I knew at some point I would have to get annoyed with him for running hot and cold. I had to guess that his secret was Spiderman. Umm… I had to refuse to take any boys to a Sadie Hawkins dance although I think they called it a girl's choice dance in the book. Back in Lexi land a girl's choice dance was called a Sadie Hawkins dance so that's what I was going to call it. I had to accept an invitation to La Push beach and flirt with Mr. Jacob Wolfie Black and get some ghostie stories about werewolves and vamps or cold ones.

Hee, hee, cold ones… Edward in an Elsa dress singing Let it go! Would be epically silly. I burned a day or two learning "Let it go," on violin just for the giggles of imagining grumpy pretty boy sparkly vampires singing on mountain tops while frozen ice fractals shimmered around them. Edward does need to lighten up. I know he's scared that letting go of all of his grumpy boy angst would lead to him chomping down on humans left, right and centre. He doesn't trust himself very much.

Unfortunately, Stephanie Meyer's timeline for vampires to fall in love was short and event packed. I miss that first month where for the most part I could mostly just be myself as long as I was keeping my grades up and hanging out with the right people at lunch. Those were my happiest times. The days when I was at least a little free to just be myself were my happy days. After the van accident there wasn't a lot off script time without Edward nearby.

I think one of the reasons I'm uneasy about days involving Edward is because it feels like I'm playing with his heart which feels wrong, cruel. I do my very best to be myself as much as I am allowed to. I'm not entirely sure he or anyone else in these replays is a living breathing person but maybe they are.

…Actually when I stop and think about it. I honestly stopped thinking Edward was imaginary on van day. I know philosophers have long liked to wonder how real we all are. What if all life is a dream and stuff like that. I can't live with my head stuck in nothing is really real and nothing matters mode. From morning to night I am going on the theory that whatever this is, it is real enough that my choices need to reflect who I am and who I want to be. I have to be Bella. I know that. I also have to be me. I think Bella starts kissing Edward in the meadow. I… I don't want to. I wonder if the plot will let me get away with a foo kiss.

If this stupid story goes as far as the wedding I'm quitting. I can just burn in hell repeat night after repeat night because I'm not doing the wedding night and the alien baby. And I'm certainly not naming my first born child that horrible mouthful of a name Renesmee. I like A names and S names. Sophia, Audrey, Sarah, Abigail, Scary, Awful, Spooky, Appalling. Yeah if I have to give birth to the baby I'm naming it Anaemic Spooky Cullen.

So apparently the plot advances to the Sadie Hawkins dance fiasco in March. I wasn't ready. It was too soon. Mike asked me to go with him in Biology and he kind of might have caught me off guard the first time. I know the day is going to reset. I looked at Mike like he'd lost his mind, then exclaimed in a panic "You mean you want me to go to the dance like a date in a dress and stuff and do boyfriend girlfriend things? I'm not dating till I'm a hundred and two! And I'm definitely not watching that movie Alien with Sigourney Weaver ever again!", then hid in the bathroom. I knew I was not advancing the plot; too much me, not enough Bella. I freaked the rest of the boys out enough that no one else asked that first day attempt. I'm proud of myself and ashamed at the same time. I'm me, not Bella. Fight for the right to be me and all that.

Next try I managed a "No way José!" I figured that was progress, a teeny tiny bit Spanish too. José is a Spanish name isn't it? Maybe? Oh Spanish? I hate you. :)

Holding my hands over my ears and yelling "I'm not listening," was not what the plot intended but all of this was amusing Edward big time. At least someone was having a good time.

Finally I remembered I was supposed to politely pair up my friends with each other. Ben and Angela were one pairing umm… Jessica and Mike was that the other? Was I supposed to pair up Lauren and Tyler too? I couldn't remember.

I know I goofed up the pairings a few times and because Edward Stupidface Cullen kept laughing at me, I told him if he didn't stop laughing at me I'd tell Jessica I'd seen him doodling her name with love hearts around it in the margins of his biology notes. He stopped laughing and told me that would be really unkind to Jessica. I looked at him like he was out of his mind. Apparently he is clueless if he can't read minds. I was trying to tease him. I was joking. Stupid teenagers and their stupid love dramas. I dunno, maybe it was a mean joke. If I'd been Jessica and I heard me saying something like that I probably would have been… Oh. I suck. I miss my mom. She was always good at pushing me in the direction of the person I wanted to be, rather than letting me just train wreck through life hurting myself and others. I'm sorry Jessica. Even if everyone was memory wiped by a day reset so it unhappened, I'm still sorry.

In middle school nobody took dates to dances. People went in huge blobby friend groups. They never played slow songs. I learned to play Meghan Trainor's, "Better When I'm Dancin'," just for the irony of it. I think I'm using the word irony correctly. I'm not sure. Anyway, I'm successfully taking no one, not even myself, to the dance.

The Twilight story was more fun to read than it is to live.

I think blobby friend groups are underrated. They push us out of our comfort zone and encourage us to try new things. Peer pressure isn't always a force for evil. Honestly it's not! Choose your friends with care and peer pressure is good. ... of course Bella's wolf friends jumped off a cliff and she did too... Oh dear.

I went cliff diving once. Don't worry though. It didn't cause any of my family, friends or loved ones to attempt suicide. It's all good. I'm fine. They're fine. You're fine. Cliff dive responsibly people.