big one, but it came out of nowhere. He was still not sure what the fuck had happened if he was being honest.

Right, then. He should probably start there. They'd been sparring, then snogging, like they were wont to do after a fight, then she'd freaked out. Why had she freaked out? It reminded him of how Dru would sometimes get, all hot and cold when she was having one of her fits. Especially when she was missing her Daddy.

Spike stopped walking and felt like one of those cartoons that had a bloody lightbulb over their head when they finally figured something out. Bloody Angelus, it had to be his fault, somehow. Spike just had to figure out how but he knew it had something to do with Angelus. He was positive he was not just hating on the poof, at least he thought so. No, it was definitely his fault. Was she missing him? No, that was just insecure William whispering his deep-seated fears. Was it because she was scared to get physically close to someone after what happened to her first love? Well yes, that was clearly true, and Spike understood. Angelus had a way of doing that to women, but Spike didn't think that was the reason for her freak-out.

Was she afraid that he was gonna go on a rampage after they shagged? Maybe, and she had already shown him she was fast to attack verbally and then run away when she got overwhelmed. He obviously had no intention to do that but at this point he didn't think his word would matter much. So what could he do?

While he was lost in thought he must not have been paying attention enough because a fledge jumped on his back and attacked. It took longer than he'd admit to anyone to get the fledge off him but he eventually got the upper hand. By that point, he was so bloody pissed he ripped his head off and felt an obscene amount of pleasure watching it turn to dust. It gave him flashbacks to when Angelus used to pull shit like that. He'd send Spike somewhere and ambush him with a dozen vampires older than him and make him fight it out. At that point, it hadn't taken much for a vampire to be older than him. Angelus called it part of his initiation. Spike liked a good brawl more than most, but there were quite a few times he thought his unlife was well and truly buggered, and that there was no way he'd make it out of there alive.

Thinking of those times still sent a shiver down his spine, but that made Spike have another lightbulb moment. Shit, Buffy has only been away from Angelus for weeks, he wouldn't be surprised if she was having flashbacks too. Spike froze. Fuck, is that what happened to her? It would make a lot of sense. He let out a growl of frustration that scared a stray cat away.

What could he really do about it though? She'd told him to stay away, maybe he should just give her some time to cool off? Yeah, that was probably the best idea. He'd go to the Watcher's tonight and when he saw Buffy tomorrow, he'd talk to her.

He let out a scoff because he'd already buggered it up by feeding like he had, with the intention to kill the chit, even if he hadn't been able to go through with it. There was no point to this because even when she calmed down, as soon as he told her what had happened, she'd stake him good and proper. Maybe it would be best if he just buggered off and started the however many decades it would take to get over her.

No, he was no coward. He'd face her head-on and go from there, though he knew how that would end. She'd feel like she had to dust him because he hadn't followed her rules for staying in town. He wouldn't just let her stake him, though, and he couldn't hurt her either, so he'd just have to get away once the truth was out and go from there.

'Why should I tell her at all? The bint is alive and no one was there to see. She'll never find out, there's no point in ruining it over one bloody mistake,' Spike thought.

Sod this, he decided, he was going to go to a liquor store, get as much alcohol as he needed to get well and truly sloshed, go back to the Watcher's to catch some kip, and worry about this all tomorrow.

When Buffy got home after her fight with Spike, the first thing she did was take a shower. After everything that happened tonight, she just felt dirty. She took her time and pampered herself while resolutely not thinking about the fight that she'd had with Spike. When she was finally done with her facials, exfoliating, hot oil hair treatment, and everything else she could think of, it was almost two hours later.

She was ready for this night to be over and had all intentions of going straight to sleep but her stomach let out an untimely growl so she reluctantly went downstairs to eat. Her mom must have woken up in the middle of the night thirsty because she was in the kitchen getting herself a glass of water. Buffy gave her a small smile of greeting but was in no mood to talk. Unfortunately, her mother had other plans because when Buffy opened the fridge, looking for the leftovers from tonight's lasagna, Joyce spoke up.

"Where's Spike? I've gotten used to seeing him watching TV when I come down in the middle of the night."

"He's staying with Giles for the night. Giles has some things he wanted to talk to Spike about." The lie came smoothly from her mouth. She was a little sad when she thought about how easy it had become to lie to her mom, but she'd become a master at it ever since the days of hiding her Slayerhood from her.

"Oh, okay. Just as long as he knows he's welcome here."

That made Buffy flinch because she made it clear that Spike was one hundred percent not welcome at her house tonight or any time in the future. Thankfully, her mom didn't notice and said a quick goodnight before going to bed. Buffy followed suit and went right to bed as soon as she'd eaten two portions of leftovers.

When she woke up the next day, she felt much better. She was past the panic of the previous night, and Angelus felt like more of a distant memory and less of a current nightmare. Since she was more clear-headed about that situation, she had time to cringe and be angry at herself about how things had played out the night before with Spike. She knew her feelings were totally valid so she was not angry at herself for them.

No, what she was angry about was how she'd taken them out on Spike, how she hadn't talked to him, and how she might have ruined things because of her apparently crappy coping skills. Now, it was probably too late, she'd ruined it and he was probably halfway through Mexico already. Or if he was still here, he'd probably be over it and her and just wanted nothing more to do with her. She took a deep breath and shook her head. She was spiraling.

No, Spike was more loyal than that. He was probably upset and confused and wanted to talk to her to figure out what the heck was going on. Hell, he had probably been wanting to talk to her since she'd left. Yeah, that sounded more like Spike, he didn't leave when things got hard. The problem was, she and words were unmixy and she didn't know how to explain it to him. Maybe she didn't have to? Maybe she could just go to Giles's like nothing was wrong and everything would be fine? She sighed, yeah right, in the world of Buffy, nothing was ever that easy.

She got up to get ready for school and when she arrived there, she made a split-second decision. She was going to tell Willow because she needed some best-friend girl talk. Well, she was going to tell Willow some stuff. She was just not sure exactly what to say. She shrugged. She'd figure it out as she went, that's how she did her best work in the field. When she found Willow, she was unfortunately with Xander, and Buffy was definitely not going to talk about this in front of him. That idea was majorly with the badness—he'd tell Giles then they'd run Spike out of town with pitchforks, that is, if they didn't try to just stake him first. She must have been too lost in thought because they walked up to her without her noticing.

"Hey Buff, how's your morning going? You look like you're much with the thinky thoughts, and it's too early in the morning for that," Xander said, bringing Buffy back to reality.

"Huh? Oh, it's fine, other than the fact that we're here in school and there's a psychotic evil vampire hell-bent on ending the world back in town. Oh, and Snyder has been extra Snydery lately, he's like extra out to get me. Plus there's an exam first period that I didn't get a chance to study for because of said psychotic evil vampire." All of which were true, and all needed her attention but she couldn't help but focus on the fight she'd had with her secret vampire boyfriend.

'Maybe I need to get my priorities straight and worry about Spike later.'

"Wow Buffy, I'm sorry, that's a lot," Willow perked up, and Buffy could see her go into 'helpful Willow' mode. "We already talked to Giles today and from what he said, with Sam here, and the plan you made, this Angelus problem could be over in days! And we'll help you avoid Snyder all day so you don't have to deal with him. Maybe by the time you see him whatever has got him in such a poopy head mood will have blown over. Oh! What's your first class? We still have time, I can help you study." Xander nodded his head emphatically, completely on the 'let's help Buffy' train.

Buffy gave her friends a true beaming smile. She loved them a lot and she didn't know how she'd have made it through the past years without them. "Thanks guys, you're the best," she said while walking to the quad so they could study.

They had about a half hour before they had to go to first period, so Willow thought they could get a lot done. Xander sat by and watched his two favorite ladies work while enjoying the sun and this little slice of teenage normalcy they didn't get often enough in their crazy Hellmouthy lives. Unfortunately, about ten minutes in, they saw Snyder making his way through the quad and since Buffy and Willow were working, it fell to Xander to keep him away.

Buffy was surprised when she realized she didn't need much help studying for this test. It turned out her brain held the information better than she thought it did because once Xander left to distract Snyder, Buffy felt confident she'd pass the test. And no matter how she tried to focus on other things, her problems with Spike weren't far from her mind. So she looked at Willow and decided it was now or never.

"Hey Wills, I need to talk to you about something, I need my girl best friend's advice. It might cause a little freakage for you, but I need you to get past it and listen. Most of all, I need you to keep it between us."

Willow sat up straighter and looked at Buffy with a worried yet compassionate face. She could see the worry and upset on Buffy's face and she wanted to be there for her friend. So she used her hand to make it look like she was closing her mouth with a lock and key. "Okay, I'm listening. I promise I won't tell anyone, you can count on me."

Buffy remembered about a half hour ago when she'd decided she was going to wing it because that was when she did her best work. She mentally rolled her eyes at her half-hour-ago self because she had nothing right now. She took a deep breath and started, "I've been dating someone…"

She was cut off by Willow's squeal, "Really! Who?"

"We'll get back to that," she evaded. "The problem is, last night there was kissage but I kinda freaked out on him and told him I wanted to break up."

Willow looked at her strangely because Buffy didn't want to tell her who it was but eventually moved past it, for now anyway. "Why did you freak out? Did you want to break up with him?"

"No, I think… No, I know I was having a panic attack. I used to get them back when I was first called and after my mom and dad threw me…. Never mind. It doesn't matter anyway, but I was having a panic attack and I took it out on him."

"Why were you having a panic attack?" She asked worriedly.

Buffy took a slow deep breath again because she could feel panic rising just talking about it. "I had a flashback to my time with Angelus. I thought I was getting past it but I guess I backslid or something. I mean I didn't tell you much about my time there because I didn't want you guys to worry about me and because there's nothing you can really do to help. Plus, I don't really like talking about it."

"Oh, Buffy…" Willow trailed off and wrapped Buffy in a bear hug. Buffy sinked into it gratefully for a little while then pulled away.

"Thanks, Wills, I'll get past it, it'll just take some time. I'm just worried I've ruined things with Sp… my boyfriend."

Willow gave Buffy a sharp look but didn't comment on the slip. Things were starting to come together for her though. Willow knew about Buffy's plans the night before and who else was supposed to be there. She could see why Buffy would worry about her making with the freakage, and to be honest, she was kinda freaked. But she decided she'll hold judgment, at least until she got the full story.

"Is this guy the type to run when things get hard?" Okay, so this was kind of a pointed question because if the guy was who Willow thought he was, it took a lot to get him to give up.

"No, but we're so new, and this isn't the first time I've freaked out on him because I've been overwhelmed," Buffy said, shoulders slumping. Willow wanted to hug Buffy again because she looked so sad but she refrained. Buffy was a great friend but she was not usually with the touchy feelies.

"Buffy, you're being too hard on yourself. You've been through more than any 18-year-old should go through and he'll understand that. And if he doesn't, well then he's nothing but a big fat poopy head."

"You really think he'll understand?"

"Are you kidding me? He was with a crazy woman who had a tendency to cheat on him for over a hundred years. I don't think a fight will scare him off," Willow said, then her eyes opened wide when she realized she made it clear she knew who they were talking about. She looked at Buffy out of the side of her eye and saw that her face went pale with worry. She decided to take the leap and wrapped Buffy in her arms again; she obviously needed the comfort and was really worrying about how her friends would react to the news. Willow knew it would probably be a different situation when it came to the guys but she had no problem being Supportive Willow if that's what Buffy needed right now. "It's okay Buffy, you'll get no judgyness coming from me, no sir-ee. I like Spike just fine and like I said earlier, he doesn't seem the type to give up so if he's decided he's willing to be a good guy because of you, then I think that's where he'll stay."

"You really think so?" Buffy asked in a small hopeful voice. Willow didn't think she'd seen Buffy be this unsure of herself before, at least not since the original Angel/Angelus debacle.

"Definitely, and if he doesn't I'll use my witchy mojo to turn him into a cat. No, a rat. No, a smelly skunk so he has to live the rest of his life with his super vampire senses smelling his stinky self!" Her plan worked when Buffy giggled, so Willow continued, "Now come on, we have to go or we're going to be late to first period and that test you're going to ace."

Buffy got up, smiled at Willow gratefully, and made her way to class. She felt a lot better about the whole Spike problem, especially because one of her best friends knew now, and she was being majorly with the supportive. Now she thought she was ready to talk to Spike and make things better. She just had to get through the rest of the school day.