Chapter 5

2011 (season 7)

After everything Sam had been through, he did not deserve this. He started the apocalypse sure, but the years his soul spent getting tortured by archangels was punishment enough for that. Now Sam was hallucinating, but not just hallucinating. He was hallucinating Lucifer.

When Dean walked into that warehouse it terrified him that Sam could not tell what was real, he knew he had to think of something quick. He thought back to his own time in hell, and realized what made things here on earth so different. The pain on earth was different. When he squeezed the cut on Sam's hand, he saw the fog lift from Sam's eyes. Sam believed him; this was real, not hell. When Sam pushed his thumb into the cut on his palm, he saw Lucifer flicker and he knew he wasn't still in hell. It was that simple, the pain couldn't get to his soul up here. Every time Lucifer appeared Sam rubbed that cut on his hand and the pain made him go away.

"Sam, this thing is never going to heal if you don't leave it alone." Dean said, bandaging up Sam's hand again.

Sam had been making it bleed on and off for the past 2 weeks.

"It's healing Dean." Sam said, staring into the corner. "Trust me, I can barely feel it any more."

Sam continues to stare in a way that made Dean very uneasy. Dean snapped his fingers in front of Sam face.

"Hey, stop looking at whatever is over there."

Sam's eyes flashed back towards Dean.

"It isn't real." Dean stressed.

Sam rubbed at his hand and it took everything in Dean not to stop him.

"I know he isn't really there, but he is…"

"I know Sammy. C'mon let's go get something to eat."

Sam nodded absently and stood up to follow his brother. He didn't know what he was going to do once his hand healed. He only knew one way to get rid of the devil, and that was through pain, but the cut on his hand was slowly starting to lose its effectiveness. It wasn't enough to know that pain was different up here; he had to prove to himself that pain was different up here. Over the next two weeks, the cut on Sam's hand had healed and it no longer hurt, and he was beginning to struggle with reality.

Currently Lucifer was sitting beside Sam on the bed talking about how much he missed torturing Sam, making sure to leave out no details. Making sure Sam could never forget. Dean had gone out to the diner to grab something to eat, and Sam was just trying to make it through the 30 minutes it would take Dean to get back.

"C'mon Sammy, you know you miss me, you can't ignore me forever." Lucifer said.

"Don't call me that." Sam whispered.

"Awww c'mon Sam, don't be like that. I thought we bonded through all our time down under. We are practically family. I know everything about you, your fears, all about Jessica and Dean and you dad. You can't hide from me." Lucifer said in a singsong voice.

Sam pushed on the scar on his hand that had stopped working days ago.

"Shut up, you aren't real."

Sam was scratching the scars that marred his arm; it wouldn't make Lucifer go away, but it made him feel better. He felt a hand on his shoulder and jumped up off the bed.

"Whoa Sam, it's just me." Dean held his hands up defensively in front of himself. "Are you okay?"

Sam sighed.

"Yeah, I am fine. He just won't shut up."

Sam picked absently at his arm. It didn't take long for Dean to notice and grab hold of Sam's arm.

"Don't start with that again Sammy."

Dean knew what Sam wanted to do, hell he had been watching Sam fight this addiction since he was sixteen.

"Sorry Dean. He just won't go away, and the hand thing isn't working anymore."

"It's okay Sam, we will figure it out, just talk to me whenever he comes around okay?"

Sam looked at his brother, and knew what his brother was saying. He was telling Sam not to hurt himself, to come to him first, but Sam wasn't sure he could do that. He knew what would make Lucifer go away. But it was also something he had been fighting not to do for years. But he needed the pain to make this nightmare stop for a few moments.

"Okay, Dean. I will."

Tenseness seemed to drain out of Dean's body, but it went straight into Sam's, because for the first time in a long time, Sam knew he was making a promise he wasn't sure he could keep.

Sam tried, he tried for weeks, and every time he saw Lucifer he would tell Dean, and Dean would talk. Just talk, tell stories about when they were kids, when everyone was still happy. When angels and demons were stories they read about, but never had to deal with. Before heaven and hell and deals and mistakes created a rift in their family.

Eventually Sam would fall asleep listening to Dean go on and on and then everything would be okay for another night. Tonight was a little different. Sam was burning, he could feel it. He was back in the pit again, and he couldn't breathe. He awoke with a gasp. No he wasn't back in the pit, he was with Dean, and it was just a dream.

He looked over and his brother was still asleep, he had gotten good at having his nightmares silently. He rarely screamed anymore which he found weird because if anything his dreams had gotten more intense. Sam was shaking as he stood from the bed and went into the bathroom. He was so tired. Tired of constantly trying to chase away Lucifer and the bad dreams. Someday his brain was just going to crash, he couldn't do this anymore. He splashed water on his face, and looked into the mirror, he saw the archangel standing beside him.

"Whatya thinking about Sammy? We haven't been able to chat much with Dean's constant chatter."

Sam willed Lucifer to go away, but every time he opened his eyes, he was still standing there right behind him. Sam flinched, he could feel Lucifer's breath on the back of his neck, but that wasn't possible. He wasn't real. Sam couldn't do this anymore.

He grabbed the shaving kit off of the counter and pulled out a razor blade and held it to his skin, he hesitated for a minute, it was the first time he had not wanted to do this, even though at the same time he really did. Then he looked back in the mirror and saw Lucifer staring at him, and he pulled one quick motion across his arm, over the build up of scars that had laid untouched for years. Lucifer laughed.

"C'mon Sam, that is nothing compared to the things I have done to you." Lucifer said from behind him.

Sam made one more cut, a little deeper this time and then pushed down hard on them with his nails, and Lucifer flickered out of sight. Sam breathed a sigh of relief. He cleaned up, pulled his sleeve down and went back to bed. As he was lying there he heard his brother roll over.

"You okay Sammy?" Dean said with sleep in his voice.

Sam looked around and saw no archangels in sight, and Sam smiled pushing down on his arm, on his lifeline.

"Yeah, Dean I'm good, go back to sleep."

Things went on like that for a while. Sam must have been doing a better job hiding it this time around, because Dean never seemed to notice that the long sleeves Sam worn as a teenager had become a facet in his life again. Of course this time, it was cold out, and it wasn't strange for Sam to have another shirt on over top of his t-shirt.

Whenever the cuts on Sam's arm healed he would secretly make a few more. Just enough so that he would have an escape when hallucinations came knocking on his door. Over the next couple of months Sam realized he was running into a problem. They weren't working anymore. Every time Sam made more they had to be deeper then the ones before to keep the devil away.

Sam and Dean were in a diner the next time Lucifer decided to make an appearance, this time he was sitting beside Dean and turning Sam's food into whatever grossness he thought could make Sam squirm. He pushed on his arm but it did nothing. He should have fixed that this morning but he didn't have time.

"Dean?" Sam whispered just loud enough for his brother to hear him.

"Yeah?" Dean said with a mouth full of burger.

"You're real right?"

Dean's eyes got wide, and he swallowed.

"Of course I am Sammy… Is he here?"

Sam nodded.

"He isn't real, it is just your brain leaking memories from the cage." Dean reassured.

"Okay Dean."

"I thought it was getting better. You haven't said anything lately."

"It has been getting better, I just have bad days sometimes."

"So this is a bad day?"

Sam met his brother's eyes and suddenly didn't have the energy to lie to him anymore.

"It's a very bad day."

"Okay Sam, lets go back to the motel. Just chill out, okay?"

"No Dean, this hunt needs to be done. We can't keep waiting for me to get better. I am not going to get better, I am sorry for that."

"Sam it isn't your fault, and if this is a bad day, then the hunt can wait another day. It is just a ghost, nobody is even living in the house right now. No one is going to get hurt if we just take a break."

Sam sighed.

"Fine, we wait until tomorrow."

They spent the rest of the afternoon lazing around the motel room drinking beer and watching TV. Dean would make a random joke or talk over the commercials, and Sam could tell Dean was just trying to distract him. But Sam could feel the urge to cut himself building up in him again and by the time Dean said he was leaving to go grab dinner, it was almost unbearable.

"You gonna be okay for like 20 minutes?" Dean asked putting on his jacket.

"Yeah, I'll be fine."

"Okay, well call me if you need anything. I'll be back soon."

Sam waited for the sound of the Impala to pull out of the motel parking lot, and then grabbed his shaving kit out of his duffel. He needed to make Lucifer go away. He pulled out the razor and made three cuts and put his nail into one of them. Lucifer didn't flicker.

"Looks like you are gonna have to try harder than that Sammy boy." Lucifer said from beside Sam on the bed.

Sam made two more cuts on his arm, a little deeper this time, but Lucifer still wouldn't go away. It wasn't working anymore. Tears welled up in Sam's eyes as he tried to figure out what to do. He stood up and walked over to the weapons bag and pulled out on of there hunting knives. They always kept them sharp. Sam ran the knife through his hands and sat back on the bed. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew this was a bad idea and he stopped for a second and took a deep breath.

"C'mon Sam, make me go away. I dare you." Lucifer said.

Sam turned and looked at the devil and smiled, he could make him go away. Just as Sam was about to press the knife down hard into his arm, he heard his brother.

"Sam." Dean said slowly. "Stop."

Sam had been so sucked into his hallucination he hadn't heard Dean walk in. Sam let the tears run down his cheeks.

"I just need him to go away Dean." Sam cried.

He still hadn't released that hold on the knife and Dean could see that he was pressing it into his skin; one move and it could slice into something vital.

"I know Sam, and we will figure out just like we always do. But I need you to stay with me. If I have learned anything through all this crap that we have been through, it's that we can't keep secrets and we can't go through things alone. Let me help, but please don't do that."

Dean stepped closer and grabbed the hand that was holding the knife. "Please Sam stop."

Sam released his grasp on the knife and Dean put it on the table across from them.

"Let me clean you up."

"I'm sorry Dean."

"It's okay Sam, I should have known."

"It isn't your job to take care of me Dean."

Dean laughed.

"That will always be job, you're my brother."

Dean cleaned up Sam's arms, he hadn't done any serious damage, thank God Dean had gotten back when he did. He didn't want to think what Sam could have done with that hunting knife.

"What are we gonna do here Sammy." Dean said, "I feel like you have been teetering on the edge of sanity since you were a kid."

Sam laughed.

"We grew up in a world where monsters were real. We were never sane."

"I guess that's true kiddo. I just feel like for the first time I can't pull you back from the edge."

"Dean, you may be the only person who has kept me from going over the edge, I mean you are my stone number one remember?"

"Yeah I remember Sam. So as your stone number one, I am telling you, this has to stop. I mean, this time I kind of understand. Hell I kinda started it this time telling you pain was different up here, but you can't do this to yourself."

"I won't. I mean it doesn't work anymore anyway. That's why I had that knife, I wasn't trying to kill myself anything I just figured it might work better."

Dean immediately felt better; at least Sam wanted to live.

"Alright, well first, no more cutting. Hold my God damn hand if you have to, we will figure this out."

"Alright Dean, whatever you say, but I am not holding your hand."

Dean laughed.

"C'mon Sammy, you used to hold my hand all the time."

"Yeah because I was 8 years old and dad made me."

Dean smiled down at his little brother.

"Yeah, you aren't a kid anymore, but I will probably always still see you that way."

Sam looked up at Dean.

"That's alright Dean, cause you'll always be my big brother."