Chapter 9 To Search For Something That Is Missing

It's been a week since Emma and Regina had returned from their road trip from Portland with more questions than answers. It's been a week of them listing towns and cities surrounding the diner and then listing the highschools from those towns and cities. Emma had become obsessed as she turned the basement into her office. The room was a mess with posters on the walls and papers strewn about the table she had set up. She spent a lot of time down there, going through all the old files she had collected over the years. She was treating it like a cold case, by combing through each piece of evidence once more. In her obsession she had yet to talk to Henry, and the pouting teenager avoided her. Regina felt like she was caught in the middle. The happy family they had been at the Halloween festival seemed so far away. She really hoped they didn't go into Thanksgiving being this distant from each other.

"Regina?" Mal's voice tore her from her worries. She had been sitting on her couch of her new home office, staring out of the large windows and into the view of the sea. When they had come back to Storybrooke, Mal had moved into her new loft by the beach. It was large and elevated with big glass windows that overlooked the ocean. It was small with two floors. The bottom served as a living room slash office while the top floor was her bedroom. There was also a spacious kitchen nook with a marbled island top and bar stools. It was beautifully furnished in a modernized style. Mal didn't bring much with her, besides from a suitcase of clothes and a box of items.

Regina once again wondered about her last case and what had pushed her therapist into taking a break from the cabin. This was Mal's first session since coming to Storybrooke, and even now Regina had the sense something wasn't quite right. Mal seemed to have lost a bit of the confidence in which she held herself in. It was almost as if she had lost a bit of trust in her abilities as a psychologist. Something happened at the cabin and Regina hoped Mal would eventually confide in her. It seemed as if it was heavily weighing her down.

She tore her gaze from the window, her hands tightly holding a now cold mug of tea. She had zoned out for a moment as Mal was in the middle of preparing a snack for the two of them that consisted of cheese, crackers and some berries. She placed the tray on the coffee table in front of her and took a seat on a recliner that was off to the side of the couch.

"I'm sorry, there's just a lot going on right now. I don't even know where to begin." She placed the mug down and took a blackberry from the tray.

"Start with Portland," Mal suggested. "It seems like you and Emma didn't exactly find what you were looking for?"

"How did you know?"

"Emma has been a bit preoccupied whenever I run into her in town."

"She's become obsessed," Regina sighed. "We didn't exactly get the answers we were looking for, but we did find some leads. Although at this point, it's like looking for a needle in a haystack. I want her to find her parents. I want her to find all of the answers she's searching for, but…" She paused. She felt horrible for even talking about this, because she wanted to be there for Emma and support her. "I just don't want her to forget about the family she has."

Mal looked at her thoughtfully at that timid confession.

"What did you feel just now?"

Regina shrugged, not exactly wanting to admit her guilt. Sharing her emotions was always the hardest part during her sessions.

"I feel a bit guilty," she averted her gaze to the view ahead.

"Why do you think you feel that way?" Mal asked her, gently getting her to open up some more.

"I don't want her to feel like this isn't important, because it is. Figuring out her past and why her mother abandoned her is something she has to do. I guess my fears of her distancing herself makes me feel as if I'm coming between her and her journey. I told her I'll take this journey with her, but she hasn't even talked to Henry. My family is silently falling apart."

"You can still be a part of her journey and still bring up these fears with her," Mal assured her. "She is chasing something that has been missing her whole life. She might need a reminder that she isn't alone."

"A reminder," she smiled. "I think I can do that."

"Be firm and confident, but don't dismiss her. You don't want to make her feel like she's done something wrong. I suggest that you start with getting her to talk to Henry."

Regina nodded, truly considering her advice. She just wanted her family to be happy again. She wanted Emma and Henry to be close again. Henry has been sullen lately and she just wanted to see him smile again. To go back to being the carefree teenager that he was. This sullen angry version of him broke her heart, and she knew the only way for him to heal was for him and Emma to come together again. It was out of her hands but perhaps she can give them a little push.

"This journey made me realize something," she continued.

"And what's that?"

"I want to contact Cora."

Mal looked at her with widened eyes and slightly opened mouth. She was just as shocked as Emma had been. She could understand why. Cora wasn't exactly mother of the year.

"What made you decide this?" Mal asked.

"Well, Emma's journey to be honest," she explained the same reasoning she had explained to Emma in Portland. "I need to know that I did everything I could. That I'm not the reason she couldn't love me. I need to give her one last chance, for myself."

"When the time comes that you face her, can I ask that I be there with you?" Mal asked, a certain fire in her eyes that Regina recognized all too well. A fierce protective flame. Regina's heart warmed. Mal had a way of making her feel safe and protected, something that had been nonexistent growing up and then living with Leopold. It was a feeling that she only felt with the people she loved. She nodded, not being able to imagine facing her mother without her or even Emma.

As their session came to an end, Mal had Regina write in her journal. At the end of their sessions, just like at the cabin, Mal had her process her emotions by writing them down. As much progress as Regina had made since her stay, she still practiced the techniques Mal had given her, and one of those was being able to process and feel her emotions through writing or drawing.

Mal silently worked on her mac until the ring of her cellphone had interrupted the cathartic silence. The ringer had cut through the soft crackling sounds of the hearth and the classical music playing from the radio. Mal immediately got up to grab her phone, giving Regina an apology and encouraging her to keep working. She rushed to the island where she had left her phone and upon seeing the caller ID, she stepped outside.

Regina wondered who it was, but then figured maybe it was one of the other few clients that she had decided to continue remote sessions with. Although, she seemed a bit hurried as she exited the loft. She was outside for at least 20 minutes and by that time Regina had already finished writing. It would be time to end the session soon. She stood, approaching the large windows and staring out into the sea again. It was such a beautiful view.

One can lose themselves in their thoughts by just staring out into the ocean. It didn't go unnoticed that she was very close to the pier where Ursula's rescue center was. She wondered if she would be seeing her tonight. Mal had arranged a small housewarming party and had invited a few residents from town, herself and Emma, Archie, Ruby and Granny, some other people she had become friends with and she had a strong feeling Ursula was invited as well.

Mal came back minutes later looking slightly harassed. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes seemed to have a look of weariness.

"Mal, are you ok?" she asked, approaching her. Mal blinked, quickly masking her distress and putting on a look of indifference.

"I'm fine. I apologize for the interruption."

"No," Regina frowned, taking both of her hands. "What is going on? What aren't you telling me?"

"I can't…" she shook her head, the look of indifference crumbling and she couldn't seem to hold back the distress she had come in with.

"Mal?"

"Regina, I can't disclose what happened in my last case, but I don't doubt that you'll soon find out. It's only a matter of time. For now, let me deal with this."

She nodded, accepting that answer for now, although the look in Mal's eyes scared her to the core. Whatever had happened left its mark of fear in her friend. She could only hope that when the time comes and she learns of what happened, Mal will let her be there for her.

Emma sat at the desk in the basement, looking through faxed sheets of different high school yearbooks she had acquired from towns surrounding Portland. She had the receipt with the name signed Rose Red from the diner pinned up on a bulletin board on the wall above her makeshift desk. She wasn't sure if it was a name or a nickname but she was checking every girl's name that resembled it. She wasn't even sure what she was looking for but somehow she had the feeling that once she found her she'd know. She'd know by the look in her eyes. Erin said she looked like her. She was so immersed in her research she didn't even hear Regina coming in until her heels could be heard coming down the basement steps.

"Emma?"

She stopped, pulling her eyes away from the documents laid out on the desk and turned to greet her girlfriend. She met her across the room and kissed her cheek.

"How was therapy?" she asked, holding her hand between them while affectionately reaching up with the other to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. Regina leaned into the comfort, and gently pressed a sweet kiss on her lips. She didn't seem to be closed off which usually meant it hadn't been too emotionally draining.

"I talked to Mal about Cora, she wants to be there when I face her."

"That'll be interesting, Mal interacting with Cora," Emma stated, hoping that when the time came, somehow Mal could knock a bit of sense into the cruel old woman. Regina nodded, and by the far off look she suddenly got in her eyes, Emma knew there was something else.

"Gina?"

"I… I have some concerns I want to share," she said, swallowing nervously. As much progress she had made, there were still times where Regina would be afraid of admitting when something was bothering her as if she'd be punished for speaking up.

"Let's go upstairs," Emma suggested, holding her hand still as she led her to the staircase. Regina was quiet, suddenly shutting down within herself. It had to be from nerves. She knew Regina felt safe with her. She knew her fear had to do with Leopold and even Cora. She felt Regina tightened her grip as they made it up the steps and into the kitchen.

"Hey," she said softly, placing her hands on her cheeks and seeing how shaky she had become. "You're ok, you're not in any kind of trouble." She watched as Regina blinked and took a deep breath as if reminding herself that she was safe.

"Sit down, love," she encouraged her over to the table. She knelt before her, taking her hands and getting her to do her breathing exercises. She counted her down until she was no longer trembling or looking fearful.

"What do you want to talk to me about?" she asked.

"I'm concerned," Regina started, not making eye contact. Emma frowned but did not force her to look at her. "I know how important it is to find your birth parents, but you've been distant. I just worry about you forgetting about us and the support we want to give you. I'm afraid that you'll start pushing us away."

Emma was shocked, but as much as Regina's words hurt, she realized there was some truth in them. She barely left the basement since coming home from Portland. Regina has been going to bed alone because Emma was spending late hours deep in her research. She hasn't even talked to Henry. He's been sulking since he learned the truth about his father. She didn't know how to approach him other than to give him space.

Regina slowly lifted her gaze to finally look at her. What she saw made her take a sharp inhale of breath. She was scared. She must have been afraid to approach her, and Mal must have been the one to push her. She was still beyond grateful that she had someone like Mal in her life. Her own childhood would have been entirely different if she had someone looking out for her the way Mal looked out for her patients.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. All she could do was apologize. She didn't deny Regina's worries or make her feel shameful for feeling this way. Regina came to her fearfully, but expressed her concerns regardless. Regina frowned in confusion for her calm reaction.

"I don't mean to upset you or make you feel like you're doing something wrong. I just don't want you to forget that you're not alone."

"I'm hurt and a bit surprised… because it's true," she answered. "You're right. I've been a bit distracted, haven't I?"

Regina nodded, the fear fading and turning into relief. Emma hated that Regina was still so fearful at times. During confrontations like these she always made sure to stay calm and listen. She didn't want her to retreat into herself because of a heated reaction.

"I didn't mean to worry you, love. I'll make sure to take it easy on my investigation. Is there anything else I can do to ease your mind?"

"I think maybe talking to Archie?" she asked timidly and by the look of surprise that flashed across Emma's face, Regina immediately took back her words. "I mean if you're comfortable. I… I don't want to force you. I… I… just think it'll be good for you."

"Easy, deep breaths. You have nothing to be afraid of. You're just communicating your concerns," she immediately tried calming her in a soothing voice the moment she noticed her breaths slightly started to increase. Regina took several moments just regulating her breaths until she was able to calm herself.

"There you go, you're ok," Emma whispered. "I'll consider it. I understand why you're suggesting it. You want me to talk to someone?"

Regina nodded, taking several calming breaths. Hands fidgeted with Emma's fingers that were still holding on to her. "I just want you to be able to express yourself if you're unable to completely do it with me. I don't want you to hold back on anything. You know therapy saved my life, right?"

Emma nodded.

"I just want you to have someone to talk to if you're unable to come to me or your friends. I want you to be able to work things out from your past. Especially now, when you find your mother. I want you to be able to have all the support you deserve."

Emma felt her eyes well up with tears. She felt her cheeks go warm and as embarrassed as she was, she knew Regina had a point. Talking to a professional might be exactly what she needs. She hasn't talked to a therapist since she was in prison, and even then she was closed off during those mandatory sessions. This time it would be her choice. She nodded in acceptance, relieved that Regina was finally looking at her with confidence and not fear and apprehension.

"Emma…" Her voice was firm, no longer shaking with nerves. "You knew I needed more help than you can give alone and by admitting that, you saved my life. I just want to give you the same chance."

"I promise you I will consider it," she whispered, really understanding her concerns. She wasn't quite ready just yet and she didn't want to make a promise she couldn't keep. That seemed enough for Regina because she nodded in acceptance.

"There's one last thing that I'm not giving you a choice in," Regina stated, suddenly sounding as stern as the professor she once was. "You need to go talk to Henry…"

"I will."

"It's been a week, Emma. You need to talk to him right now."

"I really don't have a choice in this," she stated with defeat. She's been avoiding Henry because she didn't know how to fix this.

"Emma, you can't keep avoiding this. We of all people should understand the hurt of not knowing who our parents are… or when… we're hurt by them."

Those words held so much truth in them it felt like a punch to the gut. The fact that Regina was right was the reason that it hurt so much. This time she didn't stop the tear from streaming down her cheek. This time she didn't make excuses. This time she found herself driving across town to the old wooden castle where she had first made a connection with Henry after he brought her to Storybrooke.

He was sulking on the platform of the castle sitting with his old storybook open in his lap. He didn't even look at her as she stepped out of the car and approached him.

"Mom sent you," he stated, glaring at her as she came up on the structure and sat beside him.

"She did," she admitted truthfully. "Although I was planning on talking to you kid. I just needed a push."

He didn't respond and her eyes fell on the storybook in his lap. It was opened on the pages of the Evil Queen casting her curse. The queen looked alot like Regina dressed in a magnificent gown with Snow White at her feet. Even after all these years, the book still gave her the creeps.

"I don't think you're going to find any answers in there kid."

He angrily shut the book closed and looked up at her with a fierce gaze that had her shrinking back in complete surprise.

"Of course not!" he snapped. "It's just a book of fairytales."

"Henry, I know I fucked up. I know I shouldn't have lied. I was only trying to protect you."

"I know," he whispered, his harsh gaze softening. "Does he know about me?"

She shook her head, feeling something within her break. Bae had no idea she was pregnant and she never saw him again. The last she heard of him, he had run away to Canada.

"He left before I even knew myself. I heard he ran off to Canada, after that I have no idea where he is."

"Do you think he would have wanted me?" he asked so quietly, looking up at her with hope.

She understood the feeling of wanting to be accepted by a parent or wanting to find them, to simply just know who they are. She was going through a rollercoaster of a journey on finding the parents who seemingly threw her away. Regina was willing to give her cruel mother one last chance. She should have given Henry more credit instead of lying to him. She of all people knew what it was like to search for something that was missing. She took a moment to think about his question. Despite the heartbreak and the lies, there were some good moments with Bae that she refused to believe weren't real.

"I think he would have," she nodded truthfully and his whole face lit up. "If he didn't leave me and I didn't wound up in prison, life would have been very different Henry."

"We would have never met mom," he realized.

"Everything happens for a reason, kid. I have a lot of regrets, like not telling you the truth, but giving you up was one I had a hard time accepting because you deserved so much better than living in the foster system. You didn't deserve the life I would have given you at the time. I loved you so much I knew I had to let you go. It took me a long time to realize that. Now, I see you were always meant to bring me home. You were always meant to bring Regina hope when she needed it the most. You saved both of us, and brought together our family. I wouldn't change anything, knowing what it would lead me to."

"I wouldn't either," he sighed, looking down at the book again in contemplation. "Just no more lies. I'm not a little kid anymore."

"I promise," she said, cupping his cheeks into her palms and looking into those hazel eyes. "No more lies." He moved to hug her so fast she was shocked for a moment before finally relaxing and holding him just as tightly. This was the first time since she told him the truth that he was actually initiating contact with her. Suddenly she had a very ugly insight of the insolation Regina had gone through when he had been fighting with her. She never wanted to feel this disconnected with their son ever again.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, placing a kiss into his hair. She was so worried about finding her parents, she was letting her own relationship crumble with her son. Regina had a right to be worried this afternoon and was grateful she spoke up.

"Mom, you're smothering me too hard," he laughed.

"Sorry," she chuckled heavily, trying not to cry as she pulled away and looked into his eyes to see that mischievous gleam she had missed so much these past weeks.

"Maybe, you could tell me about him?" he asked hopefully. "I know he hurt you, but there has to be some good in him. The part you fell in love with?"

"Oh Henry," she whispered, wiping her eyes and trying so hard not to cry still. Her son always had hope that there was some good in everyone, even the people who hurt him. It had to be the hope thing that Mary Margaret preached about.

"One day, I promise. When it doesn't hurt so much."

He nodded, accepting that answer for now.

"Want to get some hot cocoa before we head off to Mal's party tonight?"

"Before dinner?"

"Special occasion," Emma shrugged as she hopped off the platform. Henry did as well and followed her to the old yellow bug.

"Fine, but you're explaining that to mom," he laughed.