A. N. : The titles are getting more and more metaphoric... Anyway. Usually I only change a few details, mostly phrasing, from the stuff that I handwrite in my little notebook, but here I had to rewrite like half of this chapter and I'm still not happy with it ugh. Still, it's much better than than the first try, so yeah. Enjoy.

It's almost too easy to get there.

The Blue Spirit faces a door at Lake Laogai and he might looks sinister under the green light of the crystals, but he feels so glad, he could go mad.

Donning the disguise, even in broad daylight, was the best way to go around without anyone suspecting him. He's always been good at sneaking around anyway, so no regular person saw him.

As for that one Dai Li agent, he'd probably sooner eat his hat than tell anyone about their encounter and the way he spilled the beans about the hideout and the bison. In his defence, as efficient as the Dai Li are, most people would rather keep their head attached to their body.

On his way to the door, Zuko saw some captives and some strange lights, and even worse, a disturbing swarm of women repeating the same words with the same dead eyes and the same blank smiles and all of them are Earth and yet the Dai Li does this and the thought of losing control of your own mind is horrible and makes Zuko shudder in fear – at least the horrible, terrible thoughts that come with the awake nightmares are his and his alone.

Even Azula's manipulating lies and Jet's all-knowing eyes can't make a person lose their soul and yet the spirits know both of them are equally terrifying.

But none of that matters now, because Zuko is opening the door to his destiny, and when the bison raises its head with huge, hopeful eyes, he can't help being a little ironic.

And he smiles and exults behind the mask because this is it, this is the way home, and he just has to take the bison and –

And then what ?

What will he do with a flying mountain of fur ? It's not as if he can hide it, and if the Dai Li get to him – hundreds of women with blank smiles and flashing lights and he'd rather end up in Azula's hands than this.

But he doesn't have to hide it, no, he just has to mount it and then find the Avatar and – and he doesn't know how to make it fly, and anyway, it would probably just stomp on him.

Zuko leans against a wall. He followed the bison like he followed the trail into the storm, like he followed the turtle-seals until he couldn't breathe and he can't breathe and there's no wall of ice he can melt down this time, there's just him and the bison and he punches the wall so hard he might've broken a finger, but the pain doesn't help, the pain doesn't change the fact that his quest and life and existence are complete failures, and for once he can't stop the tears.

And now he's sitting on the ground and taking off the mask and he puts his head in his hands – and yeah, that finger is definitely broken – and tries to breathe – it's midday, he can feel it, but he can't fuel his internal fire and it's going to die and it's his fault, he should've listened to Jet, to Uncle, to father, and if your fire dies you're nothing more than an empty shell, and he wonders if you have nightmares when you are nothing.

The bison blows on him gently, as if trying to rekindle the flame of his determination, and he looks up and he doesn't want to burn out, he wants to thank Uncle, to hold Lin close, to tell Jet he's sorry, to tell Smellerbee she's great and to stare at Longshot long enough for him to actually react, and he's scared, and his chi is all messed up and he doesn't know how long he'll last that way, but he wants to go back, he wants to go back to them –

The bison looks so sad and miserable and leaving it here won't accomplish anything. He breaks the chains.

Zuko puts the mask back on and turns around. He wants to go back – he almost thinks back home but it can't be right, father isn't there and –

Father doesn't care.

Father doesn't care about him, and maybe he never did, and the thought hurts. It's the first time Zuko really believes that, the first time he loses all hope to go back to the home of his childhood and he feels empty, and for a second it feels like his fire has gone out for good, but it's still here in his belly, a tiny, tiny flame only burning because he wants to see the sun once more.

He only realizes how quiet everything is when climbing to get to the exit. And once he is out and the suns warms his skin – Agni, it's so warm and his chi strengthens a bit – he sees the Avatar surrounded by Dai Li and suddenly the bison comes down from the sky and it's chaos.

Zuko leans forward on reflex, but really he doesn't care anymore, father won't love him, Avatar or no Avatar, so he has no reason to keep chasing him.

He has no reason to exist anymore.

He wants to go back, but his fire is so weak, and he's sorry, he's so sorry, he doesn't want to make Uncle suffer through the loss of another son, and who will take care of Lin if he's gone, no one knows her like he does, he can't go yet, he'll deal with the nightmares and Azula and even spirits if he has to but he can't leave and Lin is just a baby she shouldn't have to lose the people she cares for, not like he did and it hurts it hurts to breathe, just like when he woke up after the Agni Kai and if father hadn't put conditions to his exile his fire would've burned out then, and it hurt to breathe and hurt to live but at least he had hope, and now he doesn't, he just has a rock-like stubbornness and a will to burn down anything that could hurt his child and it hurts but he has no choice –

The fire burns stronger.