Chapter 9:

2015 (Season 10)

Tag to: Into The Mystic

Sam tossed and turned under the sheets trying to calm his breathing, but the weight of what had happened to him, what he had allowed to happen, was keeping him wound tight. It had been years since his hallucinations had been lifted from him by Cas, but after being near Lucifer again, he couldn't get the feeling of the devils touch off of him, and he definitely could not silence the never-ending high light reel of his failures. He could hear Lucifer's whispers.

"Weak."

"Coward"

"You've gone soft Sammy."

Sam sat up in his bed and rubbed his hands over his tired eyes. He put his feet down onto the cold ground and made his way to the bathroom. Looking in the mirror he didn't recognize himself. No one would believe this same man once saved the world. Sam felt the tingling in his finger tips and the tightness in his chest, both signs of the oncoming panic attack. He squeezed his eyes shut but he couldn't calm himself down. Opening them back up again he saw a cheaper razor blade sitting on the counter where he had left it the night before he went to see Lucifer in hell. Then it had seemed like nothing, the thought of cutting himself so far removed from Sam's mind at this point in his life, but now Sam could almost hear Lucifer's voice on the edge of his consciousness.

"You remember being tortured Sam?"

"You are going to watch your brother die."

"I could rip you apart over and over and over…. Eternity Sam…"

Sam scratched at the scars on his arms before grabbing the razor and making his way back to the bedroom.

When he entered, he locked the door, just in case Dean had heard him wandering around the bunker at three in the morning. He sat on the floor behind his bed facing the wall and twisted the blades out of the broken razor. He stared at the piece of metal for a long time, wondering how this could still have so much power over him after all these years. The panic had receded a little enough for Sam to remember to keep the cuts up high on his forearm so he could still roll up his sleeves, making sure Dean wouldn't have any reason to think he had returned to this.

The pain was minimal in comparison to what Sam had dealt with, but it was controlled, Sam was controlling it. He dug his nails into the parted flesh allowing it to ground him for a while. When the panic was gone, and Lucifer's voice had faded back into his memories, he cleaned the wound, got dressed, and went to go field strip his weapon. Something to focus on. That's what he needed.

Sam didn't look up from his gun as he heard Dean come down the hallway, just glanced down casually at the sleeve of his button up to make sure the fresh wounds were covered. Sam's old scars showed clearly, but he wasn't self-conscious about those anymore. At least around Dean.

"Hey." Dean said casually.

"Hey." Sam replied.

"How long you been up?" Dean asked.

He had heard Sam wondering around in the early hours of the morning, but didn't want Sam to feel interrogated.

"I don't know." Sam answered eyes still on his weapon.

"You okay?" Dean pried a little more.

"I'm fine." Sam replied.

Dean watched Sam's tense shoulders, knowing that Sam was trying to avoid talking to him.

"Are you sure cause you haven't left the bunker in days." Dean prodded.

Sam finally reacted cocking the gun and giving Dean a quick annoyed glance.

Dean decided to let it rest for now, he would just keep a close eye on Sam for the next few days. He knew that Sam must be going through a rough patch after what had happened to him with Lucifer, but the last few years had made it difficult for the brothers to communicate.

Sam used to come to Dean when he was feeling depressed, but ever since Gadreel, Sam was closed off emotionally. Dean knew Sam had forgiven him, but it was like Sam had built a protective shell around his emotions that was hard to penetrate.

Dean watched as Sam went through the motions at Oak Park, but Dean was worried about his little brother's state of mind. It was as if Sam saw no future for him, and that scared Dean. He waited until they were sitting in the graveyard before bringing it up again.

"So no retirement huh?" Dean asked.

Sam scoffed as he continued to dig.

"Hey you are the one who wanted to go out blaze of glory style, preferably when the Bon Jovi song is playing."

"Yeah but you said it like that blaze of glory was going to happen sooner rather the later… are you okay?" Dean asked.

Sam stopped digging and though that over in his mind… he wasn't hiding how he was feeling very well, and Dean had picked it up instantly with his big brother instincts.

Sam sighed,

"No, I'm not actually, not at all…" Sam admitted. "Being so close to Lucifer again, that… brought stuff up… stuff I thought I forgot about."

Dean nodded, trying to act as if he understood, but in all honestly the brothers had left Lucifer and what had happened in the cage in the past, choosing not to talk about it. Now Dean wondered if that had been a mistake.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"No."

"Well Lucifer's never getting out of that cage ever, and you aren't ever going back. Period. So, case closed."

Sam slammed harder into the dirt slamming right into the top of casket, choosing to tune Dean out. When he stared into the fire his mind jolted back to another place full of fire and blood, he took comfort as the cuts ached as they rubbed against his jacket.

After solving the case and returning to the bunker, Sam was sitting in the kitchen drinking his beer, aware of Dean watching him in a way that made him very uncomfortable. He told his brother good night and went to his own room promising Dean he would try and get some sleep.

Dean went to his own room, his head aching at a steady rate. Laying on his back he thought of Sam. He has seen Sam withdrawn and depressed before, and he also knew what Sam had done in the past to reduce his own panic. Sam had told him he would never do it again after what happened with the Werther Box and at the time Dean had believed him.

Dean sat up and groaned at his headache. He knows Sam, and knows he meant it when he said he was done with it… but if there was one thing that Sam needed pain to ignore…

"Shit." Dean whispered pushing himself off the bed.

He padded across the hall to Sam's room and knocked on the door. It opened with a click a few seconds later.

"What's up Dean? It's late." Sam said.

Dean smirked.

"We both know you weren't sleeping, can I come in?"

Sam pushed the door and made his way back to the bed, Dean followed and sat down beside him on the bed. Dean watched as Sam tugged on the sleeves of his shirt in anxiety.

"I gotta ask you something… and I am not judging and I am not gonna get mad or anything, I just need to know… all I need is a yes or no okay?"

Sam frowned and searched his brother's eyes curiously.

"Okay." Sam said slowly.

"Alright… you uh… you cutting yourself again Sammy?"

Sam quickly let go of his sleeves and looked down at the floor. He could lie and say no. Dean would probably believe him.

Sam looked up at Dean and nodded his head once.

Dean nodded back at reached his hand out palm up, they had done this dance before. Sam without hesitation lowered his arm into Dean's grasp.

Dean rolled up Sam's sleeve, and assessed the damage, they weren't the worst that Sam had ever done. Just three up near the crook of his elbows. No stitches required.

"Did you clean it out?"

"Yeah twice since we get back…. Dean I'm sorry I just-"

Sammy, don't apologize. I'm sure I can figure out why you did it. Pain make this real right? Makes you believe he is in the cage. I get it."

Dean knew better then to get mad at Sam for this. He long ago learned that getting yelling and screaming didn't do anything but make him feel guilty.

Sam sighed and pulled his legs up to his chest.

"I could just hear him talking all night… telling me things… talking about the past." Sam admitted.

"You seeing Lucifer again Sammy?" Dean asked in panic.

"No Dean nothing like that… I'm not hallucinating… they are just memories… but I panicked and needed to ground myself. I think I'm past the worse of it."

"Alright, I believe you Sam. Now, we are going back to basics here. I stopped worrying about this after the Werther Box, and I still believe that if you hadn't of had to cage dive for the second time you could have kept this kicked, but you did so now we deal with it. If you need to hurt yourself, if you feel like you might, then you come find me and we will deal with it."

Dean was reaching out an olive branch, letting Sam know that Sam could lean on him for this, giving him permission to not be okay. Sam gladly accepted it.

"Okay, Dean. I think I am okay… no memories."

"Good, I am gonna go crash. You need me you know where I am."

Sam smiled as he watched Dean leave the room, for the first time in a long time, Sam truly felt like he had his brother back… maybe he could be his stone number one again.