Title: What's a condom?
Summary: I never understood why these nobles opted to pay so much for sex slaves and flaunt their promiscuity instead of buying a condom or some sex toys. What do you mean by 'What's a condom?'?
Character: Leon
AN:
1) I don't know what to say. I turned my brain off. I apologize in advance.
2) One-shot for now, but I could imagine a few more scenarios for this.
Walking through the gates of the Academy, I took in the sights. It was a beautiful campus but filled with disgusting interactions. Fortunately for me, noble girls were not a problem for me. I was a knighted Baronet. The best class a non-noble could be. I had no restrictions aside from pumping out the next generation.
"You there, carry my bags to my room," a girl said behind me. I promptly ignored her since I did not care about my standing with noble women. I whistled a jaunty tune to piss her off more.
Well, this was an annoying situation. I was to attend the spelunking class with the advanced course since they wanted an experienced body to cull the monsters in the vanguard. The compensation was gracious, but I did not enjoy helping the pretty boys. They were supposed to be the cream of the crop. Why did I have to wake up early to inflate their egos?
I ventured into the dungeon alone since none of the students in the advanced course knew who I was nor cared to partner with someone they deemed lesser. It brought back memories from before the Academy. Despite my misgivings, I did find adventuring fun. Perhaps I'll work as an adventurer before settling down as a farmer. The job did pay well, and with Luxion, I was under no real threat.
After mindlessly coasting and whistling through the dungeon, I saw a floor boss. It died in a matter of seconds. Trash mobs in the open world were much more dangerous.
It was after I dispatched the beast did I feel something off. Turning around, I saw the entire advanced class staring at me.
"What?"
"So you're the first-year people are talking about. Didn't expect you to be in the regular courses."
Looking up, I saw a group of athletic boys staring at me.
"People are talking about me?"
"Something about a firstie putting down a floor boss by himself."
"That? It was only on the third floor. You know, the beginner floors. Monsters die notoriously fast on that floor."
"... I like you, kid. Name's Dan."
I guess the protagonist was going by the name Marie if Clarice's inconsolable wailing was anything to go by. At the very least, Marie was pursuing Jilk. I was not going to interfere in fate. I much rather not deal with the monster apocalypse.
That being said, I did feel guilty about letting Clarice suffer so. She was a sweet girl and didn't deserve what was happening to her. The least I could do was indulge her sweet tooth. Stress eating was a much better vice than having a bunch of horny assholes run a train on her. Though, I suggested she also vent her frustrations in the gym.
We now owned a very beat-up punching bag with Jilk's face.
"My name is Olivia. It's a pleasure to meet you," a cute and well-endowed girl said across from me.
"The pleasure is all mine," I said with a stiff smile.
Why was the protagonist sitting in front of me?
Right, Clarice has taken up a hobby of match-making. Poor girl has been trying to live vicariously through her followers. I should bake her a cake because she needed all the support in the world and for thinking of me.
But I digress. Why was the protagonist sitting in front of me? She was supposed to be porking Jilk plus however many other boys in the royal entourage she seduced. We needed her to get some royal dick to avert the apocalypse.
Clarice just watched us expectantly.
I decided to go on a few dates with Livia. She was rather cute, and her personality drew me in. I did my best to ignore the nagging feeling that I was only doing it to stop monsters from destroying the kingdom. Luxion was of no help.
Clarice cooed over Livia constantly. It was getting slightly concerning how invested Clarice was in our relationship. I think she was already making plans for the wedding.
Mom and Dad came over when they heard Jenna bitch about how I wasn't helping her get laid despite being on good terms with Clarice. What did she expect me to do? Demand Clarice to find some blueblood to enslave?
In any case, Mom and Dad adored Livia. I could do without the comments about me being a brat or a hopeless son. I got enough of that sass from Luxion.
Livia defending me from my parents made me melt into her embrace.
I'm giving Clarice the best gift for giving Livia those erotic novels.
Why was it that every time I saw Clarice, she ran her tongue over her lips? Did she think of sweets whenever she saw me now? Did I Pavlov dog her?
Whelp, Livia was expelled. I should have known better. While protection wasn't a thing in this world, that didn't mean fertility was lower. I had thought otherwise with how much Livia initiated. Despite being expelled, Livia glowed as she rubbed her belly.
Clarice was not as satisfied with the results. She was rather angry with the administration for expecting us to hook up and still somehow avoid getting pregnant. I think she forgot about the impropriety, but I agreed with her on principle.
Wait a moment. I sensed an opportunity here to print Dia.
Whelp, my condom business was too successful. While I did make so much Dia that I became a Viscount off of sales alone, I fundamentally changed the landscape of the school and possibly society. The number of beastmen and elves dropped drastically. It turns out women found rank far sexier than looks when the risk of pregnancy was not an issue. It was also much cheaper to buy rubber. I was now persona non grata with the non-humans for crashing their economy.
I had to kill Mauler when he and the displaced servants decided to kill the source of their problems. It was clear how poor relations were with the non-humans when most of the Barons and Viscounts joined the fight.
I could do without being called Lord Rubber by my allies.
Now if only I could find a way to get around the fact that I could only marry a noble. Becoming a Viscount ruined several plans for me and Livia.
Why was Clarice approaching me?
"Leon, I'm glad I found you. Livia and I have a solution to your new obligations."
And I thought Livia was insatiable.
Clarice was expelled as well. The rubber broke, and I was to be wed to Clarice and Livia during the break. Surprisingly, Dan and the others didn't want to gut me with a rusty knife.
Returning to school after the weddings, I was accosted by the villainess. She said I caused the depravity running rampant across the school and that I needed to fix it. She blamed the impending political crisis on me.
She was unamused when I said the women here were always morally bankrupt by walking around with living dildos before the condom was invented.
She then asked me what a dildo was.
Which gave me a solution to her problem.
The bitch tried to stab me with a dildo even after casual hookups decreased by seventy percent. She then proceeded to enroll me in every event for the festival as punishment. She stated I needed to be kept busy so my degeneracy could not spread.
She clearly did not understand how sports sponsorships worked.
The royal entourage started giving me shit for making them look bad in front of Marie. They did not take kindly to losing in the events they participated in. They took to my desire to make Dia even less favorably.
They especially did not take kindly to Marie trying to capture me during the festival.
After they challenged me to a duel, someone admonished the crown prince for being a bad sport. Looking down the semi-deserted corridor, I saw a woman standing nearby. I then remembered that I was mentally an adult. She was the most attractive woman I had the pleasure of witnessing.
I realized I had spoken my thoughts out loud when she blushed. If that wasn't evidence enough, Julius punched me in the face. I didn't hold it against him since I flirted with his mom.
The Queen called me in. She implored me not to go through with the duel with her son.
Before I could get a word in, Julius burst into the room and claimed I would not defile his mother as I had done to others. Watching the Queen spank Julius for insinuating she would have sex with someone my age was cathartic. And the duel was promptly forgotten.
Why was there a child staring at me?
My niece was quite attached to me to her brother's ire. It baffled my wives as to why the princess was attached to me, but they settled on the idea that it was due to me being a novelty to royalty. Considering how the Queen responded to my blunt comments, it was an easy sell.
"Oh, that's right. Luxion mentioned that you seem to be afflicted with aether poisoning. I got him to design something to keep your health in check," I said as I pulled out the accessory/medical device.
She eagerly put the choker on her neck.
"Bartfort!"
"What do you have there?" Dan asked me.
"Something I picked up in the dungeon. I think this piece would look good on Livia."
I tossed the bracelet up and down in my hand as I watched the imposter frantically run into the dungeon. I had suspected she was searching for the Saintess's bracelet when I had seen her enter the dungeon daily. I could confront her regarding her being a reincarnate, but I figured that I made it more than obvious I was one. She could always come to me about it. Watching her scramble was far too entertaining.
"Neat, and I think you're right. Just remember to get something for Clarice too. Girls don't like it when you favor another over them."
"Will do."
"Angelica, why are statues of me on sale in the southern islands."
"The woman growled at me as she hatefully glared at me. The immediate area's temperature also spiked as her anger caused her magic to flare out.
"No, seriously. I don't recall letting people use my image for anything."
"They're statues for marriage blessings, My Lord. Your name has been circulating among the masses as of late. They believe you must have the blessing of a deity to have come up with your inventions and rid us of our sub-human services," the shrine maiden helpfully replied.
"But my goods led to the development of hookup culture."
"And shotgun weddings have risen thanks to the occasional condom breaking. Marriages are still up, thanks to you," the shrine maiden said with a shrug.
"Fair enough. How much for one?"
"Angelica, why am I on the public morals committee?"
"Fix it."
"I tried that already, and you got angry with me."
"Fix it!"
"Couldn't you just expel me?"
I already fulfilled my noble obligations by getting married. My business was booming and had become a staple of society. I didn't have a reason to be here anymore aside from the entertainment value of fucking up this game more. I was missing out on raunchy sex with my nymphomaniac wives.
"Fix it!"
"You need to get laid. I got just the thing in my bag to scratch that itch."
I had to pay for the new desk after she reduced the first desk into ashes. Bitch. She didn't even have the decency to return the Bad Dragon prototype.
"What did you do?!"
"What did I do this time?"
"Why is the Queen telling me to leave you alone?!"
"Because I didn't do anything?"
"She's calling you by your first name!"
"She called me by name? Is she interested?"
"Stop getting excited! You're married to two women already, and you're about to be a father any day now!"
"Yeah, but it's the Queen."
I received a stern letter from my wife and concubine after that. I received lengthy detentions for running back home to assure them I wasn't serious and was needling Angelica. They admitted they knew but were horny.
Before I could leave their ministrations, Livia gave birth to a beautiful baby girl we named An.
During the time I took to check on Livia's convalescence, Clarice gave birth to my boy. We named him Lea. Clarice insisted.
"What's all this?" I asked after seeing several crates of goods in my docking bay.
"For the babies. I believe congratulations are in order," Angelica said.
"Thank you, but why?"
"Someone needs to make sure the babies grow up right."
"... Are you trying to convince me to make you their godmother?"
"No, why would you think that? It's because we work together, and I thought this would be nice to do."
"Oh! Thank the Saintess. We already made Erica their godmother."
I went temporarily deaf that day.
"Where is it?!" Marie asked me with bloodshot eyes after barging into the student council room.
"Where's what?"
"The artifact?! Where is it? I know you took it!"
"Oh, that old thing? I found it months ago. Livia never takes it off."
"You... you cretin," Marie said before running out.
I wondered if she was going to go searching for the necklace. Should I tell her it was hanging around Livia's neck as well? I snorted at the thought. It would be more entertaining when she found out herself.
"Leon," Angelica said.
"Yes?"
"Good boy."
Why did that make me feel warm and fuzzy inside? When did she Pavlov me?!
"Son... What happened to Zola?"
"Taken care of."
"By whom?"
"Angelica."
"Why did the daughter of Duke Redgrave feel the need to get rid of my wife?"
"She overheard Zola threatening the babies."
"While that was nice of Angelica, why?"
"She didn't take kindly to her godchildren being threatened."
"I thought the princess was the godmother."
"Angelica claims to be their 'real' godmother."
"Are you going to correct her?"
"Do you want to contradict a woman whose family earned the name Redgrave?"
"Fair point. Make sure to buy her something nice."
"I think I have something more up her alley than a gift," I said as I finished plotting the course for our dungeon expedition.
"Why am I Count now?!" I said as I poured over piles of paperwork.
"The two of us did conquer a dungeon, Leon. There was more than enough gold," Angie said with a smirk as she watched me suffer.
"How come I'm stuck with so much paperwork?!"
"Oh, don't be a baby. This is rather light."
"Light? This thing's taller than me."
The top of the pile was approximately a foot taller than me. Angie let out a loud laugh. Thankfully, she took pity on me and helped me with the paperwork. We worked in a comfortable silence. It was nice.
"You broke your engagement with the prince?" I blurted out in shock.
"Is that so surprising?"
"I mean. It's the crown prince, and you spent your childhood preparing to become Queen."
"Please don't remind me. I deeply regret giving up my childhood."
"But what happened?"
"We've always had issues, but the last year and a half have highlighted them. We have nothing in common. He doesn't actively court me. He has no ambition and hasn't done anything interesting for as long as I've known him. Once the rosy tint faded, I realized he wasn't the man I wanted to tie myself to."
"But won't this reflect poorly on your family?"
"Considering Julius and his friends are rumored to be in a gay relationship with the Lafan girl as a front, no."
"There's a rumor that the entourage is gay?"
"There is now," Angie said with a smile that did things to me.
"Is that a letter from Clarice?"
"And Livia."
"What'd they say?"
"Please, there are some things a lady would like to keep secret."
"Ah, girl-talk." I wasn't going to get in the way of that.
"Before I forget, I was thinking of going on another adventure during the break. Would you be willing to join me?"
"I was planning on heading home to see Clarice and Livia."
"Oh, don't worry about that. Clarice and Livia are planning to visit their parents. The babies are old enough to go on airships without being fussy."
"Shouldn't I meet my in-laws for that?"
"Are you on good terms with your in-laws?"
"... So, about this adventure."
I'm never drinking again. Like in the last world, I was a lightweight. The pounding hangover was not worth it.
I rolled over and wrapped my arm around the warm body next to me. Her butt nestled me quite provocatively in response. Judging from the long silky hair tickling me, it must have been Clarice. I couldn't help but nibble on her ear. She always loved it when I did that.
"Leon, we can't. We're already out of condoms."
It was not Clarice.
I glared at my AI.
"Angie was expelled."
"I am aware, Master."
"Why?"
"You did impregnate her like the others. Is your pattern recognition so poor that you didn't realize what would happen?"
"I know why she was expelled! I'm asking why you've been poking holes in my condoms?!"
"What makes you think I've been doing that?"
"... Luxion."
"I suppose there is no point to this charade. Master, this is all for the sake of reviving Old Humanity. The birth of your children conclusively showed that New Humanity's genes are a recessive trait. We shall return humanity to its former glory by growing our group and subsuming the population. By having you breed with the upper echelons of society, we can ensure that Old Humanity will be the dominant species."
"Fucking AI. Is there any other asinine plan you currently have in motion?"
"No," Luxion said with an ominous red glow behind his eye.
"Lies."
"Yes."
"Is this going to be a problem for my current wives?"
"I refuse to jeopardize the seeds for Old Humanity's return."
"Make sure they have great tits."
"Your preferences have been noted, scum."
"Dorothea wishes to talk to you," said a girl with drill-bit hair.
Her character design screamed Ojousama. She had the attitude considering she made demands of me after barging into my office. She also appeared to have the annoying tick of referring to herself in the third person.
"I already have three wives who I love very much and, for whatever reason, love what we have going on. I'm not fucking that up. Now get the hell out of my office."
"What? No! My sister is a fan of your products. She's been finding her bedroom play with your brother lacking lately and wanted to know if you had any other ideas to spice up her relationship."
"When did Nicks get married?!"
"When you got your third wife pregnant."
"Why haven't you tried to seduce me yet?"
Looking at the girl in my office, I did not recognize her. Was she supposed to be someone important?
"I don't even know who you are."
"You don't... I'm Stephanie Fou Offrey!"
Ah, she was the girl who was supposed to set up Livia to be raped and sold into slavery by pirates.
"Now, why would you think I would try to seduce you? In case you haven't heard, I'm happily married to three women."
"You're collecting us, are you not?"
"Collecting?"
"The ex-fiancees of the royal entourage. You've already collected Angelica and Clarice. So when are you going to collect me?"
"I'm not collecting anyone. Now move along. Angie left me a substantial amount of paperwork when she appointed me the second-year representative."
She left with a huff.
"Luxion, is she as shitty as I remembered from my past life?"
"My index would indicate so."
"Luxion, take a vacation in the Offrey territory."
"Sir?!" Luxion asked happily.
"A nice, long, slow vacation."
I was not one for bloodshed. Remembering what Stephanie planned for Livia in the game made... There were exceptions to be made.
I was called to the palace by the Queen. I could only assume it had something to do with Luxion wiping out the Offreys. The Partner was a little hard to ignore.
As I entered the Queen's office, I saw her fidgeting nervously. I couldn't resist.
"My Queen, how may I be of service," I said teasingly.
"I need another heir."
"... Context?"
"Julius was outed as gay, Jake was kidnapped by Fanoss, and Erica is already promised to a border lord. As it stands, we do not have someone to take up the throne."
"And your willing to perform line theft rather than go to your husband because?"
"Roland can only get hard for women of Academy age."
"Is he stupid? How can he not bed you every night?"
"Leon," the Queen stammered as I admitted what I would have done as her husband.
"Look. I'm flattered, but I love my wives. I don't..."
"I already spoke to Angie about the matter. She convinced the others of the necessity, and they expect you to fulfill your duty."
I stared at the hidden floating orb behind the Queen. It emoted a thumbs up. My wives have agreed to this.
"Mother, don't believe..." the prince said as he entered the room before promptly stopping.
The three of us stared at each of for a good minute, not knowing what to say.
Erica walked in, stared, and broke the silence.
"Should I call you Daddy or Uncle now?"